What Affairs Taught Me...

[TigerCub]

Affairs

 

I never thought I would be in one.

Being in one just taught me how destructive and crushing they can be (a lesson I shouldn't even have needed to learn)

Taught me that in my life, I will do things I never thought I would be capable of doing

Taught me that I feel guilt and remorse when I do things that don't agree with my general view of how I should live my life

Taught me that nothing is as it seems (MM wasn't anywhere near as perfect as he pretended to be, I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, a strained relationship doesn't guarantee that its going to end)

 

Although I believe that Rs that result from affairs are more common than most of us think - I do also believe that in those cases, those As don't last long, and that the married party gets a divorce, makes a clean break and then pursues a real R with the AP.

 

An A that lasts a long time, will most likely just remain an A.

 

MM

Hmmm, MM, well xMM actually

He really was my fantasy come to life (seemingly, if you don't look too closely at the very obvious flaws)

So when I met xMM he was this great guy with so many attributes and qualities of what I always thought I'd want in the man I'd be with (I didn't know all the flaws at this point)- I thought WOW, that's him.

 

He was "broken up" when we met, so I liked his honesty about having a son and being out of a complicated R.

 

And its funny but I actually thought to myself - "Everyone says when you find love, its not like you expect, so maybe this is the guy, just because he has a kid, which I normally wouldn't want in a guy I date - maybe that's the hurdle, maybe that's the thing that would be out of sync with the great fantasy- maybe that's what would make it challenging and make the payoff so much more worth it"

 

I actually thought this!!

Yeah!

xMM was a man that wore many masks and played many roles.

 

The most true version of him I saw was the one where he was vulnerable and would tell me about his childhood and how he didn't have a dad growing up, and how the man he thought was his father (the one that left him at the age of 4) turned out not to be his father.

That was my favorite version of him, because I think it was the most honest one, it was the broken side of him, and I related to that (different story, similar pain).

 

xMM in reality is a man that has issues that need to be sorted out - I'm fairly convinced now that the cheating has nothing to do with his GF. Its about the voids in him, it wouldn't matter who he is with - he'll act the way he does until he fixes himself.

 

xMM is a man that's selfish, that's a passive aggressive coward, and that's willing to use anyone to feed whatever emptiness is inside him. I see that now.

 

 

The OW

In this case that would be me.

Before I got into this mess, I used to have this image of the OW being someone that consciously goes after married men, just for the f**k of it, just to have the thrills at the expense of others.

From my experience I now know that this is not the case. From reading a lot of stories, I see that this is not usually the case.

Most OW get involved with separated or 'divorcing' men, they get played, they fall for the guy, and then get in this fog and can't find a way out.

 

I'm not excusing what I did. I own what I did. I did wrong, I know that, but it really wasn't as black an white and it seems.

I just thought that the love we had justified things if he was going to leave.

He didn't.

 

Being the OW, in most cases isn't all sunshine and roses.

The OW doesn't sit there laughing at the BS.

The OW gets heartbreak, lowered expectation, guilt, and a few moments, or even hours of good (when she's with MM)- believe me, that doesn't come close to outweighing all the negatives.

 

I speak mainly for me. I'm sure that there could be OW out there that are more of a priority than the BS, but just from reading here, it doesn't seem like that's the norm.

 

 

The BS

Although I felt it wasn't fair that she would have xMM if she didn't really care that much (at the time I believed what xMM used to say) - I never envied her because he cheated on her repeatedly, not just with me.

 

There was a time when I believed that a BS must know what's going on a little bit at least, and must be just turning a blind eye - I don't see it that way anymore.

xMM is very skilled at lying and changing his masks - so just like he lied to me, he could have been lying to her.

 

I just never understood how they lived at the same house but he was always gone, he was always on his phone, or just not there - how could she not see something is wrong?

 

But in all honesty, I don’t' know, maybe she felt something and didn't want to face it

Or here's a crazy thought, maybe she was actually busy with the 2* kids they have not to pay that much attention to what he was doing.

(yeah you may be questioning the 2 kids thing - yeah well xMM confessed about having another kid pretty much after I had known him for a year or so - I'm certain he lied about her age as well)…yeah…..

