stephmichelle Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone, I'm becoming a regular on here I must say...My ex and I were together 3 years, broken up almost 3 months, NC for almost 3 weeks (he texted me not too long ago but I never responded), he already has a new gf. So, while we were still together, his roommate got engaged and his wedding is this Saturday. They're having it in Florida and asked my now ex if he wanted to be an usher. We had planned on driving there with his roommate and fiance' and staying the week. Well, we have over 30 mutual friends and one of them let it slip that my ex DID still leave for FL on Monday - and he took is new gf of 2 weeks with him. I was surprised because his roommate hates her and he's staying in the same hotel room with them until they leave for their honeymoon. He's taking this girl that he's only been with for 2 weeks to FL?! So, OUR plans have turned into THEIR plans. I guess what hurts me the most is he is just having the time of his life right now, not a care in the world. He has a new gf to keep him company at night and a week in FL to party. While I'm here...by myself...with thoughts still crossing my mind every now and then. I don't want him back, it has nothing to do with that, it just hurts that he doesn't appear to be hurting at all. He's continuing on with the plans we made with some other girl. He's got everything he wants right now...it's just not fair He just really doesn't deserve to be happy - I know it's a terrible thing for me to say, but it's the truth. The pissed off and bitter woman inside of me wants his rebound (if that's what it is?) relationship to fail miserably, get a dose of the real world, and hurt terribly. I haven't cried in about 2 weeks...so I guess I'm just having a terrible night and I'm past due... Edited May 18, 2011 by stephmichelle
MissMoni Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. That guy sounds like a jerk! I feel that we all have bad days where we just want to sit and cry, I can definitely relate. Don't feel bad about wishing he wasn't happy - it's all apart of the healing process. The best thing right now is to remind yourself that all things are happening for a reason and not to keep tabs on what your ex is doing. I know it is SO hard. Think of this as not a personal slight against you, but simply as life moving on. The fact that he moved on so quickly should reinforce he is not worth your time! I know, it is easier said than done. Hang in there! Do you have any friends you can go to about this?
Author stephmichelle Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 I am sorry to hear that you are having a bad day. That guy sounds like a jerk! I feel that we all have bad days where we just want to sit and cry, I can definitely relate. Don't feel bad about wishing he wasn't happy - it's all apart of the healing process. The best thing right now is to remind yourself that all things are happening for a reason and not to keep tabs on what your ex is doing. I know it is SO hard. Think of this as not a personal slight against you, but simply as life moving on. The fact that he moved on so quickly should reinforce he is not worth your time! I know, it is easier said than done. Hang in there! Do you have any friends you can go to about this? Thank you It seems like I'll have days where I just really don't care and then BAM - I feel miserbale a few days later. We have a ton of mutual friends so I have to be careful who I talk to about things, but I do have a great support system around me with some really close friends. I'm sure they get tired of hearing about it though so I come here sometimes instead. I'm glad to hear I'm not a terrible person by wishing he was unhappy... I do think tonight will be rough but I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow again. It's up and down
Lilmisus Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I def can feel ya chica! Just realize that this is just temporary "happiness" for him. He's trying to move on just as you are right now, I'm sure, but his way of coping is dating someone new and trying to fill the gaps where you were supposed to be. The fact that he's bringing her along and fulfilling the plans that y'all had together, just proves that that's what he's doing right now. It sucks feeling so replaceable, I know. I'm in the same boat. But you're not, so don't let this make you feel that way. She's just a space holder, nothing more.
PelicanPete Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Keep your head up champ! I skimmed through why you guys broke up and this guy sounds like hes a baby. He is using whoever this girl that he's with now so that he can ignore the emotions of your breakup. It's the equivalent of taking sleeping pills for your insomnia - It only masks the real problem. Why do you think he took that girl to the wedding? If he went by himself he would be thinking "Gee, this is what stephmichelle and I were suppose to be doing together, but now were broken up". Instead of dealing with that initial thought snowballing into missing you, he took the rebound so that he can do his best to ignore those thoughts. So just look at it this way. Both of you are sad over the break up in some form. While you are trying to deal with and understand your emotions, he is just trying to ignore it and hopes it will go away. While you are becoming a stronger and wiser person, he'll remain the same jerk. Who do you think will be happier in the long run?
