Did they meet?

[missconfused80]

Hello Everyone,

I have been reading the forum for a few days now, and think I am ready for some advice or to hear others stories of what they did. So here is my detailed story...

 

My H and I married at 18, after already having one child. We did not marry for the child, as that is not the responsible thing to do. We waiting over a year after it was born, and we had good jobs, a home of our own etc, etc. We have been together for 15 years, and married for 13 of them. Have an okay sex life, nothing over the top, with 3 kids now, jobs, etc, etc. we manage to find the time. He works out of town now and again, but I have always had complete trust in him, and do not mind guys nights outs and all that. I am not his keeper, he does not have to check in with me and tell me where he is going every second, and he is not mine. We have good communication on who is doing what when, what is going on with the kids, and find the time to go out as a couple a few times a month, if not more. To me I had the perfect set up... I should have known.

 

A few weeks ago, we were working outside, his phone rang, I answered it, talked to a mutual friend and hung up (nothing out of the ordinary) When I hung up the phone, I hit the mobile web by accident. Up popped Yahoo mail, with an email account already signed in. There were several emails about erotic chat, bi curious, an online dating site etc. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do, it didn't register at first what I was seeing. I shut the mobile web off, told him his friend called, and we went about our day. A few days later, he had to go out of town for the night. I logged into Yahoo and using the email address, was able to guess the password, and gain access to the mystery email address. There were several emails from the days and weeks before. Pictures going back and forth between my H, other women, couples, and other men. Non of them showed my H's face, but come on, I knew who it was. The emails were very short. Basically saying that I was not willing to experiment sexually, and that he was looking for a women, couple, or another man that was willing to try different things with him... must be descrete of course!

I watched the email account off and on for the rest of the night, a few emails back and forth, talking about meeting up, erotic stories, pictures, but nothing concrete saying he was meeting anyone. He was out of town with a co-worker, so guessing that is why no meetings. I continued to watch the account, checked his phone when I had chances looking for odd text messages, photos, phone numbers, and there was nothing, just the email account.

 

Last Thursday he went out of town again, but just for the day. I of course logged in and checked the account, and was amazed to find that he was emailing another guy about meeting up that afternoon, while he was out of town. He was by himself, the emails went back and forth, then the other guy told him the hotel and room number where he was. The response from my H was "K". I have no idea if he actually meet up with this guy or not, and I don't think I have any way of finding out other than out right asking.

 

He is once again out of town, again my himself, for a few days. I again have been checking the email account, and there are several posts from an adult dating site, saying he is looking for a woman, couple, or man to have some fun with while he is out of town.

 

I am very confused, and of course seem to be in a dark room by myself, since I saw no signs of this. Any help, suggestions, similar experiances?

 

Thanks,

Miss Confused

[ShatteredReality]

I would say it sounds like you need to talk to him. When you first found this site you found it innocently enough...it's not like you were checking up on him. He says you're not willing to try new things when he puts these ads up - is that true or is that a blatant lie? The reason I ask is because you need to evaluate that - if it's true then he will try to use that as his excuse. That doesn't make it ok, but it's a warning to be prepared for it.

 

He cannot deny it at this point with how much you already know...personally I believe it's best to get these things out in the open before more damage is done. There is no way to know if he's meeing people until you do that and if he is you're putting yourself in danger of getting a disease.

[Linda9999]

Does it really matter if they actually met up or not?? It didn't matter to me one iota. He was/is looking, and that to me = cheating.

[seren]

I have to agree with SR, asking straight out would be my approach, TBH I am amazed you didn't go to the hotel the meeting was at. I would also ask myself what now? what can be forgiven, what are the next steps for you? I would also check myself in for an STD check as soon as I could.

 

This must be hard for you as it is so calculated and I wonder if you trust anyone IRL to share and have support. My advice is to look at what your next moves will be and tell him you know, and then keep coming back to LS, venting and getting support, there may be someone with similar experiences who has better advice. Take care x

[ComputerJock]

Get an STD check, he is playing with a loaded gun and you are in danger of catching an STD that could be fatal.

[blueroses10]

If I were a betting person, I would say that they met and ask if it matters to you whether the person is male or female. I felt sick to my stomach reading your post and can only imagine how you must feel.

 

I wouldn't show my hand until I had more proof because it will only allow the affairs to go more underground and you won't get the answers you need.

 

I would also follow the advice given about getting checked for STD's and see an attorney. That's if you will not be able to forgive or live with the fact that he not only cheated but with the opposite sex.