 

I don't know if they are happy - I doubt that they are as unhappy as he says

 

In the end though, it doesn't matter, because NOBODY IS WHERE THEY DON'T WANT TO BE!.

 

 

I just learned that nothing is truly as it seems.

 

I don't know what life has in store for me, so far things are great with my bf and I'm lucky to have a chance to be happy with someone that actually loves me, wants to make me happy, wants to be with me, and puts me high on his list of priorities.

 

The A experience was one that taught me so much about myself.

Some very bad, and disappointing things

But some very good, and I have addressed everything.

I feel like I know myself better, I've dealt with past issues better and I'm actually more at peace with myself now.

 

Hehe, I'm so not saying that an A is the road to self discovery, but these are things I have learned from my A experience.

 

Just thought I'd share with the rest of the class

[TMCM]

How about 'what they do with you they can do to you'?

[TigerCub]

How about 'what they do with you they can do to you'?

 

So true!

 

I always believed that pre-A but I have to admit that there was a brief time when I thought 'we'd be different, I'd make him happy, maybe we could work out' - yeah that's the crazy fog / wishful thinking part.

 

I think deep down I knew that wouldn't be able to trust him, even if he did leave.

[JaneyAmazed]

Hehe, I'm so not saying that an A is the road to self discovery, but these are things I have learned from my A experience.

 

Just thought I'd share with the rest of the class

 

 

This is true. I think the affair has to break your heart to the point that you'd never want to go through it again. Learning the hard lessons through suffering can in turn save us from future pain. I think about the comfort I received during my affair, the instant gratification. Even during those moments, I had a strong sense of dread that I would one day - sooner or later - have to pay for what I am doing. That comfort turned into panic. There really was no lasting comfort. I remember lying next to xOM silently praying that God would just let me die. I thought then everyone could get on with their lives and I wouldn't cause anymore pain for myself or anyone else. Now I know how bad off I was. That was selfish prayer. It was like "take me away so I don't have to deal with this anymore and don't have to suffer consequences." Maybe it wasn't selfish, maybe hopeless is a better word. When you know deep down that what you are doing is wrong, there is no peace. At least now I can experience peace even through tears. Sorry if I got off subject! I do that a lot!

[JaneyAmazed]

How about 'what they do with you they can do to you'?

 

This is true too. My xOM had been married and had an affair way before he met me. He was separated from his wife (but still legally married) when we met, but had had other affairs since the first affair. He explanation was, "well, since I did it the first time I might as well do it again." It was like saying now that I've broken my vows, it's ok to keep breaking them. I wasn't naive enough to believe that meant I was different from the rest. I still cared about him, but in my heart of hearts, I didn't trust him. That's one relief I have today knowing I made the right choice. I've said it before but if I were a single lady today, I wouldn't go back to xOM because of what he told me. Unless he's a done a complete 180, it would be hard for anyone to trust him.

[TigerCub]

This is true. I think the affair has to break your heart to the point that you'd never want to go through it again. Learning the hard lessons through suffering can in turn save us from future pain. I think about the comfort I received during my affair, the instant gratification. Even during those moments, I had a strong sense of dread that I would one day - sooner or later - have to pay for what I am doing. That comfort turned into panic. There really was no lasting comfort.

I can relate to that in some sense.

When I was with xMM it was the best time ever, but at the same time, in the back of my mind, I knew he had to leave and go home to his GF and kids, and I would just go home on my own.

 

I knew that nothing was lasting with him.

Now I know that for so many other reasons, but at the time, I was just so in love with him, it hurt so badly to know that he wasn't mine.

 

The pain of it was crushing, and it really got to the point where I felt suffocated, I just had to get out.

 

I remember lying next to xOM silently praying that God would just let me die. I thought then everyone could get on with their lives and I wouldn't cause anymore pain for myself or anyone else.

I think that's so sad

I'm really sorry that it got to that point for you.

I grew up always thinking about death and wishing it would happen, but it wasn't ever because of a single R I was in.

Its a very sad and lonely feeling - its is a feeling of hopelessness and desperation.

