lostinilm Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 The long and short of it. After 12 years of marriage, my wife decided she wanted time and space. Backstory. We were married very young (I was 19 she was 21) we have 3 children and have had a crazy amount of ups and downs. A little under two years ago, everything hit the fan when I had messages read and was caught in an affair. She wanted to end it then, but I for 8 straight months we would spend 12-14 hours a day talking, trying to figure out what went wrong, finding out why, re-falling in love. During this time it came out that I wasn't the only one who had indiscretions. At that point, I didn't care, I just wanted to be with her, I was so in love again that all I wanted was to get through our troubles and be with her. I quit my job (closed my business) and did nothing but trying to work it out with her. We moved out of state, away from the troubles, knowing that we couldn't run away from our problems but we wanted a fresh start. That was last July. During the last months, my jealousy grew and grew. I wasn't jealous about thinking she was going to do anything, I was jealous because I didn't want people to even think about talking to her, hitting on her etc. I just didn't and don't like it. She would tell me every time I would get jealous that I was pushing her away. I tried to listen, but it wasn't something I could help. Finally after one night where she was gone until nearly 5 am I blew up. I knew exactly where she was, who she was with, etc, at that point I was just hurt because I wanted to spend time with her and was jealous that anyone anyone was getting her attention when I do badly wanted it. She said that was it, she needed time and space because I drove her away. She said she loves me more than anything but can't handle it because she knows that I'm harboring something deep from the issues we had before and because she knows that's what I'm doing, its making her do the same. We weren't in the financial situation for her to be able to move out right away, but she started looking. When I would come home I would hang out with the kids until it was time for them to go to bed, then I would leave and just drive until I figured she was asleep, then I would sleep on the floor. I was trying to do this to give her space, but one of the two of us would cave, checking on the other and get into it about this. Fast forward a couple weeks, a lot of fights and one more jealous rage, I helped her find a place, paid the deposits, got the utilities set up and started seeing a therapist to help with my jealousy issues. Now that she's been in her place, I feel she's getting the space, I'll go pick up the kids if she has them and I have gone over a couple times to help bring over something she left at my house or little things here and there, but I've been trying to be good about it. Everyone (the kids, her sister and even her) tells me that she's torn up about this and really hates it, but it doesn't seem like it to me. She's going out, having fun, doing God knows what, while I'm at home being miserable (except when I'm with the kids.) I just want her back and I've tried all avenues, begging/pleading, being cold, flat out ignoring (which didn't go over well) and finally, only answering when she sends something or calls or if I had something that was important to tel her (not about "us" but about finances or the kids.) That seems to be driving her away further, at least she'd have a conversation with me when I was doing the other things. I don't want to be apart from her. I know she loves me, I know she's in love with me, she just can't take it. The jealousy spurred all the feelings she wasn't over from a couple years ago and I get it. I had a lot of things left over on my end too, but I was willing to put them aside for the betterment of us. I just flat out do not know what the hell to do. I think I'm getting better and then tonight she asks if I can take the kids because she's going out with a friend. I didn't say anything wrong (I've learned my lesson there) but all these bad thoughts entered my head and I just wanted to go nuts. Not because she's going out with a friend but because it seems like she's fine while I'm struggling. As far as the specs go...we've got the separation agreement and everything is fine there, no problems, everyone is happy. There are no issues with fighting over the kids,....but I just want to be want to be with her and I can't. That's the A#1 problem. Why would she say she's hurting, she wishes she could be with me etc., and then be acting like this? If its that bad, why not just be with me????