[Silly_Girl]

Hello miss, this sounds horrific for you. I also thing you need to put your H on the spot and get an honest exchange going.

 

However, I think it would be good if you were first able to understand what you might want as an outcome from this. If you know you want to try and work things out with him, your stance and questions might be different than not. Or maybe you need all the info before you can think about that stuff...

 

I really hope you have someone in real life you can turn to/talk to.

[greengoddess]

I would have shown up at the hotel or hired a pi to.

[nyrias]

Does it really matter if they actually met up or not?? It didn't matter to me one iota. He was/is looking, and that to me = cheating.

 

Of course it does. For once, if they do not meet up, there is no risks of STD and i think forgiveness will be a lot tougher with the possibility of STD (or the actual STD).

 

It is not a one or zero thing. There is bad, worse, and worst.

[love4me2c]

Obviously stop having sex with him. Continue to gather evidence. As hard as this is, tell yourself that there is no way to control another person. Even if confronted with the info, as someone else said, it will push it underground not necessarily stop it.

 

If you can't afford a PI, then do it yourself. Not to blow smoke up your arse, but I've heard of some people who are all talk and no game on these sites. It is possible he did not show up. Did you write down that person's number? You could text/call them and see what went down?

 

I wished I had more self control to have gathered more evidence about my WH infidelities, but as soon as I knew I confronted him. I regret that. I regret it because I still do not know the extent of my WH's affair or lies. I'm now separated as a result because in my mind, it went on for a long time, but I truly have no idea.

 

I think the more information you have about this situation, the more prepared you will be to deal with it. Whether it means divorce or reconciliation. Good luck to you.. this has to be really really tough on you.

[luvbun80]

You know, I am going to play the devil's advocate here, and give you a possible point of view as a faithful but sexually frustrated married man of 31. If you read some of the posts in here you already know that men and women have a completely different approach to sex so I hope it will help you to have at least an inkling of what is going on in the XY side of the chromosome fence. Then I am going to duck out of the thread because I have seen how much that point of view can be appreciated on LS

 

You have been together since you were 16 so it's safe to say that there was not much experimentation outside of the couple. The guy knows that, and he has this constant bombardment from the media - 3-some, anal sex, gay sex, bdsm, whatever. It's almost impossible to not be at least curious (although TBH neither one of those are my thing - I'd be happy with a good BJ once in a while). Not to mention the Levitra commercials reminding him daily that there are only so many years left in his sexual prime. So whether or not he has already acted on these (as long as it was with all necessary precaution w.r.t STD, i.e. protected sex AND making sure the partner is disease free, otherwise, it is criminal, and you should totally go Lorena Bobbit on his dick), the question is what do *YOU* want in your life. Stop thinking about what he is in relation to you, but rather about what you are (or can be) in relation to him.

 

Either you put your foot down and draw the line where you think it should be. Then he might either have an epiphany and realize the errors of his ways, settle down grudgingly, go behind your back more carefully, or leave.

 

Or you decide you want no part of the stuff but want him to be fulfilling whatever he thinks needs fulfilling and declare the season open. Honestly it wouldn't be my thing (fear of STD, for one, also I think it could easily escalate into some pretty unhealthy thrill seeking), but to each his own.

 

Or you decide you want to try and meet him half way and experiment with him, and maybe it's not your thing, and yeah, anal sex can hurt, but hey, everybody has to make sacrifices, and you really only have to do it once (I would never have it with my wife again because I can tell that she really hated it, but I am still grateful that she would do that for me, it sounds stupid but 9 years later it's still something that keeps me attached to her, not so much for the act itself but for the sacrifice it represented) Of course you still have to set some boundaries, you know, there are some things you can be uncomfortable with and still do, and there are some things that can be totally off limit, he must understand that, and also understand that it's not an excuse to go get it elsewhere. To make a terrible analogy, I may be curious about heroin, but would never try it, for I have seen what it does - I could snort coke though, given the right circumstances (not terribly likely, but hopefully you get the point).

 

Or you think that he's a pervert and want him out of your life forever... which is the attitude advocated in the previous posts... and in our society you certainly have a right to that, I hope maybe I have shown what a tolerant attitude could be like, I am sure it is too much for many (as well as against some religions) but may it be food for thoughts at least. After 15 years I think it's worth giving it a good mulling over rather than automatically go with the conventional attitude.