 

Now I know how bad off I was. That was selfish prayer. It was like "take me away so I don't have to deal with this anymore and don't have to suffer consequences." Maybe it wasn't selfish, maybe hopeless is a better word.

You were just so stuck.

 

When you know deep down that what you are doing is wrong, there is no peace. At least now I can experience peace even through tears. Sorry if I got off subject! I do that a lot!

I'm so glad for you that you found your peace as well - its such a load off when that happens.

 

Thanks for sharing Janey

[TMCM]

This is true. I think the affair has to break your heart to the point that you'd never want to go through it again. Learning the hard lessons through suffering can in turn save us from future pain. I think about the comfort I received during my affair, the instant gratification. Even during those moments, I had a strong sense of dread that I would one day - sooner or later - have to pay for what I am doing. That comfort turned into panic. There really was no lasting comfort. I remember lying next to xOM silently praying that God would just let me die. I thought then everyone could get on with their lives and I wouldn't cause anymore pain for myself or anyone else. Now I know how bad off I was. That was selfish prayer. It was like "take me away so I don't have to deal with this anymore and don't have to suffer consequences." Maybe it wasn't selfish, maybe hopeless is a better word. When you know deep down that what you are doing is wrong, there is no peace. At least now I can experience peace even through tears. Sorry if I got off subject! I do that a lot!

 

I sometimes wonder if the greatest betrayal a WS perpetrates is to him/herself.

 

You can runaway from your BS and OP but you can never runaway from yourself.

[ladydesigner]

I sometimes wonder if the greatest betrayal a WS perpetrates is to him/herself.

 

You can runaway from your BS and OP but you can never runaway from yourself.

 

Yes I believe this to be true.

[JaneyAmazed]

I sometimes wonder if the greatest betrayal a WS perpetrates is to him/herself.

 

You can runaway from your BS and OP but you can never runaway from yourself.

 

 

Amen! I have realized this over time. Not only did I cheat on my husband, I cheated myself. Now we both pay the price.

[TigerCub]

I sometimes wonder if the greatest betrayal a WS perpetrates is to him/herself.

 

You can runaway from your BS and OP but you can never runaway from yourself.

 

That is something that I have come to realize as well. That's why I think that the cheat has nothing to do with the spouse/SO - it would happen no matter who the cheater is with - because its about what's missing within them.

 

I have also learned through my experiences that its really hard to look within yourself and address all the hurts we have inside us. I went through that in therapy because of what the A brought out in me - those issues where there long before xMM - he just really brought them out.

 

I truly believe that he has his own issues - that most cheaters have their own issues, and rather than face them (a difficult and scary process) - they self medicate (whether its alcohol, drugs, cheating, etc..)

 

That's actually one of the reasons why I don't hate xMM. I sure as hell don't like him, but I don't hate him, because I know how damaged he is - I just feel sorry for him and those that he is capable of hurting.

[JaneyAmazed]

I can relate to that in some sense.

When I was with xMM it was the best time ever, but at the same time, in the back of my mind, I knew he had to leave and go home to his GF and kids, and I would just go home on my own.

 

I knew that nothing was lasting with him.

Now I know that for so many other reasons, but at the time, I was just so in love with him, it hurt so badly to know that he wasn't mine.

 

The pain of it was crushing, and it really got to the point where I felt suffocated, I just had to get out.

 

 

I think that's so sad

I'm really sorry that it got to that point for you.

I grew up always thinking about death and wishing it would happen, but it wasn't ever because of a single R I was in.

Its a very sad and lonely feeling - its is a feeling of hopelessness and desperation.

 

 

You were just so stuck.

 

 

I'm so glad for you that you found your peace as well - its such a load off when that happens.

 

Thanks for sharing Janey

 

Thank you for sharing as well. It helps to be able to identify with other people. I don't have any friends (that I know of) who have gone through this and it's helps to hear from people who have been through similar situations.

[East7]

Good post TC

 

I don't know what to add;...Affairs are just so painful for everyone involved. My xMW suffered a lot (she cried in front of me many times) and I did too... Sometimes I think I'm over her and I feel peace but sometimes triggers come back and I just feel so damn sad...why did it had to be that way? At those moments I feel like crying..

