D day and he drops me

[Amour7]

Some of you know my story. I have been on and off with my MM for 2.5 years. I haven't posted since I posted about being NC/LC and fearing an upcoming work encounter. Well, the close contact was too much, and we were back on... Again with him claiming to want to end his M but needing time. Against all better judgment I got sucked back in. I didn't post anything because I knew it was dumb and I couldn't justify it.

 

Well, twisted turn of events and his BS learns some info from a colleague that would be hard for him to deny. I was overheard in public confiding in a friend, and although I didn't say much to identify him, it was enough for someone who knows the BS to catch on. He is angry at me for my "indiscretion" and is trying to deny it to her. So he sent me an email ending our R. He is essentially blaming me.

 

I feel guilty about the pain the BS may be going through, but honestly, I am kind of glad she has some evidence to do with as she pleases. There have been near D days in the past (with me and an OW before me) but he has been skillful enough at lying and she has perhaps preferred remaining in denial. If she is open to knowing the truth, this should do it. She deserves to know and make a decision. I know that might sound hypocritical, but I think better late than later. He is definitely a serial cheater, so the only chances of salvaging the M are probably if he admits his failings.

 

As for me, I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I still feel incredibly hurt, betrayed (ironic, I know) and rejected. While I never completely believed he would leave his M, I did believe him when he said he never wanted me out of his life. Now I know that was a lie, too.

 

In spite of how low I feel, I do know this is for the best. I wouldn't want him if he came back to me next week or next month. I'll hold off on saying "never" because I do believe people can change, although he would require intensive sex addiction therapy! Being in this A has damaged me, and I never want to give over my power again. Especially not to someone untrustworthy. While I didn't "win" him, I know his BS is a "loser" in this, too. It isn't fair to not be able to trust someone you love.

 

 

I finally, definitively WANT to be in NC. I have already set up my email filter and am investigating blocking his number. So, today is day 1 NC. Please root for me. I want to heal. I need to move on.

[whichwayisup]

You are really ready to do NC and stick to it this time. You can do this! But, anytime you're feeling weak and wanting to contact him or hope he contacts you, post here.

 

Make it impossible for him to contact you! If need be, create a new email account and delete your other one.

 

If his wife contacts you, tell her the truth, answer what she needs to know. Let her know the A is over and that you want nothing to do with him.

[jwi71]

Some of you know my story.

 

I remember you as well.

 

I have been on and off with my MM for 2.5 years. I haven't posted since I posted about being NC/LC and fearing an upcoming work encounter. Well, the close contact was too much, and we were back on... Again with him claiming to want to end his M but needing time. Against all better judgment I got sucked back in. I didn't post anything because I knew it was dumb and I couldn't justify it.

 

You didn't get "sucked back in". You went in with eyes wide open - don't try and minimize this - OWN IT.

 

One thing I like to use as a criteria for my actions - if I am hiding it from anyone for any reason, its a red flag - <something> is "wrong". Actions should be carried in full sight and view of every one.

 

Well, twisted turn of events and his BS learns some info from a colleague that would be hard for him to deny. I was overheard in public confiding in a friend, and although I didn't say much to identify him, it was enough for someone who knows the BS to catch on. He is angry at me for my "indiscretion" and is trying to deny it to her. So he sent me an email ending our R. He is essentially blaming me

.

 

Getting thrown under the bus is par for the course. Here is a direct action (vs lack of action in getting a D) of YOUR place in HIS life. Its also a VERY overt demonstration of what he wants - he WANTS to be married to his W. This action can say nothing else.

 

And now you will have fallout at work. Will you suffer more than reputation damage and some snickers at work? Are you in danger in getting fired? What steps can you take to protect your job?

 

I feel guilty about the pain the BS may be going through, but honestly, I am kind of glad she has some evidence to do with as she pleases

 

I doubt it. If you believed this YOU would notify the BS. You have had YEARS to do so yet failed to act.

 

Why not go all the way, call the BS and give her the WHOLE truth? You won't because that is hard, hard thing to do. Being the OW means you can only "win" at the BS' expense - its a simple zero-sum equation.

