What steps should I take, right now, to make myself more attractive to women?

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Easy enough question, but very hard to answer.

 

Here is what I'm planning to do, in a 5 step program

 

 

1. Work on losing weight, and gaining muscle
   
2. Stay off the computer more often, and try to get over my social anxiety by talking to women and people in general
   
3. Try to downplay the pessimistic attitude I get sometimes, and try to appreciate myself
   
4. Grow a beard. Beards are sexy, Ke$ha says so. And being the artistic type I am, I could probably work a beard. Plus, it would make me look my age instead of like a teenager.
   
5. Try to improve my social skills with women (this is tied into #2, but kind of different.) As in, read self help books, try to make the appropriate amount of eye contact and smiling, smile more instead of glaring, stop focusing on being perfect and settle for being attractive enough, etc.
   

Any more suggestions?

[utterer of lies]

- get a job

- get your own place

[DufenSchmertz]

All those things are fine, but you need to start talking to as many different women as possible right now, and asking them out. Don't wait until you are in better shape, grown a beard, and so forth. Just start talking to women right now. Smile a lot, listen to them, don't argue with them, don't "neg" them (except in a very surgical and playful manner), don't worry about rejection, and always go for some kind of a close--phone number, coffee date, something casual. Always.

 

Women know if they're interested in you almost immediately. So it's O.K. to try to go for a close after even the most brief of conversations.

 

If they say "no," be very pleasant and smile and say O.K., maybe some other time. You may run into the girl again, or she may have a friend.

 

Try to be very sociable by getting involved with your sociable friends who have lots of parties. You want to go to parties because that's the easiest most relaxed place to meet a lot of women under casual circumstances. You can even be the host and start throwing little parties of your own within your budget. Invite people to your place, men and women. Be the social ringleader and get people to go out at night with you in a group.

 

Never get into arguments or feuds with anyone, about anything. Always "let it pass." If you need to take revenge on anyone, do it silently and behind the scenes, without leaving any fingerprints of your retaliation. Always play it cool.

 

Play it cool, or, work on your "inner game" as well as "outer game" which you've got covered in your post. That is, develop an air of self-confidence, or, behave as you would think you'd behave if you were actually self-confident.

 

Meeting women and going out with them and getting a relationship/having sex boils down to a numbers game. You have to be like a salesman who is selling your product which is yourself. You have to go knocking on lots of doors to make a sale. And, don't let rejection bother you. If 9 out of 10 women reject you but you try with 1,000 then you are still a super stud. And really, although you should avoid "oneitis," all you really need is one good one at a time.

 

Also wear nice, clean clothes, get a nice haircut, wear a nice but not overpowering after shave or cologne. And for god sake get lots of new underwear and always wear that on your dates--god forbid you should get lucky and have skid marks down there.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

- get a job

 

Already on the table. I've started applying, and will hopefully have a job within two weeks.

 

- get your own place

 

Not possible, until I get a job and I give up my role as caregiver. Right now, my grandma needs me more than I need a girl. At least girls my own age can make their own lunches.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

All those things are fine, but you need to start talking to as many different women as possible right now, and asking them out. Don't wait until you are in better shape, grown a beard, and so forth. Just start talking to women right now. Smile a lot, listen to them, don't argue with them, don't "neg" them (except in a very surgical and playful manner), don't worry about rejection, and always go for some kind of a close--phone number, coffee date, something casual. Always.

 

Women know if they're interested in you almost immediately. So it's O.K. to try to go for a close after even the most brief of conversations.

 

If they say "no," be very pleasant and smile and say O.K., maybe some other time. You may run into the girl again, or she may have a friend.

 

Try to be very sociable by getting involved with your sociable friends who have lots of parties. You want to go to parties because that's the easiest most relaxed place to meet a lot of women under casual circumstances. You can even be the host and start throwing little parties of your own within your budget. Invite people to your place, men and women. Be the social ringleader and get people to go out at night with you in a group.

 

Never get into arguments or feuds with anyone, about anything. Always "let it pass." If you need to take revenge on anyone, do it silently and behind the scenes, without leaving any fingerprints of your retaliation. Always play it cool.

 

Play it cool, or, work on your "inner game" as well as "outer game" which you've got covered in your post. That is, develop an air of self-confidence, or, behave as you would think you'd behave if you were actually self-confident.

