stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I've been dating same guy off/on for almost five years. We lived together two yrs (not anymore), were engaged at one point. We'd been broken up for six months when we decided to start seeing each other again and see if we could work things out. While we were broken up, we still talked some. For a good couple of months, he was trying to get me back. The whole time, we were saying that being single for awhile was best for us, and we both said that we were not dating other people seriously - just trying to make friends and focus on our work and self-improvement. Later, I found out that he was in fact dating a girl seriously, and they slept together three times in two months. He lied about being with her - he took calls from me while he was with her. He lied to me when he told me he went on a trip with friends - he took her with him. He lied when he said he just went out with friends for Valentine's Day - he had a date with her. Now that we are trying to work things out, he insists on still talking to her via phone, texts, emails, chatting or social media. The only thing he has agreed to is that he will not see her in person, except maybe once to exchange some of their items they'd left with the other. I'm obviously not okay with this. He obviously has feelings for her. He says they are "just friends" now. He refuses to stop talking to her. He says if/when we are "boyfriend/girlfriend" again, he would stop talking to her for a time period, maybe permanently. I just don't understand how he can spend so much time telling me he loves me, but then refuse to stop doing something that hurts me so much. He's only known her since the end of January. It's not like I'm asking him to cut off a best friend or something.
neltuneliel Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I know I'm not the best person to give advice, because most of my relationships have ended badly. But I think you should let this one go. 5 years is a long time to still be figuring things out between each other. Move on. I don't think he's worth the pain.
Rinnix Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 You already know that this girl is indeed not just a "friend". Now it's your choice to either deal with having her involved in your relationship, or leave the relationship entirely. He is stringing you along and playing games. If a man wants to be with a woman, he would be. Do you want to stick around as option #2? He is still playing the field. It shows that he doesn't want to settle, he is keeping his options open. I see you post here often, and you also give other user's great advice on relationships. If this wasn't your situation, what would you tell them? You seem like a great catch, don't lower your value by waiting on someone. You deserve to be top priority. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years as well. We've went through numerous patches, but he never has kept other women waiting on the side. You know he is in the wrong, the ball is in your court. I wish you the best.
Author stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Is it wrong though or irrational for me to be upset about him talking to this girl he dated and slept with? She isn't "just a friend". If I'm being illogical, please tell me.
Author stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 You already know that this girl is indeed not just a "friend". Now it's your choice to either deal with having her involved in your relationship, or leave the relationship entirely. He is stringing you along and playing games. If a man wants to be with a woman, he would be. Do you want to stick around as option #2? He is still playing the field. It shows that he doesn't want to settle, he is keeping his options open. I see you post here often, and you also give other user's great advice on relationships. If this wasn't your situation, what would you tell them? You seem like a great catch, don't lower your value by waiting on someone. You deserve to be top priority. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years as well. We've went through numerous patches, but he never has kept other women waiting on the side. You know he is in the wrong, the ball is in your court. I wish you the best. Thanks. You posted right as I was asking my question about whether I was being illogical. He says that He doesn't want to publicize our seeing each other until we're certain we're going to stick it out. (I don't necessarily disagree here, given that we've been so up and down over the years.)When we make the decision to commit to an exclusive relationship and he's my "boyfriend" he will stop talking to this girl and others he dated for an indefinite time period, possibly for good.My problem is how would we ever get to that point if I'm feeling insecure and like a second-class citizen? And, I don't want to tell my parents and all my closest friends that we're seeing each other again, but I think it's different to let this specific girl know we are seeing each other again. It doesn't have to be some dramatic statement - just when/if she asks what he did last weekend, tell her honestly he spent the weekend with me.
Rinnix Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 #2 = I am keeping options open until I'm sure. He isn't ready to settle, and he is keeping this girl around because he likes having her attention. Why would he want to commit when he can have you, and her? Best of both worlds. He is disrespecting you in the meantime. Do you really want a man who puts you on the back burner? Dating is all about seeking options. Don't let him put you through this nonsense. I know that you care about him, you are going to try and justify his feelings and actions. You know that thing's aren't working and you know that you are being walked on, which is why you came here. If this wasn't your guy, you would have told any other woman to run. My suggestion? Go NC. Tell him that he can't have the best of both worlds. If he'd rather have his "friend" then he cannot have you. This also means that if he chooses to keep her around, there is NO chance of reconciling in the future. Tell him that you are worth more than the way he is treating you. If he makes excuses then it would be best to move on. This woman is clearly not a friend.
freestyle Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Stace~~~ Is this the same guy that kept waffling between you & his ex a couple of years ago? The same guy who insisted on keeping his ex in his life, even though you weren't comfortable with it? I fit is--I'm suspecting that he actually enjoys playing these triangulation games in his relationships. Why let him keep putting you through that?(if it IS the same guy)
Author stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 It is the same guy. Every time we start seeing each other again, it's wonderful. We click on so many levels, emotionally and physically and intellectually. But it's like I'm never enough, like he needs attention from other women, too. I suppose that you and Rinnix are right; I should just call it quits for good. I don't know how I'm going to do this again.
