Rie1983 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Morning All, I’m 28 and feel like right now my heart is in a 1000 tiny pieces. You will think I am crazy for even asking....can I save my marriage after you read this and your probably want to say what friends and family have said.... If he cared he wouldn't be treating me like this and why would I want to stay with someone who can do this! But please try ) Its my gut feeling that is telling me to stay and I know his not this nasty person his becoming but he seems confused, mixed up and it’s easier to carry on doing what his doing than to face up to the REAL world where he has a wife! I've never loved anyone else before and never felt pain like this. Sorry this is so long!!!! I am going through a missed miscarriage and right now if hell really is a place then that is where I am. My husband has left me for another woman but says it’s not just that reason, it’s because he feels we can't fix us & he had become unhappy but didn't say anything!!! But now I have miscarried our 1st baby too! From the beginning..... Xmas just gone my husband of 2 years, partner of 6 and best friend of 10yrs (so I’ve known him 10 yrs in total) cheated on me with someone from his work, I worked with him many years ago, we got together about a yr after I left but i know of this other person and she has done this many times before and doesn't mind hurting others around her to get a man she wants!!! He even knows this but seems to be turning a blind eye. When I found out which was by me guessing, as he was acting differently, I forgave him as I could see we had drifted apart and he isn't one for talking about his feelings, plus he has always been a bit insecure about how much I love him (another reason i love him!!) He had made a very stupid drunken mistake and was so sad and truly sorry for it, plus they did stuff but didn't have sex at this time and still to this day I believe him. But even if they had, I still would have forgiven him because I love him. I guess it was a bit of a wake-up call to work at our marriage, nothing more than that as we have both been so happy for so long, and that is not me seeing it through rose tinted glasses! After this, things were back on track with us & we carried on planning our lives together, talking about the day we have kids! I had no concerns that we weren't getting stronger because we were! He still worked with the OW and she did crop up every now and then but not a huge amount. But at the beginning of March, he started acting funny towards me again, like a stranger so I pushed and pushed until he said he didn’t know how he felt and wasn’t sure he was in love with me, so I suggested he had some space, he went back to his mum and dads. I’m very close to all of his family and see them weekly and he goes out with my family all the time. Some background on my husband…. His come from a strong upbringing, a Christian family who have strong believes and he has never been one of these men who even looks at another woman, his always been a little insecure and from this I see how much he doubts himself and doesn’t really like himself that much! During the space time, he would txt me and he saw some of my family and just said to them he wasn’t sure we could get back to being happy as to much had happened, family and friends asked him over & over again if he had seen this OW but he said no and seemed very certain. Anyway when we would meet up to talk he kept saying he couldn't come back as he couldn't see us working and I would try so hard to convince him that we could if only he gave me the chance to show him that we have a marriage worth at least trying for. I found this very bizarre as I know I've always been his world and something didn't add up. His family kept on at him that he needed to try and not give up without giving his marriage a chance! I knew I had done things wrong and at times I am a demanding but I’ve always been like that! But I was becoming complacent and selfish, guess I choose to stop working at our relationship, no reason for this just plodded along, all he had to say was can we have some time together but he said nothing!!! This went on for weeks like this that he would just say he can’t do it and that we couldn’t save us. At the end of March we broke up, I couldn't accept it but had no choice in this, he would have let me think it was due to me being selfish and us drifting apart but I knew there was something else and then came the truth.... The night I left because he said it was over, he watched me fall apart and I begged him not do this because we have a marriage worth fighting for!! But after I left very late I had a feeling I wanted to speak with him, I called the house but there was no answer! I drove round there and he was gone, I panicked and txt him and by 6am there was still no sign of him. I had all sorts running through my head, he had seen me in such a state and I thought what if he couldn’t deal with seeing me like that! I’m normally a very strong woman who doesn’t cry but now I was broken (and unknown to me pregnant!!) In the end, I went to his parents hoping he would be there but he wasn’t, so I had to wake them up and tell them what had happened the night before and they called and txt him, until finally he replied saying he was fine but needed some space. This didn’t add up as he had the house to himself for space! He came to his parents and tried to say he went to his boss’s house which I know he would never do and then I pushed him and said you’ve been with the OW from your work haven’t you and then it all started to add up. He said yes as he needed to get away and it made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach that I had blamed myself for us not working! His parents were gobsmacked and so hurt and upset, they said they don’t recognise the person he is becoming, which I know hurts him. I know that when someone tells a lie this big they change as a person and that is what he has doing, he had convinced himself that I didn’t love him and all sorts of things! After this he said he wasn’t going to promise to not see her and that’s all he would say, he went round her house nearly every single night after this for a few weeks and I would see him every now and then and we would argue as I had so much anger for what he was doing to me. Everyone was and is telling him to step back and have time on his own and think about what his actually doing but he won’t!!! His now started to get feelings for this person, thinks he loves her (after 6 or 7 weeks) personally, I believe this is lust and that’s all but because everyone is telling him to step away from the situation he won't. So it seems he has jumped from married to me to being with her and is not stopping!! What hurts the most is the fact that he isn't and hasn't ever been this kind of guy! 