Author lostinilm Posted May 25, 2011 Author Posted May 25, 2011 So the last couple days we have had very, very limited contact, with the exception of "where are the kids going" or "I'm bringing them to you" kind of thing. Today, she asked me if I had something she was looking for over here, turns out I did. So I took it over to her. Prior to doing so, I saw that she had reactivated her facebook account. This was the first time in 48 hours that I had any thoughts in regards to what she was doing, who with, etc. We made the agreement last year to delete our facebooks and not reactivate them as they cause all harm and no good. But I told her a couple weeks ago it would only be a matter of time before she was back on there and she told me I was crazy. Turns out I wasn't. I looked through the friends, saw one that pisses me off, but not enough to make a big deal out of it and tried a different route than the jealousy thing. I laughed, told her I thought it was funny and did the whole "I told you so" thing, in a completely and totally laughing manner, no ill will, no being mean, no surface jealousy. She started crying. I tried to hug her to console her (from what I don't really know) but I was trying to be the good guy. She said she just wasn't feeling good, but I know her better than anyone and that isn't it, she gave a half hearted effort to turn it around on me (like always) but she gave up pretty quickly. Yeah, it pissed me off, but at the same time, I've told myself that it isn't any of my business, so I didn't allow myself to react the way I normally would. Which, I thought, considering my history, was pretty good of me. Something was upsetting her though and it wasn't just "not feeling good." But rather than dig, I walked away. I'm actually at the best point I have been during this whole thing because; A. I know she's talking to guys, there isn't a thing I can do about it and I've accepted that. B. I know she's making old contacts from the past. Again, there isn't a thing I can do about it. C. I'm starting to think she's right, because if she's done all this that quickly (5 weeks separated now) then maybe we don't belong together. I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it, I still say a lot of this was my fault, but I held her on such a pedestal for so long and seeing the way she's handling things now is kinda knocking her off that pedestal for me a little bit...is that wrong? I love her...always will, I know that. She loves me, always will, I know that. But I'm starting to think what everyone (including her) has told me is the best advice. Worry about yourself and your kids and move on with your life. This is the first time in 5 weeks that I've walked away when she was emotional. I ignored a couple of calls/texts from her yesterday. Yeah, I feel that little tinge of jealousy from the things I've seen, but it isn't driving me crazy like it used to...is it possible I'm starting to heal, or is this just a mirage before the next big blow up?
Author lostinilm Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 Well....that's strange....she's on a date tonight after asking me to take the kids because she "wasn't feeling good" that was just a ruse so she could go out with whomever....funny thing is, I normally would be going nuts right now...just irate. I'm not. hmmmm The only thing that makes me a little mad is the 15 times today she called me a liar....sure, I may be....but pot....meet kettle.
Author lostinilm Posted May 26, 2011 Author Posted May 26, 2011 So today I was told that I was a piece of **** for 85% of our marriage and she doesn't think she can ever be nice to me again. Jesus. I so badly wish I could just cut the ****ing strings. At this point, she's not even the person I fell in love with. Her new crowd and bad influences have turned her in to someone else and I told her at the beginning of all this that one of my fears would be that months would go by and she would change her mind and I wouldn't be there. I can tell you for a fact right this very second, that would be the case. She could take it all back, apologize, beg and plead and I'd say no way.
Author lostinilm Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 anyone have any thoughts? if I'm just talking to myself I'll do it in my head ha ha.
imagine Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 Right now focus on improving you and your relationship to your kids. Expose the dating that she is doing but do not deny your own flaws. Save your marriage. Right now she is an alien.
worldgonewrong Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 anyone have any thoughts? if I'm just talking to myself I'll do it in my head ha ha. Keep talking outloud here, please. It helps the rest of us to get some perspective. I appreciate it.
change Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 anyone have any thoughts? if I'm just talking to myself I'll do it in my head ha ha. No, you're not talking to yourself. Reading your thread and others this morning has kept me sane. I may have nothing of use to say in response to your original question, but please keep posting. The open processing is helpful to others on these boards as well.
