East7 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I think that's the good thing to get out of it, is that now you understand that dynamic, you know the pain it causes for real, and you just want to treasure that lucky lady who I will call future wife for now Sweet like always....
Quiet Storm Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I think there are two different kinds of male cheaters. There are the guys that feel entitled, the men that want variety, the player types. And then there are men that would prefer one woman, but aren't having sex (or wife does it, but isn't into it). They usually hold out for awhile, and sometimes forever...but some of them cheat. For the latter group, who knows what would have happened if he felt as if he had a good(and for men that must include sex) relationship with his wife? I am not saying it is the wife's fault, but for whatever reason, if they aren't connecting on a sexual level, the man will feel dissatisfied. And if they aren't connecting emotionally, the woman will get resentful (= no sex). But still, it is 100% the cheaters personal choice to make a bad decision like cheating. But both types are selfish, both are not thinking of OW's feelings, both have issues that do not make for good relationship material. They are all liars.
Breezy Trousers Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 No. If I said that he felt he had a right to cheat, that would be different. I'm explaining what happened to influence his chance in stance. It's called context. He's never claimed he was right to cheat, I'm simply saying he believes he never would have. Our experiences contribute to our reactions, it's only natural; we none of us are clean slates once fully in to adulthood and living our lives. I agree that context exists -- that things influence us -- but we must still take responsibility for our actions in the end and not point to past influences. My husband's infidelities pre-2001 caused me to justify my temptation to have an affair with MM in 2008: "I wouldn't be so tempted now if he hadn't done this to me." ... Having said that, I loved my husband and valued my marriage, so I worked very hard to not make that choice for two years -- and, trust me, it was WORK. I could have easily jumped into the affair and blamed my spouse for influencing me -- and lots of people would have shaken their heads in sympathy, lol -- but it was still a self-serving lie in the end. Context existed in my situation, but I wasn't helpless to its influence, only to my desire to manipulate it to validate myself to everyone else.
Silly_Girl Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I like to understand the wider picture BT, empathise with the person (whether it's MP/OP/BS), and wonder how I would react in X, Y, Z situation, but in general we are the ones ultimately responsible for the actions we take, of course. The 'why' of why we do what we do is interesting to me. When I was being cheated on I tried to understand it.
OWoman Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 I think deep down I knew that wouldn't be able to trust him, even if he did leave. Yep - if you can't trust someone, there's no point in being in ANY kind of R with them
notgonnatakeit Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 That's why I do believe that it doesn't matter who they are with (if the BS is an amazing hot looking very sexual, dreamboat) they will still seek out their drug, they will still act out to fill their voids. My ex-affair partners wife is beautiful...mutual male friends said she was "hot" and xap's mother even said she turned heads whenever she entered a room. Mutual friends (male and female) have also said she's "icy", "b*tchy" and "snooty" too. Xap used his horrible childhood and "miserable" marriage to play on my heartstrings. It worked--for a year. I don't believe he'll ever address all the issues from his past or his present. Cheating is selfish (I'm a former cheater...I speak from experience, sadly)...and the worst part is the aftermath. It's very hard to move on when you realize that you were simply used by someone and the "drug" of choice to fill the void in his life.