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, it wasn't how I had planned being pregnant in my head but if we hadn't of broken up it would have all been perfect, as it was also our 2 year wedding anniversary (what better present to give my husband, our first baby) I was happy, I kept it to myself for the first 2 weeks, as it was all mine! Even though my heart was breaking, part of me still felt happy! I told my husband the news & he cried & said this was the last situation he wanted to be in, but it changed everything!! Not quite how I'd imagined the response when I had planned this moment in my head a 1000 times, over the past 2 years. I said me being pregnant made no difference to us, he had decided he didn't want to be with me and I could not have him back just because I was now pregnant. I would never stop him seeing or being there for our baby. I went away for a long weekend that we were due to go on together for our 2nd wedding anniversary but I went with my sister. I asked him, actually begged him not to spend our wedding anniversary with her but when I returned I found out he had been away with this OW!! On our wedding anniversary!!! While I was away and before he went away he saw my mum, he said to her he’d been having 2nd thoughts and his feelings had changed over the last few weeks but he thought I would come back and say that’s it, it’s all over. When I returned a week later, I saw my husband and we chatted and I felt a little stronger within myself, after talking for ages he said he wanted his wife back!!!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing, he said that he wanted me back because he loved me & didn't want to run anymore into this false life he had created, he had created a bubble and that he was scared to face up to things. He sobbed for many hours about the bad things he had done, he had convinced himself we couldn't get us back after what he did as he had broken us. But he saw how much I loved him and was willing to give it a go. He said he would do whatever it took to get me back and was going to leave his job. We spoke for hours, he questioned how I could forgive him and I couldn’t put it into words that my heart just says I can! And I said we would get through this and he seemed strong and like the person I know, the old him was back, the one with morals and self-respect. He went home told his mum and dad and then saw this other woman and told her but I spoke to him that night on the phone and he sounded exhausted!!! I had my doubts he had told her!! I was correct to think that and the next day he txt asking to see me to Talk!!!! I thought, surely he can't change his mind!!! BUT yes he could, he came in and said ‘I don’t think i can do this’ we spoke for about 5 minutes, I was obviously angry and upset and he hates seeing me like that and doesn’t want to talk to me when he sees me like that, so I walked put and my mum said to him why have you done this? He said because I was pregnant and he didn’t want me being on my own, but he never mentioned this when he saw her the week before! When I came back in, I hammered him for about 2 minutes just saying why are you doing this, I said how he doesn’t think anyone should forgive him because he hates himself and doesn’t like who he is and thinks we will never get past all of this. I then pushed this and he said how can I forgive him for what his done, It’s so bad and then I said you feel your worthless and this goes back way before me and then he just sat there and cried. I sat in front of him and I looked him in the eyes and said tell me all what you said yesterday was untrue.... he cried and said you know it was the truth and I said why, why are you doing this then and he just cried and seemed broken. It broke my heart to see him so hurt and confused. No one deserves that, not even him! Your probably thinking I am some raving loon, I'm not and I’m not in some kind of denial either. I just care about him, his my best friend and has been for 10 years but I know that the person who sat in front of me and cried was the person everyone loves and cares about. We spoke for many hours again and he seemed more convinced this time that he did want this and said he would leave his job and we sat there discussed things that we can do to make us happy but he never really mentioned me being pregnant, which I find strange now!! That night he stayed till really late just holding me, kissing my head and saying how very sorry he was and was very tearful. I know in my heart we can get through this and yes he has mucked up a few times but over 6 years his has proven to me he is a good person, so I will hang on to that and not the mistakes his made over the last few months!!! I said I really hoped he woke up the next morning and still wanted all this and he promised that he would (as sometimes I feel like he sleeps and changes over night!!) next day, he called in sick as he couldn't face work and was so tired. He saw his dad and told him how we were gonna make a go of it and this was what he wanted and he txt his mum, as she was away and said the same to her and asked for help as he couldn't do this all on his own. Then he saw this OW again to tell her he was making a go of it with me, it broke my heart that he had told her I was pregnant as it wasn't for her to know and made me feel sick that another woman would say she was ok with