 

Anyway, my point was to maybe look at it more from a "so you want to experiment" PoV rather than a "so you have betrayed me". Either way I think you still need to give him hell for going behind your back in the first place because there is no question that it is wrong, I tell you in all honesty as a man, do not try and sweep it under or assume that his "phase has passed". And remember if he did expose you to STD you need to cut his dick and put it through the grinder so he can't do it to anyone else. Finally please take all the above with a grain of salt because almost none is based on my actual experience, just gut feelings.

 

Good luck, I hope you 2 can work things out, 15 years and 3 kids though, that's a crazy thing to gamble just because you want to know what it's like to feel another guy's dick, I have to say it, tolerant attitude or not.

[missconfused80]

Hello all, well after reading all the posts, I decided that there were definetly a few things that I needed to clear up. As in not knowing if he has meet with this guy he has been talking to, etc. So knowing that he was stuck in meetings all day today, and could not check his email account. I logged in and sent an email to the other guy. I beat around the bush a little, and didn't come right out and say that we (me as my H) had meet. I got the response I was hoping for, the other guy asked what happened and why I never showed. I replyed back saying that I (my H) was uncertain about the whole thing and that is why I (my H) didn't know if it was the right thing for me, and that I didn't want to run the risk of loosing my wife, asking him not to contact me (my H) again. I then deleted and blocked the email address. So, unless my H has a wonderful memory, which he doesn't He will have no way to contact this guy again. I then set up an email account myself, and sent an email to my H, making it look like it was coming from one of the dating sites he signed up for. I emailed saying I wanted to talk and get to know him before meeting. I wasn't very surprised when I received and email back from him. Saying he understood, and he would love to chat. We instant messaged back and forth for awhile, me trying to ask as many questions as I could, without him getting suspicious. I was surprised when he answered the questions, and asked them back to me. He then started asking me other questions, and I answered him. He talked about why he was unhappy at home. Just saying that the only time I wanted to have sex was if we were in bed, and that I was willing to experiment, but he had a hard time asking me to do the things he wanted done.

 

This went on for awhile, and I would like to think that he was being truthful, but then again, if he thought he was talking to some other women, why would he be?

 

I have decided the best and only course of action for me at this point is to come right out and confront him about it. I do feel betrayed that he felt he had to go elsewhere for something that I am more than willing to give. It is not like we have missionary sex, I mean we do it all, I am up for anything. The only thing I can not give him, and he seems to want, is a man. This oddly does not gross me out, turn me off, or anything. I feel sad that it is something that I can not give him. We have talked about three ways, but only with another girl. I am not sure if he feels embarressed to bring the thought of another man up, because I will think he is homosexual, but there is a thing as bi-sexual. I find many women to be very sexy, and have thought about what it would be like to be with them. Why wouldn't he feel the same about a man. Anyways. I am rambling on a bit, but it feels good to be able to write it all out.

 

So, I sent him a text, asking if we could have a night just us tomorrow night, so the kids are out of the house. He said that would be nice, and talked about going to dinner. I said I had something I wanted to talk to him about, and could he just grab something for us on his way home. He said no problem, and asked what was up. I said we would talk about it tomorrow night.

 

Here is my plan. Instead of waiting, and having us both sit through dinner wondering what I have on my mind. I am just going to sit him down, explain that I wanted to talk seriously, that I am open minded to his responses, and I wanted the conversation to be a discussion, not an argument. I will then tell him about finding the email account, I will then wait for his response, because that will decide how I proceed. If he denies it, which would be really stupid, I will keep going and show him print outs of the email messages, saying he was out of town, where he was, and how long he was going to be there. I figure he won't be able to deny that. Then I will tell him how hurt I am, that I found it, and that he felt he couldn't come to me after 15 years and discuss what he was wanting. From there it will depend on his responses. If he truly has not physically cheated, I beleive we can work on things. If he has, there is nothing I can do to help him or us. I refuse to be with someone who wants or was with someone else. This is 100% unacceptable to me, unfair to me, and to our family.

 

I beleive, once a cheater always a cheater. Things may get better but they would never be the same. So there it is. I may not be able to repost until next week, on how things went. But I will update when I can.

 

Again, thank you for the advice. It made me understand the situation better. Just for those wondering. I have made an appointment with my doctor to get tested for STD's, I figure better safe than sorry, as we do not use any type of protection.

 

Miss Confused

[luvbun80]

Wow, I hope he realizes just how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life! Well done with the IM Hope it works out!!