CrazyMiner Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hi everyone, My ex GF is coming to the house tomorrow evening to collect all of her final belongings that she has left here. For those who don't know, my ex told me that she wanted to separate just over 2 months ago after an 8 year relationship. She has fairly recently started dating someone new who I believe she has met through work as they both work in similar fields. For anyone who wants to read the back story of the separation you can find my original thread here: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=378508 So as stated above, she is coming to the house tomorrow evening to collect the last of her items. I sent her an NC/LC letter around 2 weeks ago as we were trying to meet up pretty quickly after the break-up as 'friends' and were meeting every 10 to 14 days or so and going out for a meal etc. In the end I decided that, as hard as it was to admit, it wasn't helping my healing or moving on and I started to feel after a few meet ups that she wasn't really that invested in them, at least at such an early stage post separation. So the letter put a stop to the meet-ups and also said that we should only talk to discuss 'business' things like the house... we had brought a house together around 6 months prior to her telling me and I've decided to stay in it and rent out some of the rooms so obviously she's been interested in how that is going as she is still paying her share of the mortgage as well as the bills (TV, utilities etc). I've got her to agree to come tomorrow evening for her stuff - she wanted to come on the weekend and was planning on bringing her mum, brother, and 2 of her friends, but quite frankly I felt that I would feel as if I was being over-powered if we disagreed on who got different items etc, and plus I wanted to say a proper goodbye. I'm hoping it will just be her coming, though she may still bring 1 friend. Anyway, down to my question. Due to one of the rooms being rented out and her financial obligations in the house being covered, when she has taken her stuff I see very little opportunities for us to stay in contact, or at least have a real need or requirement to do so. There won't really be anything to discuss over the phone/email (the contact methods I said in my NC/LC letter), and as she will be taking the last of her things I can see it being the last time we meet for quite a while, and potentially ever. What do I do? Part of me wants to make it nice and easy for her, helping her pack etc, and then just before she leaves tell her how I still love her so very much. However, the other part of me just wants to make it easy and not apply any sort of pressure and then just simply let her go on her way, which should put across that I respect both her and her decision and that I wanted to make it as unstressful as possible. My thoughts are that if I tell her how much I love her etc, if it backfires (which I feel it may as she has said previously that she isn't looking for me to change her mind), then the last memory she is going to go away with is that I tried to apply pressure in what was already a difficult and upsetting situation. However, of course if it is going to be the last time we see each other, at least for quite a while (which will probably be the case), then this is sort of my last opportunity to profess my love before she walks away. I don't really know what to do. I've talked it through with myself and also my mum (I know, taking relationship advice from my mum??), and I have sort of decided on just making it nice and easy, helping her to pack, and then letting her go feeling I've respected her decision and hopefully made a potentially upsetting situation as easy as possible considering the circumstances. The last thing I would want her to do is walk away with her last memory of meeting up with me being that I made things difficult, again. I do hope one day to reconcile with her and wouldn't want to give her another bad memory to deal with. Also, as she has started to date someone new, although it is in the early stages, I don't want to seem like a 3rd wheel... a part of me feels that I need to just let her go and explore these new things if I ever want a chance of getting her back. But, on the other hand, I don't want to just 'give up' what could be our last chance of seeing each other, at least for a long while, and not try something. Advice here would be greatly appreciated!
gallop30 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 just let her be ,for now at least. being nice doesn't do anything
Ajax Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Part of me wants to make it nice and easy for her, helping her pack etc, and then just before she leaves tell her how I still love her so very much. However, the other part of me just wants to make it easy and not apply any sort of pressure and then just simply let her go on her way, which should put across that I respect both her and her decision and that I wanted to make it as unstressful as possible. One thing that always irks me is the need to "respect their decision." When it came to my ex, i certainly did not respect her decision. I respected her and let her go, but the decision she made was quite honestly not something I could "respect." So when it comes to that, I don't think we're required to respect the decision they make to leave us. We have to abide by it. We have to go along with it. But we don't have to respect it. . My thoughts are that if I tell her how much I love her etc, if it backfires (which I feel it may as she has said previously that she isn't looking for me to change her mind), then the last memory she is going to go away with is that I tried to apply pressure in what was already a difficult and upsetting situation. She's made her choice. The best you can do is maintain your dignity by letting her go. Don't go out of your way to make it stressful, but I don't think you need to help her either. Just go into another room and let her do her thing. Be polite, but give yourself some space so you can start healing.
