John9876 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years, we're in our twenties and she has been away for the past year working in the states and will be returning for good in a few months. We've always kept in contact daily and have had our ups and downs, but went into the long distance relationship with a really pure desire to see it through and then move in together. We've been so strong our whole relationship and I'm currently in college and have avoided temptation at all costs, until I made a horrible mistake. On a recent visit we nearly broke up, the distance had really hurt our connection and its not as such that we didn't love each other or feel like we couldn't be truly happy, more so that we weren't bridging the distance. We talked of our lives seeming to be moving in different directions, but we had miscommunicated a great deal during the time due to fear/jealousy brought by the distance. In hindsight, the problems of long distance relationships are glaring and its not like we expected it to be easy. I had always been strong for her but the first seemingly apparent sign of doubt in our relationship was ill timed & tortured me night and day; i started drinking quite badly and I kissed a girl, someone I considered a friend, whilst we were both blind drunk. I didnt want this girl, it could have been anyone, sure drink makes things seem great at the time but there was no intention or purpose, just my mental state for perhaps allowing me to try and control what I thought to be a decaying relationship which I couldn't handle not controlling. She went to kiss me and I let her. Fool. From that precise moment, me and my girlfriend connected again. As if fate would have it she really tried to connect with me and I her and I had wrongly acted upon what was just another bump on the road. We spent a week together and we were us again. After she left I was in pieces that I'd let the moment to tell her pass, drinking endlessly to overcome the absolutely pointless mistake I'd made and self loathed to the point of losing it. I'm an honest man and I fess my mistakes, but our stretched relationship at the time and the emptiness of my error made feel totally unable to unload such doubt into her mind and felt like I was using an atom bomb to kill an ant. The crime was small, the idea that I would do it to her made me die inside. I don't know how I allowed myself to get in such a state, and a heavy night out later I made out (no sex/foreplay) with a close female friend of mine; for similar pointless and counter productive reasons as before. I woke up the next day and immediately told her everything and haven't stopped crying. She understands, did everything she could for me and was genuinely understanding and caring, obviously enraged at the time but making sure that I was okay and now seems willing to forgive me. She understands how things transpired in the context of our relationship and simply demanded I live my life in a way in which this couldn't happen again - not even scratching the surface of the extent of what I'd do to make her happy and put things right. All I needed was a clean slate and to come clean. I just cant lose the feeling of dread; the 2nd person will never share a word of what we did, but the very vague memory of what occurred is eating me up. Despite my honesty in all areas I can't bring myself to literally tell her how disgusting and horrible I feel for how I conducted myself with this person; with no motive or desire, but with a lust which only alcohol and an excess of self loathing can create, with one of my god damn harmless close friends. (I need new friends) Sorry for this being so long, but I'd really appreciate anyone's input on how I can best resolve this with respect to my girlfriend. She's all that matters and considering how she's treated me and how much I need her, my only aim is to make her as happy as I can. She deserves everything. Is this a scenario where I've paid the price and have to carry the guilt of the experience? Or one where she deserves to know the detail of arguably the biggest mistake of my life? I would never consider myself someone who would be unfaithful to her and I find it hard to believe I got myself in such a state as to do so. Theres nothing more important to me and I would appreciate any replies. Edited May 20, 2011 by John9876
Flgirl44 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 You seem to really understand the gravity of your actions and the motivations which lead you there. You also seem very sincere in your regret and remorse of the situation so I think you should be fine. I don't know if she is like me, but a heartfelt apology out of nowhere as if it were prompted by your love for her would work really well I think. That's what I was looking for at least. Goodluck
stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I think that if you truly mean everything you said, and you will never allow yourself to be in this situation again, that you should not tell her and you should do everything you can to work on your relationship with her. LDRs are extremely hard. I don't condone what you did, but I get it and it seems as if you are really, really sorry. Instead of self-loathing, put all your energy into showing her how special she is to you and don't ever take her for granted.
heartshaped Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Infidelity is an act that carries a heavy burden. Even if the person is willing to forgive you, which in this case your girlfriend seems willing to do so, this isn't something the two of you can just put behind you or move on from overnight. Your main problem really now is forgiving yourself. It's obvious you haven't and are holding yourself gravely accountable for your actions. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but at some point in time in order for this relationship to work, you have to forgive yourself. We are all people. We aren't infallible. Everyone makes mistakes and unfortunately, we all have to live with those mistakes and the consequences there within. I think the key to not repeating this error is what she has already asked of you, do not put yourself in a situation where this could occur again. If you get drunk and do idiotic things then do not drink.
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