Push for closure or find it myself?

[EgoJoe]

I have been giving her space...Although I've failed here and there followed by making mistakes, I just wanted confirmation I guess.

 

I've been speaking with my new mentor alot and he says I'm treating this like I'm still in it, which I'm not. He says there is a conclusion to this type of behavior but he won't share it and that I need to figure it out.

 

Hard to figure it out when I'm trying to seperate what is egotistical and what isn't.

[EgoJoe]

I'm posting here instead of lashing out. I may still do it anyways...but not today.

 

I didn't deserve the guilt trips, I bent over ****ing backwards to give you the benefit of the doubt as all of this unfolded and what is sad is that you made a tiny ****ing effort when I pulled away as all of this began and I thought that it was real. I doubt you've been faithful, I doubt you've been telling me the truth and I doubt you have a ****ing clue how you've impacted my emotions.

 

I had nothing to gain by telling you about that girl, I was apologizing because of the behavior that the guilt made me display. It was SIX ****ING MONTHS before we were exclusive, the only reason I didn't say it on the phone is because I was continually ****ing blinded by my infatuation with a girl who obviously doesn't ****ing exist anymore.

 

The saddest part of this is that is a real tragedy because it was avoidable, you should have just given me a clean break. Instead of putting me on the ****ing backburner, I ignored my gut feeling because I didn't want to be the guy who gave up on his "depressed" girlfriend. What is worse is I put my life back together only to have serious progress derailed by this nasty ****ing breakup. Did you put a smile on for everyone else or did you put the tears on for me? **** you for every lie, for every guilt trip, for everytime you made me wait for a simple ****ing response but you kept asking me to try.

 

**** you for telling me "I'm being forced to go here and there" by your friends, **** you for throwing **** back in my face that was just emotional responses when I was younger. **** you for everytime you lashed out with an insult when all I ever did was try to be constructive and understanding. **** you for all of the classic one-lines that indicative of putting me on the backburner while you either froliced with your friends or starting seeing someone else. I don't care what the truth is. I firmly believe you are incapable of telling it at this point. I just wanted you to be happy, you were just too selfish to give me a clean break.

 

I don't want you back. I don't want to see you. I don't even want to remember you. I don't even have the nerve to look at our pictures long enough to delete them or burn the real photographs. I feel like an idiot for ignoring all of the obvious red flags with your behavior, body language and actions but I still believed in you because of everything you did for me. People do change; not always for the better. You're so ****ing lucky that I'm not a spiteful person or I'd be doing something to spite you right now.

Edited May 23, 2011 by EgoJoe

[EgoJoe]

I didn't even get everything in there, yet, I feel immensely better.

 

It's so over and nothing short of her begging/admitting everything would ever get me to EVEN consider aking her back and I still wouldn't do it until I felt like it.

[EgoJoe]

I'm back to sadness and I didn't fight tears but they faded quickly. I guess I'm accepting it now. One week, no contact, down.

[EgoJoe]

Going to bed now. Took a hot bath, rinsed with a shower. Music on, lights out and seeing my shrink in the morning.

[Movingthrough]

Find closure from yourself, you will not get it from her.

 

 

Im coming up on a year in my breakup and i can tell you that this has been (and still is) the hardest part. The above comment is the truth but i know it sounds very cliche.

 

What i have learned is that we blow things out of proportion, you know in your head that it wont work out, and when someone sends a message to you like she did, you just have to let it go.

 

Sometimes i find myself thinking of my ex and the guy she got with right after me, how "happy" they are etc etc, but the reality is, she met a guy and they are doing the honey moon phase. What any one of us would be doing too. Its like CBT training, you have to be able to take your automatic thoughts and look at the rational side.

 

If i was you i would look at your situation as an out to move on, anymore contact on your part will make it worse trust me. As far as finding closure, its something that comes slowly with time. One day you will wake up and part of it will be gone, and things will be easier.

