Rabbit8 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Hello, I found this site 6-7 months back before my breakup on January 2011 in order to figure out the type of person i was dealing with. Fast-forward 6-months later to now and we are still broken up with no contact and i just have this gut feelign she is already going out with someone else. This feeling knowing that the person who you loved dearly moving on is the worst. I dont have much experience handling this so I need your feedback. To simplify things, we broke up because I was not able to handle the constant lies my ex was telling me. She cheated on another dude in order to be with me. Here's the catch, she said she was single before we even had sex. Naturally, I was furious when I found out something had happened with her and the man she cheated on. I only found out the hard way when the ex and I got into a physical confrontation. As time went by we see the deterioration of the relationship because I just couldnt trust her. Yet, something within tells me differently that this can be sorted out by her actions by showing her devotion to me. This was never the case because my ex would always think the trust issues were my "problems" alone and "not hers". I need help in moving on. I know its ridiculous to say a 23 year old fellow is in pain but I am because I tried very hard to make this work. Now i'm confronted with a paradigm whether any girl I meet in the future should be trusted at all. Even though the relationship which is 3 months. You have to understand that I really did like this girl and let her deep into my soul and true self. Which is why it feels so dissapointing and detrimental to my pysche that i feel like i cannot trust anyone anymore. Edited May 18, 2011 by Rabbit8
Author Rabbit8 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 In addition, here's something for the readers to understand my situation further. I wrote this email very shortly after our breakup but i never sent it to my ex. "Hey, I've been thinking of what happened all together because i couldnt figure out why our relationship didnt work. I realized that my personality is not the right type for you because, yes, I did feel insecure in a lot of ways about myself. I just got out of college with no job yet but i still had a girlfriend who i didnt want to lose. You on the other hand had everything to gain because there are plenty of guys willing to help you with anything, so naturally, you didnt need me but yet I needed you. Yes, I called you a bitch and I'm sorry but i acted this way because i found out, once again after you promised you wouldnt ask for exam help from (cheated ex) Yes, I did leave you in that parking lot and I am deeply sorry but it was that point that i really had no respect for you anymore because of your lies. I hated the fact that you were still in contact with (cheated ex) but yet I still tried to forced upon you that you shouldnt contact him anymore. It was wrong because I simply didnt realized that in the end of the day you were still with me. However, there were certain aspects about yourself I just simply could not trust. There were issues that i brought up about our relationship that needed to be addressed but it was always avoided. I was aways afraid of addressing these issues because it would always lead to arguments/breaking up. 1) You slept with (Other Man before me)knowing he was in a stable relationship. I dont know how you both are currently and I tried my best to get over this but the fact is that i felt that if you were able to go out and have summer fun when you were still with (cheated ex), what cant stop you from doing the same with me. 2) You keep ending every issue i didnt feel comfortable about with "just take it or leave" or "go find someone else" and "you don't have to respect me". I felt very undervalued knowing you could say something like this. How can anyone deal with a person who treats their partners to be replaceable? No one in their right mind with say such a thing when they really did love the other person. 3) I never got over the fact you tried to take those dresses back home to party. I knew for sure that was a lie because no one would dress in high heels and a sexy outfit to a birthday party. My friends would laugh at me knowing you wear something like that to a birthday party. 4) You lie in order to not make yourself look bad. I accepted this behavior of you but if you were able to lie even me to not look bad then there is no relationship at all. A relationship is supposed to accept the other person for who they are regardless of their shortcomings. I didnt care if you lie to your friends but lying to me is something too painful to deal with. Im quite sure that your mother & father are very honest about their feelings to each other. 