me being pregnant but still wanted him!! But least she knew the full truth. I dunno what was said between them, he saw her for a few hours then came over to see me..... By this point he now seemed distant again and like a stranger, it’s like there is 2 people! The man we all know which I would trust with my life and this other person who's had an affair that no-one recognises anymore. He said he couldn't do it and felt he had feelings for her and was falling in love with her!!! I got upset as I could not believe what I was hearing, he was only saying all what he did as I was pregnant!! which even now, I do not believe as if that was the reason for him coming back for 48hrs, he would of been talking about it and would not have stayed with me the night before holding me, kissing my head and been reluctant to go!! He sat there talking about what we can do to get us back to being happy!!!! Never mentioned the baby just all the things he missed about us and his friends and family. I wasn't in denial but I do know him and said i don't believe him, I think he was scared that we won't get back to happiness and she has a hold on him but by now the wall he has built was back up!! Because we spoke till so late into the night, I stayed at our house with him, it wasn't ideal but I am so glad I did. I asked him to lay on the bed with me, he was very reluctant to do this but part of me hated him for doing this and another part of me loves him so much and wanted to hold him as he seemed so confused! I don't really think he knows what he wants and who he is anymore as he would never want to do what he has (his always been one of the good guys) I said my tummy hurt and he rubbed my back as I tried to sleep but I pulled his arm round to my tummy and said do you realise you have your wife carrying your child in your arms right now and then I fell asleep. In the morning I was angry and he was distant again, as I couldn't deal with the fact he was carrying on seeing this other person and she was allowing him to, knowing all the facts... what kind of woman does that and says stay with me! I know people will say don’t blame the OW as its not her fault, but it is partly her fault for pursuing a married man but I blame my husband for 80% of this, for giving in to this person. I said to my husband that we will talk in a few weeks but I will keep him updated with all my appts for the baby so he can be there as that’s what he wanted and I would never take it away from him. I went to work that morning, went to make a cup of tea and a pain went through my body like never before and was not stopping, I called my doctor who said go straight to A&E. When I got there they rushed me through and put me into a room on my own, a friend had called my husband at work and told him what had happened, he rushed to be with me but the hospital said he could come through later as they needed to see what was happening with me and the baby, but after 6 hours of waiting, scans and many blood tests they told me there was no heart beat and the baby had died! I can't even describe what I felt at that point, they said this does happen and explained to me all about how this happens. I then had to tell my husband I had lost our baby, he was very sad and feels to blame, and I said the doctor said it wasn't down to him but it's a sad & cruel thing that happens in this world. I was pretty nasty to him as I was hurt, so I didn't explain to him what to expect with a missed miscarriage. I wanted him to stay with me through the night just for the next few nights as I'm scared as it hurts! But he said to me he can't, he said he can be there for me but only so much!!! And would be back the next day for my hospital appt! He had told the other woman I'd lost our baby which made me so angry as I explained to him she would have been glad that we had lost our baby and that’s makes me sick! To any OW out there who are nice I know now all OW are like this, but this one is nasty through and through. When he left me that night I called him and got upset and asked if he thought it was some kind of betrayal to her if he stayed with me and he said YES!!!! I txt him saying if he ever cared or was a man he would have stayed even if he couldn't lie on a bed with the woman who was carrying his child then he would sleep downstairs as this out ways EVERYTHING! He txt saying he wanted to be there but not through the night as I would cling to this!! I could tell this isn't him talking as it's not his words. I saw him the next day and I just went on about how he could do this to me and I did go on quite a lot but I’m still working off my emotions of being hurt, betrayed and pregnant!!! In the end he left and went to his parents to tell them the news that I miscarried our baby. I spoke to him that night and asked him NOT to go to this other woman’s house in honour to our baby but he did and it makes me feel proper sick that he would do that while leaving me to grieve on my own. Then Friday I got a txt saying how am i, and sorry for being off with me on the phone, i replied saying I wasn't good and how was he but heard nothing back! Later that evening I txt and said is he not going to call or see me and he said he couldn't speak to me at the moment and sorry if i think that’s harsh!!!! I find it sick not harsh but I can only count all of this down to grieving or guilt or his having some kind of breakdown but I can't seem to pull him through this and while he destroys himself his taking me down with him. I can't step away as my heart won't let me!!! We move out of our house at the end of next week and then I have NO connection with him anymore and I don't know what to do!! His mum told me that the night he went there to tell them about our baby, he broke down and sobbed for hours and said how very sorry he was for what he has done and how he has hurt them, how he blames himself for what has happened, which I don’t want as its not. His mum said he was broken, but she could see her old son back and they spoke about how he needs to move forward in the correct way, he said he couldn’t convince me that we were over but