 

Now, having said that, and I'm NOT trying to provoke an angry reaction but rather get you to FACE YOURSELF. Look into those dark places in your heart and see ugly - its in all of us (me included).

 

What will you do if his W calls you? Will you take the opportunity to "set the record straight"? Or deny her what you say she deserves?

 

There have been near D days in the past (with me and an OW before me) but he has been skillful enough at lying and she has perhaps preferred remaining in denial.

 

What kept YOU in this? Likely, its the same emotions that kept his W there - along with being fed a steady of lies and deceit. Stop blaming others or insinuating its HER fault (being in denial) for this. OWN IT.

 

Yeah, your MM isn't owning it either but really, you KNOW he is a lying cheat. Did you expect him to suddenly discover truth, honesty and integrity now?

 

If she is open to knowing the truth, this should do it. She deserves to know and make a decision

 

If she is open? Seriously, here you go again at assigning HER blame and denigrating the W. Why? Because she was lied to and deceived like you? Can I not (and I already have) say the same about YOU?

 

We do agree that she deserves to know the truth. Yet I do not know it - but you do. Whats stopping YOU from giving her what you say she deserves to know? Or do you expect HIM to be honest?

 

As for me, I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I still feel incredibly hurt, betrayed (ironic, I know) and rejected.

 

Why? What was the writing on the wall for you? And why didn't YOU listen to that nagging little voice?

 

I can (and did) go back and review your history and I can see it. But, it may be more beneficial if YOU go back and look, and hard, at the red flags you ignored. Use this as a growth opportunity.

 

And, yes, I am SORRY you are going through this. But DO know that he is NOT REJECTING YOU. This has NOTHING to do with you, who you are, your value to society, your value as a woman. Its all about him. Always was, always is and always will be. You are, in his mind, a salve to whatever is missing and broken in him. Do NOT derive self-worth from HIM (or anyone - it comes from within - which is why I am, not so delicately at times I admit, wanting you to look within yourself and challenging YOU).

 

While I never completely believed he would leave his M, I did believe him when he said he never wanted me out of his life. Now I know that was a lie, too.

 

Actually, this is likely true. You were a complacent salve for him. Made the days and weeks and months and years easier (for him). He likely didn't want you out of his life - of course, he didn't want to lose his W either.

 

Please remember, its not about YOU or even the W really, its about HIM. In short, he used you - preyed upon you to suit HIS needs.

 

In spite of how low I feel, I do know this is for the best.

 

Very true even if you don;t feel this in your heart now.

Come back here in one year and read this thread...and THEN you will know it.

 

I wouldn't want him if he came back to me next week or next month. I'll hold off on saying "never" because I do believe people can change, although he would require intensive sex addiction therapy!

 

Oh no hun, he is irrevocably broken. If you want a future with him, do NOT expect fidelity. Expect to be treated as, well, now. Are you sure you want this for the rest of your life?

 

Being in this A has damaged me, and I never want to give over my power again. Especially not to someone untrustworthy. While I didn't "win" him, I know his BS is a "loser" in this, too. It isn't fair to not be able to trust someone you love.

 

Which is why you go NC...and this likely means you will be looking for a job. And if having an A at the office is taboo, you may have no choice in the matter.

 

I finally, definitively WANT to be in NC. I have already set up my email filter and am investigating blocking his number. So, today is day 1 NC. Please root for me. I want to heal. I need to move on.

 

I think I speak for everyone here, we are. But rooting for you doesn't mean I (speaking for myself here) will give you a free pass on your actions and choices.

 

You cannot go NC with him and work with him - its impossible.

 

And bravo on the email filter. And block his numbers. And, I suggest you get proactive and contact his W. Will it be hard? Oh hell yeah it will. Will it pleasant for you? Oh hell no it won't.

 

But it will give you something you need: in the future you can look back and know you did 1) the right thing 2) killed ANY chance that dirt bag comes back again to you and lastly 3) get it off your chest.

 

Number three won't make much sense now...in time it will though. Guilt is a heavy burden to bear...telling, giving the W the info you have that SHE needs will go a long way to alleviating it (down the road).