Graceful Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hi Crazy. First, good call on telling your ex that friendship is not an option right now. You tried it and saw right away it was hurtful and counterproductive, and you took care of yourself right away. Nice going. Anyway, down to my question. Due to one of the rooms being rented out and her financial obligations in the house being covered, when she has taken her stuff I see very little opportunities for us to stay in contact, or at least have a real need or requirement to do so. There won't really be anything to discuss over the phone/email (the contact methods I said in my NC/LC letter), and as she will be taking the last of her things I can see it being the last time we meet for quite a while, and potentially ever. What do I do? Part of me wants to make it nice and easy for her, helping her pack etc, and then just before she leaves tell her how I still love her so very much.Now you already know this isn't a good idea, so I'll just affirm what you already know: Not a good idea, and therefore, don't do it. Don't harp on your feelings. She broke up with you, she knows you don't feel the same way, and in a way, it is now irrelevant to her. It will not make you feel any better to spill your guts again, and it will make her uncomfortable. Additionally, that will be your parting shot. That's not how you want to leave off, believe me. Yes, it will backfire on you, so just wipe the idea out of your mind. However, of course if it is going to be the last time we see each other, at least for quite a while (which will probably be the case), then this is sort of my last opportunity to profess my love before she walks away. Please look at it from her side. You'll just sound lame, and it's not like she's leaving the planet. You have to play it cool, in fact, the more cool you play it, the more she will walk away feeling good about you, what a stand up guy you are, and being mature. No love talk, okay? I have sort of decided on just making it nice and easy, helping her to pack, and then letting her go feeling I've respected her decision and hopefully made a potentially upsetting situation as easy as possible considering the circumstances. The last thing I would want her to do is walk away with her last memory of meeting up with me being that I made things difficult, again. I would not automatically assume she wants help packing. Ask her if she would like some help. If she says yes, and you don't mind, then help her. If not, then leave her alone to pack. Put on some music to break the silence, or it will be deafening. Or go out. a part of me feels that I need to just let her go and explore these new things if I ever want a chance of getting her back. I don't know enough about your situation to know if you have hope, but if you want to keep the door ajar, so to speak, then by all means, the best way to leave off is respectfully, chin up, no groveling, no emotional talk, and just acting like a good guy and a friend. Think of the situation as a marketing opportunity for YOU. You want to sell yourself to your ex. You want to look as good as possible to her when she leaves. How do you do that? By being mature, cordial, helpful, respectful, not asking questions, not being emotional, appearing strong, well, you get the idea. You want her to walk out that door thinking, wow, Crazy was so mature about all this, what a classy guy. I had a breakup when an ex of mine had to move out. Nearly killed me. But you know what? I was helpful to him, nice to him, cooperative, and even friendly about it (even though I was dying inside)-- and you know what he said? He said, "Grace, I cannot thank you enough for being so nice about all this, and for being so classy. It would have been easier if you had been a b*tch (he said jokingly!) -- because I would feel more closure. But this is really hard on me, too, and I can't thank you enough" --- so how did that make me feel? It made me feel great, like he looked at me as a friend, and the person he once loved. So if you want to look good to your ex, that's what you need to do. Best of luck. Take care.
Popondetta Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I agree with everybody else here! She knows you still love her, so you don't have to tell her "one last time". Also what helped me through a breakup (we were only together 2 years and didn't live together), was to tell myself that nothing is forever. NC doesn't have to be forever either. If one day when you've healed feel like sending her a friendly email or giving her a call, you can. You just can't do it yet! Most likely that day when you've healed you don't even want to contact her, but it's just nice to know that you CAN, down the line sometime. I would't really help her pack her stuff either. I would just go outside or get away from the house when she's there (be friendly to her when she arrives and tell her that you'll leave it to her and that you'll be cak when she's finished packing). Or maybe you could have a friend come around too?? Just be friendly(fake it if you have to), smile, be polite, be calm. If you act like this you will have NO REGRETS! Promise!! It will be a hard day for you, so try to stay strong as long as she's there. Try to have an appointment with some friends later that day so that you have someone to talk to... or just log in to LS for support Best of luck!!!!!!