his mum tried to explain to him, he can't because he hasn't and still isn't dealing with his marriage but is carrying on with this OW and until he has respect for his marriage then I won’t accept it, they have asked him to go home and stay with him but it’s like his scared to leave the OW for too long and is choosing her over me and his family!!! Now i have told you everything and you have probably nodded off or feel you have lost the will to even reply and help me but please give me some advice other than... walk away as I deserve better, he has to make his mind up, he has always been a little insecure and questioned that his a somebody in this life but I feel he doesn't realise we make ourselves a somebody, no one else does that for us!! It’s not just that when you get with someone new that they make you feel untouchable and amazing, we can all do that on our own! Imagine your closest best friend in the world who is not nasty in any way but all of a sudden just changes but you know this isn't who they are.... what can I do??? I can't give up on him or my marriage as I love him too much and something is telling me to stick this out!!! I hope there are maybe one or two people that have been in my situ and can help. We are both still young and I know we can get through this but how do I make him realise that he misses his old life????? Thanks for reading this, much love rie xxxx
DufenSchmertz Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Sorry for your pain, but please don't waste any more of your life with this man. Walking out when you are pregnant with his child???? Feh. You're 28 which is young enough to start over and find someone much better than him. Please don't waste another five or ten years and have him do this kind of thing over and over.
Author Rie1983 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 My head says your right feh, but my heart doesn't and my heart sees that my husband is one of the good guys and has taken the wrong turn and now his scared & confused that he could do this to me. thanks for replying tho x
DufenSchmertz Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 My head says your right feh, but my heart doesn't and my heart sees that my husband is one of the good guys and has taken the wrong turn and now his scared & confused that he could do this to me. thanks for replying tho x I understand you deeply love him. If you didn't, this would be an easy call for you. But, there are people that you can love, yet it's not a good idea for them to be your life partner. Your husband has proven himself to be a totally unreliable life partner. Take it out of the realm of cheating. It's like having a goofy unreliable sibling and asking him to do something like paint your house, but he can never do anything right. You might still love him, but you can't rely on him to paint your house. A marriage is a love relationship but it is also a practical, business-type relationship. The father has to be willing to be responsible for the wife and kids (and vice versa obviously). Otherwise he's not really playing the role. A woman can't afford to have a child with a man who bails out on the woman and the child, or is likely to. (Cheating just makes it that much worse, but even if he didn't cheat, he still bailed out on you.) Don't worry about saving him, or saving your marriage; save yourself.
superpunk Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I don't feel qualified to give advice really, but you seem like a really sweet, good-hearted person. Why do I say that? Read back through what you wrote. How many times did you excuse his behavior or say that it "wasn't really him". You even took the blame on yourself a few times. That might be a bad point of view to be coming from. In any case, your story is terrible and I wish you all the best in dealing with this pain. One thing I do feel qualified to say is that anyone who would screw around on a pregnant woman is scum. Absolute scum.
Spark1111 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Just STOP...STOP NOW....and BREATHE! DEEP BREATHS! I am sorry for your pain and your miscarriage. But please, please, please put down this burden, this heavy lifting, to save your marriage. Just for the next few months. Take yourself OUT of this drama and STOP TRYING SO HARD. You are, whether you realize it or not, fueling the affair with your emotionalism. Do you see what is happening here? He is wracked by guilt, insecurity and shame and still he does not give up his AP? Why do you think that is? Because right now, SHE is the only person on the planet who is making him feel good and right about all his stupid choices. Read that sentence again and again until it sinks in. He runs back to her to hear good boy, I love you no matter what. She smiles at him and accepts him in his tortured state. She empathizes with him, show him sympathy. She LOVES the drama too! And YOU are the biggest catalyst of that drama. As long as you beg, plead, tantrum, demand, and disparage her, you will fuel their affair. Maybe for YEARS! Please, please, please....read up on doing the ole 180. Grow a backbone, refuse to discuss your relationship with him, or his with her. Get busy with friends, family and inform all that you have to assume your marriage is over because he refuses to stop living with her and you are moving on. Let them choke on each other, day in, day out, without YOU fueling it. Go to the gym, the job, start socializing. START acting as if you are too good for this whole sordid mess, because YOU ARE! Take your dignity back. Do not get sucked into conversations with him. WORK on you and being the best person YOU can be for this, or your next relationship. I do not care how awful you marriage was, NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. IF he changes his mind and wants to choose you, he has to go NC with her, because she is the drug he is addicted to. He and you need IC and MC. He needs to be remorseful and completely transparent. But in the meantime, this insecure man is being fought over by not one, but two women. What an ego rush. Step away, completely.