jstobo Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Oh Boy...Sorry you are going through this. But you my friend, have an easy fix!! Stop being jealous. You mentioned a therapist. That's good. Stick with it. You may take some time reading my thread and see the journey I have been on. My problem wasn't jealousy, but control problems. My W finally felt nothing she could do was going to be good enough. She lived in fear. Not that I was going to hurt her, but that I would get upset and we would have an unpleasant evening. She found her way into an Emotional Affair. Being with someone else hasn't been her ultimate answer though. She wants to be with me, but she is only going to allow that if I change and allow her to have a voice. Sounds like your W isn't gone either. She loves you. She may not feel in love with you right now, but she loves you. She wants to go out and do innocent things without being accused of something else. You have every right to have suspicions. I still do, but I haven't decided to forgive or stay with my W. You decided to forgive. You're going to have to bite your tongue whenever you feel jealous. And she doesn't want to stay because at this point, nothing has changed. My W did to me just yesterday, what yours did to you. I asked her out and she said she couldn't go. She wouldn't tell me why. Of course, I assume it's a date with another guy and I sulk. I have to get to the point I don't sulk. Before I would have accused, so I'm making progress and she recognizes the progress. My W's sister and one of her closest friends tells me they have never seen my W so miserable. Guess what. I rarely get any hint of that from her. Women are just stronger than us I guess. Seeing her, I would never know she is miserable. She looks happy as can be. I think your W loves you, just not the jealousy part. Improve on that and good things will happen. And get a life going outside of your W. Maybe if you have things you're doing that doesn't involve another woman, maybe it will help build confidence in you that she could be doing things that don't involve another man.
Author lostinilm Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Thanks for the advice. Well sadly, I wish it was just a simple as fixing the jealousy. But in the month since the decision was made (she's been out for 2 weeks) she's gone from saying it was because of the jealousy, to it was because of the things from before that she held on to and had pushed down but the jealousy made them come back up, to most recently she said I treated her badly for mostly 9 of the 12 years. During our reconciliation last year, I admitted and agreed with some things, that I don't necessarily agree with, but I was doing it to heal and move forward together, so if I go back on them now I look like an ass and it becomes even more difficult. The thing that stung the most was when she told me "you need to let me go, you're not going to be with me." I said "ever?" and she responded with "I didn't say that, but definitely not now." I know I should look at the good part of that which was that she didn't say never, but instead I feel the sting and hurt of the "you're not going to be with me." That was the same day I found out she has been talking to the person she had her indiscretion with, who was a part of her life before me and became a mutual friend during our marriage sans the last year and a half when we made the agreement that we would never speak to him again and he didn't need to be a part of our lives. The day after she moved out she called him saying "I need to be able to talk to someone that gets me and knows what I"m going through." To me, that spits all over our the last couple years of what we had. I know there is no interest there on her part (although I know there is interest on his part) and I don't think they are "going to end up together or anything" but we made the agreement that he was out. My therapist said "you're separated, it's none of your business and worrying about spitting on your marriage means nothing because you're not together, so therefore it doesn't matter." UGH!!! It just sucks.
willowthewisp Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Whilst you have jealousy issues, I do not think your wife being in contact with her affair partner and contacting him again as soon as you seperate after having no contact for over a year, is non of your business as your therapist said. It is very much your business, particularly if it turns out your wife is cheating with him and has been for some time. HOWEVER, you do have jealousy problems and so it is important that you do not respond to this incase there really is nothing going on, because honestly you do not know. I think the best advice has already been given, stick with your therapy, go LC with your wife, move your life forward, make changes for you not for her and if she comes around, then great, if not, you will be in a better position with your life to move on yourself.
Author lostinilm Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Thanks for the advice. There's a little more to it than an "affair partner" but anything we all had prior, was thrown out the window when that happened, so I completely disagree with my therapist on that one. However, he is not even on our side of the country, so I know nothing is going on and hasn't for over at least a year....for 100% sure. And their "affair" was a reaction at something she thought I had done, which I actually hadn't...that time.
Author lostinilm Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Oh, and unfortunately I already did respond to this..which was the last big blowup before I started the LC.