guccimane99 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Excuse my language but **** this *******. This guy is retarded as hell to be honest. Two weeks thats insane she must be a clingy girl and so i he, but to be honest its the honeymoon stage. Nothing either of them do will make a difference. He may feel it one day when he sees ur not there or logs onto facebook or whatever and sees a photo with u and another guy. I say this on every thread "u don't know what you got till its gone." When ur gone hell realize it and feel stupid whether he acts up it or not is up to him. If i was in ur position i would drop out of sight. I know its easier said then done but realize that with him not knowing what ur doing it will put a big old question mark in his head i wonder what so and so is doing. I deleted my facebook like two, maybe three weeks ago. I do not want to hear about her and the guy she either left me for or found like a week later. Honestly, they realize they messed up when there new relationship starts to fall apart and your not there or the person they left u for leave. I just believe its when your not there and they miss the way u made them feel or the jokes you used to crack.
Author stephmichelle Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Both of you are sad over the break up in some form. While you are trying to deal with and understand your emotions, he is just trying to ignore it and hopes it will go away. While you are becoming a stronger and wiser person, he'll remain the same jerk. Who do you think will be happier in the long run? I was right about having a rough night...it's 3am and I can't sleep. I really believe this is right - I'm accepting the pain and hurt of our seperation while he's just sweeping it under the rug. He doesn't act like anything bothers him right now but I hope in a couple of months it hits him...and hits him HARD! I've learned a lot through this break up to make me a better person and I don't think he's learned anything. I hope...wait, I know...that I'll be happier in the long run. Thank you for putting it that way
Author stephmichelle Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Thank you guys so much for replying...it makes me feel not so alone to know that there's people out there who care and have felt/feeling the same way as I am. That really is what hurts the most...feeling replaced. Especially so soon. I'm way past the stage of "I hope he comes back" because I don't, I see now that he can't offer me everything I want and need, I KNOW he's a complete jerk - but being replaced still hurts me. I'm trying to drop out of sight - when he sent that crappy text message about him being with her and I didn't deserve to know sooner, normally I would've told him exactly how I felt, but I just ignored it. I took him off of my FB and made everything completely private - I'm thinking about blocking him but I like knowing he can still see my profile picture if he ever snoops, I usually make sure there's a really good one on there Were pretty much enemies at this point because of the way he's acted within the last 3 months. He doesn't care though. Lilmisus, I love what you said about her being a space holder - I hope that's true not because I want him to come running back, but because I want him to be alone and miserable lol But then I start having these crazy thoughts like what if they actually stay together and they get married and she gets all of these things that he couldn't give me in the 3 years we were together (living together, marriage, family, ect). It hurts to think about it. There really should be a time limit for the dumper to get a new gf/bf just out of respect for the dumpee (if the dumpee did nothing crazy like cheat, abusive, ect). In a perfect world, the dumpee would always find someone else first. Feeling so easily replaced hurts me more than anything Knowing he's giving her what I wanted (attention, love, respect) sucks, too. I just hope after they get out of the "honeymoon phase", he'll see how mean he's been and maybe offer me an apology one day - but I'm not holding my breath though. Edited May 18, 2011 by stephmichelle
PelicanPete Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I was with my ex for almost 4 years with her completely infatuated with me until the end when I needed her support and understanding because of a difficult time in my life.That's when she cheated/left me for another guy. I was heartbroken when it first happened. I felt expendable, betrayed, and worthless. She would harass with emails saying our relationship was a joke, that I was half the man her new guy was, and that I was abusive. I knew none of it was true but it still hurt coming from her. I didn't understand why she was so spiteful to me even though I was never mean to her. It was apparently my fault she cheated on me and left me for this other guy, along with every other negative thing that happened during our relationship. I actually believed her for a little while until I was able to think clearly and understand the big picture. 5 months later I realize her breaking up with me was the best thing that has ever happened to me. It ended with me sending her all of her important things back to her, wishing her the best in the future, and apologizing for any pain I might have caused her. I have yet to receive an apology and that was 3 months ago. She harassed me with emails but it didn't bring me out of NC. It turns out the new guy and her got married 4 months into their relationship, while were all just turning 21 this year. I guess the point of this is if your ex starts making big decisions with ms.rebound, it just shows he's trying to fill the massive void in his heart that you once filled. I guarantee he is comparing your relationship and rebounds relationship, and the bigger moves he makes with her just shows he's having trouble handling your break up. If he's mean to you, it just shows that he's unhappy or in pain. If he starts moving fast with rebound, it means he's trying to fill the large void that you once filled. By him taking her to that wedding, that just shows he's having a hard time trying to "replace" you. Each time you hear about his antics through the grapevine it will bug you less and less. After identifying my ex's reasons for acting this way, I think it's hilarious she's married into a 4 month relationship at 20. In time you'll start to understand your ex-relationship as well, and it won't hurt anymore.