[fooled once]

I am sorry you are hurting.

 

I hope for your sake you are done.

 

I also agree with a lot of what jwl posted.

 

Good luck and stay strong!

[Rose1977]

What's done is done. My guess would be that in a year you will look back and be glad this happened, painful as it was, so you could move on with your life.

 

It hurts - any breakup hurts. But you can do NC, and I hope you stick with it now that you know how disposable you are in his world (I swear I don't mean that to sound cruel at all).

 

Block him - block everything you can. Focus on you. Go out with friends, go to the gym, do all the normal stuff us girls do after breakups.

 

What's happened has happened. The only thing you can do is move forward and make sure it doesn't happen to you again.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. But I really do think eventually you will be grateful this didn't go on for more years leading only to hurt.

[whichwayisup]

Harsh but a very good reply JW.

 

 

I say don't talk to the W. Her beef is with her H and it won't help you, but probably end up hurting you even more in the end.

 

Go NC with both.

 

It will help her if she feels guilt and it'll bring her peace to move on. I'm not saying call exMM's wife, but if his wife calls her, wants to ask questions, she should listen and answer.

[Amour7]

You are really ready to do NC and stick to it this time. You can do this! But, anytime you're feeling weak and wanting to contact him or hope he contacts you, post here.

 

Make it impossible for him to contact you! If need be, create a new email account and delete your other one.

 

If his wife contacts you, tell her the truth, answer what she needs to know. Let her know the A is over and that you want nothing to do with him.

Thank you, which way. I appreciate your vote of confidence. I really doubt she will contact me, but if so, I will seek guidance. I know she deserves dignity.

 

 

What's done is done. My guess would be that in a year you will look back and be glad this happened, painful as it was, so you could move on with your life.

 

It hurts - any breakup hurts. But you can do NC, and I hope you stick with it now that you know how disposable you are in his world (I swear I don't mean that to sound cruel at all).

 

Block him - block everything you can. Focus on you. Go out with friends, go to the gym, do all the normal stuff us girls do after breakups.

 

What's happened has happened. The only thing you can do is move forward and make sure it doesn't happen to you again.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. But I really do think eventually you will be grateful this didn't go on for more years leading only to hurt.

 

Thank you, too, Rose. Yes, I am hurting, and I will try to focus on me. I already have a "to do" list for the weekend that will keep me busy with people and activities till I am ready to drop. One of the many hard things about ending an A is very few people in my life knew about him in the first place. It's tough to confess that while dealing with fresh pain and risking judgment. One of the posters already gave a dose of judgment. I won't say I don't deserve it, but I will say that the first day of dealing with a D day and beginning NC is excruciating already. Before anyone jumps in to tell me that my pain doesn't compare to the BS's, I'd ask that you try instead ton say something that might help me move forward, not make me feel "ugly." I already feel pretty bad about myself. I think low self-esteem is what keeps people in affairs- not what compels them to move on.

[whichwayisup]

When the sting is less, come back and read JW's reply when you're ready to.

 

Sometimes things hit a certain way, and can be taken in more objectively when the timing is better.

[Heather1]

Some of you know my story. I have been on and off with my MM for 2.5 years. I haven't posted since I posted about being NC/LC and fearing an upcoming work encounter. Well, the close contact was too much, and we were back on... Again with him claiming to want to end his M but needing time. Against all better judgment I got sucked back in. I didn't post anything because I knew it was dumb and I couldn't justify it.

 

Well, twisted turn of events and his BS learns some info from a colleague that would be hard for him to deny. I was overheard in public confiding in a friend, and although I didn't say much to identify him, it was enough for someone who knows the BS to catch on. He is angry at me for my "indiscretion" and is trying to deny it to her. So he sent me an email ending our R. He is essentially blaming me.

 

I feel guilty about the pain the BS may be going through, but honestly, I am kind of glad she has some evidence to do with as she pleases. There have been near D days in the past (with me and an OW before me) but he has been skillful enough at lying and she has perhaps preferred remaining in denial. If she is open to knowing the truth, this should do it. She deserves to know and make a decision. I know that might sound hypocritical, but I think better late than later. He is definitely a serial cheater, so the only chances of salvaging the M are probably if he admits his failings.