PhoenixRise Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I know you said you don't want to hear that you should walk away. But truly, telling you to walk away is the only good advise anyone can give you right now. Please read and reread Sparks posts. Please listen to people who have been there and done that. Your insta-forgiveness devalued you in his eyes. It devalued your relationship in his eyes. I can't believe it didn't devalue you in your own eyes. Stop trying to convince him. Stop pleading and crying to him. I know it is hard. I know this hurts like hell. But if your marriage is salvageable (it might not be) It will be your strength and independence that makes the difference not your hurt or tears. Tell him that if he wants to be with OW then you will let him go. And mean it. Tell him that if he can't or won't make a clear choice to be with you then you deserve better. Tell him that you deserve to have someone in YOUR life who feels the same way about you that he apparently feels about OW. Take some time out to focus exclusively on yourself. Heal mourn and grieve over your miscarriage. Grieve the loss of your marriage. Because even if he comes back tomorrow, the marriage you knew is dead and gone. If you ever reconcile you will be building a new marriage. And stop deluding yourself that the man you are seeing is not the "real" him. It is. Right now it is. I get it. After dday my H became someone I didn't recognize and the change in him floored me. NOTHING changed for me until started reacting to him as the man he was presenting right now instead of the man I had always believed he was pre-affair. You don't want to hear that you deserve better but the truth is that until you believe and know that you deserve better, until you start behaving like you know you deserve better, what you are getting now is all you will ever get. Is that good enough for you?
Author Rie1983 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Thank you so much for taking the time in reading my post and replying. Tonight I went to see my In-laws & my husbands grandad was there too, they are all crushed by this too but have been a real rock for me, its not just the marriage breakup but the miscarriage too and I know in maybe a week or two I will see things differently as my hormones won't be all over the place!! Spark, thank you. I know what you said is true, I know what your all saying is true and tonight his 80 yr old grandad said why don;t you just back off a little and see if he does come to his senses, his mum said we are all here saying its wrong and they won't accept what his doing, so does he turn his back on them!!!! Who knows. But his grandad said just put a little distance between us and see if that makes him wonder a little or makes him stop what his doing, i guess the one person his never lost in all of this is me!!! I know they are saying the same as Spark and i'm just scared to let go, but I guess i'm not letting go just taking a back sit for a while. I know against what people might think, I want to at least have my chance to see what could of been and I want my chance! But all what Spark said is true I guess, i am fuelling this sick relationship so maybe if i stop he will panic where I am and what i'm doing. I just feel bad if I don;t reply, esp with whats happening at the moment but I have tried not replying for maybe a night and txting back the next morning as I don't want to get into games (not when its my miscarriage or marriage!) Tomorrow he has to move all our furniture out with his dad into storage and i hope this pulls on some heart strings. I just want him to stop running but what you said about him living in Guilt is what we said tonight. His grandad said he can't deal with what his done and is just carrying on as facing everyone after seems to hard! And his mum read out the txt he sent saying we were getting back together and it sounds so Him and sincere but also scared that his broken us forever!!! Marriage is for better or for worse and I know I don't deserve this and nothing can deserve cheating but my heart says I think I can try and forgive him, now I just want my chance to see if it can. Remembered tonight that the other weekend after he came back from a week with her & I'd been away that i'd txt him on the saturday saying.... I can't feel like i'm ever being put 1st when u act like u r. you keep telling people different things & I don't know whats true anymore. I don't have all the answers or the energy to keep this up anymore & i don't just have me to think of. The next day is when he came over and said i want my wife back!!!! A while ago I saw a film that said this.... 'What and if; two words as nonthreatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?'... I want him to say he will come back not because I was pregnant (even though I don't believe it was that reason) but because he wants to give us the chance that our marriage deserve, I want to be the exception that made it through the bad bits. So its hard at the moment as I don't want to turn him away if he does offer to see me while we grieve for our loss of child, as I do need him to be hear and I want to be there for him but how do I distance myself a bit so he basically sh**s himself and thinks hold on???? his cut all contact with EVERYONE and is running as he is living a double life and I know he will miss this life as it weren't so bad it just got a little unshiny but we all know you can change that! thank you all again, this does mean alot Rie xxx
blueroses10 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I am very sorry that you lost your baby. Sending prayers to you that you find the peace you need with that situation alone. As far as your husband is concerned, been there done that, he's in the affair fog that everyone speaks of and I think he changes on a dime because he goes to her house and she convinces him that they are the real deal. This may be just through talk or sex, I think it's the latter. Your husband is going to have to come out of the fog on his own but you have to show him that you may not be waiting. I think it's called a 180?? Some of the people who are more familiar with that term can direct you on how to save your marriage. Right now take care of yourself and ask a close friend or family member to help you through this crisis. I would also look into grief counseling, even if you just get involved with women on a message board who share the same type of loss. I pray that things work out for you.
