Having SEX and then dealing with someone who still wants to date other men

[bluenightowl]

Here's the context:

 

You are dating someone where there is natural chemistry between the two of you and you have been on say 4-6 dates over a period of a month or more. As well, your date is most likely dating other men.

 

What's I'm wondering is how does a guy (who is often the one to nudge the situation in a more sexual direction when both parties want it) balance this with getting to know someone whom they want to build trust and a relationship with in the longer term???? As well, would you nudge in the sexual direction knowing she is dating other men??

 

The problem is I like sex, they like sex, and I often (but not always) find sex in many cases does solidify the relationship at least in the sense that one considers not dating anyone else... but looking around these boards you can see how many people make this an assumption that sex=relationship... but then get hurt by someone who doesn't feel that way.

 

I too have been recently meeting women who tell me they are not sure what they want after sex or just keep dating other men (often they are coming out of a LTR). I understand all of this. My problem is after sex, its hard to then be casual sex daters when emotions are involved. I think some men (and women) can do this..perhaps in some cases I could as well.. But I struggle with this when I'm actively looking for a LTR. I'm not primarily after sex, but rather a relationship.

 

So in future what's a guy to do :

 

a) do not instigate sex (even when I know she wants it) and take things more slowly..this might send a negative signal.. such as why doesn't he want sex.. or do women admire men who wait a bit?

 

b) have sex, and just deal with those attachment feelings should she decide she is not ready for a relationship and wants to date other men. Instead date other women and put her on the back burner.. the kinda ..don't make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.. thinking.

 

c) don't say anything.. don't ask if she is seeing anyone.. and don't ask after sex.. just have fun this kinda player disposable emotionless approach to dating.

 

d) talk about it before having sex.. but after 4-6 dates it seems early.. and many people would say if she isn't bringing it up.. there is your answer.

 

e) Just realize she isn't the one.. there is not a perfect path.. cut your losses, and move on when she says she is not ready for a relationship right now.

 

My thinking at the moment is to slow down a bit if one really wants a relationship, and if things get heated.. talk about it before sex.. and then both people can make some clear decisions before the chemicals start to take over.. Its seems a bit bland to me and far less fun than in my past.. but at least one is clear.. and it could set the stage for the beginnings of great communication.

 

Suggestions?

 

-

bluenightowl

[oaks]

Here's the context:

 

You are dating someone where there is natural chemistry between the two of you and you have been on say 4-6 dates over a period of a month or more. As well, your date is most likely dating other men.

 

After that many dates I don't think it's inappropriate to ask "are you seeing anyone else?"

Then you'll know if she's dating other men. (well, asking doesn't guarantee a straight answer, but I think it's a reasonable question at that point)

 

 

As for the rest of it, I don't necessarily like the idea of deliberately withholding sex until there is exclusivity, because that turns sex into a bargaining chip and I don't think it should be used like that. On the other hand I don't like the idea of casual or meaningless sex and I'd rather be doing it within an exclusive relationship, so I'm fairly useless at being able to give advice on this. I'm keen to hear what anyone else has to say!

[Jazzari]

I think I had the exclusivity talk after 4 dates. So I don't think it's early.

 

I won't have sex without being exclusive. It's not a bargaining chip for me. It's protecting my own heart.

[Jynxx]

I prefer a dont ask don't tell policy. I like sex, and having sex with a girl I like who might not be willing to get exclusive is better than having no sex at all.

[bluenightowl]

"I prefer a dont ask don't tell policy. I like sex, and having sex with a girl I like who might not be willing to get exclusive is better than having no sex at all.

Today 9:41 AM"

 

I like sex as well. Lately however, and it might just be women I've dated who are coming out of a LTR, but I find we hang out, later have sex, and I get a message saying she has met a wonderful person and doesn't want to date anyone else now.

 

I don't think she has done anything wrong, and if I just wanted sex, I probably wouldn't care, but perhaps its because I am searching for a LTR more than sex. I think if she just said, "thanks I don't know what I want, keep in touch", I would have been less bothered, but its when you hear that they have suddenly decided to go exclusive with someone else, in some cases right after saying need time to date others.

 

As I see it, the only way to protect yourself from feeling this way is, develop an attitude of who cares and don't put much effort into such people, continue to date other people, or refrain from getting too intimate altogether until their is some trust (but also knowing that refraining might in itself kill the potential relationship - esp. as a guy since women I feel often wait for us to make the move.. I don't make the move.. for sure another guy will if she is looking for sex and possibly a relationship).

