grumbler Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 (English is not my mother language, so please ignore any errors) 4 weeks have passed since I discovered that my wife was cheating on me. She had a physical and emotional affair with a coworker, that lasted for about 2 months, during which they had sex 1 time. We have 3 daughters and have been together for 8 years. I loved her unconditionally and trusted her totally and completely. I still think about this all the time, I wonder how she could do this to me. I'm still very sad and hardly did any work in the last 4 weeks. I lost my goals. I made some mistakes in the past, I dedicated myself to work too much and I do not forget it. She says it was when everything was ruined. I wonder why she never spoke to me more seriously about the matter... When I look back I blame her for have not having talked to me more seriously, but I do not know how I could let the relation get to the state it was. Things between us were not well since some time ago. I spoke to her about that lots of times, but she never spoke. About 4 weeks before I found out (she was already involved with him), she finally spoke to me and told me that he had doubts if she still liked me. The result of this talk we had, was the decision that we would make an effort to make things work (she said it, but remained involved with him). I think right then I knew there was someone else, but hold it almost four weeks because when I asked directly if she had a lover, she looked me in eyes and said "I could never do that to you" and I trusted her. One day I just exploded and confronted her. I just knew she had a lover. She always denied, but I knew that something was wrong and began to collect small pieces of the puzzle. On the next day, I asked her again if she had something to tell me, to what she answered "no". Although it was very hard for me to do it, I decided to access her cell phone bill and saw dozens of phone calls and text messages for the same number. I just couldn't believe it... I said to myself: "I can't believe she really has a lover". It was very, very hard for me to cope with this. My world collapsed. :-( After that I told her I wanted to talk to her and asked her to come home earlier from work. I waited for her and when she arrived I asked her again, if she had something to tell me. She once more said "no" and I showed her the list of calls and text messages. She then told me who he was but continued to say that he was only a friend. I told her to stop lying because it would only worsen the situation and she eventually began talking and ended up telling me everything. Very briefly, we finally reached an understanding and against what I have always thought (my daughters had a lot of weight in this decision), I decided to try to live with the situation and stay with her. I still love her very much (don’t know how) and she says she loves me. She says that she found that out when she realized that could lose me. Says she is very sorry and that always felt very bad about the situation and did not enjoyed the sex (because she was feeling very bad, remembering me and what she was doing, all the time it lasted). She tried to end the affair several times, but kept returning to him. The truth, and she confessed it, is that she still has feelings for him. My head is a mess and I have much more to say, but for now I just ask some questions to who has experienced the same I’m going through: - She does not like sharing her feelings, but I've gotten her to confess that she misses being with him. She says as a friend, not has a man, but I know she still has deeper feelings for him. I want to try to understand what she feels, is there any woman who has lived the same and may try to explain me what's going on in her head? - They see each other every day (still working together) and she still has feelings for him. Is it just me or this combination is a time bomb? Will she be able to handle the situation? what is the probability of having a relapse? Should she look for another job? - She told me that she was in love with him or she thought she was, but now says she's not and loves me. Can she change the way she feels, in a day? - Having said so many lies, can she stop? Is there a reason for me to start trusting her? - After 4 weeks I still ask her questions. She does not like it, but has answers everything honestly (even told me the details about the sex). I want to know it all and still have so many questions, is this normal? - I feel that she is not trying hard enough or at least not as much as I need. Is it possible that I want too much? - Would it be better to separate myself from her, suffering all at once but being free to find another woman that makes me happy? - Having my daughters 3, 4 and 5 years, would they suffer with the separation? - I am still very unhappy and hurt, I constantly ask myself: "How could she do this to me?". Does this has a solution? When does it start to hurt less? - I choose to live with this, but I cannot forgive. Should I be able to forgive? - Would I ever be able to trust her (or any other woman)? Finally, I welcome every good advice that anyone who has experienced the same, can give me. Thank you all.
TMCM Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) You don't have to make a decision at this moment whether to stay married to your WW (wayward wife) or not, so stop putting pressure on yourself. Best to wait some months to allow you to get your emotions under control so that you can make a sound decision that you can live with. In the meantime get some professional counseling for yourself ASAP (as soon as possible). You are going to go thru the dreaded emotional rollercoaster many times during the coming months and year. It is of vital importance that you concentrate on your emotional healing FIRST for not only your benefit but for your daughters wellbeing as well. No matter what the outcome of your marriage turns out to be, you will make it. Edited May 20, 2011 by TMCM eta
drifter777 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Man, I'm sorry for you situation. What you are going through right now is maybe the most difficult emotional trauma you will ever experience and there is really no "right" way to handle it. I agree with TMCM on getting counseling for yourself as you really need a professional to help guide you through the inital shock. The questions you ask about being able to trust again and how long does it hurt are really up to you. If you are able to hold off from making any rash decisions until you have time to process this betrayal, I think you have a much better chance to make the decision that's right for you. You might consider separating from your wife for a while as the drama between the two of you over the affair will go on for a while and could be detrimental to your children - especially since they are so young. I didn't do that when I found out about my wife's cheating and it is one thing I wish I could do over. The temptation to let her off easy and just "tough it out" hoping it will get better over time is strong, but physically putting distance between the two of you can give you a better perspective on everything. I wish you peace.