 

As for me, I should have seen the writing on the wall, but I still feel incredibly hurt, betrayed (ironic, I know) and rejected. While I never completely believed he would leave his M, I did believe him when he said he never wanted me out of his life. Now I know that was a lie, too.

 

In spite of how low I feel, I do know this is for the best. I wouldn't want him if he came back to me next week or next month. I'll hold off on saying "never" because I do believe people can change, although he would require intensive sex addiction therapy! Being in this A has damaged me, and I never want to give over my power again. Especially not to someone untrustworthy. While I didn't "win" him, I know his BS is a "loser" in this, too. It isn't fair to not be able to trust someone you love.

 

 

I finally, definitively WANT to be in NC. I have already set up my email filter and am investigating blocking his number. So, today is day 1 NC. Please root for me. I want to heal. I need to move on.

 

You sound good....I didn't have a Dday, but it's been a few months of NC & I feel really good. It was rough a few times, but all in all I stayed really busy, went on some mini vacations, write a lot (so much that I'm actually sick about writing about him) & just made sure I ate pretty well & exercised. Whenever I get down, I just have to think for a minute where I am & it's usually in bed being depressed. Pick myself up & try to do something besides that to stay busy. Chat w/ friends that don't know him (so can't talk about him), listen to others.

 

You'll be fine. I used to wonder about his W & now I feel bad for her that I can walk away, and she can't. It'll take some time to be calm about this though, just be good to yourself.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

That "evidence" is enough to make her insecure and him turn on the charm. It hurts more than it helps. Good luck with NC. I'm rooting for you. Think it's time for you to exit... Stage left.

[26pointblue]

Hi Amour. I'm sorry for this painful experience. I know too well the feeling of sadness yet relief that comes from having this kind of revelation. I think you sound strong & centered, & you will get through this even though it may be hard. I guarantee you he will be back fishing once he can go back under the radar. So just focus on you & prepare for fighting against that somehow so you can break this awful cycle & never have to be here again. Hugs girl, stay strong.

[26pointblue]

Yur outing yurself. Was the wicked witch of the west a Green Eyed Lady?

 

What?

 

 

I'm so confused.

[Amour7]

You sound good....I didn't have a Dday, but it's been a few months of NC & I feel really good. It was rough a few times, but all in all I stayed really busy, went on some mini vacations, write a lot (so much that I'm actually sick about writing about him) & just made sure I ate pretty well & exercised. Whenever I get down, I just have to think for a minute where I am & it's usually in bed being depressed. Pick myself up & try to do something besides that to stay busy. Chat w/ friends that don't know him (so can't talk about him), listen to others.

 

You'll be fine. I used to wonder about his W & now I feel bad for her that I can walk away, and she can't. It'll take some time to be calm about this though, just be good to yourself.

Thanks, Heather, and I am heartened to hear from you that it gets better. I am thinking writing might help. I have avoided processing some difficult thoughts and feelings. I know I will need to in order to come out of this in a better place.

That "evidence" is enough to make her insecure and him turn on the charm. It hurts more than it helps. Good luck with NC. I'm rooting for you. Think it's time for you to exit... Stage left.

Thanks for the encouragement. It is absolutely past time to exit.

Hi Amour. I'm sorry for this painful experience. I know too well the feeling of sadness yet relief that comes from having this kind of revelation. I think you sound strong & centered, & you will get through this even though it may be hard. I guarantee you he will be back fishing once he can go back under the radar. So just focus on you & prepare for fighting against that somehow so you can break this awful cycle & never have to be here again. Hugs girl, stay strong.

 

Thanks, 26. I've told you before you have been inspiring to me. It helps to have you in my corner.

[Emme]

This is the new chapter of your life. He will always be in your memories for now but in time it will pass. You have to mean what you say. I don't know the back story but no more weak in the knees for this man. He want's his wife... let him have her. He is now her issue alone. I'm sorry you are dealing with this pain right now. I know everyone is but just stay away. :bunny:HUG:bunny: ... sorry honey.