 

I think it also comes down to boundaries, but keeping such self-control in the wake of a beautiful women wanting sex is perhaps tough for many men to ever even consider saying no.

[carhill]

D. Talk about your respective relationship styles and needs *in general* and the relevant subjects regarding sex, std's, exclusivity, etc. If there is synergy, proceed; if not, not.

 

If she wants to date other men/have sex with other men/sacrifice animals with other men, then that is her style. If it doesn't match up with your style, then it's an elemental and perhaps irreconcilable incompatibility. Act decisively on such information.

[bluenightowl]

carhill:

 

I think this is good advice. Essentially then ask/communication *in general* and then take a decision.

 

In these cases, (for me looking for a LTR) I would essentially decide to not have sex until there was exclusivity, tell her and see how she reacted.

 

Acting decisively, learning to walk (if need be) is definitely useful, but it certainly takes time to learn ones boundaries.

[carhill]

'I believe in mutually monogamous and exclusive intimate relationships. When I'm intimate emotionally and sexually with a woman, it is for her only and is not shared with others. What's your perspective about that?'

 

One example.

[bluenightowl]

carhill:

 

I agree with that perspective for myself. It serves my interests at this point in my life to be sexual with one person only. Actually, I'm not even into this idea of "well I can date others because I'm only having sex with one person". Then once they have sex with the second person they dump the first person.. and they justify it. I think often in those situations it needs to be justified because there is a feeling of guilt.. and usually someone will get hurt.

 

At the same time, people having casual sex seems generally fine to me if they both want the same thing, there is good communication and so forth. Some people are very good at separating sex and emotion.

[ASG]

For me, being exclusive is something that happens organically.

I always have sex *before* I'm exclusive. I don't commit to anything or anyone till I've test driven them. But that's jst me!

And, that being said, it doesn't mean that if I'm dating someone I'm necessarily going out with other people as well. I just don't close myself to that possibility, if I don't think we're at that stage yet.

 

But that kinda has to work both ways, really. It's something that needs to be talked about.

 

I don't attach sex with emotions. So I don't necessarily become attached to anyone just by sleeping with them. Sometimes the exact opposite happens and I just lose interest.

 

So if you want to be exclusive with this girl, you need to talk to her. Don't expect sex to do the trick by itself. There needs to be words. And if she still wants to date other men and you don't, then it's time to move on, as she won't ever want a relationship with you.

[bluenightowl]

ASG:

 

When I used to only date in the 'real world' I would more or less take a similar approach, although I was never dating anyone else at the same time, and I just knew they were not as well, we just never talked about being exclusive and things did develop organically (including sex)... and sometimes they ended very quickly.. a romantic interlude.. a summer romance.. fun, romantic, exciting.. for both parties.

 

In this new "datings gone wild" .. of online multiple dating.. I find everything is accelerated.. and many people date more than one person at a time. Many of those sites encourage it. It might even be a good thing, I am not against it. I read many women raving about it.. some using it as a way to prevent them from getting hurt..

 

That said, in such an environment, having the sexual component, I feel, gets more challenging unless both people really communicate well. When you date a friend.. or when you even meet someone in the real world through work.. personally I feel there is a level of understanding that takes longer to develop in an online environment where you know there is a possibility that your next date might be dating and/or sleeping with other men.

 

For me, I think that first encounter isn't a ONS or casual sex.. its just the start of what often (for me) has led to some fabulous relationships. I think it worked well because we knew we were exclusive without saying a word.

 

In this online environment I think it does need to be talked about at some point, which I don't find to be very organic nor romantic.. and requires fairly strong communication skills whether a man or women.

[xpaperxcutx]

There is no rationality in the act of sex, but there is reason in how you go about avoiding unnecessary hurt.

 

I don't condemn people for sleeping around as long as they're safe about it, but I do find it vulgar to describe the experience as test driving. Personal experiences have taught me that it's better to hold off on sex rather than laying everything out on the table. Being a woman, this is mandatory if I'm to avoid society's double standards of labeling me ' easy". It's certainly not a bargaining chip for me to get a guy to commit, but I have to find those who don't pressure me to take my clothes off are usually the more genuine ones actually seeking productive relationships as opposed to ONS. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[bluenightowl]

xpaperxcutx:

 

"I have to find those who don't pressure me to take my clothes off are usually the more genuine ones actually seeking productive relationships as opposed to ONS. Correct me if I'm wrong"

 

Well if anyone feels pressured thats a bad sign.. but how to you define more genuine ones.. how does sex play out in those beginnings of a relationship or do you take it slow.