Chitowngirl Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Has this happened to anyone else? I have a very dysfunctional family; mostly due to my 4 sisters marrying complete losers, murder in the family from outside sources, shootings due to outside sources...it's not your typical perfect family. Despite all those things, I have never been to jail, addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc, am college educated, no kids, no marriages.. no debt, own my car and have a good job. I saw a man for 1 week - 5 full days in the week - and the day after I left (during our visits he said I was perfect, he wanted me to move in with him, be his girlfriend..), he said our families were too different and he couldn't see himself dating me long term because of that. Is this a rational response? Or is he covering up another reason? It just really bothered me b/c I didn't choose my family and do not have the issues my family members do. Have you heard this excuse before?
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 murder in the family from outside sources shootings due to outside sources That would probably scare me enough to not see someone again. I'd be concerned for my safety.
Sabali Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Unfortunately, those family issues are a heavy load. It is hard to separate yourself from a completely dysfunctional family no matter how hard you try. I remember living with an ex who was straight as an arrow but had some family issues. Of course the time came when one of her crazy cousins wanted to stay over for a few nights because he had no where else to go and I felt like I had to constantly keep an eye on my $#!+ because he had no where else to go. As you can guess she "just couldn't turn family away." It's hard to separate yourself from family. I understand that guy.
Sanman Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I once dated a girl briefly who admitted her dad worked for the mob and was in jail. My family is far from perfect, but that was too much for me. Especially since her family issues were affecting our relationship.
Arikel Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 He said you were perfect and wanted you to move in after 5 days? Hmmm mm...well I'd be wary of HIM actually
Knittress Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) I've read other threads on this site where people have mentioned this bias against people from dysfunctional homes. I didn't think it was fair, either. Heh, as if "fair" has ever counted for much in the world... I think, if anything, I value the idea of devotion and stability all the more. Edited May 19, 2011 by Knittress
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 He said you were perfect and wanted you to move in after 5 days? Hmmm mm...well I'd be wary of HIM actually That's a very good point.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 There's no right or wrong in what he did, ultimately it came down to fundamental values. If family plays an important part in his life then yes, as unfair as it sounds, he has a legitimate reason why he can't date you. Personally, I'm from an Asian background with very conservative and ( sometimes) backward views when it comes to dating/relationships. My family almost always place an emphasize on another person's background.
Sanman Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I've read other threads on this site where people have mentioned this bias against people from dysfunctional homes. I didn't think it was fair, either. Heh, as if "fair" has ever counted for much in the world... I think, if anything, I value the idea of devotion and stability all the more. As I learned, sometimes dysfunctional families lead can lead to the opposite as well...as I have learned.
Fastone Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Chitowngirl, yes this bias happens. People with different backgrounds may not be able to relate to your situation. I asked a question here due to my family background which may be similar to yours, and was basically told that it's best to just be vague about 'problematic' family members.
bac Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) Have you heard this excuse before? If he is looking for a LTR/or a wife, it is a big problem because he will need to deal/communicate with your family all the time. And, it might make his life very terrible. But, your guy is just a player because he told you that he wanted to move together after 1 wk of dating Edited May 19, 2011 by bac
Star Gazer Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Sometimes I think my ex found us to be incompatible because of our different backgrounds (him in a [cold] wealthy nuclear family, me in a [warm] poor single-parent [and grammy ] household). We had a difficult time relating because of that, sometimes.
denise_xo Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I haven't been dumped over such a thing but my partner was hugely negative to my family relations for the first five years of my marriage and it put a real strain on our relationship at times. Coming from a dysfunctional family myself, I agree that it both creates baggage but also opportunities for change and taking a hard look at yourself, like Knittress is saying.
thatone Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Has this happened to anyone else? I have a very dysfunctional family; mostly due to my 4 sisters marrying complete losers, murder in the family from outside sources, shootings due to outside sources...it's not your typical perfect family. Despite all those things, I have never been to jail, addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc, am college educated, no kids, no marriages.. no debt, own my car and have a good job. I saw a man for 1 week - 5 full days in the week - and the day after I left (during our visits he said I was perfect, he wanted me to move in with him, be his girlfriend..), he said our families were too different and he couldn't see himself dating me long term because of that. Is this a rational response? Or is he covering up another reason? It just really bothered me b/c I didn't choose my family and do not have the issues my family members do. Have you heard this excuse before? asking you to move in after one week?. i think he was way too attached, realized it, then thought of a reason to convince himself to push you away.