[Amour7]

When the sting is less, come back and read JW's reply when you're ready to.

 

Sometimes things hit a certain way, and can be taken in more objectively when the timing is better.

 

Ok, I will do as you advise. I really do want to learn more about myself and come out of this a better person. I already saw a bit of wisdom in JW's reply. Yet I would never point someone to look at themselves as "ugly" when they are hurting. Many of us don't need help feeling guilty. Many of us feel shame. Guilt can cause people to change their actions, yes, so it can be helpful. But too much of it leads to shame which often leads people to spiral further downward.

[bentnotbroken]

Ok, I will do as you advise. I really do want to learn more about myself and come out of this a better person. I already saw a bit of wisdom in JW's reply. Yet I would never point someone to look at themselves as "ugly" when they are hurting. Many of us don't need help feeling guilty. Many of us feel shame. Guilt can cause people to change their actions, yes, so it can be helpful. But too much of it leads to shame which often leads people to spiral further downward.

 

 

So does doubt and gas lighting when being lied to. I sat back and read this thread because I thought....well I am going to get the "bitter" sticker again and honestly....I am not in the mood, illness and death tends to do that to you. But what most of these posts seem to be supporting you and you don't even see it. They don't want you to turn away from anything, less you find yourself here again. Ignoring what is in front of you is not only detrimental to one's health(emotionally and physically), it will lead you in the same lame azz circle. We cannot change what we refuse to face. That is why you got the response you did from JW.

[Amour7]

So does doubt and gas lighting when being lied to. I sat back and read this thread because I thought....well I am going to get the "bitter" sticker again and honestly....I am not in the mood, illness and death tends to do that to you. But what most of these posts seem to be supporting you and you don't even see it. They don't want you to turn away from anything, less you find yourself here again. Ignoring what is in front of you is not only detrimental to one's health(emotionally and physically), it will lead you in the same lame azz circle. We cannot change what we refuse to face. That is why you got the response you did from JW.

 

Thanks for trying not to be bitter (and sorry for whatever illness and death you are dealing with.) I agree with what is in bold.

 

I wonder what gives the impression that I don't recognize the support of other posters. I do and am grateful.

[BB07]

Ha. Read her alters back posts. Her stand on this is firm. It's one of the many things that gave her away. One of several here.

 

Kinda ironic that you being an alter are pointing out someone else's alter. :lmao:

 

This place cracks me up sometimes.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for trying not to be bitter (and sorry for whatever illness and death you are dealing with.) I agree with what is in bold.

 

I wonder what gives the impression that I don't recognize the support of other posters. I do and am grateful.

 

 

:DNot bitter at all. And haven't been in some time. But I seem to get slapped with that label a lot:rolleyes:. The thing that caught my attention is the phrase I bolded. No one is trying to make you feel guilty, they aren't trying to help you spiral downward. They are just saying...face everything, own everything(that is yours only) and then those actions loose their power. They facing fear is a powerful healer.

[Heather1]

It's not easy, that's for sure. It's still a loss & you're going to need to grieve & need support.

 

I gave myself a "project" of improving my self esteem & getting through this by reading LOTS of self help books & some workbooks. I have the filter too, and it helps because the emails don't go to my phone...he hasn't sent any. Well, I told him to go to hell, so I don't really expect any either. Still, I'm trying to get strong enough so that if I hear from him, I don't even respond.

 

There's a baggage reclaim site (google it) that sends you daily NC emails that help. Most of the sites on NC is using it as a tool to manipulate. The baggage reclaim site supports that there's no salvaging this R & helps you move on.

 

I don't care if it's an A or not, it's still a loss & I'm sorry.

[seren]

I too hope that in a year you are in a better place and can look back at what has happened as a learning experience, however, I imagine at the moment you have a lot of WTF feelings and a lot of not understanding how he could do that to you. Hurt is hurt, rejection hurts no matter who we are in the A triangle. The best thing I took on board from LS after H's A was that it wasn't anything to do with me, it was all about H, his failings, his actions, his needs. I hope you can take that on board and while you should own your role in the A, you should also place the blame for the lies and false expectations on the MM.