Rinnix Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Be strong, you can do it. 5 years is a long time, but you honestly deserve the best. You don't deserve to have games played on you. I suggest going straight NC. If he doesn't come around then he really lost a gem.
Author stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Well, he is not making things any better that is for sure. Some other stuff has gone down today, and basically when I called him he just said he "needs time away" because he can't say anything to me right now that would make me feel better. My god, he is such an ass sometimes. I said well good for you that you need time away, but at what point will you be concerned about what I need? He has no response for that. So I got pissed and told him "Fine, take whatever time you need, but there's no guarantee I'll be here when you call." And he said bye, and that was it. Would a guy who really loved me do that? Honestly. He says he loves me all the time, but the actions aren't really lining up.
Rinnix Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Stace, it honestly shows that he is selfish. Is he insecure? Could this be the reason as to why he needs all the ego boosting attention? Whatever it is, it is not worth dealing with. Don't wait for a guy who won't make you his priority. He isn't making your relationship public because he is still occupied meeting other women. In his view, who wants a man who is tied down? This is the exact reason why he is not telling his "friend" that he is with you. He wants to look as if he is available to her, he is playing you both. You need to go nc and kick him out of your life asap. These are not loving actions, only love for himself.
Author stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Stace, it honestly shows that he is selfish. Is he insecure? Could this be the reason as to why he needs all the ego boosting attention? Whatever it is, it is not worth dealing with. Don't wait for a guy who won't make you his priority. He isn't making your relationship public because he is still occupied meeting other women. In his view, who wants a man who is tied down? This is the exact reason why he is not telling his "friend" that he is with you. He wants to look as if he is available to her, he is playing you both. You need to go nc and kick him out of your life asap. These are not loving actions, only love for himself. Not to justify what he is doing right now, but she knows he was still hung up on me. In fact, before he and I even talked again, he'd told her they needed to just be friends because he can't give himself to anybody else while he still loves me. BUT, he still chats with her from time to time, and she does not know that we have spend four of the last six weekends together. (We live an hour apart.) Also, today he tweeted me a story about our favorite football team, and I replied "We going to watch the games together this year? Your tv is better than mine." And he said that was inappropriate and asked me to delete it. That infuriated me... I didn't say anything in there that was inappropriate. But, my opinion is that he was afraid the other girl would see it and realize how much he's seeing me. I'm just so furious with him right now. I'm certainly not going out of my way for him anymore. We had started seeing a counselor near his house, and I actually left work early last week to go see him. I was supposed to go again next Friday, but I'm not wasting my time or my paid time off! I am burning up angry.
Rinnix Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 He and her both know that they are not just friends. She is willing to compete, and he enjoys the chase. He isn't telling her he's with you because he wants her too. Cake eater. If he was hung up on you (really) then why would he date her in the first place? If all his feelings were on you, then why is this girl still around? These are serious questions you need to reconsider. I feel bad for putting them on you, but it's really important for you to review these facts.
Woman In Blue Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Not to justify what he is doing right now, but she knows he was still hung up on me. In fact, before he and I even talked again, he'd told her they needed to just be friends because he can't give himself to anybody else while he still loves me. And you know this....because he TOLD you he told her this? I don't know your history, but just from the short bit of information I read here, this is the type of guy you spit on and walk away. I'll never understand why women continue to allow themselves to be degraded and devalued for men who simply aren't worth the powder to blow them up. Sorry I couldn't be more positive, but this guy is garbage.
Author stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 I know you are right. I always try to argue him into loving me. And I guess I just need to see that his actions are telling me everything there is to know. He is great at confusing me. He works so hard to get me back when we are not together and always tells me how much he loves me, but then we start seeing each other again and all that effort tapers off. I think he really does just like the chase. His ex before me, the one who broke us up when we first dated, she was very aloof and standoffish. And I think that is why he liked her so much. He always had to work for her love and affection, and even then she didn't give him much. I am just not that kind of girl. I wear my heart on my sleeve, you almost always know how I feel about things, and I devote myself completely to the man I'm in love with. Ugh. This just makes me so sad.
