fleur_de_me Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 OK- so my ex broke it off with me unexpectedly about two weeks before I left for grad school (July 2010). Our relationship was amazing and to be honest I was completely caught off guard. I realize I was going away for grad school, but it was something we'd discussed and he supported my decision and we'd talked about how we were going to deal with it for months....until he suddenly decided otherwise. We were on and off NC for the first few months, but I decided after Christmas to go full NC to try to really move past things. He emailed a few times in Feb. and March, but I ignored the breadcrumbs and he didn't try again. I've healed a lot and feel like NC is starting to be counter-productive for me, and I'm ready to make contact, even if it means just being friends. I'm going to be back in New York where he lives for 2 months this summer, and have been debating whether I make contact now or wait till I'm in town and then try to meet up. Part of me kind of wants to wait and just run into him, as I think it might be better to catch him off guard. There have been no bad feelings between us, and in fact the last time I saw him he really wanted to spend time with me (took off from work so we could hang out), but things were still too raw for me and I had a lot of emotions and kind of ruined things (plus I got sick, such a turn-off!). I'd like to see him and be cool and see where things go, and if he's moved on or only wants to be friends, I'm at a place where I can deal with that. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have broken up if I hadn't moved away, we were amazing together, but he has major baggage from past relationships and I think it affected how he dealt with our relationship (girl went to grad school, cheated on him, got pregnant by someone else and lied about it being his baby, etc etc). Thoughts on this?
Author fleur_de_me Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I'm going nuts trying to figure out what to do....please someone give me some advice! It has taken a lot for me not to pick up the phone and call, but I want to be cool and not ruin chances to at least see him and hang out on good terms.
TaraMaiden Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I've healed a lot and feel like NC is starting to be counter-productive for me, and I'm ready to make contact, even if it means just being friends. No.... you're not.... I'm going to be back in New York where he lives for 2 months this summer, and have been debating whether I make contact now or wait till I'm in town and then try to meet up. Part of me kind of wants to wait and just run into him, as I think it might be better to catch him off guard. Why 'catch him off guard'? to what purpose? "Hi! Well fancy seeing you here again! Oh my goodness, how long has it been? It's so great to see you! fancy picking up where we left off??" I don't think so, really, do you....? There have been no bad feelings between us, and in fact the last time I saw him he really wanted to spend time with me (took off from work so we could hang out), but things were still too raw for me and I had a lot of emotions and kind of ruined things (plus I got sick, such a turn-off!). I'd like to see him and be cool and see where things go, and if he's moved on or only wants to be friends, I'm at a place where I can deal with that. I'm pretty sure we wouldn't have broken up if I hadn't moved away, we were amazing together, but he has major baggage from past relationships and I think it affected how he dealt with our relationship (girl went to grad school, cheated on him, got pregnant by someone else and lied about it being his baby, etc etc). Thoughts on this? I've truly never come across a more true saying than this: "It's the one who cares the least who controls the most." How would you feel if you ran into him, and he had a beautiful girl on his arm? Unaware of your presence, he was kissing her and hugging her, and getting up close and personal with her...? Would you think:- "Aaaw, that's so sweet! he has a girlfriend and he looks so happy, I think that is such a cute picture, bless!" Because if you don't think that - you are no way ready to catch him off guard. You're still hung up on him, and really, if it's over - then stop looking at all the cute things that made you such a great couple, and focus instead on why it stopped working. It stopped working because he didn't want it to work any more.
Author fleur_de_me Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) I actually think knowing would be better than not knowing at this point what is going on with his life. I haven't stopped living my life in the last year, and have been successful in building a new life in a new town, doing well at school, and even dating (although I feel like it I'm at a place where it is better to focus on myself for a while). The longer I separate myself from him and the relationship, the easier it is to idealize things. I actually do believe I've healed enough at this point to have a friendship and be cool with things. I don't see why I can't make the decision to reconnect as long as my expectations aren't completely ridiculous. I've been NC for six months without a hiccup, even after he reached out to me. At almost a year after the break-up, I don't think it is unreasonable for me to say I'm at a different place now. We have a lot of mutual friends and it would be nice if the two of us could all hang out and not have to worry about things being uncomfortable. We shared a lot together and I think it is stupid to insist on being NC forever. In my opinion, that looks like I care more. While I will be the first to admit this is the first time in my life I've been hurt (and I'm 28), I still maintain great friendships with my other ex's and see them and talk to them on occasion. I prefer to keep people in my life who have meant something to me. It would be nice, and I think the final step in my healing, if I could at least have that with this ex. My life would seem more at peace, because not knowing and feeling like I "have" to ignore him and act like he doesn't exist is not what I want anymore. Is that really so crazy? Edited May 19, 2011 by fleur_de_me
TaraMaiden Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 So why try to go to all the trouble of orchestrating a 'chance encounter'...? Just call him and tell him you're going to be in the neighbourhood, how about getting together for a coffee? As it stands, you have nothing to lose. Just be open, frank, honest and friendly. If he turns you down, he's clearly not in a place where he feels it would be either comfortable or advisable to meet. No matter what you think.
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