Need some outsider

[Spencersmith]

Here's the rundown. With my wife now 11 years, right from high school. Married for 5 years. We had a brief split 2 years ago right after she discovered she was prego with my son, my choice. I decided to give it a shot and wnt back. We also have a daughter that's 4.

Past few months I've noticed as she has that I have become distant. Sex just seems boring regardless how much I try to enjoy. I will always care about her since she is the mother of my beautiful children and is an amazing person all around. I just don't feel that spark anymore. She said last night that just because you dont have the spark doesn't mean you can't relight it. As she is correct I just don't know anymore.

She has asked me if we should try to repair this or call it quits. I feel an attempt is deserved but in same respect we have been down this road once before. I need to take my own advice that I have given and make sure I am happy.

 

She had asked me what I thought about her last summer while driving to Florida. So I was honest. Stated some positives, negatives. She has been better as far as my "complaints" but my gut is telling me to leave.

 

I have thought about other women, I meet plenty in my line of work and had some interested but have turned down.

[robf1971]

Here's the rundown. With my wife now 11 years, right from high school. Married for 5 years. We had a brief split 2 years ago right after she discovered she was prego with my son, my choice. I decided to give it a shot and wnt back. We also have a daughter that's 4.

Past few months I've noticed as she has that I have become distant. Sex just seems boring regardless how much I try to enjoy. I will always care about her since she is the mother of my beautiful children and is an amazing person all around. I just don't feel that spark anymore. She said last night that just because you dont have the spark doesn't mean you can't relight it. As she is correct I just don't know anymore.

She has asked me if we should try to repair this or call it quits. I feel an attempt is deserved but in same respect we have been down this road once before. I need to take my own advice that I have given and make sure I am happy.

 

She had asked me what I thought about her last summer while driving to Florida. So I was honest. Stated some positives, negatives. She has been better as far as my "complaints" but my gut is telling me to leave.

 

I have thought about other women, I meet plenty in my line of work and had some interested but have turned down.

 

Are you having an affair? or is their someone else you like?

[Spencersmith]

No. I have met plenty of women but turn all down.

[Spencersmith]

There is nothing bitter about it. She's a great person. Mother? She's the perfect mother for my kids. But I think regardless of our relationship I can still be positive and think positive toward her. She hasn't really done anything wrong. She asked me Last night what did she do to deserve this, I made it clear it's nothing personal just feelings directly.

[Mauschen]

What you're doing to your wife is not fair to her or to your children. Love CAN be restored in a marriage. Go to youtube and type in [FONT=Arial, Helvetica][sIZE=3]Willard F. Harley for his videos and visit the marriagebuilders.com website. With some coaching, you can feel that "spark" you talk about again. If you're not a religious man, just ignore his comments about the Lord. Religious belief doesn't come into play when following his program anyway, so such comments should be easy to ignore.

 

Relationships after marriage (especially with children) and 2nd marriages are NOT easy. I know from experience. And so do most people who enter 2nd marriages - 70% end in divorce. Your wife sounds like the perfect partner - why would you ever consider leaving?

 

I know other women might seem appealing, but they are only appealing because you don't know them well. All relationships involve work, and in your case, a lot of work because you have 2 very small children. You will have to pay child support (my ex will be paying $1400/month for our 2 kids), you will have to spend time with your children (which makes dating more difficult), and foster a relationship between a new woman and your children (not always easy at all).

 

Besides all of that, your wife might eventually move on to meet a 2nd husband, who will certainly be a big part of your children's lives. How would that make you feel? He will be sleeping in the same bed as your wife and parenting your children. He will likely be the main male role model in their lives (if your wife has the kids most of the time). Your daughter might even ask him to walk her down the aisle some day. How would that make you feel? And, of course, you'll have no control over how he chooses to parent your children or what he teaches them. All things to consider! I am not trying to insult you, but just want you to look at the big picture.

 

I wish you and your wife a long happy marriage.

[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Spencersmith]

Past 2 years haven't been all there. I want to believe that I could fall in love again but after 11 years, I'm not sure that the love would come back.

 

 

As far as worrying about a step-father being in my children's lives....

I will always be there for them as my father wasn't there. I would be more involved as I never had it. Whether I live in the same house or the next town over. I don't mind as long as he wouldn't try to oust me and would respect me as their father.