 

I echo the if the BS rings to be honest, the OW spoke to me after D Day and I think it helped us both to realise that we weren't all bad, that we were just two women believing and loving the same man. The mechanics don't matter here, what does is that you learn from it, understand that who he is on D Day is who he has always been, he just hasn't had to face up to his actions before.

 

Love really shouldn't hurt so much x

[Gentlegirl]

I did exactly what you have and 5 months down the track, i am starting to feel so much better. I actually sleep and night without thinking where he is sleeping or what he might be doing.

 

My work is taking off in a new directiong and my family is back in touch.

 

I would NEVER go back there to that place for anything.

 

I am lonely but it's much preferable to being a convenience.

 

Gentlegirl

 

 

You sound good....I didn't have a Dday, but it's been a few months of NC & I feel really good. It was rough a few times, but all in all I stayed really busy, went on some mini vacations, write a lot (so much that I'm actually sick about writing about him) & just made sure I ate pretty well & exercised. Whenever I get down, I just have to think for a minute where I am & it's usually in bed being depressed. Pick myself up & try to do something besides that to stay busy. Chat w/ friends that don't know him (so can't talk about him), listen to others.

 

You'll be fine. I used to wonder about his W & now I feel bad for her that I can walk away, and she can't. It'll take some time to be calm about this though, just be good to yourself.

[myname]

Amour, I can relate to what you're going through, very similar happened in the affair I was having the weekend before last.

 

It is very upsetting and devastating, and I totally understand you feeling betrayed, whatever the circumstances, whatever you already knew, you believed in someone who turned out to be lying to you and ultimately to let you down.

 

I was very angry at first too, and it helped me to manage to not keep in contact with him, everytime I wanted to I would remember the lies and the hurt I'd felt and it stopped me from wanting to.

 

But the anger doesn't last, and I am finding it very hard. xMM has made contact with me a few times, emails and a text, and a bit of me has liked that he has contacted me because I wanted to feel that he cared for me, but the actual messages themselves have not helped me in moving forward and I am slowly trying to convince myself that the short lived comfort I get from hearing anything from him is not worth it.

 

I wish I was further along the road of NC, but I have to remember that I could've been if I'd stuck to it all the times before, and that the only way I will be in the future is if I stick to it now.

 

All the best, hope you can get through the days and stay strong.

[jwi71]

. Yet I would never point someone to look at themselves as "ugly" when they are hurting. Many of us don't need help feeling guilty. Many of us feel shame. Guilt can cause people to change their actions, yes, so it can be helpful. But too much of it leads to shame which often leads people to spiral further downward.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I doubt you believe that - and I don;t blame you in that in the slightest - but it is true.

 

I don't pull many punches but don;t go thinking i'm NOT on your side.

 

I'm squarely on your side.

 

Just maybe too soon as you have mentioned. And that's on me...I am, I hope, usually better at picking threads and posters who will react positively to a slap upside the head. Sometimes, its what they need.

 

Clearly I misjudged here. I sincerely apologize if I made you feel worse.

 

So I will back out so I don't inadvertently, because of how I post and communicate, cause more harm than good.

 

In time, when you feel stronger, read my post to you again.

 

I hope you do continue to post here, LS helps a great many people - do not let my post scare you off. I will read and follow you as I have - but I will be much more aware of how I might be perceived. I may jump in down the road, when you are out of the crisis stage.

 

Again, I'm sorry my post did more harm than good.

 

JW

[whichwayisup]

So I will back out so I don't inadvertently, because of how I post and communicate, cause more harm than good.

 

No, keep posting and replying. She will read it and it'll sink in when she is ready to "hear" what you're saying.

 

It is harsh advice but not personal and not an attack nor meant to be read as cruel at all. It's advice that will help her in the long run. In the past, I've had many PM's from OW thanking me for my advice. I can be real harsh at times too, but it's always said with respect..Like you too, JW. Keep posting, don't disappear off her thread.