Is ignorance bliss?

May 18, 2011

I have a question for people who have been on the "betrayed" end of an affair (at least, for a very short term affair or one night stand - I can see how a long term affair is a different ball game)... I am sorry if it comes off a bit morbid or abstract, it's just the way I can clear some waters around my own personal situation.

So your wife or husband had a one-night stand and after agonizing for 2 months, overcome by the shame and guilt they came true, confessed on their knees, etc. Now you get to deal with the insecurity and anger, the blow to self confidence, maybe some guilt because "must have done something wrong to him for him to think that slut's bed was better".

Do you now wish that they had clammed up and dealt with their own guilt instead of involving you and destroying most or all of the relationship you 2 had, or are you grateful you get to see their true colors and at least know what you are up against, with a hope to rebuild your marriage on more solid grounds? In theory, you feel better knowing that you have the truth.. or are they just acting selfish again, putting their moral principles above your well being?

May 18, 2011

I have a question for people who have been on the "betrayed" end of an affair (at least, for a very short term affair or one night stand - I can see how a long term affair is a different ball game)... I am sorry if it comes off a bit morbid or abstract, it's just the way I can clear some waters around my own personal situation.

So your wife or husband had a one-night stand and after agonizing for 2 months, overcome by the shame and guilt they came true, confessed on their knees, etc. Now you get to deal with the insecurity and anger, the blow to self confidence, maybe some guilt because "must have done something wrong to him for him to think that slut's bed was better".

Do you now wish that they had clammed up and dealt with their own guilt instead of involving you and destroying most or all of the relationship you 2 had, or are you grateful you get to see their true colors and at least know what you are up against, with a hope to rebuild your marriage on more solid grounds? In theory, you feel better knowing that you have the truth.. or are they just acting selfish again, putting their moral principles above your well being?

I believe truth is better than lying if you hope to repair the marriage.

Can't achieve true intimacy if one or both of you are keeping secrets or leading a secret life, one that involves infidelity. I don't care if it is a ONS or a long term affair.

You could have a working partnership, a good enough relationship I guess, if that is what you want. But I do not see that as a true marriage.

And it all depends on what you do with that truth: Do you get IC and MC and try to understand why someone stepped outside the marriage and what to do to fix it?

Or does one apologize and then both hope it goes away? Because that won't fix anything.

It will happen again.

May 18, 2011

I have a question for people who have been on the "betrayed" end of an affair (at least, for a very short term affair or one night stand - I can see how a long term affair is a different ball game)... I am sorry if it comes off a bit morbid or abstract, it's just the way I can clear some waters around my own personal situation.

So your wife or husband had a one-night stand and after agonizing for 2 months, overcome by the shame and guilt they came true, confessed on their knees, etc. Now you get to deal with the insecurity and anger, the blow to self confidence, maybe some guilt because "must have done something wrong to him for him to think that slut's bed was better".

Do you now wish that they had clammed up and dealt with their own guilt instead of involving you and destroying most or all of the relationship you 2 had, or are you grateful you get to see their true colors and at least know what you are up against, with a hope to rebuild your marriage on more solid grounds? In theory, you feel better knowing that you have the truth.. or are they just acting selfish again, putting their moral principles above your well being?

No, nope, no way, nada! Open your damn mouth and speak. Give me the option of staying with someone who will cheat or not. If the partners well being is truly of concern, tell them so they can be tested and find their own piece of mind.

May 18, 2011

I think men can deal with covering it up by lying more easily than women, because women have more trouble separating love from just sex.

So I think the option of lying probably is more justifiable if the cheater is a man than if the cheater is a woman.

