Tybalt Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I've been happily dating and having a great time meeting people for a little while now. A few weeks ago, I was stopped in the street by a man and he asked for my number. Normally I would never agree to give my number to a stranger, but our eyes met and there was just something about him. I rattled it off as I was walking away to catch up with the friend I was with, unsure if he'd actually catch it and retain it, but he did. Since then, I have struggled with ambivalence about what to do about him. We have seen each other a few times. He is 9 years younger than I am, and there is definitely a different "life stage" dynamic going on. He is a downtown living, professional sports model/actor, I work in an office and live in the suburbs, though I do singing and acting gigs when they come up for me - so we do have something in common there. My issue right now is that I tend to think practically, and as a single mother I must. I don't know if we are the best fit for the lives we have going. Our religious beliefs are similar, we both have strong goals, and at least according to what's been said, we both have the same desire for a relationship. However, he is out playing, doing some partying, the things a guy his age would be likely to do. It crossed my mind at first he could be a player, but I don't think players usually agree to hold off on intimacy as I wish to do. I sense him even when he isn't around. Last weekend, I had a strong and irrational sense that he was near and I would see him... And sure enough I literally bumped into him in a crowded public place. The feeling of connection is very strong. When I had a sad thing happen to me this last weekend, he wanted me to come to him and I did, and all he did was hold me and comfort me. When I think of him, my chest aches. There are two other times in my life where something started in me this way, and one was a complete disaster, the other a dozen years of mostly heartache. I no longer trust in my "feelings" alone. A friend has advised me to keep doing what I am doing, don't get too invested and see how it plays out. On paper, this is not the best match. Emotionally, I am starting to feel infatuated and a little out of control. He and I have discussed all of this and he says he wants to love someone and he doesn't care. I suppose I'm feeling a little anxiety about having these emotions and am curious about other people's experience or perspective.
FrostFire Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) So a nice guy comes along and you don't know if you have feelings for him? You may not be the best fit right now but that doesn't mean in the future things can't work out. I think if you don't allow your feelings to develop for this guy then you'll be regretting or thinking about this moment with the next guy and the next guy and the next guy and the next guy... Women would love to have this type of guy but there is something that has them thinking they don't deserve this type of attention. This problem being is women getting attention from a guy that is not like they imagined or dreamed it to be. It's not with the incredibly hot hunk of a guy you were thinking. Nope. Perhaps you either need to accept this or tell the guy the truth. Emotionally, you are falling in love because of the things he's doing for you. The question herein lies are you attracted to him physically? What woman wouldn't want a man that was in tune and sensitive to a woman's emotions? Is it perhaps true that woman don't really want that sort of attention even though they say they do. Here is a guy that is in tune with your emotions and you don't know what to make out of it. :\ It's genuine, it's sincere, and he has opened himself up and is vulnerable now. These are the guys that get hurt because they show the woman they care but posts like these make me wonder if it matters any more? Just don't keep the mindset of not getting too invested and seeing how things play out because it will result in someone getting hurt if you aren't honest with each other. If you truly do not feel something for this man then you need to let him go. Don't string him along for the ride just so you can see how things play out. I could be very wrong though. This guy could be playing you like none other but it doesn't sound like it. I think because you've been hurt in the past that you are scared of getting hurt again. Until you let your insecurities go you will never be able to fully enjoy the present. Stop focusing on what was done to you in the past and live in the present the here and the now. It's hard no doubt but you feel so much better knowing that not all guys are like the ones you wasted your time with. Edited May 18, 2011 by FrostFire
Author Tybalt Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Thanks for taking time to reply, however I am not sure my post was entirely understood. I have been forthcoming and honest with him. I am incredibly attracted to him - he is a model and literally the most beautiful man I have ever seen. What I am trying to make sense of is whether the differences between us our too great given differing lifestyles and age. I am pretty well past the party stage, he is not, is what it comes down to. There is also the fact that in my history, I have fallen hard and fast twice for men who were in one case pathological, the other case too different in lifestyle and values for it to work out. So I have trouble trusting such intense attactions.
FrostFire Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Thanks for taking time to reply, however I am not sure my post was entirely understood. I have been forthcoming and honest with him. I am incredibly attracted to him - he is a model and literally the most beautiful man I have ever seen. What I am trying to make sense of is whether the differences between us our too great given differing lifestyles and age. I am pretty well past the party stage, he is not, is what it comes down to. There is also the fact that in my history, I have fallen hard and fast twice for men who were in one case pathological, the other case too different in lifestyle and values for it to work out. So I have trouble trusting such intense attactions. Okay so I did misunderstand you. Ask yourself if you will have trouble in the future moving on from this guy or will you be phased with the "What if's" questions. You will only be able to make sense of the differences if you're willing to open yourself up and devote yourself to him. Yes, it's going to be challenge because you have gotten hurt in the past. I just don't think given your frame of mind you'll be able to go to another guy and not have these feeling for this other guy pop back up in your head. I think it's better to act on the impulse on what this guy has to offer despite a few differences. I do think there is a very high possibility that you can work through your differences and you will fall even more for this guy. So what's worse? Not knowing what your chances were with this guy or getting hurt by this guy? If you're scared of being hurt then you need to take some time off and focus on getting over those insecurities first before entering into another relationship - self healing if you will. You yourself already said that you have been in a previous relationship that didn't work because of too different of lifestyles. If this is your mindset for this relationship it will never work. You have to work through what happened to you in the past and leave at the past and not dwell on it so much. It's not to say it isn't valid to allow those thoughts to occur but don't dwell on them. Not all men are like the "bad eggs" you have met. Perhaps this guy is different? Give him a chance and he'll either unlock your heart or destroy it. It's the chance we all take in relationships. Good luck! Edited May 18, 2011 by FrostFire
Eeyore79 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I think you should be very careful here. You already admitted that you're at different life stages. Yes, there's a possibility that he might be a genuine guy who wants to settle down with a single mom, give up partying and raise a family - but it's more likely that he's a player. A young handsome man who approaches women in the street seems unlikely to be the type who would want to settle down with an older woman and a ready-made family. By all means continue seeing him if you enjoy his company, but don't invest in the relationship unless you're 100% sure he's going to stick around.
Author Tybalt Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 This seems like very sound advice. I feel good about myself and what I have to offer someone - that being said, this reasoning is logical. After all the posts about men in their 20's not being keen on dating women with children, with the facts at hand, I agree some caution is in order. With his level of attentiveness and willingness to allow the relationship to evolve physically over time, etc, I think it is worth seeing where it goes, but I will remain aware of the dynamic and act accordingly. While I am pretty grounded in reality, the level at which we connect gives me pause and I am willing to consider the possibility that this could be real. He's told me he is ready for a change in his current lifestyle, and that he wants what I want. We shall see...
Knittress Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 I think it's easier to find someone to love than it is find someone to make a life with. I had an intense relationship with someone I knew from the get-go wouldn't work into my lifeplan - do I regret it? No. Would I be willing to knowingly put myself through that again? No.
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