Author Rie1983 Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 Hi Blueroses, Thank you for your reply, until now I have never heard of this 180 or affair fog but writing to you is helping me with this and I have joined a miscarriage forum which is really helping me deal with that as best it can. I can't believe how writing and talking to strangers, so thank you all, you won't realise how much you are helping me! My friends and family are supportive but due to my miscarriage on top of everything my life has turned into a showcase and my mum is trying so hard to think positive about my husband and says she feels he will come through this but she is very very close to him! Blueroses, can I ask how you know about the affair fog?? did you pull through, was there a happy ending? I'll never know the real reason why he came round 2 weeks ago & cried for 2 days on/off and said he wanted me back, I know that it was the truth as I don't believe your eyes lie, but when he saw her to end it, he crumbled and seemed stronger against me!! he also questioned our love more straight after, which makes me think what you are saying about this OW is correct, that she is some how making him think this is "The Real Thing" with them and we weren't. I know he is running as thats pretty much what his said when he came here and thats what he told his family, that he has a bubble and its safe and makes him feel happy but he knows its not real life. I just wish I could burst that bubble. I know spking to the OW is a NO NO as that will fuel the affair more (see Spark1111, I do listen!) Thanks Blueroses Rie xx
Woman In Blue Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Rie, I admit I couldn't read your whole post as it was just way too much verbage to wade through. But I got the jist of what's going on and the other posters who said you're constantly excusing his behavior and even shouldering some of the blame yourself, are very correct. Why are you so driven to continually not accept who he really is? What are you accomplishing by constantly making excuses for his low rent behavior and his blatant disrespect to you, your miscarried child, and your marriage? Why is it so important for you to think he's blameless for the garbage he's pulled? That he's just a poor, hapless victim of fate who doesn't know what he's doing and he's not responsible for the lowlife crap he keeps doing to you? And with all due respect to the betrayed spouses on this board, please don't start calling his bullcrap behavior "the fog." That is the most ridiculous EXCUSE for crap behavior I've ever seen. Yes, this mythical, magic 'fog' has just wrapped itself around him and is causing him to act like a jerkoff (which he IS). It isn't some magical fog making him act like a horse's ass - it's HIM acting like a horse's ass. STOP WITH THE EXCUSES!!!!!! Face who he REALLY is!!!!
Snowflower Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Rie, I hope you are listening to all the great advice on this thread. Many of the posters who have responded have been in your situation so please take their advice to heart. I have been in a similar situation where my H acted the same way. One day my H would want to work on things and then the next day he would have backed off and started the divorce talk with me. He did this over and over again. I didn't understand at that time that he was in an affair. I know how painful it is and reading your posts were like the ones I would have written 2.5 years ago. Like you, I would have done anything to get my H "back" (I didn't know about the affair for a few months). Or would have done anything for my life and marriage to be normal. I know it seems counter-intuitive to let him go when he seems already to be running (your words). But it is exactly what you need to do. You know that cliche phrase, "if you love something, let it go?" It applies perfectly here. Cliches are tired and overused but they are the truth! Let your H go do whatever it is he thinks he needs to do. If your marriage is meant to be, he will come back. If he loves you and wants to do the hard work to save your marriage, he will come back. Then it will be your choice as to whether you want to take him back. Believe it or not, there will come a time where you will question whether you want him back. He could come back to you tomorrow, completely devoted and be your "old" husband again...the one you fell in love with years ago. However, the damage is done and you will have to reassess your feelings and relationship with him at some point. Does that make sense? Please believe me when I say I was in your shoes and boy, do your posts bring it all back for me! I hadn't found a helpful place like LS at that time...I wish I had! As for your miscarriage, I can't even imagine how painful that is along with everything else. I am so sorry for your loss. I'm reluctant to say this but I blame your H in part for your miscarriage. His actions and words caused you so much stress that it was too much for you physically to carry a baby at this time. You should be angry at him for that. He was not supportive when he found out the news that you were pregnant and continued to stress you out with the OW afterward. It makes me ill. And it should make you furious...I think that one day you will be furious when you look back on all this.
