loadofhoopla Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been together for two years now. He has been with significantly more people than I have, and from time to time girls pop up and I have a really hard time dealing with the jealousy. Right now my issue is that one of his best friends has been dating this girl for like 7 years. One of the girlfriend's best friends just happens to be one of my boyfriend's ex's. My boyfriend dated this girl for less than a year, but she continuously keeps popping up! She will write on his facebook wall, occasionally send him messages, and texts. He used to respond sometimes, but has stopped after I told him it bothered me. He even deleted her last post off of his facebook wall because I was uneasy about why she was STILL contacting him two years later. I am honest with myself and I realize that I am just plain jealous of her. She is beautiful, and my boyfriend's sister mentioned one time how his entire family really liked her. I have a lot going for me; I just graduated law school, I know that my boyfriend loves the way I look, etc. I just can't help having this jealousy problem and it is driving me nuts! This Saturday my boyfriend's best friend is having some party thing. I just saw on his girlfriend's facebook wall that my boyfriend's ex is coming to visit her on Saturday. Guaranteed they are both going to be at this event. I don't want to say 'let's not go' just because I'm jealous. But I know that I will have a terrible time watching her there, and feeling terrible about myself. Advice?? Please!
Author loadofhoopla Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 A couple more things to add.....I have never met this girl in real life. This would be the first time I am ever seeing her, and the first time my boyfriend will have seen her, at least for two years. I am really, really nervous about the interactions between the two of them. I used to consider myself a really secure person, and I used to never care about situations like this. But I had my heart broken really badly a few years ago, and I have never recovered enough to be ok with stuff like this anymore.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 just ignore her. she's the past and you are the present. if your boyfriend is not even flirting with her then the more reason you should not be jealous of her.
Author loadofhoopla Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I know you guys are right. It's exactly the advice I would give a friend if she asked me the same thing. I just have anxiety problems sometimes, and even though I don't act like it I get really nervous in a situation like this. My boyfriend does not have the best track record--he cheated on his only really significant ex at least 3 times--they were dating for almost 5 years. He hasn't done anything to me. I am positive of that--you can all see how paranoid I already am lol I would hope I would be able to tell. I guess my biggest fear is that he will not cheat exactly but he will flirt and she will think that he still wants her but is stuck in this relationship, etc. I know how girls think. I just do not want something going on that I do not know about and I feel like that is a possibility. I have been burned in the past by someone who I would have bet my life would never hurt me. I have a hard time trusting anyone. Also, I just moved back this week to my boyfriend's place from school and all we have done is fight. About EVERYTHING. I think it's mainly the transition. Also I have all these jealousy issues that I can't talk to him about because I have so many times in the past and he just can't hear it anymore. Ugh, anyways, this was mainly just a huge vent for me. Any other advice or I guess just support because I have zero friend or family support out here would be greatly appreciated!!
Leigh 87 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 From the sounds of things, the issue is not wheather or not he will cheat; he has given no indication that he talks to her or is interested in her life. Where as some guys DO act dubiously towards other girls, such as making remarks like " miss u" to girls they are not dating ( when they are in a relationship with another girl). At least your boyfriend is not a jerk like some guys, who do talk to the ex's... Some guys do make sweet remarks and act very interested in other girls, even when they have a grlfriend! WHAT IS the matter, is your own insecurity. You are normal in feeling jealously towards his beautiful ex. Here are he facts; a lot of guys like beautiful girls. There are a lot of girls out there who are more physically beautiful than u, deal with it. I also hate knowing that here are a lot of girls more attractive than me out there, who my boyfriend will see. But t is just a fact of life. If he wants me for who I am, than he will only ever admire more beautiful women, and not want them on any deaper level. The worst that could happen, is he will see his ex, think she is beautiful looking, and that is it. Being beautiful does nt mean he will want her. He is with u and not her. If he wanted her so badly he would nt have wasted two years with u.