May 18, 2011

My opinion on this has changed drastically over the years. 6 years ago my mom and dad split up because he cheated on her many years back. She found out through someone else. I used to wish so badly that she had never found out because it caused her so much pain. When I cheated on my husband, I thought I should do the same thing (never tell him) in order to prevent my husband from the hurt my mom went through. Here's the thing...I couldn't NOT tell him. I realized that I'm not like my dad. I couldn't lie to my husband and not give him the chance to leave me if he wanted. I didn't want to live a lie. I wanted to be close to him again and I knew I couldn't if I had that kind of secret. Not to mention, I didn't trust myself to stay away from xOM all on my own. My husband thanked me over and over for telling him. It showed that I loved him and cared about him enough to not keep such a huge secret from him. My mom has told me many times she wished my dad had just told her years ago that he had cheated so she could make her choice then to leave or stay. She resents not knowing until 15 years later now that she's older, alone, close to retirement with no one to grow old with. Her betrayal is felt in layers, and it all began with a lie. I love my dad, don't get me wrong. I have compassion for him and my mom, but I do understand where she is coming from. No matter what,in my opinion, if you love someone, you will tell the truth and let them decide what they can deal with. Let them decide if they want to stay married or leave. In the end, secrets kill and destroy a marriage.

May 18, 2011

My opinion on this has changed drastically over the years. 6 years ago my mom and dad split up because he cheated on her many years back. She found out through someone else. I used to wish so badly that she had never found out because it caused her so much pain. When I cheated on my husband, I thought I should do the same thing (never tell him) in order to prevent my husband from the hurt my mom went through. Here's the thing...I couldn't NOT tell him. I realized that I'm not like my dad. I couldn't lie to my husband and not give him the chance to leave me if he wanted. I didn't want to live a lie. I wanted to be close to him again and I knew I couldn't if I had that kind of secret. Not to mention, I didn't trust myself to stay away from xOM all on my own. My husband thanked me over and over for telling him. It showed that I loved him and cared about him enough to not keep such a huge secret from him. My mom has told me many times she wished my dad had just told her years ago that he had cheated so she could make her choice then to leave or stay. She resents not knowing until 15 years later now that she's older, alone, close to retirement with no one to grow old with. Her betrayal is felt in layers, and it all began with a lie. I love my dad, don't get me wrong. I have compassion for him and my mom, but I do understand where she is coming from. No matter what,in my opinion, if you love someone, you will tell the truth and let them decide what they can deal with. Let them decide if they want to stay married or leave. In the end, secrets kill and destroy a marriage.

Bravo! Say it again. :bunny:

May 18, 2011

My opinion on this has changed drastically over the years. 6 years ago my mom and dad split up because he cheated on her many years back. She found out through someone else. I used to wish so badly that she had never found out because it caused her so much pain. When I cheated on my husband, I thought I should do the same thing (never tell him) in order to prevent my husband from the hurt my mom went through. Here's the thing...I couldn't NOT tell him. I realized that I'm not like my dad. I couldn't lie to my husband and not give him the chance to leave me if he wanted. I didn't want to live a lie. I wanted to be close to him again and I knew I couldn't if I had that kind of secret. Not to mention, I didn't trust myself to stay away from xOM all on my own. My husband thanked me over and over for telling him. It showed that I loved him and cared about him enough to not keep such a huge secret from him.

Janey thank you so much for the candid comment, I really appreciate it more than you can know.

I can see what you mean by "couldn't not tell him", but it's wonderful that he found the understanding in his heart and the gratefulness for your honesty - congratz to you 2

May 18, 2011

I have a question for people who have been on the "betrayed" end of an affair (at least, for a very short term affair or one night stand - I can see how a long term affair is a different ball game)... I am sorry if it comes off a bit morbid or abstract, it's just the way I can clear some waters around my own personal situation.

So your wife or husband had a one-night stand and after agonizing for 2 months, overcome by the shame and guilt they came true, confessed on their knees, etc. Now you get to deal with the insecurity and anger, the blow to self confidence, maybe some guilt because "must have done something wrong to him for him to think that slut's bed was better".

Do you now wish that they had clammed up and dealt with their own guilt instead of involving you and destroying most or all of the relationship you 2 had, or are you grateful you get to see their true colors and at least know what you are up against, with a hope to rebuild your marriage on more solid grounds? In theory, you feel better knowing that you have the truth.. or are they just acting selfish again, putting their moral principles above your well being?

Are you asking as a WS feeling guilty and trying to figure out what to do? Or did your H tell you something you didn't want to hear and now you're trying to figure out why he told you?

