D day and he drops me

[FieldFlower]

No, keep posting and replying. She will read it and it'll sink in when she is ready to "hear" what you're saying.

 

It is harsh advice but not personal and not an attack nor meant to be read as cruel at all. It's advice that will help her in the long run. In the past, I've had many PM's from OW thanking me for my advice. I can be real harsh at times too, but it's always said with respect..Like you too, JW. Keep posting, don't disappear off her thread.

 

Oh my gosh, no NONE of you who give honest, direct, and sincere advice should EVER stop posting or replying at the risk of seeming harsh. I for one truly appreciate the perspective from everyone, and sometimes the truth is harsh, but it all boils down to principles above personalities. To many of my RL friends sugarcoated my expericence, too many made excuses for his behavor and MINE, and it wasn't until I actually came here and read the bizallion threads that I was able to pull my head out of my arse, and see MY actions, MY mistakes, and how I was not letting MYSELF move on.

 

Armour, I know it may seem harsh, because your feeling very raw right now, but girl, it's not. What JW posted seemed to me like it truly came from the heart, it didn't seem harsh to me, just direct. That is the way I took it, I don't know them so can't be sure, but I wish I had someone spell it out like that before I made a bunch terrible choices. Look at it like this, if you had to reach into a raging fire to retrieve an object, would you do it slowly, or all at once? The only way out is through!!! Also, always remember when one door closes, another one opens. Hang in there, use this time to really think about how bad this sucks, that way you won't go back. If you feel like you need to contact him, or if he contacts you, give yourself just five minutes, and play the tape the whole way through in your head, from start to finish. Do that, each and everytime. Good luck.

 

Bent, I don't think we have ever spoken, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for whatever it is that you are going through right now.

 

ETA: that I can't spell for shnitz.

Edited May 20, 2011 by FieldFlower

[Breezy Trousers]

So, today is day 1 NC. Please root for me. I want to heal. I need to move on.

 

I'm rooting for you! Good advice here. I'm glad you're moving on. Keep in touch.

[TurboGirl]

I am now over 3 months of NC after ending a 2.5 year A. I feel so much happier, so much better about myself and you will too.

 

My xMM was (is) a serial cheater too. I think the wives know and because of status, lifestyle, or family refuse to confront or cause a Dday sometimes. In any event, not YOUR problem. God only knows why you were talking about any other with in public with a "friend", wow you are pretty trusting.

 

Serial cheaters don't change... and it is not about you, not personal, really... sorry not trying to be mean, but with a serial cheater women are interchangable objects just used to ego gratification. When the object presents a problem it is discarded like trash. Of course, the W and family are then top priority.

[Amour7]

I don't have time to reply individually to all the recent posts, but I sincerely thank you for your support. It is so helpful to feel like I'm not alone. I have only confided in a handful of people at a couple of difficult times and given very few details. No one in RL knows much of what has gone on, and right now I just don't feel up to letting it all out. So, this forum is incredibly helpful for me at this time.

 

Well, I am Day 3 NC. I am actually surprised I haven't felt as depressed as I have over him in the past. Whether it was having tried to go NC enough times before or his D day response as the final straw, I am feeling so much better about NC than I have in the past. The only thing is that when the angry moments pass through, I want to send him an email telling him all the ways he hurt me and manipulated me. I don't want him to get off so easy without having to face it. Perhaps his W will make him accountable for how he hurt her, but from his D day communications, it sounded like she was willing to sweep the evidence under the rug. BTW, I am not blaming the BS or denigrating her for operating in denial- denial is a powerful coping/defense mechanism. I sure as h*** have been in denial about a lot of things; it helps people function when the truth might be so painful that it can be crippling. I just selfishly wish she would make his life miserable for awhile! But back to a desire to email xMM: I do know I can't open that door at this time, and maybe one day I'll realize that I don't need to communicate those things to him.

 

I signed up for the Baggage Reclaim site's daily NC emails. Thanks for that suggestion. And thanks for those who shared similar stories and their success at moving on. It's very helpful.

