I thought I was over him!

[freebird]

Ever think you were OVER the ex, only to find out you kinda aren't?!! Comments pls! Post: 1 | Quote:

 

First of all, how nice to find a forum such as this. I looked up advise columns on the internet and this one kept popping up, so I guess it's fate that I post this and join the rest of you on these message boards - which, I have found helpful. I'm also surprised to see alot of care, love and concern for people we do not even know - it's comforting!

 

Here is my situation and any input would be appreciated!! I was in a relationship that ended about a year ago. I knew he was never " the one", but I enjoyed his company, sort of. I live in an area where dating prospects are sort of limited, so I stuck it out with this guy. Needless to say, he was never my type, boring but safe, a computer geek and really into himself. Selfish, immature, but had this sweet side to him. I found myself increasingly unhappy over time but stupidly, continued to stay with him since I did not want to be alone - BIG MISTAKE! As time went on, I found myself bored, sad, unhappy and feeling quite unworthy, unattractive and unappreciated. Our relationship felt strained, he was moody, NEVER could say he loved me since he had never been in love with any woman before - and while he liked me alot, he just didn't love me. I loved him, but was NOT "in love" with him. I also wanted to break up with him since I truly felt since he was so closed off, did not like music and books or anything except computers and ebay - he just went again everything in my being. He was not even attractive or good in bed - but, he was safe and he had his sweet moments - yet he could be so cold. He never cheated on me, liked having me around, but that was about it.

 

Shortly after, we were having dinner and I mentioned to him I was not happy. No respone, but I take it - he must have took a mental note. Oddly enough, we made plans to go away together with him offering to pick up the tab. That was on a Friday, the next day - he broke up with me. I was both, RELIEVED and sad. He said it'd be better this way, and I know to this day he is RIGHT. Neither one of us has ever made the attempt to contact the other - it just ended - clean, short and sweet so to speak.

 

Months later, I found out he had sold all the gifts I gave him at ebay (that hurt alot), posted his picture on an Internet dating site and god only knows if he was lucky. I keep thinking, geez, the woman who puts up with his crap - I feel sorry for her.

 

WHY THEN, even though I know I could never have been happy with him, am I bothered, a year later to find out he may have a new girlfriend or does? He's not even attractive or exciting - why do I even care? My life has become infinitely better without him and I'm HAPPY and feel attractive again. I'm not dating since I do not have the interest - should I just get over myself and be happy for him?

 

What do you all think? I know it's better to choose forgiveness, release these troubled people (as I knew he was) then have anger or hate. I just feel surprised I'm even caring enough to write this here!! Please advise! What should I do if I run into him? I haven't for a year now - we run in different circles - always have always will.

 

Take care you alll...hang in there and I wish you all love and peace.

[overseas2004]

I can totally identify with you. I just spent 8 months with a man who was impotent and had psycological problems.

 

Although one thing does set my ex apart from yours. My ex was totally hot..... But still why did I do it? Why did I loose a year with a commitment phobic, impotent, angry man?

 

Well the answer is two fold. You (and I) are really too scared to live up to your potential and look for what you deserve. Past failures or unfullfilled childhood needs sometimes trigger us to look for the losers.

The second thing is... there is usually always something good and loveable in every person. You found what was loveable in your man and you loved him for that. And you spent a lot of time with him so you became adjusted to the bad.

 

Cmon there is hardly any person on this planet who does not have something worth loving when you get to know them.

 

But you will be far better when you meet someone new who is more worth it.

 

LOL

[freebird]

Overseas,

 

 

You are absolutely right! On every count. His indifference and unemotional manner reminded me of the way my father and brother were towards me - it's all I knew - and I figured that all men were like that - and that was the way it is - but at least he's got "morals". THe stuff we tell ourselves to justify a toxic relationship is just lame. The truth is, he was an ass, had emotional issues and that I DESERVE love and warmth - to hell with him, the father, ther brother - I don't care. At some point, you realize that you just aren't going to get the love and acceptance from some men and have to give it to yourself! That's what I did and I wouldn't give the next man who has issues like that 5 minutes.

 

About what was lovable about him - the fact that at moments, he was warm, he was sweet- he never cheated or even looked at other women, always was on time, always paid for dates and in general, was okay - but, you can also have a robot do that too. I wish him well and hope he gets some therapy! take care...

[Martin Guerrini]

The answer is simple. You are missing him because you are lonely inside and it's a very normal psychological scheme. Go and find company in your friends and family.

[freebird]

Hi Martin,

 

Actually I DONT miss him. At all. I think it was just a natural curiosity like Fedup said - that you just wonder who they are with since you. I don't miss being mistreated...or his moodiness nor his acting on his own whims and disregarding me. But, thanks for the concern. I hope you are getting on better with your personal situation - love is hard thing sometimes!! I wish you the best!