Author CrazyMiner Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Hi all, Thanks for the replies so far. Ajax - I feel for me to heal I need to be able to respect her decision. She is her own person, and the way I sort of see it is that I can't make someone love me even if I feel differently. By not trying to respect both her AND her decision, I'd be worried about starting to feel resentment and anger at what happened, and although she separated with me after 8 years I don't feel that feeling angry at her is going to help anything. Both she and I can't control her the way she feels. I've offered to help her now, so I can't really go back on that. I don't mean that I'm going to be doing EVERYTHING for her, more sort of dividing up the DVD's, wrapping some of the plates and dishes etc, just being friendly/a friend and helping out really. Graceful - I loved your reply, it was really helpful! You're right, I know that professing my love to her with flowers, chocolates and puppy dog tails isn't a good idea, and as you said I was just sort of looking for someone to back up my train of thought on that. The other thing is, with her having had a few dates with this new guy, the last thing she is going to want to hear is me doing that and I know that it isn't what she wants to hear right now - consider the idea wiped. When you say play it cool, are we talking just being helpful, the odd little joke, and then a hug and goodbye? This is what I was sort of thinking. Popondetta - Thanks for your input. I do feel I need to at least offer to help her pack as she won't now be coming with the helpers she had planned... many hands make light work I suppose, and so by me then turning around and saying "actually I'm off for a bit" I'm then leaving her to have to do it by herself which will probably take 3 times as long and I can see her being a bit annoyed as she won't have the help the had planned on. Does anyone else have any thoughts on this or how to best play it out? We always hug when we see each other, but do I say something along the lines of "well that's it, best of luck" (not those words , but I think you lot know what I mean), or do I simply just hug her as she leaves and just leave it as we have before, saying something along the lines of "safe drive, speak to you in a bit" and not treat it as the 'last goodbye' as someone mentioned above? Edited May 18, 2011 by CrazyMiner
Graceful Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Graceful - I loved your reply, it was really helpful! You're right, I know that professing my love to her with flowers, chocolates and puppy dog tails isn't a good idea, and as you said I was just sort of looking for someone to back up my train of thought on that. The other thing is, with her having had a few dates with this new guy, the last thing she is going to want to hear is me doing that and I know that it isn't what she wants to hear right now - consider the idea wiped. When you say play it cool, are we talking just being helpful, the odd little joke, and then a hug and goodbye? This is what I was sort of thinking. Glad my suggestions helped (good, we got those puppy dog tails and kitten whiskers out of the equation!) This is a little what I mean when I say play it cool. Yes, try to just act normal, the way you always did. Yes, be helpful (but low-key) and if you're helping to divide up a few things, and they don't mean that much to you, let her have what she wants. To be honest, the fewer things you have that remind you of her, the better, so if she wants something that really is of no value to you, say no problem, and let her have it. We always hug when we see each other, but do I say something along the lines of "well that's it, best of luck" (not those words , but I think you lot know what I mean), or do I simply just hug her as she leaves and just leave it as we have before, saying something along the lines of "safe drive, speak to you in a bit" and not treat it as the 'last goodbye' as someone mentioned above?Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Act like she's just leaving "for now" and treat her the way you'd treat her as if she was going away for the weekend. "Drive safely, ex, and take care, see you whenever" or whatever. Sure, a hug is fine, too. Of course. Gosh, you sound nice. And you really want to do the right thing, I can tell. Just be yourself, keep your chin up, as I said, sell yourself to her as a classy, mature guy who is handling the breakup (she knows you're hurt, believe me) -- who is being strong. I'm telling you, if you handle this well, she is going to leave feeling like she knows why she loved you in the first place. Best of luck, Crazy, darling. And come to LS to post after it plays out; stay strong. Loving wishes to you.
