Should I tell him I don't want to date anyone else?

[SingVoice]

Just need some advice here.

 

So I have been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks...it's a guy I work with. (Let's call him Junior because he is 4 years younger than me..)We had a big flirtation for about a month before he asked me out. Our dates have been fantastic actually. Lots of chemistry...lots of connection...etc. We have talked or texted every day...and I really like him.

 

So when we were first getting to know each other...we were talking about dating nowadays and I told him that I was on EHarmony. I also told him that it hadn't been the greatest experience...blah blah blah.

 

When I started dating him there were a couple of guys that I had been talking to on EH...and I had actually set up a "meeting" for tonight with one of the guys. But then things started progressing with Junior and now I am going to cancel for tonight. I don't want to date or pursue anyone else.

 

My question is...since Junior knows I am on EH....should I tell him that I am no longer pursuing anyone on there and turning off my matches? I don't believe he is seeing anyone else either...and I'm not trying to push him into exclusivity or anything just yet...but I guess...I kind of want him to know that I am serious about him and not out pursuing other guys.

 

So what do y'all think...should I tell him? How do I approach this?

[Jazzari]

I initiated this talk with my SO a few months ago so I really sympathize! It felt awkward and I was so nervous! But I really wanted to know where I stood and let him know how I felt.

 

So I just told him I wasn't interested in dating anyone else. Thankfully, he came back with "I'd like to be exclusive". I asked him if that meant just not dating anyone else or also not even looking. (I totally choked on this question. WHY couldn't I just say I want to take down our profiles?! I'm such a dork.) Anyway, he just laughed and said that we should take down our profiles and not see or look for anyone else. So it all worked out.

 

Best of luck!

 

Oh - forgot to add. I think this happened on the 3rd or 4th date.

[SingVoice]

Yeah I think there is a part of me that also wants to know where I stand as well.

 

Normally I wouldn't be so forward for it just being a couple of weeks...but like I said...we flirted for a long time...and the dates and conversations we have had have been fantastic...and I don't want him to worry that I am interested in anyone else.

 

I guess if he freaks out then he isn't the one for me anyway...right?

[tigressA]

Yeah I think there is a part of me that also wants to know where I stand as well.

 

Normally I wouldn't be so forward for it just being a couple of weeks...but like I said...we flirted for a long time...and the dates and conversations we have had have been fantastic...and I don't want him to worry that I am interested in anyone else.

 

I guess if he freaks out then he isn't the one for me anyway...right?

 

I agree. It's how you feel now, so you shouldn't wait. There's no universal amount of time after which to say it that will give you desired results (well, a near-universal time to NOT say it is during/after the first date ). If he really digs you enough, he'll welcome that news and not be freaked out by it.

[utterer of lies]

Yeah I think there is a part of me that also wants to know where I stand as well.

 

Normally I wouldn't be so forward for it just being a couple of weeks...but like I said...we flirted for a long time...and the dates and conversations we have had have been fantastic...and I don't want him to worry that I am interested in anyone else.

 

I guess if he freaks out then he isn't the one for me anyway...right?

 

 

I would not advise you to talk about. At least, not right now. Just disable your profile.

[Mrlonelyone]

I agree with utterer. Just don't date anyone else. Cancel with this guy for tonite. Feelings can change allot in a couple of weeks. The pendulum can swing one way, and it can just as quickly swing back.

 

I also must point out suppose the genders were reversed and it was a male writing about asking a woman he had been dating for a couple of weeks and knew in a non romantic way first to be exclusive? I think no I know such a man would be called a clingy, creepy, obsessive weirdo. They would.

 

In a sentence don't date anyone else and don't show your cards by telling him, let him reveal his feelings first to avoid the creepy clingy label.

 

Edited to add: Are you sure he isn't dating or talking to anyone else. Trust me everyone has options no matter how into someone or even pathetic they may seem.

[SingVoice]

Hmm...interesting points.

 

I guess I am a little concerned because he told me that he had told one of his friends that I was on EH. So...I don't know if that was like...a concern of his or whatever.

 

He has already told his family/friends about me. Actually he wanted his bff to meet me last weekend but it ended up not working out. He also told me a few days ago that I was a "good catch and he was going to work to keep me."

 

I am not asking to be boyfriend/girlfriend or anything. It's just....ugh...this might sound shallow...but I do get hit on a lot. I actually got hit on WHILE I was on a date with him! Haha...he's going out of town with family this weekend and I am going out with the girls...and I think there is a part of me that just doesn't want him to worry. I WANT him to know that I am taking "us" seriously.

 

I see your point about the "pendulum" swinging thing...but I also think that when things click...they just click.

[Mrlonelyone]

Consider what all those PUA write about challenge and what all of those who write about womens dating problems say about men liking the chase.