 

This is about her and I. The kids will always be at the top of both of out lists. She knows I'll be there for them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What you're doing to your wife is not fair to her or to your children. Love CAN be restored in a marriage. Go to youtube and type in [FONT=Arial, Helvetica][sIZE=3]Willard F. Harley for his videos and visit the marriagebuilders.com website. With some coaching, you can feel that "spark" you talk about again. If you're not a religious man, just ignore his comments about the Lord. Religious belief doesn't come into play when following his program anyway, so such comments should be easy to ignore.

 

Relationships after marriage (especially with children) and 2nd marriages are NOT easy. I know from experience. And so do most people who enter 2nd marriages - 70% end in divorce. Your wife sounds like the perfect partner - why would you ever consider leaving?

 

I know other women might seem appealing, but they are only appealing because you don't know them well. All relationships involve work, and in your case, a lot of work because you have 2 very small children. You will have to pay child support (my ex will be paying $1400/month for our 2 kids), you will have to spend time with your children (which makes dating more difficult), and foster a relationship between a new woman and your children (not always easy at all).

 

Besides all of that, your wife might eventually move on to meet a 2nd husband, who will certainly be a big part of your children's lives. How would that make you feel? He will be sleeping in the same bed as your wife and parenting your children. He will likely be the main male role model in their lives (if your wife has the kids most of the time). Your daughter might even ask him to walk her down the aisle some day. How would that make you feel? And, of course, you'll have no control over how he chooses to parent your children or what he teaches them. All things to consider! I am not trying to insult you, but just want you to look at the big picture.

 

I wish you and your wife a long happy marriage.

[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Spencersmith]

Well my wife was having a jewelry party with a bunch of friends, her mom, her sisters. I did some exercise after work and met with a frien to chat and kill time til about 9. Walked in house unsure if my wife said anything to her mom and sisters and me walking in the door answered that! Her mom just looked up to see who walked in, gave me a look of death and kept on reading. Her sister was walking out and never even acknowledged me. I wad about to be my normal wise ass self but kept shut due to wife's friends there and didnt want to start anything.

 

They act like their relationships are Peachy and problem free and they are always quick to judge me as if I did something seriously wrong. It's disgusting. Bumped into my wife upstairs when she was putting son to sleep and asked her if she said anything to them and she Said I couldn't hide it this am when my sister was here. She states all she said was we are having issues. I believe her. So I kissed the kids and left.

 

I'm on my iPhone sitting in my car. Who knows what's gonna happen tonight.

[2.50 a gallon]

Eleven years later, after carrying and birthing your two children, let me guess, she no longer has that flat stomach, she's put on a few pounds, her boobs are beginning to sag and her buns of steel are now marshmellow so you are looking for greener pastures

 

Have you taken a look in the mirror lately? Have you noticed you are getting older too?

 

Dude there is no going back, it is just going to get worse.

 

Most of the guys on this forum would give their right arm and right testicle to be in your shoes. Read the stories of the men whose wives are cheating on them and taking away their families.

 

Read how half of them took their wives for granted, which you are now doing, and after she walked away found that there was almost zero chance of getting her love back. You are walking that path, this could be you in a very short time.

 

Fix it while you have a chance, remember you're getting older too

[Spencersmith]

This has nothing to do with greener pastures or how she looks. He'll the past few months she lost 20lbs. I'm aware she's older and changes. I could have women with beach bodies, perky tits and perfect ass. If that was the case this relationship would have ended years ago. Do I sound cocky? Yeah I do but your reply is not fitting for the advice I seek

 

I look in the mirror daily. I also work out regularly at gym and running.

 

Your reply is appreciated but it does not help at all.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am much older than you, in fact I am retired. With the divorce rate at above 50 per cent, I have seen a great many marriages come apart

 

One of the things that I have noticed is what happens to the kids. The kids will be OK is pure caca. In almost every case that I know of the kids have a difficult adulthood. The sins of the father are passed on to their children. Separation and divorce seems to breed separation and divorce in the next generation

 

Also another common theme is how often the children, once they reach adulthood, look back at their broken family and point their fingers at the parent who was the cause of the break up, and quite often shut that parent out of their lives.

 

My sister also married her childhood sweet heart. He had been my best friend since the eighth grade, and later we went on to work together until I married at age 35 and moved a thousand miles away.

 

It was after I moved that he got itchy feet and tested whether the grass was greener and had an affair. She caught him, filed for divorce.