Putting myself in the BS's position, I'd want full disclosure so that I could decide whether or not to stay with this person. If the relationship was ending, I'm not sure what I'd really want. I was once engaged (no, not married, and I know it's different) to someone who was almost definitely cheating on me. When I found myself checking his email (I had his password) and looking through his cell phone, I realized our trust was already broken. I knew he could easily delete everything he sent/received, and I knew that just by doubting him, I doubted the foundation of our relationship, and I couldn't marry someone I had so little faith in before we took our vows.

Ten years later, I'll never know unless we reconnect and he comes clean. But I never asked him. Had we actually been married, I would have pushed for the truth before ending it. Since we didn't marry, I don't ever want to know. And if we had gotten married and divorced, I'm not sure that knowing he was unfaithful would have helped me get over him. The distance and lack of trust alone was enough to get me past it; I never would have felt fully safe with him.

I was involved with someone else before ending my relationship with my fiance (recently). I didn't tell him because my unfaithfulness was not the cause of our breakup, and I thought it would only hurt him more. If I chose to marry him, I would have told him what I did so that he could either choose to forgive me or choose to end our engagement.

If you're married and wondering how the BS feels, that will vary widely. You want to make your marriage work? I can't imagine you can have an honest lifelong relationship without being fully honest and dealing with the repercussions, which may last decades, truthfully. If you don't tell him, you're building an entire life on lies, and it will eat away at you forever, if you genuinely care about him. You're in a lose-lose, which is why affairs suck...but if you want to make it work, better to deal with his anger and the guilt than just insurmountable guilt and the feeling that you are living a lie.

May 18, 2011

I always said I wanted the truth no matter what. But after the pain of the A I wondered if it would have been better if I had never known. I know I don't really feel that way but when the emotions run high I wonder.

May 18, 2011

I have a question for people who have been on the "betrayed" end of an affair (at least, for a very short term affair or one night stand - I can see how a long term affair is a different ball game)... I am sorry if it comes off a bit morbid or abstract, it's just the way I can clear some waters around my own personal situation.

Okay, I will share and hope that it helps you...especially since the scenario you describe is very similar to what I experienced. I really hope that you are not an OW or WS here to poke fun at the pain of BS's here or misuse our posts.

But, I will respond in hopes that it will help someone.

So your wife or husband had a one-night stand and after agonizing for 2 months, overcome by the shame and guilt they came true, confessed on their knees, etc.

My H had a brief (one time) physical affair and weird convoluted friendship with a work colleague. Mostly, it was lots of talking/texts/emails for about 4 months with the physical part thrown in somewhere in the middle.

He did confess to me after agonizing for about 2 months. He did a lot of damage in the meantime by trying to distance himself from me and asking for a divorce only to turn around the next day and want to try again.

Now you get to deal with the insecurity and anger, the blow to self confidence, maybe some guilt because "must have done something wrong to him for him to think that slut's bed was better".

I did feel all those things that you describe...I think most BSs feel that way.

I didn't think the bolded part though about her bed being better. It didn't apply to my own situation.

Do you now wish that they had clammed up and dealt with their own guilt instead of involving you and destroying most or all of the relationship you 2 had, or are you grateful you get to see their true colors and at least know what you are up against, with a hope to rebuild your marriage on more solid grounds?

The truth hurt very badly but in a way after months of my husband acting crazy...his admission was a relief. Finally, things made sense.

I was glad he told me.

As for his "true colors" I think it showed his "true colors" to admit such a horrific thing.

I actually maintained a level of respect for him and he was able to maintain some of my trust in him because he confessed what he had done.

He could have tried to cover it up and make nice but instead he took the hard path.

I asked him (months later) why he had confessed when I had no inkling...even though now I see that all the signs were there when I look back at those months...he said I needed to know and that I deserved to know.

In theory, you feel better knowing that you have the truth.. or are they just acting selfish again, putting their moral principles above your well being?

Again, it hurt me very badly to be told the truth. And honestly, there were times, especially early on, that I almost wished that he hadn't told me. That he instead had to bear that burden alone while he recommitted himself to faithfulness.