 

Within certain limits those things are both right. A little mystery is a good thing at this stage of a relationship. There is also a very good article from Eharmony advice I think you should really consider. It describes just what you are doing.

 

The Biggest Mistake Women Make In Dating, And What To Do Instead

 

Once we meet a man we really like, we women tend to dive right in. We want to give our hearts, mind and very soul to a man, and meld together into a perfect relationship. We give away our exclusivity before a man gives us the commitment we want.

 

When we close off our options with other men too soon, we actually sabotage our ability to get the commitment and intimacy we so desire. It's the biggest mistake women make, and you need to stop it - right now! - and start dating many men at the same time until you have the commitment you want from the man who is right for you.

 

I fully expect you to do what you are thinking about doing. Ask yourself one more thing. Are you being the way I was about sending E a single pink rose? (How could anyone overreact to that?) Do you want to end up with a gender reversed version of this happening to you?

[Jazzari]

Consider what all those PUA write about challenge and what all of those who write about womens dating problems say about men liking the chase.

 

Within certain limits those things are both right. A little mystery is a good thing at this stage of a relationship. There is also a very good article from Eharmony advice I think you should really consider. It describes just what you are doing.

 

The Biggest Mistake Women Make In Dating, And What To Do Instead

 

 

 

I fully expect you to do what you are thinking about doing. Ask yourself one more thing. Are you being the way I was about sending E a single pink rose? (How could anyone overreact to that?) Do you want to end up with a gender reversed version of this happening to you?

eHarmony has a vested interest in keeping people dating. I totally disagree with that article and think its hugely biased.

[Mrlonelyone]

True they do.... but what they say in that article is in keeping with most dating advice I have seen online and in the real world. The bottom line is don't committ to anyone until you have had some time to come off the initial buzz of a new relationship.

 

Your brain is doing all sorts of things similar to what it would do on drugs. Listen to your neocortex and not your limbic system.

 

Just because that gamble worked out for you does not mean it will work in general Jazzzari.

[Jazzari]

True they do.... but what they say in that article is in keeping with most dating advice I have seen online and in the real world. The bottom line is don't committ to anyone until you have had some time to come off the initial buzz of a new relationship.

 

Your brain is doing all sorts of things similar to what it would do on drugs. Listen to your neocortex and not your limbic system.

 

Just because that gamble worked out for you does not mean it will work in general Jazzzari.

That is very true.

 

I think you should commit when neither of you want to see others. It doesn't have to be any more complicated than that.

 

I think the bottom line is listening to your own heart.

[Mrlonelyone]

Neither of you.... She is the one who wants to commit he may not feel the same exact way yet.

 

Men are supposed to and it is socially acceptable for them to avoid commitment. So it may be ok for him to be avoidant of commitment and not have to end their relationship.

[Jazzari]

Neither of you.... She is the one who wants to commit he may not feel the same exact way yet.

 

Men are supposed to and it is socially acceptable for them to avoid commitment. So it may be ok for him to be avoidant of commitment and not have to end their relationship.

Yeah. That's what makes bringing it up so scary.

 

Hopefully she can read him correctly and know if the timing is right. I agree that if he isn't ready yet, there is no need to end the relationship. I would want to know how he feels though.

 

"I'm happy being with you, but I don't see a future for us."

 

"I'm happy being with you but I'm not ready to commit. I like the way things are going and can see it growing. But I want to take it slowly."

 

"I'm happy being with you and have no interest in anyone else. I want a committed relationship and I'm so glad you feel the same."

[SingVoice]

See here is the thing that I think is unfair.

 

I didn't freak out when he told me that he told his friends or family about me. In fact...he had dinner with his best friends (who killed himself) parents last week...and he told them all about me. I didn't freak out that he wanted his friends to meet me. None of those things have freaked me out. So then if he is telling me those things...why do I have to hold back and not tell him how I feel?

 

Again...I am not asking for a label or whatever. But like Jazzari said...I want him to know how I feel...and I would like to know how he feels. I just want both of us to have more confirmation as to our feelings before they continue to deepen.

[Mrlonelyone]

Sing voice. Don't be like me.

 

I told E about my transgender status*.... this was after we had been in a female only pole dancing class together for months while. She didn't freak out about that. She let me a bit in to her world. I didn't freak out about that.

 

I sent her a pink rose and the mildest shows of appreciation of her friendship and she freaked out.

 

So yes it may not be fair...but people can and do behave in odd or unpredictable ways. Accepting me inspite of what many could call a dark personal secret one day... then acting like I was buffalo bill from the "Silence of the Lambs" the next.

 

Then all is fair in love and war right? The whole mess just reminds me of why even as a bisexual I have had more success with men. I know that men really just want a few things in a relationship.

 

1.) Feed me.

2.) F_ck me.

3.) and Shut the F_ck up.