thatone Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 (edited) There are a lot of girls out there who are more physically beautiful than u, deal with it. you should win some sort of prize for that. Also, I just moved back this week to my boyfriend's place from school and all we have done is fight. About EVERYTHING. I think it's mainly the transition. Also I have all these jealousy issues that I can't talk to him about because I have so many times in the past and he just can't hear it anymore. it's not the transition. you're so insecure you can't even trust yourself. every time he gets a glimpse of that jealousy he's thinking "i'm wasting my time sitting around here waiting on her to finish school and what do i get in return from the crazy woman? her complaints and insecurities." there will ALWAYS be someone who looks better than you. there will ALWAYS be someone who has more than you. there will ALWAYS be someone who is more experienced than you. there will ALWAYS be someone who is smarter than you. there will be a few who are ALL of the above. women who try to take out their own jealousy issues on men is pretty close to the #1 best way to get sent on your way by your man. when you met he had to approach you and hope you said yes when he asked for your number and/or asked you out. when you were dating he had to pay for whatever you went out to do. when you were finishing grad school he had to change his schedule to appease yours. he has had to trust you from day 1. you will NEVER control him, or any other man worth being with. any attempt at doing so will end in failure, EVERY SINGLE TIME. that's why you're fighting. the simple fact that he hasn't left you yet is worth more trust than you're giving him. RELAX, or keep at it until he's gone and then get together with your female friends who are gonna "sympathize" with you by helping you blame him so you can all go repeat the same process all over again. Edited May 20, 2011 by thatone
Author loadofhoopla Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 I know you guys are right. It's just hard to come to grips with sometimes. I try to control things a lot. I have a hard time not 'being the best' at everything, especially as I get older. The guys I used to date basically worshipped the ground I walked on. It's pathetic, but I always liked that because it made me feel safe. With my boyfriend now, all of these other women love him because he is really good looking, and hilarious, and blah blah blah. I am having a ridiculously hard time growing up and getting out of the mindset that I am this princess who deserves my prince. It's not fair to be so jealous. The other day my bf was telling me that he was at work and got moved to a new division and everyone in the new division started clapping for him because they were excited he was coming there and all I could think of was 'man, it's only because you are good-looking and all the women want you.' I couldn't even be happy for him. It's seriously pathetic and I want to stop it, I just don't know how! My bf has told me before that I act like the prettiest girl in 8th grade, and I know that is true. I have all these issues with insecurities and jealousy. Just have to find some way to let them go! It's hard when we always see people my bf has slept with or else had a thing with. I don't blame him. Maybe it's jealousy that I haven't done the same thing with the same amount of people? I had fun before we started dating, but I did not sleep around. Maybe I am regretting that now? Thanks for the advice, and if anyone has any more, please keep it coming! Feel free to be harsh I think at this stage I need it!
thatone Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 why don't you start by apologizing and asking him why he stayed with you all this time. he'll probably have a good answer that will make you feel 100x better.
stace79 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I can identify with your insecurity. I don't think you're awful for feeling it. The good news is that it seems like your boyfriend is doing all the right things. Have you considered sitting down when you're not anxious/upset and just talking to him about it? Mention that you appreciate how respectful he is by not keeping in contact with his ex. He may be able to help you. But it seems like he's doing everything right.
girlygirl2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Hello hoopla, I identified so so much with your post and just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone, I think ALOT of girls suffer the symptoms you describe (including me) I logged in to Love shack today for something I have been feeling down about and your post inspired me and reminded me that I'm not the only one who feels like this. All I can say to you is, it's so true, there will always be more (and less!) beautiful people than us but without trying to sound clichè beauty is in the eye of the beholder and not only that, true beauty really does shine from within. You can make yourself ugly in one instant by feeling ugly. It actually doesn't matter what you look like, if you feel like a million dollars, trust me EVERYONE will see you that way. I know this for a fact. I know both men and women who aren't that great looking physically but they are confident and wonderful and everyone LOVES them... that's the secret babe. Work on YOU and how YOU feel. Go to the party, smile and laugh and don't worry about that girl. Remind yourself how great YOU are and that's why your bf chose YOU. Be strong, you rock :bunny:
Author loadofhoopla Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Hello hoopla, I identified so so much with your post and just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone, I think ALOT of girls suffer the symptoms you describe (including me) I logged in to Love shack today for something I have been feeling down about and your post inspired me and reminded me that I'm not the only one who feels like this. All I can say to you is, it's so true, there will always be more (and less!) beautiful people than us but without trying to sound clichè beauty is in the eye of the beholder and not only that, true beauty really does shine from within. You can make yourself ugly in one instant by feeling ugly. It actually doesn't matter what you look like, if you feel like a million dollars, trust me EVERYONE will see you that way. I know this for a fact. I know both men and women who aren't that great looking physically but they are confident and wonderful and everyone LOVES them... that's the secret babe. Work on YOU and how YOU feel. Go to the party, smile and laugh and don't worry about that girl. Remind yourself how great YOU are and that's why your bf chose YOU. Be strong, you rock :bunny: Thanks! Everyone who replied is great. It's awesome to have a forum like this to just get all your feelings out on. Neither of us ended up seeing his ex on Saturday night. I went to see my best friend because she was in town from Chicago--she lives about 2 hours away from where I'm at right now. My bf went to the concert thing we were supposed to go to but didn't go to the other party where the ex was supposed to be at. I don't know if he didn't go because of me or because he had to work the next day, but either way I was happy he didn't see her. Selfish I guess, but it was a relief. I ended up having an awesome night Saturday, and funnily enough my boyfriend started asking me jealous questions about my night. Guess we all have our moments. I do get terrified sometimes that he is going to cheat on me. I get that sick feeling in my stomach when ex's, or people that he messed around with come around. A lot of it I think has to do with the fact that I did not have as many experiences as he did and I do feel insecure with myself. Not because I think I'm not as good in bed, or not good-looking enough or blah blah blah, anything else. It's mostly because I moved here to be with him and I don't have any friends around me. I haven't been around my best friends in almost three years and I just really miss having fun and being around people that know me. It's hard feeling like no one has my back besides my bf here, and when we fight it makes it all even worse. Anyways to everyone feeling insecure in a relationship--it'll be ok!! I know we all know that deep down. Sometimes it's nice to be reminded though:)
thatone Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Thanks! Everyone who replied is great. It's awesome to have a forum like this to just get all your feelings out on. It's mostly because I moved here to be with him and I don't have any friends around me. I haven't been around my best friends in almost three years and I just really miss having fun and being around people that know me. It's hard feeling like no one has my back besides my bf here, and when we fight it makes it all even worse. Anyways to everyone feeling insecure in a relationship--it'll be ok!! I know we all know that deep down. Sometimes it's nice to be reminded though:) you should've told us that from the start! why don't you tell him all of that and ask him to set up more things with couples he knows so you can meet his friends that are appropriate to meet? that's perfectly reasonable considering you moved to be with him. he would think the same thing, and would probably do just that to help. there you go, problem solved.
Author loadofhoopla Posted May 24, 2011 Author Posted May 24, 2011 Well, I've been here with him the two summers before this, but haven't lived here since then. I just moved her permanently about a week ago. All of the people he has introduced me to are really nice, but kind of weird. He is 27 and I am 24, and a lot of his friends are either married or getting married. Their wives/fiancees like to talk about the work they do on their houses, and are so nice, just kind of boring. Also since they ahve literally all known each other since high school, I still feel like I get treated like an outsider. I am not really sure what to do. I am outgoing, and a great friend to have (imo ) but I am having a hard time finding people who like to do things that I like to do. I just want a group of friends outside of my boyfriends friends because like I said, I don't really know if I fit in that well. I have to study for the bar--the test is at the end of July. The class that I am taking is online so it's not like I can really meet people at school or anything. Haha, sorry to sound so depressing!! Just really really wish I had a friend base here. I never realized how hard making friends is!
thatone Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 i don't think your issues have anything to do with the boyfriend after hearing all that. i think it's just more of an adjustment of being away from school friends and being an actual adult instead of in school, which everyone goes through when they get out of school. either way don't ruin your relationship over it. it's temporary. when you pass the bar you'll make friends when you start working. as you get older that's typically how it works, co-workers and business associates become your friends. just deal with it til you start working, then it'll get better.
mitchell Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Is your boyfriend a really great lover? Perhaps the great sex they had years ago has left her pining for your boyfriends attention. My best advice is to make the effort to have a harmonious homelife with your boyfriend. I realize that studying for the bar exam and moving in together can be stressful, but don't antagonize your boyfriend over petty things. Make sure both you and your boyfriend are sexually satisfied. He won't have any desire to stray if you keep him happy at home.
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