Jimbo_75 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hi, I'll be as brief as I can to fill you in from the start: My wife and I have been married for 11 years and have 3 beautiful children. Life couldn't have been better, our family life was great, our marriage and sex life was fantastic and I couldn't have wished for a more perfect life. Until. . . . three months ago I started to notice that my wife was behaving strangely with her phone and ipod. Every time she left the room she would take them both with her - she never left them around the house unattended. I was a little suspicious, but didn't question it as I trusted her 100%. Then we had an issue with her mobile and I had reason to look at her telephone bill. I discovered that she had sent over 100 text messages to a number I didn't recognize, so I took the decision to look at her phone and later her ipod. I found that she had been sending and receiving quite graphic sex texts to a male colleague at work. She had been doing this on facebook and latterly by text message. She had deleted a considerable amount of what she had sent, but I managed to find a load of deleted messages from Facebook. She had also sent him a naked picture of herself in the shower, albeit not revealing, but it was still a picture of my wife in a private situation. What did I do? I was physically sick, the bottom had dropped out of my world and from the tone of what was written in the texts, they were considering meeting for sex. When I confronted her, she initially tried to deny it all but later said that it was stupid and just a bit of fun. I later went to her workplace and confronted the guy. I told him that this was the end of whatever was going on, he apologized and I made it clear that if he ever looked at or spoke to my wife again, I would take him into the country and make him dig his own grave. It sounds stupid and weak now, but I spent a week in bed unable to do anything. I was forced to go and see the doctor by my parents and was told that I'd had a nervous breakdown. My problem is that although I forgive and still love my wife, I cannot forget what happened. She says that they never had any physical contact and I believe her. Some days I don't think about it at all. Other days, it is all I think about. This is compounded by the fact that she still works in the same school as him - the school which our children attend. I do see him occasionally and he doesn't seem to dare look at me and my wife assures me that her shifts have been changed so that they don't come into contact. I feel like I'm going mental.
ShoeGurl1973 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Man, I sympathize. That sounds like a horrible horrible situation. I'm not married,nor have I ever been, But trust issues are the worst. At the very least, not trusting your partner turns you into a version of yourself you are going to HATE. Are you prepared to wonder what she is doing while working with this guy all day? Are you prepared to feel paranoid everytime she whips out her phone to text a message? That's what is going to happen to you, I know, I have been there. Some issues in a relationship you can easily dismiss as "their" issue, but trust isn't one of them because its going to affect how you live your life as well. Everytime she leaves the house without you that little voice in the back of your head will ask "is she going to meet him?" I"ve have been there done that and its horrible - it will make you a slave to your every paranoid thought. If she hasn't agreed on her own to find a new job away from this guy to give you at least some peace of mind, I personally dont' see how you can make it through this. Especially if she is considering it "all in harmless fun". Come on, when's the last time you sent a harmless fun photo of yourself in the shower to a coworker?? She's lying. Good luck whatever you choose to do. You have kids, so I know this is a tought one. I'd say at minimum if you stick around to work things out you need counseling.
Author Jimbo_75 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Thank you for your reply. You've said some very sensible things in your post - most of which I've been through time and time again. I've thought about leaving but can't bear the thought of leaving my children, and peculiarly, I can't bear the thought of leaving my wife. In truth, I can't see a way out of this - she won't get a new job although I have made her speak to the headteacher to tell her what has happened, and she (the headteacher) has assured me that they will have no contact. I don't know what I will achieve with counselling. I can't see that pouring my heart out again will make me feel any different. I hate my life and what it has become.
collegeguy_24 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 If I were in your situation, I would file for divorce and take everything. But, if you are determined to make this work, heres some tips 1: Demand access to her phone, ipod, all email accounts and facebook at all time. 2: always check your phone records at least once a month, make sure she doesn't do this crap again. 3: develop a contingency plan and prepare for the worst. 4: all the evidance you've found so far, keep it in a nice hidden location for court. afterall there is a saying: once a cheater, always a cheater. You need to be prepared.
ShoeGurl1973 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I'm really not an advocate of using children as an excuse to stay in a bad marriage. Everyone in this type of situation says "but I can't leave the kids". Reality is "I can't leave the kids yet". Most people muddle through until they consider it ok to divorce when the kids are out of the house and off to college. For some strange reason that gives people the green light to split up thinking it won't affect an adult child at all. Let me tell you from my experience, my parents had a crappy marriage and divorced when I was like 24. It was worse in my opinion. Worse becuase as a kid you go through your whole childhood full of memories only to have the rug yanked out from underneath you when your seemingly happy parents decide to split once you're out of the house. The feeling you are left with is basically feeling as if your childhood was a complete sham. That they were just holding it together for my sake. I don't look back on childhood memories anymore - if I do I see a time when my family was all together and now they aren't. It's very painful so I push them to the back of my head. If you at least split up when your children are young, you and your wife have an oppurtunity to find someone that will make you both happy and positively influence your childrens lives, hopefully. Everyone will feel happiness. If you pretend now, it will come back to bite you and the rest of your family in the future. Children are much more adaptable than people give them credit for.
Adi Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Hi i went though a simmilar thing great girlfriend some amazing times, then a bad patch she cheated i found out, we both realized we loved each other so tried too make things work. 12 months i tried but not matter what i could not forget it, it drove me and her crazy i tried everthing i could but just felt dead inside the big problem was this if i stayed i got her but risked feeling like this forever but if i broke up i would miss my true love. Well in the end i worked this out if bye 12 months your still not dealing with it well you never will and you will never heal, breaking up is hard but you will def heal even if it takes 2 3 years. Im 10 months now and i still miss her now and then but over all im getting there i feel better than i did but not has good has when we were happy.
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