 

So eating with him covers number one. I won't ask about number two... Number 3... that's where so many women screw up their relationships with men. If you do number 1 and number 2 he will assume you love him.

 

So if you want him to not worry consider perhaps some number 2. Number 2 would mean more than words and if you like him and use protections what is the possible harm? If you have already done that... then he already assumes what you want to tell him BUT your having a conversation about it may well screw the pooch.

 

*See the picture I have of me up now. That's how I looked then.

[Jazzari]

See here is the thing that I think is unfair.

 

I didn't freak out when he told me that he told his friends or family about me. In fact...he had dinner with his best friends (who killed himself) parents last week...and he told them all about me. I didn't freak out that he wanted his friends to meet me. None of those things have freaked me out. So then if he is telling me those things...why do I have to hold back and not tell him how I feel?

 

Again...I am not asking for a label or whatever. But like Jazzari said...I want him to know how I feel...and I would like to know how he feels. I just want both of us to have more confirmation as to our feelings before they continue to deepen.

You know him best, but he doesn't sound like the type to freak out to me. And many men appreciate the lack of game playing.

[surfrider4284]

I dont think there is a cookie cutter answer here. You may tell one guy how you feel and he'll love it, and reciprocate, and everything will be peachy. You may tell another guy how you feel and he'll instantly think of you as the clingy, desperate type. The really is no one right answer.

 

I think best solution...feel the other person out, determine what you think (you'll never know until you do it) the type of guy he is, listen to your gut, and then do what your gut says. If its not meant to be, and he freaks out, or whatever, then he wasnt right for you anyway.

[bluenightowl]

"I didn't freak out that he wanted his friends to meet me. None of those things have freaked me out. So then if he is telling me those things...why do I have to hold back and not tell him how I feel? "

 

You don't really. I think many people do talk about such things when they feel the time is right. Only you can really make that assessment of how he feels about you. You need to decide that, but what if he says he is not ready... how will you react if its a negative answer? Will you wait for him or move on. Then things can get complicated when perhaps they should be light and fun at this point.

 

Its just from experience I think many of us have found that sometimes our feelings move faster than the other person and sometimes its good to be patient and let them catch up. This guy might already be there or he might not. A few weeks isn't very long really, but as I'm sure you're feeling those first few weeks can often be the most intense and exciting time so its not always easy to keep a lid on those feelings.

 

I've personally (as a guy) said things like are you dating anyone else? That usually is all that needs to be said. If its a no, it usually not a big deal.. they usually say their GF's suggested they meet a few people before settling with anyone.. No problem and we continue to date. Other times.. I've had women say.. that goodness.. no BS.

 

For me, the only time I really get stuck is when sex is involved or about to be, but I've come to realize at that point you really do need to talk and even then you might not be happy with the answer and need to be prepared as to how you might respond if it not what you were hoping to hear.

[SingVoice]

Wow I really appreciate everyone's comments.

 

We haven't had sex yet...but came close on the last date. And we talked about it and decided that we probably would on our next date. So I guess I am just trying to get some things figured out before any of that happens. Because I feel like once the sex starts the emotions are going to jump way ahead.

 

 

Well I ended up bringing it up to him just a little bit ago. And yeah...he didn't really react badly..but he didn't really react positively either. I just basically told him that I was done with eharmony. To sum up our conversation...he initially told me that he was "really busy" right now...and he didn't want to scare me off with that. Obviously my reaction to that was not good.

 

To sum up what he means...he works an 8-5 job...he is studying for the LSATS which he is taking in 2 weeks...and he works mon/wed evening with me...and then the other week nights he takes an lsat prep class until 10. And I have been seeing him on the weekends when he is free. So I totally get that he is busy...he is always at the library etc. And I haven't pushed him at all for more time or anything because I ALSO have a really busy schedule.

 

He said he REALLY likes me...he doesnt feel like he has to put on some front for me...but he just hopes that I will put up with his hectic schedule for the next couple of weeks. It's just weird because I don't understand what that has to do with me not being active in online dating anymore...lol

 

Honestly...I don't know what all of this means. But I am glad that I said something....because I am glad I knew this before we slept together. I think that in love....you don't get any reward without risk.

[Mrlonelyone]

Try to remember men are simple creatures when it comes to emotions. The average male brain is not wired to dissect emotions.

 

Give it two to three more weeks and see if his schedule is still hectic or whatever. (In the meantime while your done with EH I really think you should not close to door to the men who approach you for this mans sake. It really does not sound like his eye has stopped wandering to me.)

[bluenightowl]

I think its good you said something as well before having sex. Sex for many people will definitely raise the emotional level and since you're already quite into this guy, you can expect it would become even more so.. and even more so still if he acts aloof (as he seems to be)

 

That said, I agree with Mrlonelyone, try not to mentally close the door on other guys until you feel this guy is really into you. His responses, while valid, sound to me like he's not as far along as you are, so be cautious with your emotions until you are pretty sure things are mutual.