But it wouldn't have been honest. That secret would have always been there between us hampering our relationship and there was that chance that somehow it could have come to light.

Knowing my H as I do, I don't think he could have lived like that.

Edited May 18, 2011 by Snowflower

May 18, 2011

Thanks, Snowflower, your post helps a lot. No, it is not my intention at all to poke fun at BS. In truth I have been faithful but find myself on both sides of the sickle - suspicious that my wife may have had an affair a few years back and weighing whether to leave it buried or press for answers, and wondering what I should do should I have an A on my own side, and just how much damage that would do. Anyway, there is more, but I must get to work - just wanted to thank you and the other posters for sharing.

May 18, 2011

I am going to go out on a limp here and examine the consequences on both end (which i am sure some LSer will slam it .. but let's try some reasoning anyway).

Assumptions.

WS has a one-time ONS, never again. Otherwise he/she is acting like a loving spouse. Also that there is no trail, no clues, no evidence so it is NOT possible for the BS to find out on her own.

From the BS point of view:

If WS confess, anger, hurt, lack of trust .. all those stuff that you expect.

If WS does NOT confess, BS will believe, falsely, that WS has never stray, and will be in the *same* mindset as she is in a happy marriage.

All those who said they feel they are glad they were told .. the reasoning are all contingent on the KNOWING the information that WS strayed. For example:

"I actually maintained a level of respect for him and he was able to maintain some of my trust in him because he confessed what he had done."

Well, if it was not disclosed, and the affair was not detectable, you would have maintained a HIGHER level of respect .. i.e. thinking he never stray, and your trust will be total .. minus all the pain.

The point is that before the disclosure, in this case, the WS is indistinguishable from a perfect spouse.

From the WS point of view:

Obviously the consequence of not telling is guilt (assuming there is no fear to be discovered .. otherwise there will be fear too).

And how much guilt affect a person varies across individuals. Of course if this guilt changes the WS behavior, then my assumptions are no longer true, and the BS may be able to detect. However, I am right now assuming that it is not the case. And whether the person can act like nothing is out of ordinary .. once again .. depends on the person.

Lastly, someone say you cannot repair your marriage, or it is not a "true" marriage if there is no total honesty. THAT depends on WHO can judge what a true marriage is.

From a distance, knowing the facts (that there is a WS), *we* can tell that the marriage is not "true". However, from a BS point of view, if the A is hidden, and everything goes as normal, the marriage is the same whether it is "true" or "false". There is no difference for her.

This asymmetry of information is an important principle in economics, and I think the reasoning needs to be applied here.

May 18, 2011

I have been in the situation you describe. First my husband advertised himself online as wanting sex outside the marriage and ended up being scammed out of thousands of dollars in the process of trying to meet up with what he likes to call 'models' (read: hookers). When I found out and kicked him out, he was contrite, we entered counseling together, and even while we were reconciling he hired a street hooker and took her back to his apt one night in a 'hell why not' frame of mind. He kept it a secret for five months until he came clean one night after I found some sketchy things on his computer (unrelated).

I will admit, there are days when I wish he had never told me about the street hooker. It has caused me much more pain than the original sin, because it just seems so dirty to me. In the first scenario, he was at least talking to these (fake) women on line first and 'getting to know' them before deciding he wanted to screw them. To be walking home from a bar at midnight and pick up some street corner whore just seems like something a total lowlife would do, someone at rock bottom. Which, I don't know, I guess he was. Anyway, my mind is having a lot of trouble wrapping itself around the fact he took his penis out for this street hooker. A LOT of trouble. If he had never told me, I would be a much happier person today.

But, if he had never told me about it, he would still know, and I would NOT know how far down he really was at that point in his life. He would have a secret that he could never forget, and all the while he was pretending to reconcile with me and work through the devastation of his first tryst, the second would be eroding everything we were doing from within him. My whole life would be a lie. i know that even though I wouldn't know exactly what it was, I would know there was something poisonous going on. And our fake reconciliation would fail. So not only would he be wasting my life pretending to love me, but he would be wasting his own, because it would eventually break down, and only he would know the real reason why.