 

Meeting women and going out with them and getting a relationship/having sex boils down to a numbers game. You have to be like a salesman who is selling your product which is yourself. You have to go knocking on lots of doors to make a sale. And, don't let rejection bother you. If 9 out of 10 women reject you but you try with 1,000 then you are still a super stud. And really, although you should avoid "oneitis," all you really need is one good one at a time.

 

Also wear nice, clean clothes, get a nice haircut, wear a nice but not overpowering after shave or cologne. And for god sake get lots of new underwear and always wear that on your dates--god forbid you should get lucky and have skid marks down there.

 

All good advice, thanks!

[cerridwen]

 

Also wear nice, clean clothes, get a nice haircut, wear a nice but not overpowering after shave or cologne. And for god sake get lots of new underwear and always wear that on your dates--god forbid you should get lucky and have skid marks down there.

 

Make sure your hygiene is on point.

 

• Take good care of your teeth. If they're yellow, get some whitening strips. Floss, keep your breath fresh.
  
• Keep your finger and toe nails short and clean.
  
• Don't let your hair get greasy which it's more apt to do since you keep it long.
  
• Trim nose hairs and resist the unibrow.
  

[Els]

 

Not possible, until I get a job and I give up my role as caregiver. Right now, my grandma needs me more than I need a girl. At least girls my own age can make their own lunches.

 

DON'T listen to the posters telling you to dump your relative in need of care just to attract girls.

 

I like the rest of the things you listed, but DON'T do this. Once a girl knows you're living with a relative to take care of THEM and not the other way around, and that it won't necessarily be a permanent arrangement, if she's at all a decent girl she won't mind. Better save some money for the occasional getaway if she doesn't have her own place though.

[SomewhatExperienced]

Try to land a job that would put you in regular contact with women. I worked in a specialty running shoe store for years. It's the kind of place that as staff it would be out job to personally assess the customer and bring out shoes for them to try on based on what we saw. The process would take usually around 20-30 minutes, but it wouldn't be uncommon to spend up to an hour.

 

I served A LOT of attractive, fit, women and because you spend so much personal time with them it's only natural to chat and make conversation. That job probably had the greatest role in making me comfortable talking to women and in boosting my confidence. It also made me good at very subtle flirting (smiles, eye contact, etc...) because you can't explicitly hit on your customers.

[SmileFace]

Love and accept yourself

[cerridwen]

Leaning, do you have a style of dress and is it keeping with the kind of girl you want to attract?

[curlygirl40]

Confidence, confidence, confidence. Fake it til you make it if you must.

 

It's all tied into self esteem so once you do the other things you've mentioned, confidence might be the by-product.

 

And look at all of this time in between as 'practice'. Like others have said, get used to rejection (girls deal with it too), go out and talk to girls. If something doesn't work, then move on. But you'll increase your self esteem in the meantime. And it might be easier if you just look at it as 'practice' and assume nothing will come of it.

 

When you get a job, if you can't move out on your own just now (nice of you to take care of a family member!), put some money away so you can move out on your own later.

 

Oh and maybe learn how to dance! lol I know it might seem silly but many girls love a guy who can dance.

 

Best of luck.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Leaning, do you have a style of dress and is it keeping with the kind of girl you want to attract?

 

I dress very rockstar. Ripped jeans, t shirt, sneakers, etc.

 

I like emo, goth, and rockstar chicks, so that seems to mesh with my style of dress. There's this one girl at the place where my grandma is now, who is goth and has the makeup, and it just turns me on!

 

I also tend to listen to a lot of rock music, so finding someone who had that in common with me would be great. I love hard rock and heavy metal.

[cerridwen]

I dress very rockstar. Ripped jeans, t shirt, sneakers, etc.

 

I like emo, goth, and rockstar chicks, so that seems to mesh with my style of dress. There's this one girl at the place where my grandma is now, who is goth and has the makeup, and it just turns me on!

 

I also tend to listen to a lot of rock music, so finding someone who had that in common with me would be great. I love hard rock and heavy metal.

 

Perfect. You're on the right track.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Perfect. You're on the right track.

 

The funny thing is, I've been hit on by women. And they tend to be "my type", rock star girls who dress in jeans and t shirts, etc. The preppy or conservative girls tend to avoid me.

 

That being said, every. single. time. I have been struggling with anxiety, and have messed it up.

 

I spent three years on ENA, talking about it. I'm not going to bring up my issues again; needless to say, it's not that I can't attract women, but that I can't catch or keep them.