Popondetta Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 OP: I see your point and I see why it might be wiser to help her out seeing she didn't bring everybody else along to pack her stuff. Just rememer: Act cool, friendly and calm (you can have a breakdown on LS afterwards). Also for the goodbye: Cool, friendly and calm. Don't make it any more dramatic than it is (Easy for me to say, of course it is dramatic but it doesn't have to be FOREVER). I agree with everything Graceful is writing: You sound like a lovely guy!! (don't forget that you are!!) You'll meet someone who's perfect for you when you've healed and when you are ready
Ajax Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I feel for me to heal I need to be able to respect her decision. She is her own person, and the way I sort of see it is that I can't make someone love me even if I feel differently. By not trying to respect both her AND her decision, I'd be worried about starting to feel resentment and anger at what happened, and although she separated with me after 8 years I don't feel that feeling angry at her is going to help anything. Both she and I can't control her the way she feels. I've offered to help her now, so I can't really go back on that. I don't mean that I'm going to be doing EVERYTHING for her, more sort of dividing up the DVD's, wrapping some of the plates and dishes etc, just being friendly/a friend and helping out really. I know what you mean by having to respect her decision, but I think a distinction can be made between abiding by and complying with a decision and truely finding it a respectable choice. Clearly you need to let her have her space and be respectful of her, but we don't have to like said choices. I'm not articulating myself very well... meh... But you've handled this situation the best you could, and it looks like you'll continue to do so. You have been respectful to her, and as Graceful's said, that's how you want to be remembered. Too many dumpees self-destruct and spitefully lash out when they're hurt. It's never pretty and just reinforces the decision to break up with you. You'll be leaving her with positive memories and someone she can still think of fondly.
Author CrazyMiner Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Hi again all, Graceful - Thanks again for your thoughts. I intend to let her take pretty much what she wants, we don't have a great deal of 'joint purchases' that are of any real value. She has already said that she is happy to leave things like the electronics etc as she hasn't found a new place yet and will just be storing everything at her grandmothers anyway. Thanks for the compliment... but I do wonder sometimes if I was too much of a nice guy - when my ex told me she wanted to separate when we were at dinner she said I was a great guy/really nice guy but hey, here I am now, Mr Nice Guy, and my ex of 8 years is coming to take the last of her stuff and is dating a new guy after 2 months. Perhaps being the nice guy doesn't always work? That's enough of my moaning Popondetta - Thanks for your reply. Cool, calm and collected is the way to go. Ajax - I do see your point about separating the points of respecting her decision and respecting her. Of course I don't like her choice, but it was hers to make. Ha, there I go being Mr Nice Guy again! I wasn't respectful at the start of the break-up. After we split she asked for space and I just didn't give it, begging etc. I did it for 3 - 4 weeks and then stopped, she didn't want to hear it and I was just making a fool of myself. But after a while I did do as she asked, and we were still able to meet a few times afterwards, so hopefully I've managed to hold on to a bit of dignity and hopefully not pushed her COMPLETELY away. Only time will tell!
Ajax Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Ha, there I go being Mr Nice Guy again! I wasn't respectful at the start of the break-up. After we split she asked for space and I just didn't give it, begging etc. I did it for 3 - 4 weeks and then stopped, she didn't want to hear it and I was just making a fool of myself. But after a while I did do as she asked, and we were still able to meet a few times afterwards, so hopefully I've managed to hold on to a bit of dignity and hopefully not pushed her COMPLETELY away. Only time will tell! It's a knee-jerk reaction that is more common than not. It's the natural reaction to the imminent loss of love. When drowning a body will still gasp for air in a desperate attempt to survive. Don't beat yourself up for it. As long as you didn't say or do anything demeaning or outright disrepectful, I think you keep your dignity. In the end she'll see it for what it was, you trying to fight for her but then backing off when you realized she was serious. but I do wonder sometimes if I was too much of a nice guy - when my ex told me she wanted to separate when we were at dinner she said I was a great guy/really nice guy but hey, here I am now, Mr Nice Guy, and my ex of 8 years is coming to take the last of her stuff and is dating a new guy after 2 months. Perhaps being the nice guy doesn't always work? Ah the classic question: do nice guys really finish last? Yes we do. And no we don't. I guarantee you that somewhere many thousands of years ago there was a nice-guy caveman who lamented that his cave girlfriend left him for the bad-boy caveman with the bigger club. He also had bada$$ scars from all the mamoth hunts he'd been on and saber toothed tigers he'd fought. Now she's snuggled up with him by the fire that nice-guy caveman started for her. Eventually though, the hard living lifestyle of bad-boy caveman caught up to him, and cave girlfriend got tired of him chasing other cave women. The scars were starting to look ridiculous on him as he started to put on weight. Even the size of his club didn't seem all that important anymore. She started to wonder what happened to nice-guy caveman, but it was too late. Somehow he'd managed to grow from his experience, and his ability to create really cool cave paintings had attracted the attention of another cave girl, and now he was building fires for her. Point being, yeah, you got hosed. But at the end of the day you will be better off. You will be. You may not see it right now, but history's full of nice guys getting the girl. It just may not be the girl you want right now. Edited May 19, 2011 by Ajax