cookiecrumbles Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Remember the song "breakeven" by the script. Someone will always hurt more than the other, just shows you cared more about the relationship and you have respect for your relationship. Someone who just jumps into something is not ready, like everyone said its just to fill the void, it is impossible for someone to get over someone so quick after a long relationship, he is just using her. I wouldnt worry too much about him anyway, he didnt even have the decency to allow your relationship some time to heal, He isnt worth it.
betterdeal Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) That really is what hurts the most...feeling replaced. Replaced as the surrogate mother, the emotional punchbag, the centre of someone else's neurosis? You may not believe this now, but you choose to get out of the arrangement as much as he did, and you choose for very good reasons. You're a bright, sensitive, kind, fun, thoughtful soul and that relationship was harming you. Don't deny your anger, fear, pain, relief, shock, happiness. You have a whirlwind of emotions at the moment, perhaps because you had to suppress then all so much whilst you were the distraction for this other person's pain. You gave time, patience, mind, body and soul. Is he really good enough for you, in retrospect? He certainly wasn't then and he's showing no signs of being so now. So thank yourself, your inner core, your soul for being so giving, so patient and yet for maintaining its self-respect, your self-respect. Let yourself cry, shout, curse, and sleep and stretch and skip and enjoy the sunshine. You've survived this and you're better for it. You're in charge, you are okay, you are beautiful in all ways. Take very good care of yourself: you're the best person you will ever know. It's over, and that is a good thing. Edited May 18, 2011 by betterdeal
Author stephmichelle Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Thank you everyone, especially PelicanPete and betterdeal, for replying. I've been in bed all day, its thunderstorming outside and I'm still feeling a little depressed. I'm going to print this thread off though so I can reread everything whenever I start feeling low like this. He isn't what I want any longer and I have to keep reminding myself of that, even though I still love him, he's no good for me At least this is as bad as it can get really - him being with someone else. So, I guess it can only start to get better from here!
Author stephmichelle Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Thunderstorms rock! We've been getting them almost everyday here in Oklahoma lol Maybe that's why I'm so gloomy!
Sassygirl2 Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Hey Steph - You sound as though you are going to make it through this just fine. You are strong. I can relate to your story about being replaced so soon. My exbf was on the online dating site 3 weeks after dumping me. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when I saw him. It hurts to think he may already be talking to other women and may have even had a date! Just 6 weeks ago we were looking at houses together to move our families into. It blows my mind. I have to agree with many of the posters that this is the way our ex'es are dealing with their pain. There is no doubt a VOID left when they leave and one way or another they are going to deal with it. I think a lot of men don't want to feel the pain so they just do what's easy and that's to start dating again. But the thing is, they will miss us as soon as that new person does something that annoys them or they don't like. Then they will say, "hey, she wasn't that bad." At least that's my opinion. Everyone is different but you can probably assume he is just trying to fill the void of no longer having you there.
justagirrl Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Hello everyone, I'm becoming a regular on here I must say...My ex and I were together 3 years, broken up almost 3 months, NC for almost 3 weeks (he texted me not too long ago but I never responded), he already has a new gf. So, while we were still together, his roommate got engaged and his wedding is this Saturday. They're having it in Florida and asked my now ex if he wanted to be an usher. We had planned on driving there with his roommate and fiance' and staying the week. Well, we have over 30 mutual friends and one of them let it slip that my ex DID still leave for FL on Monday - and he took is new gf of 2 weeks with him. I was surprised because his roommate hates her and he's staying in the same hotel room with them until they leave for their honeymoon. He's taking this girl that he's only been with for 2 weeks to FL?! So, OUR plans have turned into THEIR plans. I guess what hurts me the most is he is just having the time of his life right now, not a care in the world. He has a new gf to keep him company at night and a week in FL to party. While I'm here...by myself...with thoughts still crossing my mind every now and then. I don't want him back, it has nothing to do with that, it just hurts that he doesn't appear to be hurting at all. He's continuing on with the plans we made with some other girl. He's got everything he wants right now...it's just not fair He just really doesn't deserve to be happy - I know it's a terrible thing for me to say, but it's the truth. The pissed off and bitter woman inside of me wants his rebound (if that's what it is?) relationship to fail miserably, get a dose of the real world, and hurt terribly. I haven't cried in about 2 weeks...so I guess I'm just having a terrible night and I'm past due... I'm having a terrible night as well. I found out my "ex" (I don't know if I can even call him that yet...) is going to Atlantic City with his friends tonight to this pool party at Harrah's for this Graduation celebration thing that hundreds of people out age are going to...and him and his friends got a room. He managed to tell me all of this like I wouldn't care. Men are less mature than us.....it just sucks what they put us thru.