[sun_moon]

I'm sorry Joe! I'm on vacation and he fing creeps up in my thoughts, I feel like I'm trapped in memories and times of sadness, thinking bout the new girl and how he treated me throughout and in the end.

 

I'm proud of your venting and the NC, your doing really good.

[EgoJoe]

I overslept my therapy appointment. I just turned my alarm off. I think I'm going to contact for closure...because I agree with movingthrough's "theory on no contact"

 

I'm not dealing well. I go from acceptance back to confusion, relatively quickly.

 

I have to go get some caffeine now and call my therapist to apologize and reschedule.

[sun_moon]

Keep us posted, everything seems so unfair doesn't it. *sigh* good luck.

[EgoJoe]

Are you sure it will make it worse Movingthrough? I always held back and didn't get a chance to explain myself. She always leaves that damn opening for herself and I want to close it and say my piece.

 

That way, if down the road she wants to talk she'll know she will have to come clean or get ignored. I feel like I let her walk all over me because I was so dedicated. I don't want to call and be an egotistical prick. But, I want my power back.

[EgoJoe]

Haven't done it yet. I AM going to, but, when I'm calm.

[sun_moon]

Joe if your talking about your everyday control and power of feelings, then yes you will gain it back in time. If your talking bout power with her then:

1. You have control now bc you 2 aren't together anymore

2. She only has control if you allow her to by asking her and talking to her over and over again etc ....

 

By doing what you are doing now, not talking, you have full power bc she has the burden of not knowing anything bout your life. Even though she asked for it, I promise you the unknown can drive Someone crazy . You do have power.

Btw you have done everything you can to let her know you wanted it to work , yes down the line, you and her will know she fell from the cracks not you .

[EgoJoe]

Well, I really just want to say my piece about a few things without lashingout. She always leaves herself that opening and I let her because I was so caughtup in the thought of "never seeing her again".

 

The more I dwell without trying the more I realize that there was alot of "future" pressure on her and that could have been the largest contributing factor. I still feel dumb for admitting about the other girl, I feel like unaddressed there is no chance for real reconciliation.

 

Despite not wanting it on her terms, I know she's smart and when negative feelings pass we might be able to come to terms, not as friends or lovers but as we have in the past when we broke up the first time.

 

It's weird honestly, because I've got rationale and then I've got logic and then I've got emotional attachment etc.

[EgoJoe]

Mehhhhhh probaby never will see or hear from her again.

[Call Me Al]

Although seeing or hearing from an ex sounds like it would be the answer to your problems when you are hurting...it would almost certainly make you feel worse.

 

If she said everything you wanted said and you got validation and felt appreciated, etc....odds are it would make you feel better but then it would make you start pining over her because she was so kind and caring to say exactly what you needed to hear.

[EgoJoe]

Yah well, this whole thing has been stupid. I feel like an idiot and I just don't know what to do.

[EgoJoe]

I can't sleep. I can't think. I'm ****ing crying again. I play video games, I chill, I try to relax and I'm losing it. I deserved a ****ing real answer not that ****ing brush off. How could she change so much and resent me so much?

 

I'm not suicidal, but I've been sober off alcohol for almost 3 years and I don't smoke pot because it makes my anxiety crazy. I need help, majorly. I have 0 coping strategy right now.

[EgoJoe]

I'm going to lie down again with music on. Sun_moon thanks for your support I know we're going through the exact kind of breakup and that you've been trying to help me specifically. I tried to PM you but you can't get them yet, so post more!

 

Movingthrough, thank you, I believe you're right. Al, thank you for your logic, I have read your short post over and over again.

 

It's obvious that I gave myself to her too completely and that she is going through a self-absorbed GIGS. If and when I do break no contact. It will be to stand up for myself without lashing out. Because even though closure will come from myself, you do have to say everything you need to say.

 

I was too nice...too needy...too understanding. But, I didn't need her, I just wanted to need her. That amazing girl isn't gone she just lost interest in me and I need to accept that.