vweb1218 Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Affairs I never thought I would be in one. Being in one just taught me how destructive and crushing they can be (a lesson I shouldn't even have needed to learn) Taught me that in my life, I will do things I never thought I would be capable of doing Taught me that I feel guilt and remorse when I do things that don't agree with my general view of how I should live my life Taught me that nothing is as it seems (MM wasn't anywhere near as perfect as he pretended to be, I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, a strained relationship doesn't guarantee that its going to end) Although I believe that Rs that result from affairs are more common than most of us think - I do also believe that in those cases, those As don't last long, and that the married party gets a divorce, makes a clean break and then pursues a real R with the AP. An A that lasts a long time, will most likely just remain an A. MM Hmmm, MM, well xMM actually He really was my fantasy come to life (seemingly, if you don't look too closely at the very obvious flaws) So when I met xMM he was this great guy with so many attributes and qualities of what I always thought I'd want in the man I'd be with (I didn't know all the flaws at this point)- I thought WOW, that's him. He was "broken up" when we met, so I liked his honesty about having a son and being out of a complicated R. And its funny but I actually thought to myself - "Everyone says when you find love, its not like you expect, so maybe this is the guy, just because he has a kid, which I normally wouldn't want in a guy I date - maybe that's the hurdle, maybe that's the thing that would be out of sync with the great fantasy- maybe that's what would make it challenging and make the payoff so much more worth it" I actually thought this!! Yeah! xMM was a man that wore many masks and played many roles. The most true version of him I saw was the one where he was vulnerable and would tell me about his childhood and how he didn't have a dad growing up, and how the man he thought was his father (the one that left him at the age of 4) turned out not to be his father. That was my favorite version of him, because I think it was the most honest one, it was the broken side of him, and I related to that (different story, similar pain). xMM in reality is a man that has issues that need to be sorted out - I'm fairly convinced now that the cheating has nothing to do with his GF. Its about the voids in him, it wouldn't matter who he is with - he'll act the way he does until he fixes himself. xMM is a man that's selfish, that's a passive aggressive coward, and that's willing to use anyone to feed whatever emptiness is inside him. I see that now. The OW In this case that would be me. Before I got into this mess, I used to have this image of the OW being someone that consciously goes after married men, just for the f**k of it, just to have the thrills at the expense of others. From my experience I now know that this is not the case. From reading a lot of stories, I see that this is not usually the case. Most OW get involved with separated or 'divorcing' men, they get played, they fall for the guy, and then get in this fog and can't find a way out. I'm not excusing what I did. I own what I did. I did wrong, I know that, but it really wasn't as black an white and it seems. I just thought that the love we had justified things if he was going to leave. He didn't. Being the OW, in most cases isn't all sunshine and roses. The OW doesn't sit there laughing at the BS. The OW gets heartbreak, lowered expectation, guilt, and a few moments, or even hours of good (when she's with MM)- believe me, that doesn't come close to outweighing all the negatives. I speak mainly for me. I'm sure that there could be OW out there that are more of a priority than the BS, but just from reading here, it doesn't seem like that's the norm. The BS Although I felt it wasn't fair that she would have xMM if she didn't really care that much (at the time I believed what xMM used to say) - I never envied her because he cheated on her repeatedly, not just with me. There was a time when I believed that a BS must know what's going on a little bit at least, and must be just turning a blind eye - I don't see it that way anymore. xMM is very skilled at lying and changing his masks - so just like he lied to me, he could have been lying to her. I just never understood how they lived at the same house but he was always gone, he was always on his phone, or just not there - how could she not see something is wrong? But in all honesty, I don’t' know, maybe she felt something and didn't want to face it Or here's a crazy thought, maybe she was actually busy with the 2* kids they have not to pay that much attention to what he was doing. (yeah you may be questioning the 2 kids thing - yeah well xMM confessed about having another kid pretty much after I had known him for a year or so - I'm certain he lied about her age as well)…yeah….. I don't know if they are happy - I doubt that they are as unhappy as he says In the end though, it doesn't matter, because NOBODY IS WHERE THEY DON'T WANT TO BE!. I just learned that nothing is truly as it seems. I don't know what life has in store for me, so far things are great with my bf and I'm lucky to have a chance to be happy with someone that actually loves me, wants to make me happy, wants to be with me, and puts me high on his list of priorities. The A experience was one that taught me so much about myself. Some very bad, and disappointing things But some very good, and I have addressed everything. I feel like I know myself better, I've dealt with past issues better and I'm actually more at peace with myself now. Hehe, I'm so not saying that an A is the road to self discovery, but these are things I have learned from my A experience. Just thought I'd share with the rest of the class I would have to disagree with your bolded statement: I am in a US state that I don't want to be in.. I don't want to be an intern but have no choice to finish my degree. I don't want to be in this body lately because it is not doing what I want it to. I have been in relationships temporary that I did not want to be in any longer (who hasn't )... I think a lot of people ARE WHERE THEY DON"T WANT TO BE for several different reasons. I'm just saying !!
bentnotbroken Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I would have to disagree with your bolded statement: I am in a US state that I don't want to be in.. I don't want to be an intern but have no choice to finish my degree. I don't want to be in this body lately because it is not doing what I want it to. I have been in relationships temporary that I did not want to be in any longer (who hasn't )... I think a lot of people ARE WHERE THEY DON"T WANT TO BE for several different reasons. I'm just saying !! Or just wishing.
