AngelaT Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Been with BF for 6 months. Things were totally wonderful. We had great communication, each others best friends, had lots of fun together, great "chemistry", our children all thought everything was awesome (we're both divorced). He'd told his girls and I told mine we were going to get married as well as lots of friends and family. I'd met his entire family and we set a date for July tentatively for a small very private ceremony and WHAM. "I need a break, I'm not ready for a committment right now" out of nowhere. Five minutes after we'd talked, and he'd brought up a bad story about his ex-wife. We'd ended the conversation with "I love you" and he texted five minutes later and said "I'm not ready, I'm sorry, you're not the one" He called and we talked that night and he changed his mind. He has since totally pannicked and pushed EVERYONE, not just me away and said committment scares him. He's going to bars more, which he hates and it's not like him. He was completely imasculated by a cheating ex wife (he's said he hates her and I believe him) and lost EVERYTHING in his divorce which is, I'm sure where this fear comes from, the anger too. I've never heard such anger as I heard from him last time I talked to him, said he wanted everyone to just leave him alone and he didn't ever think we would be married. He's been divorced for a year almost. The other details.... 1. If I text him - he always responds. 2. If I ask him to call me, he does. 3. Everytime the subject of marriage was brought up it was HIM that brought it up, and HIM that pushed things forward. Thoughts? I haven't called or texted since Sunday and I don't plan to until he calls me or texts me. Good plan? Do you think we have a future?
rayne05us Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) Well I mean a year sounds like a good amount of time, but it sounds like you and actually him got together 6 months after right? I've been cheated on before and it takes a WHIIIIILE (I wasn't even married so that's even worse). And to be honest for you guys to be even talking about marriage 6 months in is REALLY rushing it to me What's the rush? Especially if he just got divorced? Is there anyway you and him can just be boyfriend and girlfriend without the marriage right now? I really don't see how you would even know you want to get married to someone 6 months in. It seems like you're understanding and you understand he's been devastated. If you and him have a good relationship so far, maybe you and him just need more time to build a foundation?? Maybe there is a chance you and him could get back together, but without all of the pressure of marriage??? It sounds like he needs more to to build trust. Edited May 20, 2011 by rayne05us
Author AngelaT Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Well I mean a year sounds like a good amount of time, but it sounds like you and actually him got together 6 months after right? I've been cheated on before and it takes a WHIIIIILE (I wasn't even married so that's even worse). And to be honest for you guys to be even talking about marriage 6 months in is REALLY rushing it to me What's the rush? Especially if he just got divorced? Is there anyway you and him can just be boyfriend and girlfriend without the marriage right now? I really don't see how you would even know you want to get married to someone 6 months in. It seems like you're understanding and you understand he's been devastated. If you and him have a good relationship so far, maybe you and him just need more time to build a foundation?? Maybe there is a chance you and him could get back together, but without all of the pressure of marriage??? It sounds like he needs more to to build trust. I would be totally fine with that. It's him that always brings up marriage and scared the bajeezus out of himself. He's asked for time alone so I'm giving him that. I guess that's the only thing I can do right now huh? He said he probably needs a couple of weeks by himself. I guess I'm okay with that. I miss him so much. I really love him, and I believe he still loves me - it's jus burried in fear and anger. He couldn't even say it on the phone on Sunday...but in all honesty I didn't even recognize his voice he sounded so angry. Cussing like a sailor and just being well nasty which is not AT ALL like him. What he can't wrap his mind around is..he got scared because he loves me, if he didn't - this would not be an issue, we would have just broken up and that would have been that. So I guess I just have to leave him be to work it out?
rayne05us Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Why is he ANGRY at you? I could see him being confused and needing some time, but why is he yelling at you? This is obviously HIS problem and it sounds like he thought that if he rushed into something else, it would take away the pain, but I think he see it's not. Although it sounds like he loves you....he still needs time. Has he seen a therapist or anyone to talk to about what he went through?