[Mack05]

Joe I know how you are feeling. I've been there. You desperately want closure off the other person, but they for various reasons you don't truly understand they won't give it to you (that closure you desperately seek). Because we don't get closure we begin to obsess. They are all you think about. A million thoughts swirl through your head. What if I did this, what if I did that. What are they doing now etc etc etc.

 

As said on this thread closure comes from within. The only way you can get closure is to leave go. Hanging on hoping, obsessing, means you stay in the same dark place and the chances are VERY high this relationship has run it's course. It's false hope, and then when the realisation hits us in the face that it is actually truly over we have wasted months of our lives. We only get one chance in life. Looking back in these situations is pointless, it's what we do going forward that really matters.

 

I am in Therpay too and my Therpapist says we obsess because we can't face our feelings so we let our minds wonder. I agree with that. You need to turn things into you and find out how you are feeling. When you do that,, she shouldn't be on your mind. There are various techniques to do this. One is to close your eyes and focus on your breathing (sitting upright on a chair). Be aware of where your body is (i.e. your can feel your feet on the floor, your conscious of your breathing, your hand might be touching your leg etc etc).

 

Stay like this for awhile until your mind is empty. Then start to focus on how you are feeling (NO THOUGHTS OF YOUR EX). Maybe your jeans fit tight and your belly is hanging out. Maybe you feel a strain somewhere in your body, could be anything, just feel it. Eventually how you are really feeling will come to the fore. It could be anger or sadness or various kind of emotions. Whatever it is FEEL it. Feelings are like weeds. If you ignore them they run wild. This is how we truly get to know ourselves. I know it sounds strange, but trust me it works.

 

After awhile write those feelings down on paper. Keep doing this every day. As for your ex, the best way to move on is forgive them. Forgiveness frees us to really move on. Otherwise we give them too much power over us. And honestly, they don’t deserve it..

Everyday focus on you and your happyness. Do little positive things everyday. Going to the gym and eating healthy is a great way to start feeling positive about yourself again. Remember when we are happy within ourselves, we attract the right kind of people and those relationhips have a FAR better chance of success.

 

Good luck mate. If I can crawl out of hell, everyone else can..

[Movingthrough]

Are you sure it will make it worse Movingthrough? I always held back and didn't get a chance to explain myself. She always leaves that damn opening for herself and I want to close it and say my piece.

 

That way, if down the road she wants to talk she'll know she will have to come clean or get ignored. I feel like I let her walk all over me because I was so dedicated. I don't want to call and be an egotistical prick. But, I want my power back.

 

Im kind of both ways on this issue only because i know we are going to do what we want to do. In other words, if your head is telling you that you want to contact then you probably will, its just something we have to do.

 

About 6 months into my breakup, after me and her didnt talk for months, i sent her an email basically saying that i never meant this or that in the relationship and i just wanted to make it clear. It was cool, calm and needed no reply. I knew in the back of my head that it was the "wrong" move because weeks before she was "painting me black" to a mutual friend (jealous i was talking to other girls). But, i remember sitting down and thinking what do i need to for ME, it was a few things i needed to get off my chest..so i did it.

 

A week later she writes me back through text, completely flips the story and basically i see the drama coming. I respond with a stern but mature message basically saying this and that have a good day. She comes back with crumbs saying something like "ok well if thats how you feel..." basically trying to reel me in.

 

The point is, if you have to do this for yourself then do it, but dont expect her to have a eureka moment and see where you are coming from. Its hard to find closure in yourself, so if your reach out just have a plan if you contact her.

[Mack05]

Im kind of both ways on this issue only because i know we are going to do what we want to do. In other words, if your head is telling you that you want to contact then you probably will, its just something we have to do.

 

About 6 months into my breakup, after me and her didnt talk for months, i sent her an email basically saying that i never meant this or that in the relationship and i just wanted to make it clear. It was cool, calm and needed no reply. I knew in the back of my head that it was the "wrong" move because weeks before she was "painting me black" to a mutual friend (jealous i was talking to other girls). But, i remember sitting down and thinking what do i need to for ME, it was a few things i needed to get off my chest..so i did it.