Author stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 And you know this....because he TOLD you he told her this? I don't know your history, but just from the short bit of information I read here, this is the type of guy you spit on and walk away. I'll never understand why women continue to allow themselves to be degraded and devalued for men who simply aren't worth the powder to blow them up. Sorry I couldn't be more positive, but this guy is garbage. Yes, he tends to overshare.
betterdeal Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Are you happy? Is this relationship making you happy? Do you want to be happy? If you do, do things that make you happy and stop doing things that make you unhappy. You know what you have to do. Stop hoping he'll do it for you.
freestyle Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 Now that I know it IS the same guy---- I hate to say it, but I don't think this leopard is going to change his spots. Can you honestly see him as having credibility at this point? And if you're not being " aloof" with him--(read: you're not a game-player), then he isn't accepting you for who you are. There are a lot of men (and women) who play that game---They take you for granted once they're sure they've 'won' you. But if you walk away, then they pour on the charm. It's a manipulative and childish game. And it's robbing YOU of YOUR peace of mind.Is that how you want to go through life? Always worried about what he's doing when your back is turned?
betterdeal Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 (edited) It can drive you insane. The last woman I was involved with desperately wanted my love, but she also wanted to date other men at the same time, declaring that she believed in free love. I even accepted that and when to see a movie with another woman, and she bawled her eyes out. People in that place will never be happy. You are just another distraction from whatever issues they have inside and are not dealing with. They love you, sure, but they do not realise how much they are hurting you, and when they do, they sink into a deep pit of depression. For five minutes. Then they block it out again and carry on acting like a horny goldfish, chasing everything and conveniently forgetting the bad things they do to others. The closer they get to you, the more they hurt you, because you do not make the pain inside them go away. He's a wounded animal. You're not a vet. Leave him. No more contact. Edited May 21, 2011 by betterdeal
freestyle Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 It can drive you insane. The last woman I was involved with desperately wanted my love, but she also wanted to date other men at the same time, declaring that she believed in free love. I even accepted that and when to see a movie with another woman, and she bawled her eyes out. People in that place will never be happy. You are just another distraction from whatever issues they have inside and are not dealing with. They love you, sure, but they do not realise how much they are hurting you, and when they do, they sink into a deep pit of depression. For five minutes. Then they block it out again and carry on acting like a horny goldfish, chasing everything and conveniently forgetting the bad things they do to others. The closer they get to you, the more they hurt you, because you do not make the pain inside them go away. He's a wounded animal. You're not a vet. Leave him. No more contact. Hey Stace~~Better Deal nailed it here.....(great post, BD) People who behave like that, who don't take into consideration how their behavior affects others (it's all about them) , and never own their actions, (Instead they try to feed you excuse after excuse about how it's not THEIR fault) .....simply aren't good relationship material.And they never will be, unless they take a lot of time looking at themselves, and doing the hard work of changing not only their behavior, but their underlying attitudes as well. It's been 5 years with this guy now, and nothing's changed.How much more of your time & energy do you want to keep investing on a man who keeps hurting you?
threebyfate Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 stace, this guy continues to throw out football field sized red flags. He's not going to change. He needs external validation and drama like most people need air and water. Why are you still with him?
Author stace79 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I'm definitely not happy right now. I told him over the weekend that he has one week ('til Friday, which was our next scheduled therapy session) to show 100% improvement in the effort he is giving me. If he doesn't, I'm not going to the therapy session and I'm calling it quits for good. He went overboard yesterday, calling me at least five times throughout the day. But, as I expected, it didn't last long. Today he hasn't contact me once, but he's all over Twitter talking to this random girl he knows I cannot stand. She's a single mother and is very flirtatious with him. He insists it's innocent, but the fact is that it bothers me - he spends more effort chatting with her throughout the day than he does making efforts to talk to me. I am really livid.
betterdeal Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Innocent or not, it is making you unhappy. You have told what he does that makes you unhappy, and he's decided to do it anyway. That's not at all friendly, is it? You don't deserve to be treated like that, do you? If you were your own big sister, and you were a young child, and someone was hurting you, what would you do? You'd make them stop, right? You make him stop by cutting him loose, letting him go and blocking him from getting in touch. I hope this is the last chance you give him, for two reasons: your development, and his development. You will feel good when you stick to your own word. You may be in pain, but you will feel good. You will have stood up for yourself against the bully.
Author stace79 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 I appreciate your supportive response. I just don't understand why he doesn't get it. And because I'm sort of a control freak, I'm sitting here trying to MAKE him get it and change, instead of just accepting that he doesn't care enough to change.
betterdeal Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 So you've hit a brick wall on your path to happiness. You've been banging your head against it for years now. You're free to continue to bang your head against it, or you can walk around it and leave it behind. You've done enough trying to understand him. Now do some understanding you.
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