xDelusionalx Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Ill keep this as short as possible and I want to say in advance I kind of already know the answer but its just really hard to do. Ive been with my bf for 4 years. (5 of the last 6 we broke up for a full year in between and didnt speak) and in the last 6 months or so things have gotten REALLY bad. We were always semi long distance and this past year we went to the same college (im 23 hes 24 we are both returning students) the first semested was great however he is rooming with 4 single guys 3-4 years younger then he is. This past semester he started to accuse me of "smothering him" when really I just wanted to spend time with him. he was taking 6 classes (1 of which I did half the work in and 1 I recomended the teacher and was an easy A) and by spending time with him I didnt mean I wanted his undivided attention etc. I was happy bringing my laptop and playing my online video game while he played xbox and just being around each other. He started pulling away and treating me like crap. I felt worthless and useless and like everything I did was wrong. He called me stupid, he called me pathetic, and crazy. Mind you at the same time HE was allowed to do whatever he wanted, he could go where he wanted when he wanted. Me on the other hand..I had no friends cause I dont tend to get along with girls well (my idea of a good night is playing video games and catching the nhl playoffs) and i wasnt allowed to have guy friends without him flipping out. (i did go to a hockey game with a good friend he ENCOURAGED me to go to and hasnt let me live it down since) Now about a month ago things changed because I met another guy. My bf and I got into a major battle cause he lied to me AGAIN over something stupid just cause he thought it would cause a fight. (mind u weve had other issues over the 4 yrs) and we nearly broke up...i actually pathetically begged him not to break up with me..even though he was the one who was wrong... I should also clarify here, I have talked to him about EXACTLY what was wrong. Im not asking for alot. Im asking for normal things from a relationship. For him to care when im sick, or to surprise me with like 3$ shoprite flowers every once and a while, to take me out WITHOUT his roommates tagging along. Ive also asked him about the future. I know EXACTLY what i want to do. He doesnt. I know my job could cause me to travel, he isnt willing to follow, or do long distance. He doesnt think relationships should be "work" and gets annoyed ANY time i want to have a serious convo and accuses me of starting fights. anyway this guy I talk to was a friend and we just started talking more and more. Pretty much all the stuff ive been dieing to hear from my bf lately this other guy tells me. I have like 0 self confidence thanks to my bf and this guy has no problem telling me 100 times a day that im beautiful and smart and funny and amazing. Lately things have been better between me and my bf....but im pretty sure its only cause im getting what I need emotionally from this other guy... I love my bf...I think I do anyway...or more so im PETRIFIED to leave him and make a mistake...but im also petrified to stay and miss out on something that could be great. Im really at a loss but its unfair of me to both of them (the guy knows about my bf..my bf knows about my "friend" he does not know that im falling in love with him...) but there are a few catches 1-my friend lives 4 hours away he makes very good money, and is willing to split travel and even pay for me to come see him since he knows im not working while im in school. He doesnt see this as a problem...i am very unsure of it. 2-the thought of losing my ex nearly paralyzes me. i think its almost like a drug addiction...i dont even know what i love about him anymore... 3-I dont want to hurt either of them and at this point i know i have absolutly no choice because i was very selfish and the one that keeps pushing me to break up with my bf.. My friend is my age (slightly younger) with a college degree and a career. He has his life set, he is looking FORWARD instead of trying to relive being 20 like my bf. He comes from a good family, his parents are still together, he understands relationships are work and take work, he can actually talk about the future instead of being afraid of it... My bfs mother walked out on his family. his brother is married and ANYTHING that goes wrong in his brothers life he blames on his sister inlaw. Nothing seems to be his fault. Nothing is ever good enough for him. When I ask about the future (again weve been together 4 years) he tells me he doesnt know...which would be fine accept i DO know I know this is long but I can really use some advice...even though Im pretty sure im just asking for someone to tell me what I already know....
EgoJoe Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Whatever you do, be honest. Talk to your boyfriend about these problems.
Kodo Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Never trust a man that will push you out of your current relationship.
Author xDelusionalx Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) Thats the thing is i HAVE tried talking to him. and im very upfront, not one of those "well you should know what you're doing wrong" girls. Every time I bring it up he either accuses me of purposly picking fights or of being "the most dramatic girl hes ever met" or telling me life isnt a fairy tale (im glad asking to feel wanted for a moment is a fairy tale..) He hasnt listened to me in months, and lately since hes home and away from his roommates hes been a LITTLE more understanding, I tried to bring it up tonight and was told to wait till Im not sick cause being sick is just putting me in a bad mood and hes too tired to discuss it now. When hes around his roommates hes to busy acting like a jerk and a womanizer cause he thinks it makes him look cool. He also doesnt believe in breaks which I really could use right now. A chance to let him consider what I mean to him...and for me to figure out what he and this other guy mean to me. and Kodo he isnt pushing me at all, he isnt even asking me out or being even slightly innappropriate (i guess minus telling me im amazing and beautiful when im crying to him about being called worthless and awful and being lied to) im not even sure he has feelings for me...but if I feel this strongly about someone else how can I honestly say I still love my ex. As I said I cant even remember what I love about him minus the memories Edited May 19, 2011 by xDelusionalx
EgoJoe Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 If your boyfriend asked for some time to talk about it then it was smart move. Putting space between the Stimulus and the Response is a good idea. Something I wish I would have learned sooner. Give it time. Don't try to force anything, but, don't wait forever. Calmly ask him when he'd like to sort these issues out and then take some time off until then. Breaks are good; even when they are bad. Because, they will usher in the inevitable result that might in fact be delayed by emotional attachment. Goodluck and mad props for seeking out advice.
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