melenkurion Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I didn't think I'd still be getting the anger at this stage. The thing that seems to have set me off is that it's six months since my exH (not divorced) moved into his new flat. The last news I indirectly heard was that once that six months were up, he'd move in with the guy he left me for. I have no idea whatsoever if that's still his plan, but now what day has passed, for some reason that "fact" seems to have made me really, really angry. Sunday evening I ended up dreaming about him, I think for perhaps the first time since the breakup. Why has all this come to the fore? I don't even know for sure if they have moved in together. I should be way, way past caring what they do. They are out of my life, hopefully forever, and it is insulting to the people that genuinely do love and care for me that I am wasting all this emotional energy that I should be investing in the people that matter to me. There has to be something else that I am really angry about. I think I am angry with myself, perhaps, that I am not really where I thought I would be. I thought that after six months I'd be nearly there. Last week I wasn't think about him that much. Then: some imaginary marker I'd stuck on the calendar in my head passes and I start raging again. Perhaps I am angry with myself for not making as much progress as I thought I would? I think I am holding onto this for some reason. I tell myself I am letting go, that I want to move on. But: that rage is a sign that I am still clinging to the wreckage of my old life. I think of my folly in this way: my house has burnt down and seven months later I am still camped out in the smouldering ruins raging uslessly about who left a candle unattended, rather than out there making plans for how to make sure my next home is fireproof. I've stretched the metaphor a bit, but it helps me see how ridiculous this anger is. I read the words about how you have to let this all go, and I really believe that I have to. It's not every day, by any means, but today at work it was hard to function with this burning inside me. Am I clinging to the anger because I am simply too afraid to genuinely move on, and I prefer this because at least it is based in familiarity? If I let the anger go, then I really have let my ex go. I take a little comfort in the hope that maybe this is an example of an extinction burst? A brief moment of frenzied activity before I abandon it. A couple of things that calmed me down: I am in an amateur show. I am not very good, but I enjoy it. The rehearsals for that changed my mood totally yesterday, from angry to content. Again, the same thing happened today when I was practicing on my own, I felt much better while I was doing it.
coltsfan1 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I think that getting angry sometimes is totally sane. Now you have to decide how you channel that feeling, do you crawl into a ball or do you use it to fuel your fire for self improvement? As far as myself I am 9 months NC and there are times I want to pull the first stranger I see aside and put them in a rear naked choke. But the feeling fades after a few memories and minutes pass. Don't be to hard on yourself just focus on you, it is not for you to be concerned with you anymore. You must live day to day till you don't hurt anymore.
Author melenkurion Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I think that getting angry sometimes is totally sane. Now you have to decide how you channel that feeling, do you crawl into a ball or do you use it to fuel your fire for self improvement? Thanks! I am trying to work out a way to channel the feeling into something useful. I don't crawl into a ball, but I have real trouble with being angry. I've been seeing a counsellor, and it's lead me to realise that in my family, anger just wasn't something that was allowed to be expressed. Everything was always smoothed over. It was definitely done with the best of intentions, but the fact is that anger is such a powerful emotion. I need to learn that anger is OK, sometimes. I'd say I'm trying to use it to fuel self-improvement, but I dunno. I'm doing lots of stuff, and trying to work on one or two things that I think I need to sort out. I never want to be in this position again, I never want these feelings again. Even though I feel wretched, at times, I think there is a chance that my emotional health and my self-esteem is actually rather higher now than it was just before I met my ex. As far as myself I am 9 months NC and there are times I want to pull the first stranger I see aside and put them in a rear naked choke. But the feeling fades after a few memories and minutes pass. Don't be to hard on yourself just focus on you, it is not for you to be concerned with you anymore. You must live day to day till you don't hurt anymore. I'm glad the fury fades quite quickly for you. That's encouraging. Did it last longer, previously?
Fern Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Be angry, Melen. Rage and let it out. You have every right to be angry. Maybe it would help you to do what I did and send a letter or email expressing your feelings? I'm feeling so much better these days - I'd say I'm better than I've ever been, actually - but I didn't escape unscathed. I'm very mistrustful of my new beau and very mistrustful of myself and my own instincts. There is no point you're meant to be at by now. Your feelings are neither right nor wrong they simply ARE. Trust that your brain will work through the emotions i needs to work through and you will come out stronger on the other side. xxxx
curiousnycgirl Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I only wish I could get angry - I am still hurt and I still miss him.
coltsfan1 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Mel, to tell you the truth I was angry for months!!! I burnt every bridge to the ex I had, even some that didn't need burnt. I was a mess I regret the way I handled somethings but over all I walked cause it was best for me. I was SO BLESSED to me a new couple that wasn't part of the BS and I talked with them a lot about the situation and listen to them. The husband told me things about my so called friends and the wife told me things about how a woman feels. You have to let it go, if a place, friend or foe get in the way of your healing let them go too. It will hurt like hell in the beginning but you will come out ahead in the end!!!!
Author melenkurion Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 Be angry, Melen. Rage and let it out. You have every right to be angry. Maybe it would help you to do what I did and send a letter or email expressing your feelings? I'm feeling so much better these days - I'd say I'm better than I've ever been, actually - but I didn't escape unscathed. I'm very mistrustful of my new beau and very mistrustful of myself and my own instincts. There is no point you're meant to be at by now. Your feelings are neither right nor wrong they simply ARE. Trust that your brain will work through the emotions i needs to work through and you will come out stronger on the other side. xxxx Hey Fern! It's good to hear from you. There are a couple of reasons I am not sure about the letter or the email: I think he has changed his email address, and I think it pretty likely he has moved house now: the contract on his flat expired a week ago --- in fact, ridiculously, that's the trigger for this round of angry. I'm upset because they may have moved in together. I don't even know if it is true or not. Stupid brain. He's changed his phone number, I can tell that because the bill is in my name, and he isn't using the old phone at all. Also, I think when you wrote that letter, it sounded like you were in a better place than I am just right now. At the moment I can't write anything to him without the anger seeping out. If it's angry, he would never read it. Mind you, perhaps that just doesn't matter? Thank you for saying there is no place I am meant to be at. I need to tell myself that. I can't blame you for the difficulties in trusting Fern. I will say that not everyone is like your ex. Your instincts are well-honed now, but they will take some settling in. It's so encouraging to hear how well you are doing. You've come through the fire better than before, and that is awesome.
Author melenkurion Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 I'm feeling somewhat calmer this week. I think the trigger was my ex's lease running out on his new flat this last week. I'm getting towards: if they are living together, so what? Also, I had thought for a while I might bump into him this weekend. I am volunteering on a stall at an event there was a good chance he might have attended the event. I wanted to do it, but was a little anxious about the chance I might see my ex and OG. I indirectly broke NC and asked a mutual friend if my ex would be there. I've been told there is no chance whatsoever that he will be there ("there are people I might run into that I don't want to see", sez he), and so I feel extremely relieved.
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