waterlilies Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hi! I'm new here, and I really need some help! My boyfriend, A and I have been together for a little over a year now and we live together. I am generally happy with my relationship. We have our problems but are usually able to work them out. A has an anxiety disorder. He has seen and been diagnosed by a psychologist. I am trying very hard to be accommodating to his needs. One of his fears is the dentist, but he desperately needs to go. I'm not sure just how bad the situation is with his mouth but I'm pretty sure that he's going to need root canals, and teeth pulled and whatnot. My biggest fear is that he has an undiagnosed infection, which can be very serious. He claims he hasn't been to the dentist in 10 or so years. Obviously I'm trying to get him to go for the sake of his health. I understand his anxiety and I don't judge him for it (he has panic attacks, and its legit). He's been sitting in dentists appointments with me to hopefully desensitise him so he can go himself. He's told me that he's going to go by his birthday (which was a few weeks ago) but he changed it to June. He's also said to me that he's going to look into dentists so that by June he will have gone, but he hasn't been doing it. I get the feeling that him going to the dentist in June is not going to happen, and that instead he's going to come up with some excuse. I don't really know what to do though if this happens. Part of me says I need to just let go and realize that I can't control other people's actions, even if its good for them. Another part of me wants to give him an ultimatum (I know, awful). I'm really at a loss here. Advice, please?
orion1010 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hi! I'm new here, and I really need some help! My boyfriend, A and I have been together for a little over a year now and we live together. I am generally happy with my relationship. We have our problems but are usually able to work them out. A has an anxiety disorder. He has seen and been diagnosed by a psychologist. I am trying very hard to be accommodating to his needs. One of his fears is the dentist, but he desperately needs to go. I'm not sure just how bad the situation is with his mouth but I'm pretty sure that he's going to need root canals, and teeth pulled and whatnot. My biggest fear is that he has an undiagnosed infection, which can be very serious. He claims he hasn't been to the dentist in 10 or so years. Obviously I'm trying to get him to go for the sake of his health. I understand his anxiety and I don't judge him for it (he has panic attacks, and its legit). He's been sitting in dentists appointments with me to hopefully desensitise him so he can go himself. He's told me that he's going to go by his birthday (which was a few weeks ago) but he changed it to June. He's also said to me that he's going to look into dentists so that by June he will have gone, but he hasn't been doing it. I get the feeling that him going to the dentist in June is not going to happen, and that instead he's going to come up with some excuse. I don't really know what to do though if this happens. Part of me says I need to just let go and realize that I can't control other people's actions, even if its good for them. Another part of me wants to give him an ultimatum (I know, awful). I'm really at a loss here. Advice, please? I have anxiety disorder. It's really common. Just let the denstist know. they will give him something to relax. just communicate with the dentist. The dr's are very aware of what I call "white coat syndrome". I get nervous in the denstist chair or just for an annual visit. Also, if you don't have anxiety, you don't understand. truely. Just ask the doctor for a perscription to something that will chill him out before he goes. They will accomadate. even more so if he has insurance sadly. good luck to him! Getting a 6 month cleaning at is actually relaxing to me. He will get to that point but he just needs to take that first step to get over his initial fear. well... i should say baby steps. Maybe just one thing at a time if he has a lot of issues because the longer he's in that chair, the more anxiety will build. maybe he needs multiple, short visits to realize it's do-able.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 A has an anxiety disorder. He has seen and been diagnosed by a psychologist. I am trying very hard to be accommodating to his needs. One of his fears is the dentist, but he desperately needs to go. I'm not sure just how bad the situation is with his mouth but I'm pretty sure that he's going to need root canals, and teeth pulled and whatnot. My biggest fear is that he has an undiagnosed infection, which can be very serious. He claims he hasn't been to the dentist in 10 or so years. Look into sleep dentistry. I am also afraid of dentists, and also suffer from anxiety (though I did see a therapist, did CBT, cognitive behaviour therapy..more on that later). Recently I did a trip to the dentist and was put out for it. A general anesthestic. Your bf cannot handle sitting in the chair, having panic and anxiety attacks so the only way for him to go is having a GA, or possibly laughing gas, or a light sedation. He needs to also go on antibotics asap! Get him to the dentist for a check up, go with him, hold his hand if need be. Obviously I'm trying to get him to go for the sake of his health. I understand his anxiety and I don't judge him for it (he has panic attacks, and its legit). He's been sitting in dentists appointments with me to hopefully desensitise him so he can go himself. He's told me that he's going to go by his birthday (which was a few weeks ago) but he changed it to June. He's also said to me that he's going to look into dentists so that by June he will have gone, but he hasn't been doing it. Oh, been there done that! Look, sit with him and make the appointment. Go with him.. Explain to him that this is just a look in the mouth and to talk to the