 

I have been heartbroken by R before but nothing can compare to an A ! Never the high has been so high and the low so low...The moments we shared were like a dream and the pain was like hell. It is awful !

When I think about the beggining of the A, I thought she would divorce and we would be happily ever after...How naive I was.

 

I have learned so much from this. I will have this scar all my life. I will do my best for my future spouse and never take her for granted. Love is fragile.

[Spark1111]

That is something that I have come to realize as well. That's why I think that the cheat has nothing to do with the spouse/SO - it would happen no matter who the cheater is with - because its about what's missing within them.

 

I have also learned through my experiences that its really hard to look within yourself and address all the hurts we have inside us. I went through that in therapy because of what the A brought out in me - those issues where there long before xMM - he just really brought them out.

 

I truly believe that he has his own issues - that most cheaters have their own issues, and rather than face them (a difficult and scary process) - they self medicate (whether its alcohol, drugs, cheating, etc..)

 

That's actually one of the reasons why I don't hate xMM. I sure as hell don't like him, but I don't hate him, because I know how damaged he is - I just feel sorry for him and those that he is capable of hurting.

 

This is the profound conclusion I too came to as a former faithful spouse.

 

And you do get a glimpse of how broken and sad your WS is, alternating in my case, with how angry and blaming he was of me after DDay.

 

What did not help is that anger was fueled by his xOW, something I would not realize for a very long time, and no, she was not your typical OW.

 

And I believe you sit there in pain and confusion and rage, and yet still know something is very damaged in your WS, but still you have a lot of decisions to make and you do not feel ready to do anything but lick your wounds and try to function.

 

Those of us who have successfully reconciled, for the most part, saw our spouse work so hard to fix themselves, to grow stronger, to fight for the marriage, to fight for themselves.

 

I would not be here today, not for love or money, if I did not experience first hand strong and empowering changes in this man.

 

Like I said to him, If the affair made you happy, why the hell were you so sad for so long?

[Spark1111]

Good post TC

 

I don't know what to add;...Affairs are just so painful for everyone involved. My xMW suffered a lot (she cried in front of me many times) and I did too... Sometimes I think I'm over her and I feel peace but sometimes triggers come back and I just feel so damn sad...why did it had to be that way? At those moments I feel like crying..

 

I have been heartbroken by R before but nothing can compare to an A ! Never the high has been so high and the low so low...The moments we shared were like a dream and the pain was like hell. It is awful !

When I think about the beggining of the A, I thought she would divorce and we would be happily ever after...How naive I was.

 

I have learned so much from this. I will have this scar all my life. I will do my best for my future spouse and never take her for granted. Love is fragile.

 

East, I feel empathy for APs like you and TC. You walked right into the middle of your MPs personal sh.tstorm, mid=life crisis, depression, and fell in love and did not realize it was never about you or what you didn't do.

 

It was always about them, and their selfishness, and their inability to deal with what was making them unhappy (And yes, it is rarely the spouse or the marriage) though they convince you it is.

 

You became their drug of choice, the panacea by which they alleviated their pain, their loneliness, their depression, their brokenness. And either they went home and fixed themselves, or they will live in this limbo land forever,

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

[Silly_Girl]

That is something that I have come to realize as well. That's why I think that the cheat has nothing to do with the spouse/SO - it would happen no matter who the cheater is with - because its about what's missing within them.

 

Hhhmmmm.... That's a bit Nature/Nurture.

 

"A cheater is born a cheater. It matters not what happens around them, they either will, or won't".

 

Yet most people I read in-depth posts from on here readily admit their actions are heavily influenced by experiences. 'X happened, I was feeling Y. Next, Z happened'.

 

I know my bf feels that he would never have strayed had his wife not left him for someone else, and then kept that R ongoing. For ten years he was faithful in a sexless relationship. When she went elsewhere, it changed his outlook.

 

It's not a justification, I simply believe we are affected by our environment and relationships. I find it over-simplification to say 'Person X is a cheat, regardless'.