May 18, 2011

I am going to go out on a limp here and examine the consequences on both end (which i am sure some LSer will slam it .. but let's try some reasoning anyway).

Assumptions.

WS has a one-time ONS, never again. Otherwise he/she is acting like a loving spouse. Also that there is no trail, no clues, no evidence so it is NOT possible for the BS to find out on her own.

From the BS point of view:

If WS confess, anger, hurt, lack of trust .. all those stuff that you expect.

If WS does NOT confess, BS will believe, falsely, that WS has never stray, and will be in the *same* mindset as she is in a happy marriage.

All those who said they feel they are glad they were told .. the reasoning are all contingent on the KNOWING the information that WS strayed. For example:

"I actually maintained a level of respect for him and he was able to maintain some of my trust in him because he confessed what he had done."

Well, if it was not disclosed, and the affair was not detectable, you would have maintained a HIGHER level of respect .. i.e. thinking he never stray, and your trust will be total .. minus all the pain.

The point is that before the disclosure, in this case, the WS is indistinguishable from a perfect spouse.

From the WS point of view:

Obviously the consequence of not telling is guilt (assuming there is no fear to be discovered .. otherwise there will be fear too).

And how much guilt affect a person varies across individuals. Of course if this guilt changes the WS behavior, then my assumptions are no longer true, and the BS may be able to detect. However, I am right now assuming that it is not the case. And whether the person can act like nothing is out of ordinary .. once again .. depends on the person.

Lastly, someone say you cannot repair your marriage, or it is not a "true" marriage if there is no total honesty. THAT depends on WHO can judge what a true marriage is.

From a distance, knowing the facts (that there is a WS), *we* can tell that the marriage is not "true". However, from a BS point of view, if the A is hidden, and everything goes as normal, the marriage is the same whether it is "true" or "false". There is no difference for her.

This asymmetry of information is an important principle in economics, and I think the reasoning needs to be applied here.

nyrias I almost always relate to your posts. I just do not see the point in me telling my H at this point to risk breaking up the family, killing or hurting me (physically) or the kids, any of it. I would rather leave than deal with another fallout for 5 more years. To me it just isn't worth it. There isn't anything anyone can say to make me think otherwise.

i wish I didn't know about my H's infidelity I really honestly would rather have not found out, but he was not safe about his trail.

May 18, 2011

I have been in the situation you describe. First my husband advertised himself online as wanting sex outside the marriage and ended up being scammed out of thousands of dollars in the process of trying to meet up with what he likes to call 'models' (read: hookers). When I found out and kicked him out, he was contrite, we entered counseling together, and even while we were reconciling he hired a street hooker and took her back to his apt one night in a 'hell why not' frame of mind. He kept it a secret for five months until he came clean one night after I found some sketchy things on his computer (unrelated).

I will admit, there are days when I wish he had never told me about the street hooker. It has caused me much more pain than the original sin, because it just seems so dirty to me. In the first scenario, he was at least talking to these (fake) women on line first and 'getting to know' them before deciding he wanted to screw them. To be walking home from a bar at midnight and pick up some street corner whore just seems like something a total lowlife would do, someone at rock bottom. Which, I don't know, I guess he was. Anyway, my mind is having a lot of trouble wrapping itself around the fact he took his penis out for this street hooker. A LOT of trouble. If he had never told me, I would be a much happier person today.

But, if he had never told me about it, he would still know, and I would NOT know how far down he really was at that point in his life. He would have a secret that he could never forget, and all the while he was pretending to reconcile with me and work through the devastation of his first tryst, the second would be eroding everything we were doing from within him. My whole life would be a lie. i know that even though I wouldn't know exactly what it was, I would know there was something poisonous going on. And our fake reconciliation would fail. So not only would he be wasting my life pretending to love me, but he would be wasting his own, because it would eventually break down, and only he would know the real reason why.

I think you case is also very different from the OP case, where there is no pattern of misbehavior.

In your case, because of past transgression, he will be faking reconciliation, if he hid this one event.

In the other case, there is no reconciliation because there would APPEAR to be no problem in the marriage. Plus, it would be a lot easier to hide in this case because the spouse, unlike you, would not be suspicious at all.