[Kate]

I am starting to get to that point in my relationship. That comment about "everyone has a good quality" is SO true -- it doesn't mean they even have the ones you need, or crave.

 

The good points are starting to outweigh the bad ones, but I am justifying it in my head for my own personal issues/reasons. He is generally a good guy, EVERYONE likes him, attractive, but not extremely goal-oriented, ambitious, deep, etc. I am the exact opposite. He is so sweet and easy to talk to, but at the same time, I am always chasing him for some reason, doing nice things for him. I don't think he has ever gone out of his way to do something special for me on his own.

 

It shouldn't matter the circumstances, I am also tired of making excuses and feel as though our relationship is going to come to an end. I am sensitive, sweet and incredibly caring. And it is just becoming obvious to me that there is no reciprocation. But the blunder is : I FEEL madly in love with him. I can't explain it.

 

does anyone who has been here and after have any advice as to how to approach a breakup or ultimatum? I am an expert at making excuses for people and pushing away my negative feelings. I always feel taken for granted and give too much, part of which is my problem though.

 

Anyone?

[freebird]

It shouldn't matter the circumstances, I am also tired of making excuses and feel as though our relationship is going to come to an end. I am sensitive, sweet and incredibly caring. And it is just becoming obvious to me that there is no reciprocation. But the blunder is : I FEEL madly in love with him. I can't explain it.

 

KATE!! What you FEEL is frustration when you can't get someone to respond the way you want. I did EXACTLY the same things you did because I felt the more I Gave, the more I would get back affection, approval anything - but NO! Some men are just selfish and the more you give, the more they will continue to take.

 

Try pulling back and not giving so much - I promise, he will change. You know why? You aren't going to be there all the time giving...he knows you'll be there no matter what you do - he knows you're not going anywhere so why should he try to keep you around?

 

Try putting yourself first - I swear the last thing on your mind is how to please this man MORE! When you put yourself first - it's up the other person to start giving so that the relationship will become reciprocal. I learned the hard way. Lastly, if you put yourself first, it's not all about him - it's about making you happy and that way you wont get so pissed off at yourself for giving endlessly to a guy who just frankly,doesnt deserve it.

 

Men don't want what they can get easily - eventually, if he's worth it and proves it - you can give more - but not until he proves himself. If he doesn't return the giving - you have your answer - either he doesn't care to return it or hes not for you!! Either way - you're outta there sister!! Good luck.

[Kate]

i did exactly what you posted in your last email here. i was lucky enough to recently find a new and fabulous job, so i had the luxury of travelling for the last week for training out of state. it gave me the chance to think about ME, put things into perspective and stop feeling so weak about the realtionship. i basically told my man "i am not happy. i feel taken for granted and i'm not happy". that was really the short and the long of it, i spoke in a calm and respectful manner and since it was over the phone, forced him to come to grips with my feelings. i didn't do it over the phone to be a jerk, it just so happened that at that point and time i was feeling strong and felt it was appropriate. needless to say, he apologized and said he felt like a jerk and that he was being selfish. i agreed and said that the only way things will work is if they are reciprocal. i was very nice about it and from that point on he has pulled a 180. also, i am no longer completely available whenever he needs me: i.e. i don't keep my phone on while i am napping to see if he has called, i just turn it off...i wait for him to call ME first now...i have my own goals and agenda that don't include him...things finally feel 50/50 now. nice feeling!

[freebird]

Hey Kate!!

 

I haven't been on these boards for awhile, but glad I checked in! I'm so happy you PUT YOU FIRST!

 

DONT FEEL BAD FOR CALLING HIM ON THE PHONE! You didn't have to call him at all - but you did what you had to do - and if the phone worked FOR YOU - who cares about him! I don't mean to be rude, but truly, you did what you had to do at the moment, and if the moment you were feeling strong, you called him and you GAVE YOURSELF CLOSURE.

 

Congrats on the new job - now, if he's in your life, he's in there to enhance it NOT be your life! However, I suspect within a few week of your new job and I bet more travel, you really won't think about him that much. Trust me - you'll start looking at him in a new light. If he treats you like crap or demands stuff - You'll probably just laugh and go "please son, come on now, this girl has gots to go!" and you'll feel that much better.

 

Buy yourself a pair of Juicy Sweatpants that say "Juicy" on the ass, put on a good cd and dance around the house and KNOW there are plenty of fish in the sea - you being one of them and think about you, have fun and forget about men for awhile - they will always be there.

 

Lastly, men are attracted to women who have a life, and really don't give them everything they want! Let the men do the work for awhile - you and I have given way too much and know that never got us anywhere! Again, if you find a super nice caring dude and you know he has proven himself, then give a bit more, until then - hell, just make yourself happy sister!!