Eddie Edirol Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 If he is looking for a LTR/or a wife, it is a big problem because he will need to deal/communicate with your family all the time. And, it might make his life very terrible. But, your guy is just a player because he told you that he wanted to move together after 1 wk of dating I also think he was a player and used the family thing as an out. He probably used that excuse for a woman with a good family too, anyone can nitpick at anything if theyre looking for excuses to get out. On the other hand, I wouldnt date a woman with a troubled family either. The biggest reason is because I wouldnt want to subject my own family to that. Best bet is to find someone like you who has a crappy family and is in minimal communication with them.
irc333 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 That would probably scare me enough to not see someone again. I'd be concerned for my safety. Holy cow, just hearing this post gave me chills and made me want to flee such a relationship. THis is far from the typical dysfunctional family, it looks like there's prominant criminal behavior in the family.
Darren Taylor Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Granted the guy is no angel, but mob ties and criminal behavior? Yeah, I'd have to say I'd bolt as well.
carhill Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 When one marries another person, we marry their family. Marked disparities in family 'style' can become dealbreakers. Having been married to someone with a markedly disparate family style, I would never do it again. I might date/casually associate with such a person, but never cohabit nor marry them. YMMV.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I think you need to distance yourself from your family. It's clear that they're causing you strife.
Author Chitowngirl Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Chitowngirl, yes this bias happens. People with different backgrounds may not be able to relate to your situation. I asked a question here due to my family background which may be similar to yours, and was basically told that it's best to just be vague about 'problematic' family members. Thanks, I will be more vague in the future.
Author Chitowngirl Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 asking you to move in after one week?. i think he was way too attached, realized it, then thought of a reason to convince himself to push you away. YES! Thank you! That is what I started to believe..because it was all too weird...trying very hard to move on and forget I ever met him.
Author Chitowngirl Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 That would probably scare me enough to not see someone again. I'd be concerned for my safety. murder was 10 years ago, from a non-related family member, who is now dead. Robbery/shooting was 20 years ago, from a robber who robbed my family restaurant. Not like we're in the Mob or gangs, etc.
Author Chitowngirl Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 When one marries another person, we marry their family. Marked disparities in family 'style' can become dealbreakers. Having been married to someone with a markedly disparate family style, I would never do it again. I might date/casually associate with such a person, but never cohabit nor marry them. YMMV. Thanks. His 2nd wife had a crazy family, so maybe that made him very cautious. Oh well. He wasn't perfect either.
Author Chitowngirl Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 I think you need to distance yourself from your family. It's clear that they're causing you strife. No, I am distanced already. I just shared too much to someone who couldn't relate.
carhill Posted May 22, 2011 Posted May 22, 2011 A good example of disparate style, without abuse or criminal activity, is a family who values and respects privacy versus a family who is all up in each other's business, gossiping and injecting themselves into the intimacies of other family members. While not reflective of my M (my exW had a grossly abusive childhood and was molested and often commented derisively on my 'Beaver Cleaver' childhood), such disparities in family 'style', if a couple is not extremely balanced and cohesive, can mount irreconcilable familial differences in many of the important areas of marriage, including privacy, money and children. It doesn't have to be dysfunctional to be incompatible. Further, a child of a dysfunctional family has/had no control over that circumstance, only how they process it as an adult. Each circumstance is different. I will say, with a lot of life under my belt, the effects of marked dysfunction, like my exW endured, seem to stick with people throughout life, outlasting postive experiences and with the benefit of therapy. I sympathize with them but won't return to the co-dependent behaviors of the past. Life is too short.
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