[Breezy Trousers]

 

I know my bf feels that he would never have strayed had his wife not left him for someone else, and then kept that R ongoing. For ten years he was faithful in a sexless relationship. When she went elsewhere, it changed his outlook.

 

It's not a justification, I simply believe we are affected by our environment and relationships. I find it over-simplification to say 'Person X is a cheat, regardless'.

 

Sorry, Silly, but that is justification.

 

MM's wife created a different climate for their marriage through her actions, so, yes, she is responsible for her choices in the marriage. However, but she is not responsible for MM's choices outside of the marriage. He had many other options available to him within the marriage. He also could have gotten a divorce. Fact is, no one put a gun to his head and forced him to be unfaithful. He's chose to cheat, so, as ugly as it is, that makes him a cheater.

 

(Passivity in a marriage is still a choice.)

[Breezy Trousers]

That is something that I have come to realize as well. That's why I think that the cheat has nothing to do with the spouse/SO - it would happen no matter who the cheater is with - because its about what's missing within them.

 

I have also learned through my experiences that its really hard to look within yourself and address all the hurts we have inside us. I went through that in therapy because of what the A brought out in me - those issues where there long before xMM - he just really brought them out.

 

I truly believe that he has his own issues - that most cheaters have their own issues, and rather than face them (a difficult and scary process) - they self medicate (whether its alcohol, drugs, cheating, etc..)

 

That's actually one of the reasons why I don't hate xMM. I sure as @#!*% don't like him, but I don't hate him, because I know how damaged he is - I just feel sorry for him and those that he is capable of hurting.

 

 

Out of all the wise things you shared with us, this one struck me the hardest. So very true in my experience, too.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry, Silly, but that is justification.

 

MM's wife created a different climate for their marriage through her actions, so, yes, she is responsible for her choices in the marriage. However, but she is not responsible for MM's choices outside of the marriage. He had many other options available to him within the marriage. He also could have gotten a divorce. Fact is, no one put a gun to his head and forced him to be unfaithful. He's chose to cheat, so, as ugly as it is, that makes him a cheater.

 

(Passivity in a marriage is still a choice.)

 

No. If I said that he felt he had a right to cheat, that would be different. I'm explaining what happened to influence his chance in stance. It's called context. He's never claimed he was right to cheat, I'm simply saying he believes he never would have. Our experiences contribute to our reactions, it's only natural; we none of us are clean slates once fully in to adulthood and living our lives.

[Silly_Girl]

No. If I said that he felt he had a right to cheat, that would be different. I'm explaining what happened to influence his chance in stance. It's called context. He's never claimed he was right to cheat, I'm simply saying he believes he never would have. Our experiences contribute to our reactions, it's only natural; we none of us are clean slates once fully in to adulthood and living our lives.

 

Stone Cold.... Where are you when I need ya?

[donnamaybe]

Stone Cold.... Where are you when I need ya?

 

From his posts, it appears he feels he HAS the right to cheat.

[Silly_Girl]

From his posts, it appears he feels he HAS the right to cheat.

 

I don't know, not seen those. But I like some arguments he put forward about context and marital behaviours and the stigma attached to some and not others.

 

I don't believe anyone has a free pass to cheat, but - and I'm pretty sure I've written this before! - I find it ignorant and simplistic to suggest there's a cheat gene that renders all life and relationship experiences irrelevant where future behaviours are concerned. In other issues we recognise the influence external factors may have.... How an abusive spouse/stress at work/being cheated on/debt issues/bereavement/depression may affect an individual, but we're scared to acknowledge it might be a factor in infidelity, lest we are seen to accept it as an EXCUSE. Let's not pretend it's an excuse, but let's also not pretend it's NOT a factor?

[TigerCub]

Hhhmmmm.... That's a bit Nature/Nurture.

 

"A cheater is born a cheater. It matters not what happens around them, they either will, or won't".

I'm sure I never wrote anything like that, because I don't believe that to be true at all.

I don't think someone is born a cheater, or someone is born a liar, or whatever.....

 

Yet most people I read in-depth posts from on here readily admit their actions are heavily influenced by experiences. 'X happened, I was feeling Y. Next, Z happened'.

