vweb1218 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Hi, was wondering if anyone has dealt with this ? I have a great 7 year old son. I have little issues with him but he is so sensitive and seems to be an extreme perfectionist (with a messy room) hahaha. He has got one question wrong on comprehension in first grade and is still talking and obsessing about it months later. He cries on the rare occasion he is wrong and then still tries to argue himself out of it. He is usually okay with others mistakes but not always and always points out when family members do or get something wrong. I just don't know how to get him to be comfortable with not getting 100% on everything. It's great that he thrives so hard to be great, but hate that he worries so MUCH about things a most first graders could care less about.. Any advice ?
PelicanPete Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 It sounds like he is under an usual amount of pressure to succeed, whether it be you influencing him, a teacher, a coach, or a classmate that he is comparing himself to. Is he under the impression he has big shoes to fill? Has he always been like this? If this is just a recent behavior, his motivation will eventually fade and he'll grow out of it. If there is something pressuring him to be perfect, it won't dissolve as easy.
The Great Gazoo Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Try and see if you can find some resources that can help. Or even consider counselling with a child therapist? This is something that can have LONG term complications and effect the rest of his life if not dealt with now.
threebyfate Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Children learn from being taught and by osmosis. Do his actions reflect his environment?
Author vweb1218 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Yes, He has always been like this... Talked late and I know it is because he was waiting till he could do it right ! He did go to a therapist but the therapist couldn't pin point anything specific, thought he might be Aspergers but that was ruled out !! He might be or end up being a little OCD I would not be surprised. He has friends, loves school and has a great sense of humor. This is really the only thing that worries me about him Thanks for your advice !!
Author vweb1218 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 It sounds like he is under an usual amount of pressure to succeed, whether it be you influencing him, a teacher, a coach, or a classmate that he is comparing himself to. Is he under the impression he has big shoes to fill? Has he always been like this? If this is just a recent behavior, his motivation will eventually fade and he'll grow out of it. If there is something pressuring him to be perfect, it won't dissolve as easy. No, no one is pressuring him. He has just always been like this. I am a complete disaster compared to him (lol).. I do expect a little more out of him that some kids just because he is so bright ! But, just don't want him to get bored !
oldguy Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 This is an off the wall suggestion you may want to consider. It's a long shot but I guess thats why your here, LOL. You mentioned OCD. I was a family/relationship counselor and I had seen a few rare cases of food allergies that caused OCD like symptoms. You might want to take him to someone who specializes in that, a Psychiatrists in this case instead of psychologist maybe and go from there. Good luck.
spiderowl Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 He may have OCD or Asperger's or something but at the moment probably the best thing you can do is to keep reminding him that it's the person that matters not perfection. That people can still be great and not be perfect. Pehaps you can emphasise other qualities that are valuable - creativity, warmth, encouragement, courage, supportiveness. The other thing to consider is what messages are being given to him by his surroundings, i.e. home and school. I was brought up to believe I had to strive for perfection and nothing else was good enough. I doubt my parents intended this but this happened partly for cultural reasons. It is only through time and experience that I have come to realise that what matters is the kind of person I am (and others are) rather than meeting other people's expectations. The way my parents unwittingly reinforced this belief was by constantly comparing me and my siblings with others - my neighbour's son was always up and out of the house by 8.00am, my cousin worked hard helping her mum in the house, my auntie was a 'worker'. The implication was I was falling short on every front. While this kind of talk hurt at the time, what was more damaging was the unconscious message which was you are not up to scratch, you must try harder. Another poster mentioned that your son was using a form of power by being so perfectionist. I think this is always a danger too. I have a 'friend' who is extremely critical, more like a professional critic than anything, criticising artists, designers and so on. What he gets out of doing this is anybody's guess but he seems to feel a need to criticise others. It makes him feel better than them in some way so I guess it is related to his own self esteem, but nevertheless, it would be better to build your son's self esteem and confidence that he doesn't have to be perfect than to end up with someone who not only criticises himself all the time but others too. You sound a very caring mum to me and I feel sure you are doing your best to help your son. I think you've got a tough task again if it's his basic personality but I'm sure you can do much to mitigate this trait. Best of luck!
Author vweb1218 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 This is an off the wall suggestion you may want to consider. It's a long shot but I guess thats why your here, LOL. You mentioned OCD. I was a family/relationship counselor and I had seen a few rare cases of food allergies that caused OCD like symptoms. You might want to take him to someone who specializes in that, a Psychiatrists in this case instead of psychologist maybe and go from there. Good luck. He has EE (Eosinophilic esophagitis).. This relates to allergies.. He is recently diagnosed. We have an allergy test coming up, so thanks. I will look into it!!
alethean Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I had this problem growing up, the talking late issue too. My parents didn't discourage it--in fact, they implicitly encouraged it--and today I still have issues with perfectionism and anxiety. Keep an eye on him...
Chocolat Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Is he gifted? Kids with IQs in the gifted range tend to be perfectionist.
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 No, no one is pressuring him. He has just always been like this. I am a complete disaster compared to him (lol).. I do expect a little more out of him that some kids just because he is so bright ! But, just don't want him to get bored ! Is it possible he's picking this vibe up from you? That you have higher expectations of him? No pressure. Be happy reguardless of his marks, good, bad, or average. For some reason he feels he needs perfection and control. A relaxation course with a therapist to teach him to destress and relax could help. Teach him how to do deep breathing and not feel anxious.
fascinated Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 Coming from a long line of OCD people with weird food allergies, you have my sympathy/empathy! Try to relax, you have a long way to go before he's an adult and lots of bumps on the road still. Your expectations are high and so are his, which means there will be lots of dissappointments and fallout. Buckle up, be prepared to show unconditional love, find a trusted counselor, and enjoy every common connection you can! <hugs>
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