Whether a lie can perpetuate, obviously depends on the person, and the circumstances. I am not sure "it would eventually break down" in all cases. It is certainly possible for people to carry their secrets to their (or their spouses') grave.

May 18, 2011

I think you case is also very different from the OP case, where there is no pattern of misbehavior.

In your case, because of past transgression, he will be faking reconciliation, if he hid this one event.

In the other case, there is no reconciliation because there would APPEAR to be no problem in the marriage. Plus, it would be a lot easier to hide in this case because the spouse, unlike you, would not be suspicious at all.

Whether a lie can perpetuate, obviously depends on the person, and the circumstances. I am not sure "it would eventually break down" in all cases. It is certainly possible for people to carry their secrets to their (or their spouses') grave.

Very good points. Although the type of person who can carry a secret like that to their grave without allowing it to affect the rest of their life wouldn't be someone I would care to be in a relationship with.

May 18, 2011

I

All those who said they feel they are glad they were told .. the reasoning are all contingent on the KNOWING the information that WS strayed. For example:

"I actually maintained a level of respect for him and he was able to maintain some of my trust in him because he confessed what he had done."

Well, if it was not disclosed, and the affair was not detectable, you would have maintained a HIGHER level of respect .. i.e. thinking he never stray, and your trust will be total .. minus all the pain.

The point is that before the disclosure, in this case, the WS is indistinguishable from a perfect spouse.

While I don't appreciate you taking my quote so far out of context, I will attempt to answer what I think is your question.

I had stated in my earlier post that my H acted "crazy" during the time of his affair. So, there was no longer a question of hm being a perfect spouse. I already knew something was wrong. No, I didn't think he was cheating. (call me naive-I probably was at that point-just trusting). I thought he was in a mid-life crisis or that aliens had abducted my real H or whatever.

So, the fact that my H confessed what he had done ended some of my torment. So I was "glad" that I knew the reason he had been acting like a stranger.

In my situation at least, it wasn't like my H had been acting perfectly normal and like the devoted husband he had been up until a few months before he told me and then bam, dumped a load of a cr*p on me about what he had done.

So please don't assume that you know what would have been the "better" (for lack of a better word) for me in my situation. It's very condescending when I posted about something painful.

I knew my words would be misused!

May 18, 2011

I am going to go out on a limp here and examine the consequences on both end (which i am sure some LSer will slam it .. but let's try some reasoning anyway).

Assumptions.

WS has a one-time ONS, never again. Otherwise he/she is acting like a loving spouse. Also that there is no trail, no clues, no evidence so it is NOT possible for the BS to find out on her own.

From the BS point of view:

If WS confess, anger, hurt, lack of trust .. all those stuff that you expect.

If WS does NOT confess, BS will believe, falsely, that WS has never stray, and will be in the *same* mindset as she is in a happy marriage.

All those who said they feel they are glad they were told .. the reasoning are all contingent on the KNOWING the information that WS strayed. For example:

"I actually maintained a level of respect for him and he was able to maintain some of my trust in him because he confessed what he had done."

Well, if it was not disclosed, and the affair was not detectable, you would have maintained a HIGHER level of respect .. i.e. thinking he never stray, and your trust will be total .. minus all the pain.

The point is that before the disclosure, in this case, the WS is indistinguishable from a perfect spouse.

From the WS point of view:

Obviously the consequence of not telling is guilt (assuming there is no fear to be discovered .. otherwise there will be fear too).

And how much guilt affect a person varies across individuals. Of course if this guilt changes the WS behavior, then my assumptions are no longer true, and the BS may be able to detect. However, I am right now assuming that it is not the case. And whether the person can act like nothing is out of ordinary .. once again .. depends on the person.

Lastly, someone say you cannot repair your marriage, or it is not a "true" marriage if there is no total honesty. THAT depends on WHO can judge what a true marriage is.

From a distance, knowing the facts (that there is a WS), *we* can tell that the marriage is not "true". However, from a BS point of view, if the A is hidden, and everything goes as normal, the marriage is the same whether it is "true" or "false". There is no difference for her.