Author AngelaT Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) He wasn't yelling at me...just yelling, if that makes any sense. He just had this anger in his voice as he was telling me about all the stressful stuff going on in his life right now. He rarely cusses and he was throwing them out right and left. Frustration maybe is a better word? He has a lot of anger toward his ex wife and she doesn't care that he's angry. She's about to marry the man she left him for. So it's just my Walmart Psychology opinoin but I kind of think he's saying things to me he knows I don't want to hear "I don't see us every getting married" (on sunday) because he knows it will hurt me, since he can't hurt her - the one he's truly angry at. He also said his head is completely messed up and he has nothing to give a woman right now which is the other reason I think frustration might be closer to the right term and he's just "talkin' crazy". The conversation was kind of odd in that there were moments when I think I heard "him" - the real him among all the craziness. He did go to counseling for a while after his divorce but he certainly needs more. If he gets his head on straight, and I'm sure he will, it can't be pleasant to feel and act like he does, we will certainly go to relationship counseling together or he can go alone if he'd rather do that. Edited May 20, 2011 by AngelaT
Author AngelaT Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) According to a few male friends, he's "just having a freak out". That's kind of what I thought. Thinking that he needs to "make sure" he's ready to be done with the single night life kind of stuff. He has a profile on plenty of fish.com which confuses me. He says he's looking for "hang out" and his profile says he's not looking for any committment or relationship. So why do a personal ad? It's not sex, or he would have put that he wanted "Casual encounter". Wierd. It's not like it matters really, if you've been on PoF lately, the chicks he's in contact with...well...lets just say I have no competition. I guess I just wait him out at this point, I don't feel like dating anyone else. He has not deleted me from FB or deleted my number, so he says. This just stinks. Why couldn't he have decided he was done being single BEFORE he started telling me he wanted to be married? Ugh. Edited May 20, 2011 by AngelaT
bonpaw2008 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Hey Angela - I totally feel your pain. That was my last break-up in a nutshell. He had two failed marriages and didn't know how to make it work. We were good friends a long time ago and I was expecting that same guy when I fell for him. He was not the same person. He was bitter, commitmaphobic, unwilling to bend or change. He would be all into me for a month but then I could slowly feel him peeling away from me. At first I hung on tight because I wasn't sure what was going on, but after way too many times then I would like to admit I had to let him go. My guy needed way more help then I could give, but would never admit that it was him and his problems. Sorry for sob story but I wanted to tell you that you are doing the right thing. It is ok to hope things will be better and he will come back, but obviously he needs his space to figure this out and your plan of giving that to him is right on. Replay the relationship and see if you could have seen this coming at all - sometimes when you are all gushy and lovey the signs are hard to see, you may have more clarity now looking back. Good luck
Author AngelaT Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 He openly admits it him. He says it's his problem and has nothing to do with me. He says I did nothing wrong. I know that really. There was NO prompt for this, nothing. Which leads me to think he just got cold feet. I'm optimistic and I hope he works out his issues.
Author AngelaT Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Small update... He's trying to get my attention with his facebook status. Not playin'. Thanks for your thoughts everybody. When he does come back I want him to be all completely in because he truly wants to be, I want it to have nothing to do with anything I did. If it's meant to be (and I believe with all my heart it is) it will be.
Author AngelaT Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 I'm not just being a pill here right? I've earned a phone call at least right?
Author AngelaT Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 I just wanted to give a little update and a little hope to those of ya'll that are in my boat. It took THREE MONTHS with random texts here and there and he called. He said he is realizing what's important to him. He says I'm always on his mind and although he has dated some, I'm always in the back of his head. He hasn't had any other women in his house or anything serious and he misses me. This is a good step. Wish us luck!
bonpaw2008 Posted August 2, 2011 Posted August 2, 2011 Hey Angela - congrats but please be careful. Mine has done this to me so many times in the past three years I can't count. I bring it up every time he says he misses me and has made a mistake and he actually denies that he ever said it before. Ask him what has changed, ask him how things are going to be different, don't get yourself in too deep until you know. Don't change what you have been doing until you know he is sincere and that you are not just his "fallback" girl. Best wishes, I hope you are happy and get what is best for you!
Author AngelaT Posted August 2, 2011 Author Posted August 2, 2011 I asked the same questions, "what's different now?" and I was very satisfied with the answer. So I hope in the near future we can get together again and maybe start some relationship counseling just to make sure we are communicating correctly.
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