 

I think if you postpone sex for a bit longer, and just continue to have fun, eventually you have a very good idea of his intentions and no one gets hurt, but its not easy when the hormones are raging.

[Mimolicious]

Just need some advice here.

 

So I have been seeing this guy for a couple of weeks...it's a guy I work with. (Let's call him Junior because he is 4 years younger than me..)We had a big flirtation for about a month before he asked me out. Our dates have been fantastic actually. Lots of chemistry...lots of connection...etc. We have talked or texted every day...and I really like him.

 

So when we were first getting to know each other...we were talking about dating nowadays and I told him that I was on EHarmony. I also told him that it hadn't been the greatest experience...blah blah blah.

 

When I started dating him there were a couple of guys that I had been talking to on EH...and I had actually set up a "meeting" for tonight with one of the guys. But then things started progressing with Junior and now I am going to cancel for tonight. I don't want to date or pursue anyone else.

 

My question is...since Junior knows I am on EH....should I tell him that I am no longer pursuing anyone on there and turning off my matches? I don't believe he is seeing anyone else either...and I'm not trying to push him into exclusivity or anything just yet...but I guess...I kind of want him to know that I am serious about him and not out pursuing other guys.

 

So what do y'all think...should I tell him? How do I approach this?

 

UUmm... Yeah! What are you going to wait for? Your silence can lead him to continue to date others. He is the only other person that deserves to know how you feel about him. Don't you think?

 

Besides, you want him to sit there and think that you get around?

 

Tell him that you would like to get to know him better WITHOUT distraction from others. Crack it like that and the topic should get flowing.

Good luck!

[SingVoice]

Hey y'all....just wanted to give an update.

 

So after our conversation...he started texting me saying "No I think you misunderstood me....I just meant that I hope you'll stick around even though I am really busy the next 2 weeks." And "I'm not seeing anyone else."

 

I was kind of floored by the whole conversation...and I wasn't really sure how to respond. Plus I did NOT want to do this over text. So i didn't say anything. He texted me several times...and then when he was done he called me...but I was out so I didn't answer.

 

I called him back around 10pm. And I explained to him that the reason that all of this came up was because I had made tentative plans with an EHarmony guy and I realized that I didn't want to go...blah blah blah. Anyway...he said "When you told me that you werent going to see anyone else it made me smile." So why didn't he tell me??? LOL.

 

Anyway he apologized and said he really likes me and didn't mean that he was "busy" but that he knows that his schedule is crazy and since I wouldn't see him this weekend...he was hoping I would stick around. But then he also said after thinking about it...I am also really busy...and I have been more than understanding about his schedule...and he plans to be when I get even busier the next couple weeks. (Starting rehearsal for some shows).

 

He told me that he was really nervous when I didn't respond to his texts or his phone call.

 

So I thought everything was fine...and that was Thursday night. He said he was driving and would talk to me later. Well around midnight I got a "I didn't forget about you! Just wanted to say goodnight."

 

I haven't heard from him since. Men are so weird.

 

LOL

[Imajerk17]

Hmm...interesting points.

 

I guess I am a little concerned because he told me that he had told one of his friends that I was on EH. So...I don't know if that was like...a concern of his or whatever.

 

He has already told his family/friends about me. Actually he wanted his bff to meet me last weekend but it ended up not working out. He also told me a few days ago that I was a "good catch and he was going to work to keep me."

 

I am not asking to be boyfriend/girlfriend or anything. It's just....ugh...this might sound shallow...but I do get hit on a lot. I actually got hit on WHILE I was on a date with him! Haha...he's going out of town with family this weekend and I am going out with the girls...and I think there is a part of me that just doesn't want him to worry. I WANT him to know that I am taking "us" seriously.

 

I see your point about the "pendulum" swinging thing...but I also think that when things click...they just click.

 

 

I read this thread and I wished I had responded sooner, instead of after you and he had that little "talk".

 

What I bolded stood out for me. As a guy, I am telling you that you DON'T want to be reassuring him until AFTER he is your boyfriend. In other words, until he has actually EARNED that reassurance from you. Just mentioning you to his family isn't quite enough.

 

You took away a lot of his incentive to "step up". Now he has to go away and think about whether he wants to get serious with you, whereas before he was thinking about whether you were seeing other guys. This shift in his thinking doesn't serve you.

 

All is not lost. Give him a few days to get back to you.

[SingVoice]

Thanks for the advice.

 

So I guess I'm wondering now what the game plan is. I think I should just back off...and see what happens.

 

I'll see him at work tomorrow night...and I'm not going to contact him before that. I was actually thinking about not really making myself available to talk to him at work either. I don't want to be immature about it...but I guess I am thinking I need to let him come to me...if he is going to.

 

Thoughts?