Author lostinilm Posted May 31, 2011 Author Posted May 31, 2011 She's being nice again, but I think instead of what I was hoping (that she's starting to change her mind) it's actually guilt. She's taking a weekend trip back to our hometown this weekend and I've been told she's meeting someone there. (The person from her affair who lives out of state as well) I actually have no plans to confront her or say anything about it. Is that the right move? Technically it really isn't any of my business, right?
Author lostinilm Posted June 1, 2011 Author Posted June 1, 2011 We talked for a couple hours tonight. I went against everything my therapist said today and just opened up to her. She did the same to me. It was very nice. We joked about the people that have hit on us, I didn't overreact to something she told me (I won't go into details, but let's just say I've had major problems with friends, or at least supposed friends, who end up with a thing for her, one of which has blown me off while sending her graphic pictures) which she thought I was going to do and we picked on each other and shared some laughs. I even told her that if she wanted me back right now, I wouldn't say yes....she called me a liar, but I explained that although I'd want her back, neither of us (but specifically me) are in the place we need to be to jump back into this. Then I did something stupid. I tried to make a move, so to speak, and it messed her up. She went straight home and went to bed. I sent a text just making sure she was ok, but she didn't answer. I sent one more, then drove by her house...I was worried. But she was asleep. Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe she really was just tired, but I don't want to screw anything up any worse than it was, I felt we made some progress tonight and I'd hate to have it ruined because I find her irresistible. I'm not playing any more games, I'm not trying to use reverse psychology or any of that stuff....I'm not going to pursue her, but she made it very clear tonight that she wants me in her life...and I'm not going to screw that up. I love her more than anything and even if I can't have her the exact way I want, I'm not going to let stubbornness keep me from being more than just a co-parent. I just 180'd again and you may say it was the wrong way and I may be back on here tomorrow agreeing with you...but I can't help it...she's everything. I'm not begging, pleading, or doing any of that stuff....I'm not even suggesting any type of reconciliation, but I'm tired of the games we've both been playing and right this second, I feel so much better that our cards are on the table...I just don't feel so good about what I tried....I can't help it, it just felt natural. I love her. I'll never apologize for that. Ever. I'm a realist enough to know that this will probably end up making me hurt worse but I'm also a realist enough that I can't continue to put up the charade that I was.
Author lostinilm Posted June 3, 2011 Author Posted June 3, 2011 well...a couple of days into it and we're still ok. She's out of town with our youngest, but called me a couple times and let me know they were safe. I had a really rough day today with some thoughts that were entering my head and I tried to hold them in, but instead i opened up (after her asking me twenty times what was wrong and not taking "nothing" for an answer) and once I opened up she said she understood and appreciated that I didn't fly off the handle. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far, so good.
Author lostinilm Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 Well, the other shoe dropped....and I'm back where I started two months ago.
imagine Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Sorry I don't understand: either you are married or not. Separation may be good for a short time only but marriage is good until divorce. Are you both liars?
cupcak3 Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Well, the other shoe dropped....and I'm back where I started two months ago. With all due respect, I know you care for your wife, but your actions are actions of obsessiveness, possessiveness and lack of control over her and yourself. Frankly, I think she is more confused than you. As a woman, she knows your behavior is not healthy nor is it something she wants, but your obsessiveness is also something stabling and dependable. And she calls you when she feels insecure.Your jealousy gives her control, which perpetuates your lack of control "over her". Her dangling you is not right. Does that make sense? I think you still care for one another, but I think you both need space to really sort out your feelings. Just remember the adage of "if you love something, let it go" does not equate to loss. You may gain back yourself in the process. I think she will want and love you more when you do. You may also find that you don't want her back as much as you think you do.