Author TigerCub Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I would have to disagree with your bolded statement: Its fine, I disagree with most of what you said and I will put my statements in bold...you have a right to your opinions and not everyone sees things the same way. I am in a US state that I don't want to be in.. You can move. Or at least work on making plans to move, and get things in order to fulfill that goal. I don't want to be an intern but have no choice to finish my degree. If being an intern isn't working out for you and internship is real life training to what you will be doing when you get your degree, then maybe that degree isn't the right one for you. Either tough it out, or change career goals. I don't want to be in this body lately because it is not doing what I want it to. Body issues, can be fixed unless its an illness, or a handicap / physical medical issue. Other than that, most body issues can be fixed by changing some things and taking better care of yourself. I have been in relationships temporary that I did not want to be in any longer (who hasn't )... you said it yourself temporary - that means for a short while after -> you still got out, you didn't stay in those relationships for ever, you're still not in them, I hope you didn't drag them out for years - no, you said temporary = short term which to me means less than a year. So you didn't stay in those relationships that were failing - you DIDN'T stay where you didn't want to be. I think a lot of people ARE WHERE THEY DON"T WANT TO BE for several different reasons. I think the strong willed ones that are independent take less time to get out and they don't let themselves get trapped into staying where they don't want to be. Unless someone is being abused and afraid to leave - I honestly can't see how in the US and just north America in general a person can be stuck. Unless its an issue of abuse. I'm just saying !! Thanks for your input vweb1218. I just see things differently. I think that people just have different thresholds of what they can and can't put up with - some people use excuses like kids, finances, houses, blah blah, but if they really wanted to get out - if they were really that miserable and there was no threat of physical violence to them or those that they care about - then there is no excuse for not leaving - something must be keeping them there.
greengoddess Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 No. If I said that he felt he had a right to cheat, that would be different. I'm explaining what happened to influence his chance in stance. It's called context. He's never claimed he was right to cheat, I'm simply saying he believes he never would have. Our experiences contribute to our reactions, it's only natural; we none of us are clean slates once fully in to adulthood and living our lives. I don't understand why he bothered to cheat with you though. WHY CHEAT? His wife already cheated and then continued an affair with her cheatee so why not just dump the cheater and bring you out into the open? Why treat you like the dirty little secret when his wife was cheating. I just do not get it. It has to be humiliating to sneak around cheating with a married man. Why put you through that for a woman who was cheating on him?
Silly_Girl Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I don't understand why he bothered to cheat with you though. WHY CHEAT? His wife already cheated and then continued an affair with her cheatee so why not just dump the cheater and bring you out into the open? Why treat you like the dirty little secret when his wife was cheating. I just do not get it. It has to be humiliating to sneak around cheating with a married man. Why put you through that for a woman who was cheating on him? It's to do with the dynamic. And many years of habitual patterns. Lots of couples have bad behaviours ingrained within the relationship. Many couples who claim to be 'happily married' can have serious issues that they do not acknowledge as such. I know you could never understand. And no, not humiliating.
greengoddess Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 It's to do with the dynamic. And many years of habitual patterns. Lots of couples have bad behaviours ingrained within the relationship. Many couples who claim to be 'happily married' can have serious issues that they do not acknowledge as such. I know you could never understand. And no, not humiliating. I'm confused. Was he claiming to be happily married while cheating with you? How can having to be kept a secret not be humilating. It's like he is ashamed of you or who he is being by being with you.
OWoman Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 It's to do with the dynamic. And many years of habitual patterns. Lots of couples have bad behaviours ingrained within the relationship. Many couples who claim to be 'happily married' can have serious issues that they do not acknowledge as such. I know you could never understand. This sounds similar to my H's M with his xW.
Silly_Girl Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I'm confused. Was he claiming to be happily married while cheating with you? How can having to be kept a secret not be humilating. It's like he is ashamed of you or who he is being by being with you. No he wasn't claiming to be happily married. Or unhappily married. Just married. He wasn't ashamed of me. He had some serious introspection and weighing up to do. He spoke to friends and family. And told his wife. Then left his wife. If he'd met me one day and left the next I'd have found that weird and sinister. He needed time to understand his options and reassess his life. Like the boiling frog in the pot he noticed tiny incremental changes but didn't realise the full extent of the situation. That process was a dark and painful one for him and I have a lot of respect for him for taking that on. Not everyone does/can. You can tell me it's humiliating, gg, but I can tell you that I'm the one talking from experience and it wasn't. We're very lucky to have found each other.
Recommended Posts