Snowflower Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 But his grandad said just put a little distance between us and see if that makes him wonder a little or makes him stop what his doing, i guess the one person his never lost in all of this is me!!! I know they are saying the same as Spark and i'm just scared to let go, but I guess i'm not letting go just taking a back sit for a while. I know against what people might think, I want to at least have my chance to see what could of been and I want my chance! That is sure nice of his grandad to be so supportive of you! It's nice that his family is supporting you as well. I'm just going to reiterate what I said before...I know you want your chance to "show" him that the two of you can make it right. I completely understand. 2.5 years ago I was saying the same thing to my H...who acted almost exactly the same as yours. However, it has to come from him. He is the one who needs to say this to you...he is the one who screwed up your marriage. You might get your chance that you want so badly...but the first step will have to come from him. He has all the "power" right now. Let him have the power...walk away. Distance yourself. Trying to keep some of the control is just going to drive you crazy and push him further away.
Author Rie1983 Posted May 22, 2011 Author Posted May 22, 2011 Hi Snowflower, Sorry for the dealy, thank you for the advise. Can I just ask you, did your husband ever come back or try to and if he did.... did you get through it??? Thanks Riex
Snowflower Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Hi Snowflower, Sorry for the dealy, thank you for the advise. Can I just ask you, did your husband ever come back or try to and if he did.... did you get through it??? Thanks Riex Riex, I'm reluctant to answer this question because what happened to me is absolutely not a predictor of what will happen to you. Yes, my H did come back and want to fix things--but that is the key--it all had to come from HIM. He had to be the one to step up to the plate so to speak. From what you post it doesn't appear that your H is doing that. It's been 2.5 years and my H and I are still together and we have a very good marriage now. But it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. After infidelity has destroyed a marriage-like it did to yours and it did to mine-it takes 1000% effort by both spouses to fix it and even then, sometimes it is still too broken. That being said, I hope you have continued to distance yourself from your H. The sooner you can let go of the belief about who your husband was--and focus on who he is now, an uncaring cad who continues to hurt you deeply, the better it will be for you in the long run.
Author Rie1983 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Hi snowflower, Thank you for your honest reply. I am trying to distance myself, its hard because his asking how I am since the obvious and I have answered a few but am now not replying as I know a txt is not effort from him and not enough for me! I know your situation will be different to mine but it does help just to know that some people do get through this and work damn hard to get to the otehr side, but it takes both people. I just wondered, you obviously speak from experience of NC but how long did your husband leave you before he came back and tried for your marriage, I know its asking alot but i just want some hope to keep me strong and hopefully NC will help me get stronger and maybe for him to realise what we had! Thanks Rie
Snowflower Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 Hi snowflower, Thank you for your honest reply. I am trying to distance myself, its hard because his asking how I am since the obvious and I have answered a few but am now not replying as I know a txt is not effort from him and not enough for me! Re: the bolded...good! It is not enough for you. What, so he is with the OW and all you get from him are some lousy texts? Grrr... I think you're getting there, Rie. I know it is so difficult...probably the hardest thing you have done or will ever have to do but you will look back on this time and wonder why you tried so hard to keep him. I know your situation will be different to mine but it does help just to know that some people do get through this and work damn hard to get to the otehr side, but it takes both people. I know, my guess is you probably feel isolated. After all, this isn't something you will talk to just anybody about. Do you have supportive friends or family who you can talk to and lean on during this time? I just wondered, you obviously speak from experience of NC but how long did your husband leave you before he came back and tried for your marriage, I know its asking alot but i just want some hope to keep me strong and hopefully NC will help me get stronger and maybe for him to realise what we had! Thanks Rie One thing you will find about affairs if you read here long enough (or self-help books) is that while most affairs are more or less similar, what happens after D-day is vastly different. So while my H acted similar to how you describe your H is acting now, it still isn't the same. For one thing, I didn't know about the A until the very end while you have known that the A is the root cause for all your husband's bad behavior. But to answer your question, it was a little over two weeks from the time I found out about his affair until he finally realized what he was losing and started make huge strides back to me. We were mostly apart for those 2 weeks-for a variety of reasons. Again, I do not want to give you false hope. Your H has a lot of work to do if your marriage has even a small chance of surviving. From what you post, he is not doing any of the work he needs to do.