Author CrazyMiner Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 It's a knee-jerk reaction that is more common than not. It's the natural reaction to the imminent loss of love. When drowning a body will still gasp for air in a desperate attempt to survive. Don't beat yourself up for it. As long as you didn't say or do anything demeaning or outright disrepectful, I think you keep your dignity. In the end she'll see it for what it was, you trying to fight for her but then backing off when you realized she was serious. Ah the classic question: do nice guys really finish last? Yes we do. And no we don't. I guarantee you that somewhere many thousands of years ago there was a nice-guy caveman who lamented that his cave girlfriend left him for the bad-boy caveman with the bigger club. He also had bada$$ scars from all the mamoth hunts he'd been on and saber toothed tigers he'd fought. Now she's snuggled up with him by the fire that nice-guy caveman started for her. Eventually though, the hard living lifestyle of bad-boy caveman caught up to him, and cave girlfriend got tired of him chasing other cave women. The scars were starting to look ridiculous on him as he started to put on weight. Even the size of his club didn't seem all that important anymore. She started to wonder what happened to nice-guy caveman, but it was too late. Somehow he'd managed to grow from his experience, and his ability to create really cool cave paintings had attracted the attention of another cave girl, and now he was building fires for her. Point being, yeah, you got hosed. But at the end of the day you will be better off. You will be. You may not see it right now, but history's full of nice guys getting the girl. It just may not be the girl you want right now. I do hope that history repeats itself Ajax, and also hope that it is indeed the girl I want right now. But she is doing her own thing, out exploring and trying new ways of living, which are all things that she said she wanted to do when we broke up. She's here in about 2 hours... let the fun being.
Author CrazyMiner Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 She came, we packed, she left (but didn't take everything...). I was a bit thrown when she phoned to say she was arriving about 2 hours early and only gave me 20 minutes or so notice as she had finished work early. When she got here she gave a light sort of hug and we got started. She wanted me to help her pack, and to be honest we had quite a good time. As we started to pack her clothes etc in the bedroom we were chatting away and trying to work out what was worth keeping as she has lost a lot of weight. She wanted to try on some of her dresses so she just took her top off showing her bra right in front of me... I wasn't really sure where to look! This is someone I slept beside nearly every night for the past 5 years or so and even though we are separated she is undressing in front of me - wasn't quite sure what to make of that! We started working through each floor (we had brought a 3 storey townhouse about 6 months prior to the separation) and about half way through she said something along the lines of "This has been nowhere near as unpleasant as I thought it was going to be, don't you think?". I hadn't really heard her and when I didn't answer she said "oh, didn't you expect it to be unpleasant?" and I just said that "there was no need to get stressed over it, we didn't need to be upsetting each other" and we carried on, chatting away. Before she left she said she had a bit of a headache and was feeling light headed (she has always had an issue with blood pressure) so I got her some crisps and dip from the kitchen to give her a bit of a carb and sugar boost and we sat on the sofa for 15 minutes or so and just chatted. She asked about my plans for the weekend and next week and she asked about mine. She told me she was heading to Sheffield next week for a few days as well as visiting family and friends in different parts of the country as she had the week off. This guy she has been on a few dates with lives in Sheffield and a) she doesn't know that I know she has started to date 2 months after the separation, and b) she doesn't know that I know he lives in Sheffield. So I asked about what family she was visiting and then to say hi from me. I then asked about Sheffield and what she was up to over there. She said she was going there with some friends for a girly weekend away, and I asked if she had been there before and she said no. This upset/frustrated me a bit as I know she was there last weekend seeing this guy and she lied to my face. Of course she has no obligation to tell me anything about her life anymore, but it was a shame she felt the need to lie. When it came to her leaving, I stuck to my plan of just going in for a hug and saying goodbye. She hugged back, and said something like "thank you for making this so stress-free" and she came in for another hug, and I gave her a quick peck on the cheek. I replied with "I didn't