peezey Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 to make a long story short: do i break the "man-code" and date one of my best friend's ex girlfriend. they have not dated since high school which was 11 years ago. he still has feelings for her, but she has none at all for him which she has made clear. she has confessed her feelings towards me time and time again. i have already rejected her once and have gone on to other girls however those relationships have not worked out. shes always been my "shoulder" despite everything. she is an amazing person in the way she treats me. she has her life together and our wants in a person are identical. we enjoy each others company and people have mistaken us for a couple. ive tried to suppress my feelings towards her, but i find myself growing all these soft spots for her. do i sacrifice my happiness and potentially a future for my best friends feelings? thank you!
utterer of lies Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 do i break the "man-code" and date one of my best friend's ex girlfriend. they have not dated since high school which was 11 years ago. 11 years? He should just grow up. Go for her.
surfrider4284 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 your buddy still has feelings for his HIGH SCHOOL girlfriend of 11 years ago? Dude needs help. Go ahead and date her. It was freaking high school....
Author peezey Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 how do i break it down to him without asking for permission. he has a little bit of a clue that we "hang out." i guess im trying to eat my cake and not lose anyone.
sanskrit Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Agree with others unless you had some hand in keeping them apart back then or spoiling what could have been between them. Otherwise go for it, but realize if things work out between you and her that either a) things will be awkward with your friend and b) you may lose your friend entirely, regardless of the technicality of being in the right or not.
surfrider4284 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 lets assume for argument sake things work out with this budding relationship... if you could only have one....would you want to find your wife, and woman of your dreams...or have your buddy as one of your best friends...? I think the answer is clear.
utterer of lies Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 how do i break it down to him without asking for permission. he has a little bit of a clue that we "hang out." i guess im trying to eat my cake and not lose anyone. I don't think that will be possible. But you don't owe to ask him. If he's ok with it, it's not a problem, and if he's not ok with it, talking to him about it will only make matters worse.
sumdude Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 11 years? He should just grow up. Go for her. I agree, there's a statute on limitations on that code and 11 years is way past it. If he has a big problem with it and you lose him as a friend then he may not have been that good of a friend anyway.
Cee Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 11 years? High school sweetheart? Your friend has issues. Go for it and start dating her now. You and this woman sound like you're meant for each other. Go ahead and see where it leads. I wouldn't tell the friend until you are already boyfriend and girlfriend. And however your friend reacts, don't take it personally. It sounds very sweet how you describe your budding romance with this woman. I hope it works out.
MrNate Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Well, Ive seen a few situations like this. Every time it played out, sure the guy got a girlfriend, but he lost his best friend for good. If it's a sacrifice you understand and are willing to take, might as well go for it.
surfrider4284 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 what kind of "best friend" would get pissed at his buddy for dating his high school girlfriend of 11 years ago? thats not a best friend...
xpaperxcutx Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I would call you out on your behavior for pursuing if they'd only recently broken up but 11 years is a bit of a stretch for someone to hold onto anther person. You're free to pursue the ex and your friend should understand that he can't control other people's feelings.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I agree, 11 years is enough time to let go. Go for her.
VicJay79 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Peezy, Good friends are hard to find. Its best to find someone else and not hurt someone that really cares about you and that trusts you. to make a long story short: do i break the "man-code" and date one of my best friend's ex girlfriend. they have not dated since high school which was 11 years ago. he still has feelings for her, but she has none at all for him which she has made clear. she has confessed her feelings towards me time and time again. i have already rejected her once and have gone on to other girls however those relationships have not worked out. shes always been my "shoulder" despite everything. she is an amazing person in the way she treats me. she has her life together and our wants in a person are identical. we enjoy each others company and people have mistaken us for a couple. ive tried to suppress my feelings towards her, but i find myself growing all these soft spots for her. do i sacrifice my happiness and potentially a future for my best friends feelings? thank you!
TheyCallMeBruce Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 It's not really up to us to determine whether or not your friend's feelings for this girl are "right" or not. If it's how he feels, it's how he feels, and nobody is in any position to judge. I think you should talk to him. Tell him how you feel, how she feels, and then make your decision based on that. He doesn't have any sort of ownership of her, but that doesn't mean he won't be hurt, and it doesn't make him weak or stupid if he is.
fishtaco Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Agree with others unless you had some hand in keeping them apart back then or spoiling what could have been between them. Otherwise go for it, but realize if things work out between you and her that either a) things will be awkward with your friend and b) you may lose your friend entirely, regardless of the technicality of being in the right or not. what kind of "best friend" would get pissed at his buddy for dating his high school girlfriend of 11 years ago? thats not a best friend... Agree with everyone. These two post summarize my vote too. Disregard who's right who's wrong, you may lose your friend anyway. But, if you lose your friend over some woman he was with 11 years ago, then I'd argue he's not much of a friend.
Cee Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I had a friend who wanted to date another friend. She asked my permission because she knew I was in love with him. I said "No" to her and they dated anyway. I was angry and devastated. I felt betrayed. I had a wise friend who told me that is their right and I should develop serenity. He basically told me to mind my own business. Anyway, they dated and I distanced myself from the male friend. And kept the friendship with the woman going. My male friend then dumped her because he wasn't into her. She cried on my shoulder. I admit I felt satisfaction, but I was kind. I'm not friends with either of them anymore so none of this matters. We drifted apart for reasons not related to jealousy. There's no way to predict the outcome. I tell the OP to go with his gut and his heart.
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 It's not really up to us to determine whether or not your friend's feelings for this girl are "right" or not. If it's how he feels, it's how he feels, and nobody is in any position to judge. I think you should talk to him. Tell him how you feel, how she feels, and then make your decision based on that. He doesn't have any sort of ownership of her, but that doesn't mean he won't be hurt, and it doesn't make him weak or stupid if he is. I agree with this. Friend-code knows no length of time. You just don't go there without receiving the a-okay from your BFF.
green_tea Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Don't keep it a secret as someone suggested, that's just wrong and will hurt the friend even more. Talk to him and I'm sure if he's a good friend, he will be ok with it.
thatdog Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Has your friend really been pining for her non-stop since high school? In long term situations like this most people might carry a torch to some extent but by 11 years should have moved on with their dating lives. Is it possible to help set your friend up with a new girl? My best friend ended up dating one of my exes less than a year after we broke up. I would normally have felt pretty betrayed, but at the time it happend I had already tried moving on and had another gf that (at least at the time) I was happy with, so when he asked me if it was ok if he asked her out I said sure, since I was focusing my attention on a different girl at the time.
Recommended Posts