dentist, no 'work' will be done. Or if you can't go, his therapist should go with him.. which leads me to this. What type of therapy is he doing? Is it cognitive behaviour therapy? I hope so because this type of therapy can really help! I'm proof of it! My anxiety used to be so bad, there were days when I couldn't get myself out to go grocery shopping..I"d turn around and come back home, or get there and have a panic attack, leave the groceries and go back home! Therapy helped me understand the fears, and most of all, NOT to be afraid of the anxiety and panic.. TO control it not let it control you. If possible, get your bf to post on an anxiety forum so he can get some support.. Google healingwell! I get the feeling that him going to the dentist in June is not going to happen, and that instead he's going to come up with some excuse. I don't really know what to do though if this happens. Part of me says I need to just let go and realize that I can't control other people's actions, even if its good for them. Another part of me wants to give him an ultimatum (I know, awful). I'm really at a loss here. Giving him an ultimatium is NOT the way to go with this. All it'll do is piss him off and shut him down. He is totally freaking out over this! I understand exactly where his head is. A year and a half ago I had a small cavity..I postponed going back for 15-20 minute job to get the filling... Guess what? I needed a root canal, and there was another cavity.. So one thing is, anxiety ridden folks like me and your bf, are MASTERS at procrastinating!! Be loving, be supportive, be understanding. Sympathize with him and tell him it's going to be okay because you will be there to help him
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I have anxiety disorder. It's really common. Just let the denstist know. they will give him something to relax. just communicate with the dentist. The dr's are very aware of what I call "white coat syndrome". I get nervous in the denstist chair or just for an annual visit. Also, if you don't have anxiety, you don't understand. truely. Just ask the doctor for a perscription to something that will chill him out before he goes. They will accomadate. even more so if he has insurance sadly. good luck to him! Getting a 6 month cleaning at is actually relaxing to me. He will get to that point but he just needs to take that first step to get over his initial fear. well... i should say baby steps. Maybe just one thing at a time if he has a lot of issues because the longer he's in that chair, the more anxiety will build. maybe he needs multiple, short visits to realize it's do-able. Me too. I was fine getting my teeth cleaned this time around. Last time I had them cleaned, I was full of anxiety and had to stop for a couple of minutes until I felt better.
Author waterlilies Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Thanks for the comments. It's good to hear from people who also have anxiety disorder. I think the biggest problem is that he's been putting it off and putting it off and breaking the promises he made me to go. I'm not sure how to go about getting him to actually do it! He has anxiety medication for emergency panic attacks. He says he's planning to use it when he goes. I've definitely offered to go with him and I've been extremely supportive. It seems like every time I want to talk about it with him though, he gets upset and doesn't want to talk about it and its very frustrating. He quit therapy. It was just with a general counsellor though. I'm thinking about talking to him about doing cognitive.... but once again I can't make him do anything. I'm really just sick of dealing with it, to be honest. This is extremely emotionally draining, form my perspective, and I don't get someone to lean on when I'm upset about it. Its a one way street with his anxiety. I get to play loving girlfriend and he can blow off my feelings... I'm so afraid for his health and he doesn't seem to care. Thinking about him possibly dying because he has an underlying infection makes me instantly sob. I've put off a trip I want to go on to be there for his dental appointment...so he can put it off and not go.
Eeyore79 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 How on earth can you kiss him when his mouth is so gross? Urgh! Isn't it dangerous for you to kiss someone with an infected mouth? This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship - you're his girlfriend not his mommy, and you shouldn't have to deal with him refusing to go to the dentist or having anxiety attacks. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life looking after him because he's incapable of taking care of himself? What if you have kids - he's going to be like another big kid for you to cope with, not an adult who can share responsibilities. His dental problems sound like the least of your worries...
sb129 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I am a dentist, and I am sympathetic towards your BFs anxieties, and I use lots of sedation and anti anxiety drugs to help people, I also have a TV with headphones to use as a distraction. I have LOTS of little tricks that make being at the dentist a more pleasant experience. BUT- I don't have a magical chariot that forces people into my office, getting there has to be their thing. He has to own his problem enough to get him into the chair to start dealing with it. Eeyore raises a good point- it is actually bad for you to be kissing someone with poor dental health. Numerous studies have shown that damaging bacteria can be passed from person to person and it can increase your risk of dental decay and periodontal disease. This website has some great information on dental disease and changing the traditional dental approach of fill and drill to one of prevention and being decay free for life. I recently heard the guy who started the website speak and he was incredible, its changed the way I do things. Good luck!
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