Author lostinilm Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 So last night I know she went out but I was purposely not going to call, text, email, nothing. To show her that I don't freak out when she goes out. Then one of my kids calls her after midnight (they had woken up and missed mommy, I get it) and she sends a text an hour later asking if everything was ok, because she saw I called and tried to call right back but I didn't answer. I responded at 4am that I hadn't called her, but everything was fine. I'm wondering...should I have just not responded? I only responded because I was surprised to see the message and wanted her to know that I didn't call her (trying to keep up with the giving her space thing) but now, by doing so does it seem like I was lying and then not admitting it because I was embarrassed? Just trying to look at it on her end...
Author lostinilm Posted May 21, 2011 Author Posted May 21, 2011 So, she called me last night on the way home from work under the premise of seeing how the kids were. I wasn't home yet and told her I didn't know. Then she started to berate me on all the reasons she left me. I told her "listen, when I agreed to give you space, I told you it had to be a two way street and you couldn't do this ****" she responded with "I know, but I just wanted you to know." I reiterated what I said. She then said I need to "set her free" I told her I haven't bothered her, haven't checked up on her, nothing, I did exactly what I said. She said "fine, I just need to hear you say it." I told her no way, because even though I won't bother her, try to pursue her, etc. I will never let her go. That turned into more berating me about what I'd done wrong the whole marriage and I resisted the urge to hang up. Instead I made comments about who she has been talking to again (see above) and she said that was none of my business but wasn't what I thought it was. Finally she started in on "you need to find someone perfect for you, that will put up with your ****, but it isn't me, I love you, but I've let you go and you'll never be with me." To which I said "I know that, you've already told me, you're telling me you want me to get better, then you tell me this **** over and over again and it is like getting kicked in the nuts." Her phone died. I sent texts finishing my statement and then told her fine, I set her free but remember, it goes both ways, so I don't want to hear **** about anything I choose to do either. She texted back saying that she loved me and everything would work out how it was supposed to but I needed to live for now and the future and she was only saying that because she felt about me. I went to bed feeling better about this than I have the entire month......but then..... After taking the kids to the beach this morning I dropped them off at her house and I saw her.....she looked so great (she always does, but after not seeing her for a couple days....WOW) and I immediately wanted to run/hug/kiss/cry all at the same time. Instead, I said hello and goodbye and left. I came home and went to sleep for four hours, just hoping I'd wake up feeling better....but all I see is her. My oldest daughter called me about something she'd left over here and wanted me to bring back to her (we only live 2 miles apart now) but I told her she'd have to come out and get it. There was no way I was going inside. That's what I'm afraid this is going to turn in to...I start to get better, then I see her (even during our worst times, I've always, always always thought she was the most gorgeous woman on the planet) and I start all over....I just don't know what the hell to do.
TroyNJ Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 First I want to say I'm very sorry for what your going through. I have been living what you are for the last 12 months. Listen to what others have to say and LIVE IT! You have to do the 180 now, this woman for whatever reason does not want to be with you right now, I know it hurts, trust me it almost killed me. Do not beg, try to reason and mostly do not tell her you love her. I know it's going to be rough, but trust me in time you will start to slowly feel better. I know right now your thinking that she is all you want. Stop beating up yourself and start becoming a better person for YOU! If she sees the improvement and comes back great, if not your a better person anyway. Hang in bro, you can and will make it through this.
Author lostinilm Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Interesting developments tonight. My oldest daughter called me and asked if I could bring them popcorn, they were watching a movie. I tried to resist saying they could go get it and she said "mommy told me to call you." Of course, even knowing I shouldn't have, I got in the car and headed over. When I got there she complained about what kind I got and said she told my daughter not to call me. She then said she was thinking and was mad about what all she is missing from her house, but what I have in mine. She said it pissed her off that I said she has everything but she really doesn't have much. (I told her to take whatever she wanted, and ended up moving almost all of it myself to her new house, who else would have done that?) Even though she has the bed, the big tv, all the bedroom furniture, I bought her knew utensils because I really didn't feel like packing those up, a bunch of new kitchen appliances etc. Believe me, she has most of it. I'm sleeping on the floor, because she has our bed and I just don't feel like getting one. I asked her what the hell this all came from and she tried to turn it around on me. I just left, not in a slamming doors and yelling kind of way, I just said "I don't know what your problem is but this can't happen every time I come over." Two minutes later I got a call asking if I had an extra lighter.....Jesus!!! I went back, dropped off the lighter and then came home. This sucks. Why, if she wants space and me to leave her alone, does she keep pulling this ****?