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

What's frustrating is that I was flirted with by a pretty girl, just the other day.

 

Did I do anything about it, beyond casual flirting back? Umm, no.

 

And of course the convo turned uncomfortable, because she showed that she liked me, and I'm too chicken to make a move. Grr!

[fishtaco]

Sounds about right. Excellent suggestions from other posters too.

 

Also you're a musician. That will be a bonus. But it won't be unless your social skills is up to par to take advantage of it. Goth/rock/metal chicks tend to be really into music. That's an advantage you should tap into when you're ready.

 

Sounds to me anxiety is your biggest enemy. Just kick back and chill. Maybe play a mind trick on your own brain - tell yourself to not expect anything. I bet once you have a couple of "accidental successes" under your belt, your anxiety will decrease to the point where they won't be detrimental (everyone have a bit of anxiety and nervousness, that's normal).

[Dust]

What's frustrating is that I was flirted with by a pretty girl, just the other day.

 

Did I do anything about it, beyond casual flirting back? Umm, no.

 

And of course the convo turned uncomfortable, because she showed that she liked me, and I'm too chicken to make a move. Grr!

 

Is this the woman that was engaged or what ever?

 

Look you need to stop trying, stop talking about reading self help or what ever and just make some bold moves. If you make bold moves like asking women out you will be half way there. When you make bold moves on the date you are 100% of the way there. The results don’t matter.

[musemaj11]

Have a good job and have a lot of money.

 

This method has been proven to attract women since the time of Hammurabi.

[Red Arremer]

Have a good job and have a lot of money.

 

This method has been proven to attract women since the time of Hammurabi.

Not necessarily.

 

And even when it does work I'm not sure it will attract the kind of women you really want to attract.

[Red Arremer]

Is this the woman that was engaged or what ever?

 

Look you need to stop trying, stop talking about reading self help or what ever and just make some bold moves. If you make bold moves like asking women out you will be half way there. When you make bold moves on the date you are 100% of the way there. The results don’t matter.

Not to hijack the thread or anything, but I think my problem with stuff like this is that I don't really know what sort of "bold moves" to make, and I would hate to mess that up somehow because the last thing I need right now is to be known as a creep.

[sanskrit]

Some things that haven't been mentioned.

 

Testosterone. Start a diet of lean meats, beans, green vegetables, and sources of zinc in conjunction with regular resistance training (lifting heavy weights, not jogging or aerobics classes). High testosterone will make lots of other things such as confidence and expressing polite sexual interest in women much easier to learn and practice.

 

Masturbation. Stop it or curtail it significantly. Same with porn. If you aren't having a desire to masturbate or look at porn daily, work harder on the testosterone, want it, just don't indulge. You want to put yourself into a "hunter" state, not a "jerked off already twice today" state.

 

Clothing. It fits and looks like something a man, not a child would wear. Luckily, good clothing for men is quite cheap today. Start with solid colors, fit is the operative term. Don't wear billed hats everywhere like every other schmo manchild in the world. Don't wear button down collars, but do wear long sleeved button shirts and sports jackets. Never t-shirts with cute sayings or logos, other than to bed as a joke. Use product in your hair, and if you have bad hair, wear it short. If you have a baby face, experiment with different levels of scruff and facial hair. Wear man shoes, not kid shoes. Athletic shoes are fine for the gym, not out in town trying to meet women. Some women have a weird stigma about lace shoes on men so loafers are preferred to start.

 

Cologne - Always wear it, one good bottle will last you a whole year. Spend at least 30-50 dollars on it (if not more) and ask the salesgirls what smells good on you. Choose darker muskier, sandalwood as opposed to the ubiquitous citrus. If you want to go cheap to start, Old Spice is actually pretty highly rated by women. They have better noses than we do so go sparingly at first.

 

Romance novels - buy and read some. The milieu in the Romance novel is the same as the air you want to create around yourself. Whatever the sexiest most emotionally charged truth of -you- is, figure that out and learn to communicate it.

 

Those should handle some of the externalities and make for a good start.

[Dust]

Not to hijack the thread or anything, but I think my problem with stuff like this is that I don't really know what sort of "bold moves" to make, and I would hate to mess that up somehow because the last thing I need right now is to be known as a creep.

 

 

 

Some things that haven't been mentioned.