[spice4life]

Good for you on day 3 of NC! Now that he has revealed his true character it should be a lot easier for you to get through to the other side and be glad he is out of your life. He obviously has a problem and is a coward when it comes to dealing with his life. Be glad you are out! Once you get past all of the feelings of greiving him you will be in a much better place and will move on to a life and relationship you truly deserve. Good luck and when you feel the urge to tell him how you feel, vent it all out and save it to draft and do not send. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing you feel because it will only stroke his ego...which is what serial cheaters want in the first place. They are in it for the ego stroke and nothing else. He showed that by blaming you for his dday. If he was so worried about his marriage he should have respected his vows and not cheated in the first place right?

 

Take ownership for your part, learn from it and move on to a life that you deserve. Stay strong and STAY NC. NC = No new hurts.

[Amour7]

I'm balling my eyes out tonight and feeling so angry and hurt, I'm tempted to do something I know I'd regret. I had actually had a pretty decent day, and was so proud of myself because I just set up a service for my phone so that xMM's number is blocked for calls and texts in either direction. I felt good about it. I actually said to myself today, "This isn't so bad. You're stronger than you thought." Well, no, it is bad. I found out that his wife believed his lies and still doesn't know about the affair. I know it shouldn't make me this mad but it does. (I also know I need to stop all 3rd party contact). It just feels so unfair that I'm in so much pain and he gets to go on like nothing happened. I wasted two years of my life believing his lies when I could have been healing from my divorce and moving on. In this moment, I feel hatred toward him. I don't like the feeling at all, but it's what I feel, along with my grief.

 

So I'm posting here so as to not cave into my strong desire to write him a nasty email telling him what a basta*d he is and that I regret every single moment of our relationship, and how I blame myself, but I blame him more for taking advantage of me when I was at the lowest time in my life (now this one rivals that). I also want to write his wife a letter apologizing, but I know what is motivating that thought is more than my desire to apologize but rather a desire for some kind of revenge on him. I know I sound awful, but I just need to be real with this dark place I am in right now. I don't feel an ounce of love toward him anymore; in fact, I can't believe I loved that m-effer.

 

I guess I need some convincing that upholding NC is better than writing an angry communication to xMM. And I know people are split on contacting the BS, but in this situation, since she had some evidence presented to her already, it wouldn't be fair of me to contact her, right, especially considering my vengeful motivation? I mean, why force her to confront the truth if she is content with her situation and perhaps even making a choice not to know?

 

Finally, I just want to say that this angry, hate-filled person I am tonight, I'm kind of scared by these feelings. I'm already cringing at the thought of reading this post at a later date. It isn't like me at all (but nor was being an OW, for that matter). I could never stay angry at MM or anyone else for that matter, but obviously that has not served me well, either. I don't know whether to hope this will pass quickly or to be grateful the anger washes away all of the positive feelings I used to have for him.

[Emme]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:

 

Leave them alone.. Say it with me. If your angry get up and punch something or throw something you have of his across the room. I'm going to be honest with you sometimes I read peoples post and I can just see the devil smiling and grinning. If you are religious take out your bible and pray. That anger is eating you up inside and ready to destroy you. Don't hate... be sad and angry. You are harming only yourself. Cry let it out. Yell let it out. Don't hold onto them. They are no longer a part of your life. I'm so sad right now for you. For all of us who are hurting on either sides. Keep that chin up and smile.

[whichwayisup]

Vent it out here. Write the OM hand written letter, for theraputic reasons only, do NOT send them to him. Write out what you want to say to him on here and let everybody respond to help you stay on the NC path.

 

Be angry, feel hurt, but remember, turn some of this on to yourself because he didn't lead you on completely or fool you...You know where I'm going with this, so I'll shut up on that..

 

The best revenge? Silence. do not engage in ANY conversations, email, texts, etc. Let him stew in it and wonder.

 

His wife, his marriage now aren't your business and how they react and handle this is out of your hands. If you get involved all that does is give him more proof in her eyes that you are the nutty one, chasing and bothering him.

 

Don't let ego and pride take over. Silence says alot more than words.