Author lostinilm Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 What is she testing exactly? That's what I can't figure out.
TroyNJ Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 What is she testing exactly? That's what I can't figure out. She is seeing how big of a doormat you will be. STOP doing the little things she asks, she lost that privelage when she left you. She will never respect you as long as you keep running to her whenever she calls. Next time just tell her kindly that you are busy, this will start to maybe make her see what she's missing. Do not and I repeat do not engage in a argument with her, you must give her the impression you are about or are moving on, this is the only way to possibly draw her back to you.
Author lostinilm Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 I told her I'd always be there...and I'm probably 75% to blame for why she left...I just don't know what to do. Part of me wishes she'd leave me alone because I know I eventually HAVE to heal. (There is a difference to me between healing and not loving....I'll always love her...period.) At the same time, I see the contact as her still hanging on....I guess I was wrong...
Author lostinilm Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 She is seeing how big of a doormat you will be. STOP doing the little things she asks, she lost that privelage when she left you. She will never respect you as long as you keep running to her whenever she calls. Next time just tell her kindly that you are busy, this will start to maybe make her see what she's missing. Do not and I repeat do not engage in a argument with her, you must give her the impression you are about or are moving on, this is the only way to possibly draw her back to you. The other problem is, like today, she gets my daughter to call....dirty trick, huh?
TroyNJ Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 The other problem is, like today, she gets my daughter to call....dirty trick, huh? Listen bro, I feel you trust me I do.....If you want to try and save your relationship you need to not make the mistakes most make. Do the 180 now, start right now. Even if she gets your daughter to call, by no means be hostile just kindly say "Im a little busy now"....I know every nerve ending in your body wants to run to her when she calls, right now that is a huge mistake. She is seeing how hard she can push and if you can be her plan "b". Bro, I have been through this (still ongoing) and I can tell you it's gonna be a wild ride....If you like we can chat, it always helps to talk with people feeling the same way. I also have a teenage daughter that is in the middle of my mess.
Author lostinilm Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Hey, thanks so much for the advice. I appreciate it more than you know.
John Michael Kane Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Dude screw her and her stupid "tests" and mind games. You're not jealous, you're justifiably angry because she's trying to use the marriage to validate her cheating. Dump her and tell her she can have her freedom.
Author lostinilm Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 nah man, we both cheated and mine was worse. I appreciate the thought though, thank you.
John Michael Kane Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 nah man, we both cheated and mine was worse. I appreciate the thought though, thank you. Oh wow. Previous comment retracted.
Author lostinilm Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 the more I pull away the more she contacts me for no reason....it turns into her finding something to complain about that I don't have any control over, but I've noticed the last couple days, I have not contacted her for any reason, but she's contacted me more in those days....not all pleasant, but still......strange.
Author lostinilm Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Just an update from the origin of this post...I no longer feel like I'm dying. Suffering, yes, dying...no.
Author lostinilm Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Well, as if everything else wasn't already screwed up....I just lost my job today. Completely unexpected. The company closed down. (locally owned company.) So, now this. Wow. Go back to the original title of the post....
Surfer203 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Sorry to hear that bud - maybe it can be a positive for you. Start fresh, new job.. maybe a better opportunity, better pay, change of scenery and co-workers. Could be good - could be a way to drop some bad memories and shake of the bad experiences you are having currently.
Owl Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Sorry to hear about the job. On the relationship...tell her point blank that all the "things" she's missing, she gave up in her choice for "space". She needs to suffer the consequences of her choices and actions. Stop rescuing her. If she wants 'space'...give it to her. That means she learns to solve her own problem.
Recommended Posts