 

Testosterone. Start a diet of lean meats, beans, green vegetables, and sources of zinc in conjunction with regular resistance training (lifting heavy weights, not jogging or aerobics classes). High testosterone will make lots of other things such as confidence and expressing polite sexual interest in women much easier to learn and practice.

 

Masturbation. Stop it or curtail it significantly. Same with porn. If you aren't having a desire to masturbate or look at porn daily, work harder on the testosterone, want it, just don't indulge. You want to put yourself into a "hunter" state, not a "jerked off already twice today" state.

 

Clothing. It fits and looks like something a man, not a child would wear. Luckily, good clothing for men is quite cheap today. Start with solid colors, fit is the operative term. Don't wear billed hats everywhere like every other schmo manchild in the world. Don't wear button down collars, but do wear long sleeved button shirts and sports jackets. Never t-shirts with cute sayings or logos, other than to bed as a joke. Use product in your hair, and if you have bad hair, wear it short. If you have a baby face, experiment with different levels of scruff and facial hair. Wear man shoes, not kid shoes. Athletic shoes are fine for the gym, not out in town trying to meet women. Some women have a weird stigma about lace shoes on men so loafers are preferred to start.

 

Cologne - Always wear it, one good bottle will last you a whole year. Spend at least 30-50 dollars on it (if not more) and ask the salesgirls what smells good on you. Choose darker muskier, sandalwood as opposed to the ubiquitous citrus. If you want to go cheap to start, Old Spice is actually pretty highly rated by women. They have better noses than we do so go sparingly at first.

 

Romance novels - buy and read some. The milieu in the Romance novel is the same as the air you want to create around yourself. Whatever the sexiest most emotionally charged truth of -you- is, figure that out and learn to communicate it.

 

Those should handle some of the externalities and make for a good start.

 

I agree with most of what you wrote. I don’t agree with wearing cologne. If you must put a small (very small) dab on your wrist. Then rub the wrists together and then onto your neck.

 

I certainly don’t agree with reading romance novels. Go in natural looking to have fun as opposed to please. When you just try to please you come off fake, and people don’t respect others who try to please them. Go in trying to have fun for yourself and you’ll be genuine. Be yourself, not some romance novel. The only good thing a romance novel will do if you don’t know it already is show you women like a man of action. Not a guy who just tries to be a girlfriend. But don’t read a novel just take my word because your observations should have already shown you that.

[Red Arremer]

Some things that haven't been mentioned.

 

Testosterone. Start a diet of lean meats, beans, green vegetables, and sources of zinc in conjunction with regular resistance training (lifting heavy weights, not jogging or aerobics classes). High testosterone will make lots of other things such as confidence and expressing polite sexual interest in women much easier to learn and practice.

 

Masturbation. Stop it or curtail it significantly. Same with porn. If you aren't having a desire to masturbate or look at porn daily, work harder on the testosterone, want it, just don't indulge. You want to put yourself into a "hunter" state, not a "jerked off already twice today" state.

I honestly don't know how making a person even more sexually frustrated than they already are is going to do anything but make things a whole lot worse for that person, let alone be any kind of help.

 

Romance novels - buy and read some. The milieu in the Romance novel is the same as the air you want to create around yourself. Whatever the sexiest most emotionally charged truth of -you- is, figure that out and learn to communicate it.

lol

[Dust]

I honestly don't know how making a person even more sexually frustrated than they already are is going to do anything but make things a whole lot worse for that person, let alone be any kind of help.

 

 

lol

 

Being horny is an energy that motivates like no other. If you are willing to satisfy that appetite with porn and masturbation you loose a great deal of that energy for real situations.

[sanskrit]

I honestly don't know how making a person even more sexually frustrated than they already are is going to do anything but make things a whole lot worse for that person, let alone be any kind of help.

 

Yes, sexual desire is exactly the same thing as sexual frustration

 

Low testosterone is a very common problem, moreso I suspect in some male posters here. Many men short-circuit their natural healthy sexual desire through too much masturbation and porn. Only OP knows if he is one of those, if he is, he'd be wise to follow my advice.

 

lol

 

Wow, what incisive analysis.

 

Reading Romance Novels is not recommended for the purpose of refashioning oneself as Fabio, or in conjunction with some insincere PUA technique, but to understand the kinds of emotional -language- and cues that women respond to sexually. They buy MILLIONS of these things every year for a reason. You only have to read 2-3 to learn from them, that's a weekend. Every man has a reality, learning the right language to express that reality in to attract women is powerful stuff. Dating is marketing to some extent.