RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 When I start a relationship with a guy, I know I shouldn't dwell on his past. If he's had many sexual partners before, it doesn't necessarily mean that he'll cheat on me or lose interest right away. I don't mind if my guy had sex with his previous girlfriends, but it bothers me when I find out that he's had casual encounters, f*ck buddies, and/or sex since he was 12. Even if I like/love my guy, I still can't help feeling like he's "used" goods or possibly comparing me to girls in his past. The worst is when I meet a guy who isn't that interested in sex because he's had a lot of it already. My three ex-boyfriends told me they wanted to "settle down" with me since I'm a "good girl." I should appreciate that they didn't see me as a piece of @ss. But is it so wrong to want a guy who was at least a bit more selective in who he slept with? It's such a turn-off for me when a guy seemed too available to every girl who was willing to sleep with him.
Knittress Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Men don't really 'get tired of sex' because they've had a lot of it. I think your insecurities are blinding you a bit. I know a guy who would nail practically anything female, but he's loved very few women in his life. Love means a lot, more than sex, even to guys... IF on the other hand, you're talking about how you want a man that values the emotional intimacy of sexuality - then I'm with ya. It's not horribly common, and it's more a personality-thing than an experience-thing. Don't judge this by a guy's numbers.
Sanman Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) You can expect anything you want. However, there may be a bigger problem here. If your past three bfs are like this then chances are you have a tendency to like smooth guys who know how to take charge, say the right things, etc. They get that way for a reason. They want sex and this is how they obtain it. A guy with less experience is more likely to not be hat way and not turn you on like these guys. So, either give some different guys a chance or let go of your notions that more sexual partners is a bad thing. Many guys inflate numbers and lie about that stuff anyway. Edit: Reading what knittress had to say I will add that having sex and having emotional intimacy are two different things. Most men I know consider intimacy to more of a binding meaningful thing than sex. Women often tie the two together. Also, I have had a good deal of sex and all it does is get me interested in more sex. Just one man's opinion. Edited May 20, 2011 by Sanman
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 @Knittress: I say "tired of sex" because I've actually been told by a couple ex-boyfriends that sex wasn't that big of a deal to them anymore. I think that's a horrible thing for them to tell me, but perhaps they were lying because they didn't have that great a time with me. They liked the fact that I wasn't promiscuous, but didn't have more patience to be with someone sexually inexperienced. Shouldn't they have been more excited to have me if they were truly in love with me? And it's not the numbers that bother me. In fact, I never asked for or received exact numbers of their past encounters. But I feel cheated that they no longer have the drive to have frequent, non-conservative sex. Just because they want to settle down doesn't mean we can't have a great sex life.
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 @Sanman: You make a couple really good points. I can usually tell when a guy is trying to smooth-talk me, but I'm still attracted to confidence (not conceit) and self-awareness (not self-centeredness). I think a guy can be those things without having to have sex with every girl who spreads her legs. I want a guy who is selective with his partners, but not just because he's a socially-awkward geek who doesn't know how to talk to girls. I'm just saying it's a turn-on when a guy takes time to get to know a girl (or to love her) before jumping in the sack. Just like a lot of guys don't want to settle down with a promiscuous girl, I don't want to settle down with a promiscuous guy. Promiscuity grosses me out, to be honest. And, like I told Knittress, it's not just about the numbers. I don't really like guys who sleep with girls "just because" or who think bragging to me about their sexual abilities will make me more likely to sleep with them.
musemaj11 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Just like all women are gold diggers, all men are whores. This is the fact of life.