betterdeal Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 We've been getting them almost everyday here in Oklahoma lol Maybe that's why I'm so gloomy! Almost certainly something in the present day is making you feel down; and you've just mistakenly associated it with some guy you were involved with in the past. Some people here (Cambridge, UK) use tanning salons in winter to beat the winder blues. Makes sense in that lack of sunlight can lead to low levels of vitamin D3 and melatonin (a hormone used to regulate sleep) so some people are pretty highly tuned to daylight levels.
justagirrl Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Almost certainly something in the present day is making you feel down; and you've just mistakenly associated it with some guy you were involved with in the past. Some people here (Cambridge, UK) use tanning salons in winter to beat the winder blues. Makes sense in that lack of sunlight can lead to low levels of vitamin D3 and melatonin (a hormone used to regulate sleep) so some people are pretty highly tuned to daylight levels. I work at a tanning salon and this is 100% true. I have customers who come in with perscriptions because they have problems with depression and were advised that tanning would help
Author stephmichelle Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I'm feeling a little better - I'm going out with friends tonight I'm sure it's because of how I've been feeling the last couple days but I layed in bed lastnight wishing I had responded to his text with the text I wrote up (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t277642/). I still feel I made the right decision by ignoring it but its SO HARD for me to not have the last word when it comes to something like that. I guess it's just hard for me to keep my mouth shut when someone is pretty much talking down to me lol It's still in the back of my head though, it's hard for me to let that one go. I still have the urge to send it... Please talk some sense into me!
Author stephmichelle Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 I work at a tanning salon and this is 100% true. I have customers who come in with perscriptions because they have problems with depression and were advised that tanning would help I actually did start tanning a couple weeks ago to lift my spirits! I'm also leaving for Cali in a couple weeks to visit family and I didn't want to be pale - but it really does help left my mood! It relaxes me I need some sort of sun especially when it rains almost every day here in spring!
SCG_Sasa1111 Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 I have just recently went through the same thing back in November my ex left our 4.5 year relationship behind because she said she was developing feelings from this guy (that i also knew) from her undergraduate program who came into the picture when I left for 15 days to visit my family in my country. In these 15 days she was so lonely and depressed that this made her get attached to someone else because she couldn't take being alone? Go figure right? 4.5 years just like that i was erased from her and replaced. I have never felt this pain before in my life because she is my first SERIOUS girlfriend and she was my best friend and closest person to me. I put 1000000 percent trust in her and I really needed her there for me because my parents r also going through a tough time; they are getting divorced, my dad cheated on my mom and everything just went downhill. Literally not a year after I find out that this happened, she basically does the same thing and behind my back lies to me; becomes colder and eventually when I came over to her place in October to talk to her about this relationship that I saw that guy coming from down the stairs..he was at her place at 11 pm at night...after that moment I felt the world crash around me. I felt like I had no one ; this one gir thatl I loved deeply and trusted with everything who I thought would be there for me ends up completely forgetting about me just like that? After everything I have been through with her in these 4.5 years. SO i know exactly what it is you are going through. It is May and I am still feeling the effects of the breakup I am obviously a bit better with this time passing but nowhere near the level that I want to be. It hurts because its the fact that you know what has happened to you and especially as a male seeing this happen to you after so long and sharing so many moments with someone it truly shows you that it didnt mean anything at all in the end. Whats sad is that I witnessed all of this first hand, I saw the photos on facebook, I saw the in a relationship with..I saw the posts on the wall..my friends showed me stuff she wrote...this is all lik 2 weeks after we officially were done. So I really don't know what to say other than we have to accept it somehow and realize its just not worth dwelling over. I say this to myself but I know deep down inside it hurts still and will for a long time. I wish that this pain would disappear but its something you have to live with and deal with. Its one of the challenges that awaits us. I say to myself If i can get over this after 4.5 years and after what she did to me I can get over any girl that comes in the future because no one will have a bigger impact than her I feel.
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