[Amour7]

:bunny:HUG:bunny:

 

Leave them alone.. Say it with me. If your angry get up and punch something or throw something you have of his across the room. I'm going to be honest with you sometimes I read peoples post and I can just see the devil smiling and grinning. If you are religious take out your bible and pray. That anger is eating you up inside and ready to destroy you. Don't hate... be sad and angry. You are harming only yourself. Cry let it out. Yell let it out. Don't hold onto them. They are no longer a part of your life. I'm so sad right now for you. For all of us who are hurting on either sides. Keep that chin up and smile.

 

Thanks, Emme. I think just getting the words out were helpful. I hesitated about posting because of how terrible the anger/ hate sounds, but I know it's more important that I release some of this than hold onto it.

[Amour7]

Vent it out here. Write the OM hand written letter, for theraputic reasons only, do NOT send them to him. Write out what you want to say to him on here and let everybody respond to help you stay on the NC path.

 

Be angry, feel hurt, but remember, turn some of this on to yourself because he didn't lead you on completely or fool you...You know where I'm going with this, so I'll shut up on that..

 

The best revenge? Silence. do not engage in ANY conversations, email, texts, etc. Let him stew in it and wonder.

 

His wife, his marriage now aren't your business and how they react and handle this is out of your hands. If you get involved all that does is give him more proof in her eyes that you are the nutty one, chasing and bothering him.

 

Don't let ego and pride take over. Silence says alot more than words.

 

Thanks. This sounds like good advice. The urges are subsiding...

[Emme]

Thanks, Emme. I think just getting the words out were helpful. I hesitated about posting because of how terrible the anger/ hate sounds, but I know it's more important that I release some of this than hold onto it.

 

I hate seeing the rage. I know the feeling but I try to push it up and out away from me as far as possible. If WWIU tips about writing will help, go ahead. But just vent. DO NOT get in these peoples lives. Leave them be.

 

Blast some music and release the anger

[Wandaland]

I know people are split on contacting the BS, but in this situation, since she had some evidence presented to her already, it wouldn't be fair of me to contact her, right, especially considering my vengeful motivation? I mean, why force her to confront the truth if she is content with her situation and perhaps even making a choice not to know?

 

You call that evidence? A colleague telling her "oh I overheard a woman saying she's having an affair with your husband, she didn't exactly say it was him, but I'm sure it was him." is not a strong evidence. BS would probably think it's a rumor or a misunderstanding, so it's understandable that she would dismiss it, especially when her husband is trying his best to convince her that it isn't true. I honestly think you should confront her and tell her everything about it. It might even make yourself feel better for doing the right thing. After all, you did disrespect her by screwing with her husband. The woman deserves to know the truth. You don't know if she's being "in denial" or if she's making a choice not to know, so please stop making up excuses. Just tell her. If I were you, I wouldn't forgive myself if I let BS spend the rest of her life not knowing what a lying, deceitful, selfish jerk her husband is. Why? Because I care about other people. And that disgusting man deserves to be put in his place!

[seren]

Hi Amour7, hope NC is still going as well as it should. Hope you don't mind a BS take on telling after a D Day. It didn't apply in my sit as H told me about the A, afterwards, the OW rang a number of times and sent copies of e mails etc. To be honest, had she told me and sent me those things during the A it would have had more of an impact than afterwards. To do it after would appear to me to be someone who was hell bent on revenge and H and I would circle the horses around our marriage and our reconciliation.

 

I see a number of threads where the OP thinks about revealing all after D Day and it just looks like sour grapes and not any attempt to put things right (not that they can be). If the BS needs answers, then she will contact you, if not, it might be safe to assume she just doesn't want or need any additional input from you. if he is telling her it was nothing, be assured she won't really believe that and she will be asking him for answers, we BS aren't usually living in denial.

 

I had all sorts of revenge thoughts after D Day, wrote a number of letters to her, her husband and the world in general and then burnt them. I so understand feeling like everyone else is getting along with life and you are the one left with hurt. Believe me, this is so not how things usually are, I imagine the BS is in a whole world of hurt and feeling lost too.

 

Write it all then destroy it, if she asks, answer, but please try to be kind. Finding out your H has lied and been unfaithful is so dammed hurtful and puts your world in turmoil for a long while. I hope you are able to see this through and come out the other side feeling healed.