Author Chitowngirl Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 A good example of disparate style, without abuse or criminal activity, is a family who values and respects privacy versus a family who is all up in each other's business, gossiping and injecting themselves into the intimacies of other family members. While not reflective of my M (my exW had a grossly abusive childhood and was molested and often commented derisively on my 'Beaver Cleaver' childhood), such disparities in family 'style', if a couple is not extremely balanced and cohesive, can mount irreconcilable familial differences in many of the important areas of marriage, including privacy, money and children. It doesn't have to be dysfunctional to be incompatible. Further, a child of a dysfunctional family has/had no control over that circumstance, only how they process it as an adult. Each circumstance is different. I will say, with a lot of life under my belt, the effects of marked dysfunction, like my exW endured, seem to stick with people throughout life, outlasting postive experiences and with the benefit of therapy. I sympathize with them but won't return to the co-dependent behaviors of the past. Life is too short. So if you were dating a woman who you said was "perfect...a good partner.. a great person.." and you wanted her to move in with you after dating for 1 week.. and then you found out details about her family -- which did NOT include sexual abuse -- you would end the relationship immediately? It just seems premature and ignorant to me. His 2nd ex wife was sexually abused, and she turned out to be a raging alcoholic drug user, etc, since he married her after only 4 months of dating and he didn't know much about her. I understand his concern about my family, since he was burned by his crazy ex-wife, but I'm confused why he would say I was perfect, etc, and then end it abruptly without dating me for say the typical 3-6 months to see if my family really was "that bad" and how they affected our relationship.
carhill Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 IMO, he has his own issues which have nothing to do with your or his family. Having been married twice, he should have learned from those experiences. Your recounting contradicts what would normally be one aspect of learning, that being to take one's time with romantic relationships, as you suggested, so my armchair assessment is that he has a perhaps incompatible attachment style with your own. Another possibility is that he met someone else. It happens.
ladyinlimbo Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 Has this happened to anyone else? I have a very dysfunctional family; mostly due to my 4 sisters marrying complete losers, murder in the family from outside sources, shootings due to outside sources...it's not your typical perfect family. Despite all those things, I have never been to jail, addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc, am college educated, no kids, no marriages.. no debt, own my car and have a good job. I saw a man for 1 week - 5 full days in the week - and the day after I left (during our visits he said I was perfect, he wanted me to move in with him, be his girlfriend..), he said our families were too different and he couldn't see himself dating me long term because of that. Is this a rational response? Or is he covering up another reason? It just really bothered me b/c I didn't choose my family and do not have the issues my family members do. Have you heard this excuse before? Holy sheep sh*te on a popsicle stick...........who cares what he thinks about your family?......let's focus on the fact that after knowing you a mere 5 days he asked you to move in with him and for you to be his girlfriend. The guy's a nutter and from following the "I want you to move in with me" conversation, anything that came from his mouth didn't count -- crazy phocker, wouldn't you say?
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