Sanman Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 @Sanman: You make a couple really good points. I can usually tell when a guy is trying to smooth-talk me, but I'm still attracted to confidence (not conceit) and self-awareness (not self-centeredness). I think a guy can be those things without having to have sex with every girl who spreads her legs. I want a guy who is selective with his partners, but not just because he's a socially-awkward geek who doesn't know how to talk to girls. I'm just saying it's a turn-on when a guy takes time to get to know a girl (or to love her) before jumping in the sack. Just like a lot of guys don't want to settle down with a promiscuous girl, I don't want to settle down with a promiscuous guy. Promiscuity grosses me out, to be honest. And, like I told Knittress, it's not just about the numbers. I don't really like guys who sleep with girls "just because" or who think bragging to me about their sexual abilities will make me more likely to sleep with them. The issue I think is that what women call confidence, we men are calling 'well-practiced' in the other thread. What you are looking for is rare indeed then. Hell, I do like to know a woman before sleeping with her, but it usually doesn't happen as many women see not trying to sleep with them as a lack of interest. Dating alone has led me to what one less experienced woman called 'man-whore' status. This issue is that she liked me and was after me, not the inexperienced guy I used to be when I only had a couple of experiences. Your best best is to find a guy that is a serial long term dater. Though, many of those guys are (obviously) already spoken for.
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 @Sanman: It's depressing how true your statement seems. It's usually obvious when a guy is trying too hard, but some guys are just so darn good at talking to women! Sometimes it's hard to tell whether a guy's genuine or has ulterior motives.
Sanman Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Here is the other thing, I often feel that those that are more practiced and know the way of the world have a different view of it than the (more idealistic?) less experienced people. I have been with some crazy nympho women in my time who were also certifiable outside of the bedroom. I am getting to a similar phase as these guys. I want a stable relationship, but realize I will likely have to give up the crazy sex. Does that mean I won't teach a woman I love? No. But none of us wants to be the one doing the work and there are many things I fear a less experienced person may judge me about and be 'grossed-out' by. Can't expect them to have an open mind about teaching if you are not necessarily open to trying new things.
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 But I feel like I was the one doing most of the initiating (even though I didn't know what I was doing). I was never conservative and I was very open to trying new things. But I felt like I ended up with guys who got lazy after all the crazy sex they had when they were younger.
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 I just wanted to clarify that I would be open to crazy sex, but with a special guy. Not just a random dude or someone I only "kinda like" but who I'll settle for because I'm just that horny.
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 And another reason why I wouldn't want an "over-sexed" or "super-experienced" guy is because I'd want to be able to still explore with him. What fun would it be if he knew all the tricks and wasn't excited about sex as I was? I'm not a prude or frigid or inhibited, but I've been selective about my partners in the past. Sex just wouldn't be good for me if I didn't really have a connection with a guy.
Sanman Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Can I ask how old you are? My previous statement was not a judgement on you or how open you are. Just trying to give you the other side. It may simply be that many of those guys are past that phase or don't want to put in the work.
threebyfate Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Sounds like what you're looking for is a relationship-style guy. That has always been one of my criterias and there's never been a serious lack of them. Be patient and selective. It's a matter of luck and timing.
bluenightowl Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Sanman: "Hell, I do like to know a woman before sleeping with her, but it usually doesn't happen as many women see not trying to sleep with them as a lack of interest." Why not? It seems there are lots of women out there looking for guy to get to know before sex? What if you waited? Do you really think she would move on to another guy if she liked you? That said.. there are lots of women in this forum who seem to feel they will lose a guy if they don't have sex..
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 @Sanman: I'm 25, going on 26. Two of my exes are only 1-2 years older than me, and the third ex is 6 years older. My first relationship: 18-19 (he was 19-20); my second relationship: 19-21 (he was 25-27); my third relationship: 24 (he was 25).
DreamerGirl27 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 seriously, what is with guys and their need to screw anything that moves? Even gay men have more sex than lesbians. I get that they have a higher sex drive, but what I don't get is the first person to respond. That he/she knew of a guy that would screw anything female, but only loved few women in his life. Why bother then? I cannot make myself want to be intimate with anyone I don't love.
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 I'm looking for commitment (exclusiveness, at the very least). I don't have to be incredibly serious with a guy - looking to get married anytime soon - but I want us to have a connection and maybe even love each other. Sex is special to me, and I hope to find a guy who feels the same way (especially if it were with a girl he truly loved). But yes, it's definitely luck and timing. I'm still young, and the guys my age aren't very reassuring haha...