The Great Gazoo Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 You don't have to make a decision at this moment whether to stay married to your WW (wayward wife) or not, so stop putting pressure on yourself. Best to wait some months to allow you to get your emotions under control so that you can make a sound decision that you can live with. In the meantime get some professional counseling for yourself ASAP (as soon as possible). You are going to go thru the dreaded emotional rollercoaster many times during the coming months and year. It is of vital importance that you concentrate on your emotional healing FIRST for not only your benefit but for your daughters wellbeing as well. No matter what the outcome of your marriage turns out to be, you will make it. Great advice, get some perspective first and then START to THINK about making a decision.
whichwayisup Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 You both need to go to marriage counseling. Together and apart, but use the same person for both. Don't make any decisions now until things have calmed down and dust has settled abit more. Right now your wife is in total withdrawal..Missing her co worker and the addictiveness of what an affair brings along. It may not "HIM" she misses, but how he made her feel. Affairs are intense and not based on reality. It's all fantasy, hidden and taboo, which makes it even more exciting. Whatever issues and problems in the marriage you each own..But, do NOT blame yourself and do NOT let HER blame you for HER choosing to have an affair and cheat on you! I think right then I knew there was someone else, but hold it almost four weeks because when I asked directly if she had a lover, she looked me in eyes and said "I could never do that to you" and I trusted her. Fact is, she is not the woman you married right now. She's selfish, she's put herself first above your feelings and the kids too. If you two can work through this together and she's willing to do EVERYTHING required to prove herself to you, gain your faith and trust in her again, then give her that chance..As long as she's willing to quit her job and be in total NC with the co worker. (Is he married as well? If so, consider letting his wife know what's been going on.) Sorry for your pain. Keep posting.
y2k Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I think right then I knew there was someone else, but hold it almost four weeks because when I asked directly if she had a lover, she looked me in eyes and said "I could never do that to you" and I trusted her. WOW. At least if she had told you that she didn't love you anymore, separated from you, then got with this guy, I'd say she was in every right to do it. But she just lied straight up in your face while saying "I could never do that to you"!!!! Then she went ahead and did it!!!! She doesn't deserve you. - She does not like sharing her feelings, but I've gotten her to confess that she misses being with him. She says as a friend, not has a man, but I know she still has deeper feelings for him. I want to try to understand what she feels, is there any woman who has lived the same and may try to explain me what's going on in her head? I'm not a woman, but it seems obvious that she's got feelings for him. Maybe she is legitimately falling in love with him. Falling in and out of love is not a choice we just make. It just happens. It seems like she's fallen out of love with you and she's fallen in love with this guy. I'm sorry. - They see each other every day (still working together) and she still has feelings for him. Is it just me or this combination is a time bomb? Will she be able to handle the situation? what is the probability of having a relapse? Should she look for another job? If she loved you, she wouldn't have started all this to begin with. Her finding another job or not is not relevant. If she does stay, it'll probably happen again. She has feelings for him. - She told me that she was in love with him or she thought she was, but now says she's not and loves me. Can she change the way she feels, in a day? She lied to you before (remember "I could never do that to you"). What's to say this is not a lie again???? Don't trust her my man!!!!! - Having said so many lies, can she stop? Is there a reason for me to start trusting her? No. - After 4 weeks I still ask her questions. She does not like it, but has answers everything honestly (even told me the details about the sex). I want to know it all and still have so many questions, is this normal? Again, how do you know everything she says is the truth??? You don't. It seems, from what I read, that she doesn't love you. It seems like it's just guilt from her part, not love. - I feel that she is not trying hard enough or at least not as much as I need. Is it possible that I want too much? If you have to "try hard enough", the marriage isn't going to work. She has to want to willingly be with you not by "obligation" but because she wants to be with you. Obviously she already broke that. It seems like she's not in love with you anymore. - Would it be better to separate myself from her, suffering all at once but being free to find another woman that makes me happy? YES!!!!! This is the best option for BOTH OF YOU!!!! Go find a woman that can love you back not because of "obligation", but because she loves you!!!!! Be free!!! Find love. This woman doesn't deserve you. Respect her. Don't be aggressive towards her or hold hard grudges. Let her go and find another!!!! Be mature about it. You go and find a woman that will love you back!!! It'll even be better for her. Maybe she can find someone she's in love with too. Maybe she's in love with this other guy for real and they can get together and be happy, while you can leave and find a new woman to be happy with!!!! Very briefly, we finally reached an understanding and against what I have always thought (my daughters had a lot of weight in this decision), I decided to try to live with the situation and stay with her. - Having my daughters 3, 4 and 5 years, would they suffer with the separation? I