 

They had two girls, neither of my nieces want anything to do with their father.

 

The oldest niece is already on her second marriage

 

A couple of years ago my youngest niece finally decided to get married. She was in her mid 30's, and it took a really special guy to get her out of her I never want to get married kick.

 

It was only at the instance of her husband that she invited her father to the wedding.

 

It was at the reception that I finally got to talk with my former best friend for the first time in almost 20 years

 

My oldest niece has two children, his grand son and grand daughter. The only time that he has seen them was at their christening. He know almost nothing about the lives of his two grand children and has never been a part of their lives.

 

He had no idea that his grand son was a three year starter on his high school football team. He never got to see him play

 

He did not know that both of his grand children are go getters. The grand son has been working and supporting his own car since he turned 16.

 

His grand daughter is carrying almost a 4.0 average in grade school.

 

He eventually married the OW. She too was married, had three kids, got custody. But that didn't last as they were teenagers, and her marrying my exBil was like throwing gasolene on a fire, they rebelled and ended up moving in with their dad.

 

And totally like the story of my exBIL they want no contact with their mother.

 

My exBIL and her now own a small ranchete, where they can keep horses. They have always kept a special gentle horse awaiting the day that their grand children will come over for a ride. It has been over a decade and none of their kids have ever visited with them

 

My marriage didn't last beyond six months, so there was no children and hence my life suffer from the lack of grand children.

 

As I mentioned in my previous post, there is no stopping father time. In just a few blinks of an eye you too will be my age, and grand children will be very important in your life

 

You too could easily be in my shoes, or my exBIL's shoes.

 

Trust me, find away to make it work, before it is too late

[Mauschen]

I'm not saying this to sound harsh, but it does sound like you've already made up your mind. I pointed you toward resources to try to restore your love. This is your definition of love, by the way, and not mine. Your definition is the "spark." My definition is to do what is best for your wife and children, which is to care for them, stay with them, and show them that they are your priority in life. Your version of love is selfish, a feeling. Even so, you can restore the feeling in 2 very different ways. You can use the resources I pointed to in my last post or you can leave your wife. Sometime down the road, you will probably want her back and feel a longing for what you had with her.

 

My ex-H took me for granted, cheated on me (which I realize you haven't done to your wife) because there was no more "spark." Now he is in his 2nd marriage and the "spark" in that one is now gone too and he is cheating on her. So now what, a 3rd relationship/marriage? My poor children have to watch all of this, get attached to new people and then loose them, and all of this is shaping their perceptions about relationships. Your actions shape your children and show them how to love someone.

 

Is your wife seeing a therapist? If not, I would find her one so she has someone to talk to. It sounds like you don't want her talking to her family about you, so you should really provide her with a way to release her feelings and deal with the rejection. It is all very painful.

[dontKnowMe]

Spencersmith,

 

It seems like you are being ganged up on here. I'm in very similar shoes as you but I haven't posted because I know I'd get the same response you have. They are making you out to be the villain. This is primarily because most people here are on the opposite end of the spectrum -- those whose spouse is leaving them.

 

I don't have any advice for you, I wish I did because that would mean I knew something about MY OWN situation.

 

Anyhow, don't let these people get you down.

 

Most people in your position would just make their wife miserable and/or cheat on them until their spouse left them. At least you've been honest.

[htctouchpro2]

when you say the spark isnt there anymore what do you mean? you don't love her anymore...or are you interested in other people at this point?

[2sunny]

you are an extremely selfish and self centered man.

 

your wife deserves to be married to a man that loves her no matter what... since you stand there WONDERING if you even love her - you should leave... that way she can find a man that isn't so full of thinking of himself over the best for his family.

 

you could have considered all these things BEFORE you had children! and your FEELINGS don't really matter - it only matters what you DO - ya, that's right - our actions show our true character... so you have now revealed that you aren't the husband your wife thought you COYLD be. so now you are a disappointment to her = THAT is why you should leave... she deserves better than to stay married to a man that only considers how HE feels.

 

selfish - and a sense of entitlement... you are sure to be an unhappy man forever.

 

and i know you've denied it - but it looks like you're interested in another woman for sure.

[dontKnowMe]

2sunny,

 

You kill me! Clearly no one ever changes! You must be exactly the same person you've always been and the same must be true of your spouse if you have one.