Author lostinilm Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 With all due respect, I know you care for your wife, but your actions are actions of obsessiveness, possessiveness and lack of control over her and yourself. . Could you explain why you think this? It isn't the first time I've heard it, but no one has told me why....
skywriter Posted June 5, 2011 Posted June 5, 2011 Could you explain why you think this? It isn't the first time I've heard it, but no one has told me why.... Because you don't trust her enough to let go, she's an adult, she should be able to handle herself. But then she has to give you the same respect. Letting go, does not mean you love her any less. It means you have to love yourself enough to move forward with your life. She's been with you a very long time, plus your children together.
Author lostinilm Posted June 5, 2011 Author Posted June 5, 2011 But I have let her go...relationship wise....
Author lostinilm Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 So....we got into it big time tonight because of some things that were found out (by me) that I was lied to about. Really, why we got into it is irrelevant. She told me to come over if I wanted to talk, so I did. And talk, we did. We said some of the meanest things we've said during this whole process. Then I left briefly to go to the store and came back, she was laying in the bed and we started talking more calmly. She was falling asleep and I leaned over to kiss her goodbye...one thing led to another and the next thing I know, clothes are off. I ask her several times if she's sure (we've had several close calls that we both talked ourselves out of and neither of us were comfortable with) she said yes. So we did what we do for a little bit and then she orgasms...after she does, she starts crying and getting upset. I'm in the heat of the moment (because I haven't yet...and didn't) but I stop and console her. She says it isn't right and keeps crying. She calms down and I tell her not to be upset, but it doesn't help, then I give her the pep talk of all pep talks and although I'm pretty sure it did her some good, I actually listened to what I was saying and it made me feel better about this than I have (I know I keep saying that, but things keep changing, etc...you all know how it goes) and now I'm not upset, no going crazy, I'm just...confused. Shouldn't I feel insulted, upset, scared, etc???? I'm not....absolutely none of the above....what the hell is going on?
worldgonewrong Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Not trying to sound crass here at all: The post-sex endorphins probably helped embolden you to make the pep talk. Plus, you just were in bed with her naked, so of course you don't feel "insult, upset, scared", as that was a great equalizer. See how you feel in a week, when the heady confusion of sex doesn't enter the equation. and p.s. most guys here would KILL for that closeness with their estranged spouse, btw. Enjoy it on any level that you can.
Surfer203 Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 lost: I don't know what to say.. good for you? No good? How do you feel about it?
Author lostinilm Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 I know it probably won't happen again. I don't think, on the surface, either of us want it to. But after everything that was being said, it made me realize she does still have "it" for me. Which, I realize we're not getting back together, but I was getting to the point of wondering if anything were ever real. Honestly, this showed me that we both still have "it" we just, for legitimate reasons, can't be together right now.
Author lostinilm Posted June 7, 2011 Author Posted June 7, 2011 Not trying to sound crass here at all: The post-sex endorphins probably helped embolden you to make the pep talk. Plus, you just were in bed with her naked, so of course you don't feel "insult, upset, scared", as that was a great equalizer. See how you feel in a week, when the heady confusion of sex doesn't enter the equation. and p.s. most guys here would KILL for that closeness with their estranged spouse, btw. Enjoy it on any level that you can. Oh and the "pep talk" came after she stopped and we got dressed.
Author lostinilm Posted June 10, 2011 Author Posted June 10, 2011 God I hate this back and forth ****.
cupcak3 Posted June 10, 2011 Posted June 10, 2011 Could you explain why you think this? It isn't the first time I've heard it, but no one has told me why.... Not a psych here but typically, jealousy and obsession stem from the feelings of the inability to control a situation or someone's behavior. Which in your case, you don't because she is not letting herself get back together with you. I think after your recent tryst with your wife, you were not angry or upset because you have a little more control of the situation back. Divorce is not something anyone should consider without serious thinking. But something is stopping your wife from getting back together with you; despite her feelings for you. Speaking from personal turmoil myself with wanting a divorce, loving someone does not mean you are happy with them. And love is not always enough... Just curious, who cheated first? Most intuitive spouses know when they're being cheated on.
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