know there are plenty of conservative folks here who'll tell you that you MUST stay together for "the sake of the children". But I disagree. Here is the reality: You are still the father of the children whether their mother is your love, or some other woman is. Same goes for your wife. She's still the mother of the children whether she's your wife or not. Leaving your wife does not mean you're leaving your children. If you love your children, you'll be a good father to them regardless of the situation between you and your current wife. My parents divorced, and it made life 100% better because when my parents separated, they both became happy, and they were both better parents to me in the long run. Sure my father didn't live with us, but I saw him everyday. He was always there. My mother found love elsewhere and I was VERY happy for her. My father found himself a good woman. I was just as happy for him. Your children will be happier if YOU ARE HAPPY. You'll never be happy with a cheating woman. I'll assure it. You may just find happiness with a new woman. It may help your self-esteem, and if you are happy and without problems, then you'll project a better vibe towards your children. If your children ask why you and mommy are separating, just assure them that it's not their fault, and that it's because you and "mommy" were not meant to be together, but no matter what, you'll always be their daddy and be there for them. Don't talk bad about their mother to them. Always teach them to love their mother. Take the high road. But find a woman that will love you. - I am still very unhappy and hurt, I constantly ask myself: "How could she do this to me?". Does this has a solution? When does it start to hurt less? It will always be there. It's not worth suffering over. Leave her and find a woman that will make you happy. It's hard. It hurts. - I choose to live with this, but I cannot forgive. Should I be able to forgive? Take the high road and forgive.....but never forget. Leave her and find happiness elsewhere. It's not easy, but if you put your mind to it, you'll be able to do it!!! You will be able to find another woman. Believe in yourself. - Would I ever be able to trust her (or any other woman)? In my opinion, you should not trust your wife again in this topic. If you look, you could find another woman who you can trust. You just have to go out and look. But leave your wife first. Have some self-esteem. Good luck!!!!!!
y2k Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 ^^^^To make that whole post shorter: Leave her, divorce her, and find happiness with another woman who you will love, and will love you back. Good luck!!!!!
John Michael Kane Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Dude you need to divorce this unremorseful woman. She cheated on you and continues to, while substantially disrespecting you and the marriage. Not to mention she also put your dick at risk for being ate up by some nasty disease. Don't waste your money on some biased "counseling" with a wife who only cares about herself and the guy she's still screwing. And to give you a heads up, what she feels is not love for the punk, it's just infatuation so don't even believe all of that disrespectful romanticized bull crap she's speaking. Throw her out if she wants to keep slutting around with her coworker. File for divorce to protect yourself because you are going to go on a wild ride. Very soon this woman will try to manipulate you and play with your head. You gotta remember that she's a changed woman, and that she will never be the same woman you thought she was ever again.
y2k Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Don't waste your money on some biased "counseling" with a wife who only cares about herself and the guy she's still screwing. I agree. I never understood why when married couples cheat on each other, people in this board say "go to counseling". It's ridiculous. When someone cheats, the love and marriage is over. The person cheated on should leave the cheater and find happiness elsewhere. You can't "council" attraction and love and cheating. You can council other things, but not this. And to give you a heads up, what she feels is not love for the punk, it's just infatuation so don't even believe all of that disrespectful romanticized bull crap she's speaking. Even though you're probably right, we don't know that for sure. Maybe she is in love with the other guy. Maybe not. But the only thing we CAN conclude from all this, is that she is not longer in love with her husband, grumbler.
TMCM Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 grumbler, As I said before, get some professional counseling for YOURSELF so that you can heal emotionally. It is important that you do not allow the ordeal of her betrayal to change you into an angry and bitter man. No matter what happens to the marriage, you will still have to interact with WW in a constructive way to co-parent your children for many years to come. Your emotional wellbeing is crucial to your daughters wellbeing. Your WW should also get some professional counseling as well because even if you divorce her, if she does not address and resolve her issues, she will continue down the road of destructive relationships that will not only affect her but your children as well. As I said before, no matter what the outcome of your marriage, you will make it. Count on it.
John Michael Kane Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Even though you're probably right, we don't know that for sure. We do know for sure. You can't create love from deception. Maybe she is in love with the other guy. Maybe not. She's not. But the only thing we CAN conclude from all this, is that she is not longer in love with her husband, grumbler. Right.
John Michael Kane Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 WOW. At least if she had told you that she didn't love you anymore, separated from you, then got with this guy, I'd say she was in every right to do it. She would still be full of s**t.
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