5) You went out with (cheated ex) and you lied about it. If he wasnt able to sleep and was willing to do crazy things because you were with me this meant that there had to be something that happened between you two. The fact you tried to hide this from me and not confront me about it made me lose all trust in you. I'm sure that if you were in my situation you would've already left when you found out I had another girl on the side. 6) I disliked the fact that everytime you delete messeges and phonecalls in front of me because it makes you look very bad and untrustworthy. What is there really to hide from your boyfriend? These are the things that go on inside my head all the time. So dont you dare call me insecure or paranoid. I have my reasons to feel this way. Yet i'm surprised I still stayed with you. I dont know how you talk with your friends here and back at home but the more lies you tell the more lies you are going to have to put ontop of it. I was sick and tired of the lies and this is why I told you to get out of my car. I have no respect for people who lie to me. There were times that we did have that I will cherish forever and those moments were wonderful. DC, the sex, class, cuddlings, movies, sleep overs , the jokes and laughs, cooking, my crappy mandarin, the pictures, Christmas, the promises. But because of the reasons listed above which we never discussed or avoided. Our relationship failed. I am who I am. You know that I didn't give a damn about anyone else in the world except my family and you. I was too hurt by the all the lies and I did something I wouldnt normally do. I show you my raw emotions. I never really knew the reason why you broke up with your ex back then but i could understand why if I feel this way. I hope you understand that every relationship isn't perfect. We all have our shortcomings, but if we didnt cooperate to address those shortcomings the problems will keep arising again. The fact that i tried my very best to accept who you are and work it out says how much I valued the relationship. I understand there will be plenty of men in your future that will love you just as much as I did but I hope when you do find the right person please consider his feelings next time before you lie. Unless of course, he's a dangerous lier too. I've dealt with the court case this morning at 9:35am today and it has been dismissed. Its over. I wish you the very best in your future endeavors and your GRE exam. Happy New Year." Any feedback would be extremely helpful to me. Thanks for reading if you gotten this far.
Ajax Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Even though the relationship which is 3 months. You have to understand that I really did like this girl and let her deep into my soul and true self. Which is why it feels so dissapointing and detrimental to my pysche that i feel like i cannot trust anyone anymore. It's not always the length of the relationship, but the intensity that oftentimes determines the amount of pain a breakup inflicts on us. Your feelings are normal and completely understandable. Even the question of trust is one that almost everyone struggles with after a breakup, especially when you feel you've been betrayed. There are no magic words or logic that can ultimately restore ones ability to trust. Time will help the healing process, and once you heal you'll be better able to trust again. That doesn't mean you will ever trust the same though, it may take longer for someone to earn your trust than it did before, and that's a healthy thing. For me, I think of it this way: I trust myself. I am a trustworthy person and others can trust me. It would be arrogant of me to believe that I'm the only person in the world that is trustworthy. It would also be naive of me to expect others to place their trust in me without demonstrating over a period of time that I am trustworthy. So when I look to trust others, I think of it that way. Have they given me a reason why I shouldn't trust them? Have they built a relationship with me over time that gives them credibility? At that point we can either trust them, knowing full well that betrayal is still possible, or not trust them and keep people at arms length for fear of getting hurt. In your case, you absolutely made the right decision in breaking up with this girl. She clearly gave you reason not to trust her. And relationships without trust are doomed to failure. Unfortunately as you know, that doesn't mean you don't still have feelings for them. It hurts now, but eventually the pain will end and you'll be better off having ended things. If you hadn't, you'd still be anxious about this relationship. You'd be wondering what she was doing when you weren't around, and it sounds like your paranoia would have been justified. That's no way to live. It's okay to feel heartbroken, but know in your mind that you did the right thing.
Author Rabbit8 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 (edited) It would be arrogant of me to believe that I'm the only person in the world that is trustworthy. It would also be naive of me to expect others to place their trust in me without demonstrating over a period of time that I am trustworthy. So when I look to trust others, I think of it that way. Have they given me a reason why I shouldn't trust them? Have they built a relationship with me over time that gives them credibility? At that point we can either trust them, knowing full well that betrayal is still possible, or not trust them and keep people at arms length for fear of getting hurt. Thank you Ajax, I believe that my mistake is rushing the relationship too fast without getting to know the person more first. I only had to dissappoint myself after already establishing a relationship with her. To be honest, I believe there were already so many red flags in the air but I was just so blinded I may not have been able to care. We only got serious after my last semester for University life but we have knew a bit of each other before few semesters back. I didn't know she had such a lifestyle of swinging around other treebranches before we got serious. I took a risk believing I could skip the steps judging her morals. However, I suffered heavily thinking she would change her ways for me. Edited May 19, 2011 by Rabbit8
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