 

I know my bf feels that he would never have strayed had his wife not left him for someone else, and then kept that R ongoing. For ten years he was faithful in a sexless relationship. When she went elsewhere, it changed his outlook.

 

It's not a justification, I simply believe we are affected by our environment and relationships. I find it over-simplification to say 'Person X is a cheat, regardless'.

 

We are affected by our environment and what happens to us. That is true.

But if someone lets say had a really bad childhood, had a lot of abandonment issues, had a lot of 'daddy' or 'mommy' issues, those issues are a result of their environment and their past - would you not agree with that?

 

Then lets say that all that hurt just gets bottled up and just simmers and never gets addressed - what do people do to ease their pain?

They know that there is something there, they know that they are depressed or feeling some voids, so they find their drug of choice if they never address these issues - I believe that in many cases that drug of choice could be an affair - given the right circumstances.

 

They don't realize they're doing this because of the past issues, they don't realize they are doing X to avoid dealing with Y.

 

That's why I do believe that it doesn't matter who they are with (if the BS is an amazing hot looking very sexual, dreamboat) they will still seek out their drug, they will still act out to fill their voids.

 

I didn't say that they were born cheaters.

But most cheaters are conflict avoiders - I think most people will agree on that one - so they are more likely to avoid even looking within themselves and doing the hard task of dealing with their own issues.

 

Maybe what I said doesn't stand for all cheaters and all participants in affairs - I can't possibly know how it works for the whole world, but from my experience and from reading everything here, I do believe that a majority of them are like I explained.

[TigerCub]

Good post TC

 

I don't know what to add;...Affairs are just so painful for everyone involved. My xMW suffered a lot (she cried in front of me many times) and I did too... Sometimes I think I'm over her and I feel peace but sometimes triggers come back and I just feel so damn sad...why did it had to be that way? At those moments I feel like crying..

Oh East, I know exactly what you mean.

I never cried as much in an R or even in any stretch in my life as I did when I was in the A.

 

I have been heartbroken by R before but nothing can compare to an A ! Never the high has been so high and the low so low...The moments we shared were like a dream and the pain was like hell. It is awful !

When I think about the beggining of the A, I thought she would divorce and we would be happily ever after...How naive I was.

 

I have learned so much from this. I will have this scar all my life. I will do my best for my future spouse and never take her for granted. Love is fragile.

 

Its all about learning. I can't stress this enough - I never, in my life thought I would be in that position - EVER, and I was and I learned so much.

 

I think that's the good thing to get out of it, is that now you understand that dynamic, you know the pain it causes for real, and you just want to treasure that lucky lady who I will call future wife for now

[TigerCub]

This is the profound conclusion I too came to as a former faithful spouse.

 

And you do get a glimpse of how broken and sad your WS is, alternating in my case, with how angry and blaming he was of me after DDay.

 

What did not help is that anger was fueled by his xOW, something I would not realize for a very long time, and no, she was not your typical OW.

 

And I believe you sit there in pain and confusion and rage, and yet still know something is very damaged in your WS, but still you have a lot of decisions to make and you do not feel ready to do anything but lick your wounds and try to function.

 

Those of us who have successfully reconciled, for the most part, saw our spouse work so hard to fix themselves, to grow stronger, to fight for the marriage, to fight for themselves.

 

I would not be here today, not for love or money, if I did not experience first hand strong and empowering changes in this man.

 

Like I said to him, If the affair made you happy, why the hell were you so sad for so long?

 

WOW Spark, that part in bold I can't even imagine.

I know that what I'm going to say next is probably an understatement, but it just seems like it would be an emotional overload to just have all these different feelings that range all over the spectrum and to bounce between them all throughout the same hour - add that to the matter or pride and your own pain and wounds - wow, I honestly can't imagine what that would be like.

 

You're such a strong person

[TigerCub]

Silly_girl,

 

I also wanted to add, that I'm mainly posting with regards to serial cheaters (that's who my experience was with).

 

I do believe that some people can cheat once (mainly in the form of a ONS) and not cheat again - but people who repeatedly cheat - that's who I'm was making my statements about.