 

A week later she writes me back through text, completely flips the story and basically i see the drama coming. I respond with a stern but mature message basically saying this and that have a good day. She comes back with crumbs saying something like "ok well if thats how you feel..." basically trying to reel me in.

 

The point is, if you have to do this for yourself then do it, but dont expect her to have a eureka moment and see where you are coming from. Its hard to find closure in yourself, so if your reach out just have a plan if you contact her.

 

I completely disagree with this post. If you can't find closure within yourself you will always have problems moving forward. There will always be something else, could be another relationship or something else that we need closure from. Does that mean we always need other people for closure before moving forward?NO!The best thing you can do is get closure from within your self. To gain peace, acceptance. That's the real way we move on. Taking the power from someone else and giving it back to yourself.

 

Ego, speak to close family, friends, your Therapist show me one person that says its a good idea to break no contact. You won't. Listen to the people closest to you. They can see things much clearer then we can. When we are in a tough place we don't think clearly, we are confused on what is the right thing to do. The right thing to do is maintain NC. If they are not in contact with you there is a very good reason for that. It's because they don't want to talk or hear from you. Doesn't matter what we have learnt, or how much we have changed. They don't want to know, they have their minds made up and most times it's not for changing. Keep your pride, your dignity and let them move on in peace. Focus on you and you alone.

 

These are the times to really get to know yourself, to make positive changes to your life and let go of someone special. Both of you will go onto bigger and better things and i'm sure there is always going to be a special place in your heart for certain exe's. That's part of life's journey.

 

Forgive and let it go mate...

Edited May 24, 2011 by Mack05

[EgoJoe]

The whole damn situation is confusing. Thats the way the relationship began to unravel and because of the distance, I don't know alot. She changed and I believe began to resent me. I don't quite understand it and it's hard to conclude what happened.

 

The only reason I am thinking of contact is to make some things clear because I think and feel that I have left a bad impression of the emotional me, not the real me and I just want to stand up for myself.

[EgoJoe]

Everytime I read a post about women not leaving you before they have another branch to swing to, I feel a pang of pain and I'm back to square one. Rescheduled my therapy appointment for next monday.

 

I am so angry and confused and heartbroken. But, it's over. It's over, I need to tell myself that again and again.

[sun_moon]

Joe,

How does the messaging thing work?

Speaking of emotional states..... Yup that is how we last talked, don't worry about that, it happens more often than not and it's not indicative of your ENTIRE relationship, don't obsess on it, focus on something else.

What kind of phone do you have? If it's app friendly download some new games and focus your energy and numb yourself on playing those games.

It's helps in times of anxiety, gets You out of the cycles of hopelessness.

Is she your first love?

It's believed that the 1st loves are always the hardest to get over. Once your heart is broken more than once, at least you know what to expect.... In my case yes I'm depressed, heartbroken, feel replaced, anguished, but I'm not hopeless.

It's really good you can pin point that symptom, and it's very good you are seeking therapy. Hopelessness is a dangerous feeling and it's just a downward

slope to other ugly thoughts and feelings.

 

I had a rough start to my day and I'm on vacation....:-( I will post that in another thread.

 

Don't let your ego take over your true issues...I hate that about my ex and I wish he could just talk to me without his arrogance pride or blame.....just him and his feelings, I would actually want to listen to him, but he doesnt care he's off with someone else and moved on.

 

Not saying your doing that but I'm commenting on you wanting to clear yourself of her last impression of you, doesnt matter, she knows past the stupid overemotional outbursts is you wanting her back.

 

Keep going with NC and therapy and posting here.

[EgoJoe]

I think you have to have 100 posts or have been here for a month.

 

It's not just about an impression though, I let her walk all over me and that isn't me. My first instinct was to distance myself and I fell for breadcrumbs because of everything she had done for me. I am playing video games but they aren't fun or exciting. I've been getting exercise but I still feel broken and confused.

 

Yes she was my first real love.

Edited May 25, 2011 by EgoJoe