This asymmetry of information is an important principle in economics, and I think the reasoning needs to be applied here.

Nope no difference at all...living a lie, being exposed to diseases, bunny boilers and making choices for the future based on partial info...limits the options for breaking away when the lie is exposed. But hey....

May 18, 2011

Thanks, Snowflower, your post helps a lot. No, it is not my intention at all to poke fun at BS. In truth I have been faithful but find myself on both sides of the sickle - suspicious that my wife may have had an affair a few years back and weighing whether to leave it buried or press for answers, and wondering what I should do should I have an A on my own side, and just how much damage that would do. Anyway, there is more, but I must get to work - just wanted to thank you and the other posters for sharing.

You're welcome.

Don't have your own affair. That would greatly complicate things.

Have you ever discussed her possible affair with her? I know it is a hard subject to broach...

May 18, 2011

I have often thought 'ignorance is bliss' and at times, still do. My life, family unit, home, etc. are all a thing of the past now because of the fallout from my WH's affair. I do not get to see my children everyday, nor be apart of their daily lives. That kills me. BUT - I also know that my children need to have good examples in their lives: healthy relationships, trust, and security. I did not have any of those in my marriage, so I left it after the affair was discovered.

I hope by my leaving a bad marriage that had so many problems, that my daughters will see that they should not stay in unhealthy, unloving relationships as they get older. Unfortunately, my mother did not have the wherewithall to do that so the only example I ever had as a kid was that you stay in miserable relationships no matter what.

Back on topic, by not telling your spouse and getting away with it, you are more susceptible to do it again. By not having the affair(s) out in the open, it is easy to have the "what they don't know can't hurt them" attitude. Without exposure, there are no reprecussions to the infidelity. Also, the BS deserves a choice in the matter. They deserve to choose whether or not to stay in the marriage. If you do not expose, you've made that choice for them and it may not be the best choice for the the WS, BS or the marriage. Not to mention you've broken the foundation of trust in the marriage whether the BS knows or not. Eventually, it will have an impact.

May 18, 2011

I'm curious as to how many people genuinely have an "ignorance is bliss" mindset. Who wants to willingly be left in the dark? I know I had that attitude for around a week after I discovered my wife's affair. That passed quite quickly.

But in my experience, the types of people that think like this, tend to be the ones that (conveniently) benefit from other people's ignorance.

May 18, 2011

Ignorance is most definitely NOT bliss. Heavens no. Whether it be a ONS of a 10 year affair, honesty and coming clean is the ONLY way to properly deal with it. I could care less what the circumstances are. To me this is an absolute.

FWIW I also believe discovery of an affair versus confession is a significant difference as well. I know in my own personal case I think I would have reacted VERY differently if my wife had of confessed of her own free will.

Maybe I am jaded now, who knows, but I have lost every single bit of faith I ever had in the sanctity of marriage. Despite reconciling and staying 'married' I have zero faith in the human race in terms of honesty and faithfulness, sounds strange but it is how I feel.

May 18, 2011

Ignorance is most definitely NOT bliss. Heavens no. Whether it be a ONS of a 10 year affair, honesty and coming clean is the ONLY way to properly deal with it. I could care less what the circumstances are. To me this is an absolute.

FWIW I also believe discovery of an affair versus confession is a significant difference as well. I know in my own personal case I think I would have reacted VERY differently if my wife had of confessed of her own free will.

Maybe I am jaded now, who knows, but I have lost every single bit of faith I ever had in the sanctity of marriage. Despite reconciling and staying 'married' I have zero faith in the human race in terms of honesty and faithfulness, sounds strange but it is how I feel.

You are not alone. I feel this same EXACT way.

May 18, 2011

You are not alone. I feel this same EXACT way.

Me too............

May 19, 2011

Thank you all for your input! It's definitely making a good case that the BS would NOT have preferred to stay in the blissful ignorance. It's biased, of course, like the story of the forgiven apple, since they are no longer ignorant, but it's good enough for me. I will choose between the 2 higher roads, either truth (and divorce) or sticking it out.

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Is ignorance bliss?

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