want to make it anymore unpleasant than it was already going to be". She then hugged me tighter, and started to cry on my shoulder, if only for 5 or 6 seconds. I've always been Mr Nice Guy and hated to see her upset, and for some reason at this point of her crying I decided to come out with "hey, don't be upset, you have so much going for you now" and she replied with "oh, so do you" whilst still crying. After a few seconds she stopped crying, I think forcing herself to do so, and said she had to go as her best friend was cooking her dinner. So I gave her a hand getting the last few things into the car, we hugged one last time, and off she went. I wanted to say something like "I love you" when she started to cry as she hugged me, but I think my logical mind stopped me as what I didn't want to happen is that the first time she shows any emotion or empathy to our break-up I go straight in with the romance. I hope I did the right thing... She's coming back tomorrow evening to get the last of the stuff, but I'm away this weekend so won't see her. She wants some of the electronics but doesn't have any room to store them for now until she moves into her new place in a few weeks so will also need to come back then. It's my fault she couldn't take everything as she was going to hire a van but I told her she wouldn't need one, misjudging how much stuff she has here... I suppose when you've been with someone for 8 years and lived together for 5 of those you manage to accumulate a lot of, well, stuff! It was strange. It's the first time I have seen her let her guard down like that since we separated. She is the sort of person who, when she decides on something, sticks to it, and I think this has been the case with our break-up. But yesterday it was sort of like her 'iron curtain' was dropped, if only for maybe 30 seconds in total with the hugs and crying etc. I don't know if it was her showing that she still had feelings - we haven't seen each other properly for 4 - 5 weeks and have only spoken once during that time on the phone to arrange her coming yesterday. Or perhaps it was just a case of the situation of moving her stuff out of our house being distressing, or a mixture of the two. The other thing is, I don't feel anywhere near as upset as I thought I would be. I haven't even shed a tear. After she had left I went to play Badminton with a socialising group I've joined and had a really good time, and even though only an hour or so earlier I was helping this beautiful, intelligent woman pack away her things to leave what was meant to be our dream house, it was the first time that for a space of 2 hours or so I haven't thought about her... is that normal? I almost feel bad about not feeling worse! Some thoughts on how I handled this would be appreciated. I feel that even though she showed some emotion, by me being friendly rather than coming out with "I love you" or "I miss you", I let her show her emotions and not over-show mine as that may have just frustrated her after she had said several times that I had made it so much less unpleasant than it could have been. Why would she have cried when leaving? I need a handbook on all this...
Graceful Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Good Morning, Crazy. And what a nice way for me to start my day seeing this update from you. How shall I say this? Let's put it this way, this is concisely, to the letter, what I envisioned for you, and what I knew you were capable of doing, and you pulled it off, and you see how you felt and feel afterwards? I don't like to say "I told you so" -- but didn't I tell you that you'd have a good feeling afterwards if you were cooperative, helpful, nice, friendly, and just YOURSELF. When she got here she gave a light sort of hug and we got started. She wanted me to help her pack, and to be honest we had quite a good time. is undressing in front of me - wasn't quite sure what to make of that! and about half way through she said something along the lines of "This has been nowhere near as unpleasant as I thought it was going to be, don't you think?" Glad we discussed the packing, since she did want help, and this was key, because not only did you succeed in being a friend to her, but she was impressed. As far as disrobing in front of you, that to me was just a sign that she trusts you, and that she feels that you've seen her without her clothes on before, so she didn't think it was a big deal. I wouldn't make any more out of it than that, she probably just felt comfortable around you. Insofar as not saying that she is seeing someone already, let it go. At this point, I honestly think this was to spare your feelings and possibly because of even slight guilt and awkwardness on her part. This girl really cares about you, and I think wants the best for you, and does not want to hurt you any more than she has. So I'd call it a "white lie" and not done with malice intent. If you'd asked her if she was dating already, a direct question, she may have said yes --- but you didn't. Really, I'd let her off the hook for this. See how she thanked you for making the situation stress-free? See how she appreciated your manner and how you came through? This is awesome. Totally awesome, man. She then hugged me tighter, and started to cry on my shoulder, if only for 5 or 6 seconds. I've always been Mr Nice Guy and hated to see her upset, and for some reason at this point of her crying I decided to come out with "hey, don't be upset, you have so much going for you now" and she replied with "oh, so do you" whilst still crying. After a few seconds she stopped crying, I think forcing herself to do so, and said she had to go as her best friend was cooking her