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 @bluenightowl: One of my exes was actually a guy who struggled with erectile dysfunction (after being promiscuous from age 12-24). When we first started to get intimate with each other, my ex couldn't perform and worried about me leaving him. But I cared about him enough to stay. We were eventually able to have sex and it meant more later because we had had more time to get to know each other. But right after we broke up, my ex started sleeping around and has been promiscuous ever since.
Author RikRak Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 @DreamerGirl27: I agree with you completely. I prefer to have sex with someone I love, but my girl friends think I'm crazy. They're promiscuous women and they think I'm strange or conservative for wanting to wait for a special guy.
Scottdmw Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 There are guys who feel like you do. However, you might have to look a little harder to find them and be a little open-minded about other things. You don't necessarily have to go as far as finding someone who is very socially awkward, but if you really want a guy who's not promiscuous there has to be a reason why that particular man is not promiscuous. He will either be that way because for some reason he's not as attractive to other women or because he has values that matter to him that he follows. The values thing you are most likely to find in a religious man, not sure how you feel about that. For the case of not as attractive to other women, it becomes a question of whether there is something you can accept that other women don't want to. Scott
oldguy Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) When I start a relationship with a guy, I know I shouldn't dwell on his past. If he's had many sexual partners before, it doesn't necessarily mean that he'll cheat on me or lose interest right away. I don't mind if my guy had sex with his previous girlfriends, but it bothers me when I find out that he's had casual encounters, f*ck buddies, and/or sex since he was 12. Even if I like/love my guy, I still can't help feeling like he's "used" goods or possibly comparing me to girls in his past. The worst is when I meet a guy who isn't that interested in sex because he's had a lot of it already. My three ex-boyfriends told me they wanted to "settle down" with me since I'm a "good girl." I should appreciate that they didn't see me as a piece of @ss. But is it so wrong to want a guy who was at least a bit more selective in who he slept with? It's such a turn-off for me when a guy seemed too available to every girl who was willing to sleep with him. Don’t let anyone tell you there is a problem in it self being selective. There are people who believe that promiscuity or sleeping with as many people as they can is fine, for them. But if you don’t share that perspective don’t let them pressure you into thinking there is something wrong with you. However; if all or part of this is based on something other than a believe system, like RJ, there are steps that can be taken to help you with that. To be clear, people who suffer with RJ are almost never closet nymphs after they have gotten help with their RJ. There are averages & for people who fall significantly outside of those averages the reasons are of interest. If that isn’t a politically correct statement. The further people fall outside of averages, the more likely they may be to have been pushed outside of those averages. Don't apologies for being selective. And history does matter, especially more recent history. That is why we have credit scores, that is why bad drivers pay more for insurance than good drivers do. History does matter. Some people say it's judgmental in a relationship while most think it's just smart. Edited May 20, 2011 by oldguy
mr.dream merchant Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 As a guy, I'm with the OP except I want that in a woman. I don't want to be hugged and boo'ed up with a woman who's been around. I want a woman who's slept with like...man...at the most, for my age, 4 men. And none of those better be a one night stand or I'm going to label her a slut. :/
oldguy Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 As a guy, I'm with the OP except I want that in a woman. I don't want to be hugged and boo'ed up with a woman who's been around. I want a woman who's slept with like...man...at the most, for my age, 4 men. And none of those better be a one night stand or I'm going to label her a slut. :/ In my previous post I made some vague references to averages. The reason I mention that is because so many people come up with "a number" and there actually is an excepted average number but what was looked at was an average per year over two consecutive years. And if someone fell outside of THAT average it was worth looking into as a counselor and only if it was relevant to the issues.
DreamerGirl27 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 @DreamerGirl27: I agree with you completely. I prefer to have sex with someone I love, but my girl friends think I'm crazy. They're promiscuous women and they think I'm strange or conservative for wanting to wait for a special guy. Your friends who are being promiscuous are probably doing it because they think that's what guys want. I have a promiscuous friend who's done lots of things I would never dream of doing, but she's doing them because she wants the guy to marry her. I hope one day she learns that that's not the way to go about it.
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