blueroses10 Posted May 23, 2011 Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) Hi Blueroses, Thank you for your reply, until now I have never heard of this 180 or affair fog but writing to you is helping me with this and I have joined a miscarriage forum which is really helping me deal with that as best it can. I can't believe how writing and talking to strangers, so thank you all, you won't realise how much you are helping me! My friends and family are supportive but due to my miscarriage on top of everything my life has turned into a showcase and my mum is trying so hard to think positive about my husband and says she feels he will come through this but she is very very close to him! Blueroses, can I ask how you know about the affair fog?? did you pull through, was there a happy ending? I'll never know the real reason why he came round 2 weeks ago & cried for 2 days on/off and said he wanted me back, I know that it was the truth as I don't believe your eyes lie, but when he saw her to end it, he crumbled and seemed stronger against me!! he also questioned our love more straight after, which makes me think what you are saying about this OW is correct, that she is some how making him think this is "The Real Thing" with them and we weren't. I know he is running as thats pretty much what his said when he came here and thats what he told his family, that he has a bubble and its safe and makes him feel happy but he knows its not real life. I just wish I could burst that bubble. I know spking to the OW is a NO NO as that will fuel the affair more (see Spark1111, I do listen!) Thanks Blueroses Rie xx You're welcome. Sadly I've seen this with happen with someone. They don't sound the same, talk the same, look the same or anything. I think some of it is to distance themselves from you so that they can feel validated in the affair. Eventually yes the person does come out of the fog but all ties to the affair person have to be broken. Try using a search engine to find info on the 180. I didn't have a name for it when I went through it but instinctually did a lot of the steps. I'm happy that you found a site that can help you with the grieving process. You also have family on your side which will help in the long run. Also speak to your doctor or another professional as medication might help you get through this process. Again I'm so sorry for what you are going through. There are a lot of people on the site who will be able to help you. The first time it happened, I attempted to get over it but I think it ended up being more about pride and not wanting anyone to end my marriage especially someone who wasn't worth it. My ex did try really hard but I couldn't get over the betrayal and the fact that this person was my confidante. Second time, I think I'm still living it but I know I disconnected and have a big mess on my hands as I became unfaithful myself. I do also agree with the poster that said, once things start to settle down, it is very possible that you will blame your husband (right or wrong) for your miscarriage and that will be a heavy weight to put on any marriage sans affair. Edited May 23, 2011 by blueroses10
Author Rie1983 Posted May 27, 2011 Author Posted May 27, 2011 Hey, I'm trying so hard with the No Contact, but really struggling because i feel like i'm playing a game, i want to call him and let him know what the hospital has said but i know i can't. He txt and asked how i got on yesterday and i haven't replied, if he calls can i answer to advise about this?? how far do you take the NC?? Blueroses... how long did you wait until you saw a change, did you do the no contact??? he is still not speaking to anyone i.e. his family, friends etc. he must miss everyone and everything!!!! I know some people will get annoyed and say i'm acting like a door mat but i have no energy to feel anger or bitter. Yes I agree I do deserve better but he showed me who he is over the last 10 yrs, the last 4 months has been hell, but i do see me crying, begging isn't the most attractive state i've been in, esp when i'm a very strong person and i can't blame this all on my hormones either. Looks forward to hearing from you blueroses and anyone else, but please don't rant at me as tempting as it is, please. Rie xxx
OldOnTheInside Posted May 27, 2011 Posted May 27, 2011 One way to look at things is like this rie... In your current situation, life shouldn't be about your husband, it should be about your physical and mental well-being. Ask yourself: What am I doing to improve my own well-being? What can I do to improve my well-being? The answers to the two above questions should not involve your husband at all.
Author Rie1983 Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 Hey OldOnTheInside, Thank you for ur reply, I with I could answer the questions. I want to say that my well-being is the most important thing to me but I guess I just want him to come back and ask for forgiveness or just deal with things with me to help me deal with everything but I am trying!!! I used to have so much selfishness that now I can't remember the last time it was all about me, I thinks its because his just carrying on like nothing has really happened and I want him to feel the pain and hurt of things but I guess you don't when your running away from it. Going to try though... going to go shopping this weekend and hopefully get a massage booked for ME!! also going out for dinner with a friend tomorrow, I miss him so much and have it bad, everywhere I go there is reminders of us and what i'm missing but I hope soon he realises all what his missing so then I can take my time in deciding where we go form here!!! Thanks xx
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