dinner. She's sad, too. Leaving you has not been easy for her, I can see that, but somehow, what I suspect is that the spark went out for her somewhere along the line, and it took courage on her part to admit it (to herself) and end the relationship. But you're a good guy, so of course she feels bad. That show of caring for her ... will the new guy do something like that for her? I don't know, but I kind of doubt it. YES, you did the right thing in NOT telling her you love her. You restrained yourself at just the right time. You're right, if you had played into the situation, you would have been back at "square one" if you know what I mean. It was strange. It's the first time I have seen her let her guard down like that since we separated. She is the sort of person who, when she decides on something, sticks to it, and I think this has been the case with our break-up. But yesterday it was sort of like her 'iron curtain' was dropped, if only for maybe 30 seconds in total with the hugs and crying etc. I don't know if it was her showing that she still had feelings - we haven't seen each other properly for 4 - 5 weeks and have only spoken once during that time on the phone to arrange her coming yesterday. Or perhaps it was just a case of the situation of moving her stuff out of our house being distressing, or a mixture of the two.It was a mixture, I agree. Insofar as getting emotional, yes, it's natural, but this was especially true because you handled yourself as well as you did! She saw how well you still got along, saw what a good friend you still are, she saw that you were being understanding, etc. If she is a resolute person, continue to keep your emotional distance, however, this is essential. The other thing is, I don't feel anywhere near as upset as I thought I would be. I haven't even shed a tear. After she had left I went to play Badminton with a socialising group I've joined and had a really good time, and even though only an hour or so earlier I was helping this beautiful, intelligent woman pack away her things to leave what was meant to be our dream house, it was the first time that for a space of 2 hours or so I haven't thought about her... is that normal? I almost feel bad about not feeling worse! YES, this is normal after you have been nice to someone, and not hostile. This is how you come to accept and understand, this is how you see yourself in a good light, this is how: by just being a good person, showing someone your best qualities when the going gets rough, showing YOURSELF that you don't need to be mean or nasty in a situation that calls for cooperation and helpfulness. It feels great, doesn't it??!!! Again, you handled it beautifully from your description. And yes, you let her show her emotions for a change, and not cloud the situation saying anything. Why did she cry when leaving? Again, she was and still is filled with mixed emotions right now. They over took her. If she's normally strong, then this shows how she is hurting, too, and how much you mean to her. Just because she's the one that left, or even dating, doesn't mean she's wiped you out of her heart. But, please don't over analyze it. So, overall, how did you handle it? Will "just about perfect" do? Some thoughts on how I handled this would be appreciated. I feel that even though she showed some emotion, by me being friendly rather than coming out with "I love you" or "I miss you", I let her show her emotions and not over-show mine as that may have just frustrated her after she had said several times that I had made it so much less unpleasant than it could have been. Why would she have cried when leaving? I need a handbook on all this...
Ajax Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I need a handbook on all this... Sounds like the best person to write one would be you! Graceful wrote a very thoughtful and supportive response, and I'm not sure I can add much too it, but here are my thoughts. She wanted to try on some of her dresses so she just took her top off showing her bra right in front of me... I wasn't really sure where to look! This is someone I slept beside nearly every night for the past 5 years or so and even though we are separated she is undressing in front of me - wasn't quite sure what to make of that! As Graceful said, she probably simply felt comfortable with you and didn't necessarily mean anything by it. Personally, it would have gotten under my skin. But since you handled it with only minor anxiety, I think it best to let it go and see it for what we think it probably was. The other thing is, I don't feel anywhere near as upset as I thought I would be. I haven't even shed a tear. After she had left I went to play Badminton with a socialising group I've joined and had a really good time, and even though only an hour or so earlier I was helping this beautiful, intelligent woman pack away her things to leave what was meant to be our dream house, it was the first time that for a space of 2 hours or so I haven't thought about her... is that normal? I almost feel bad about not feeling worse! Don't! You may still have ups and downs. Healing isn't a straight line. But if you felt okay about this then it bodes well for the future. Look, you even went out with friends and had some fun. You're getting on with your life, and that's a good thing. Honestly, your recount of what happened tugged at my heartstrings. Most guys in your shoes would have either been bitter and hostile or a weepy puddle of goo. You presented yourself in a commpassionate and dignified manner. You've set yourself apart from about 90% of exes. You're due for some good things coming your way, my friend!
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