datura_noir Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I just hate it when an OP either feels so sorry for the BS that they are somehow "stuck" with a cheater (although THEY were with said cheater during the affair), or that the BS knows of the affair and is accepting of it. Can Y'all tell me that this is for real? Am I the only one who has this disconnect of communication? I know I never accepted my FWH affair, but had I known about some of the stuff, I would have been all over his sh-ite in a minute! Are some of these OP getting the REAL story??
bentnotbroken Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I get the same feeling. It seems as if I should have known about his affairs, though he traveled extensively. When I felt something was wrong I asked. I trusted him so I believed him. He (in my mind had never given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness). As I have stated before it was something we discussed before marriage and frequently after about the need to come to the other if one was attracted to someone else(stupid me for thinking he was telling me the truth). So if someone views that as I should have known...I guess I should have known my father was going to die of cancer too being I used my crystal ball and all.
Spark1111 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I just hate it when an OP either feels so sorry for the BS that they are somehow "stuck" with a cheater (although THEY were with said cheater during the affair), or that the BS knows of the affair and is accepting of it. Can Y'all tell me that this is for real? Am I the only one who has this disconnect of communication? I know I never accepted my FWH affair, but had I known about some of the stuff, I would have been all over his sh-ite in a minute! Are some of these OP getting the REAL story?? Of course not! And I wonder too about these assumptions. Is it a form of justification? Is it a competition? Is it the common misconception that if the marriage was truly happy, he wouldn't be there cheating with the OW? Yet time and time again we see the OW's devastation when she is thrown under the bus at DDAY, or when she discovers ANOTHER OW and is devastated. Why is it so hard to admit that maybe, just maybe, the wife loves the man as much if not MORE than the OW, and the MM is lying to both. It seems a necessary part of the script. And of course, when he returns to the marriage, the OW is often bitter and wishes them both the misery she was lead to believe is the reality of the relationship. Why not admit he is lying scum who played her for so long? Who played both the spouse and the OW? Always sounds like sour grapes to me.
Spark1111 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I get the same feeling. It seems as if I should have known about his affairs, though he traveled extensively. When I felt something was wrong I asked. I trusted him so I believed him. He (in my mind had never given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness). As I have stated before it was something we discussed before marriage and frequently after about the need to come to the other if one was attracted to someone else(stupid me for thinking he was telling me the truth). So if someone views that as I should have known...I guess I should have known my father was going to die of cancer too being I used my crystal ball and all. Sure, Bent, just like the OW should have known he left her bed to crawl into mine; that when he told her he had to visit his dad in the hospital, he took me to dinner; that the business trip he told her he had to take, was taking me out of town. I mean, if he was so happy with her, why did he beg and fight for me to reconcile? How could she not know he wanted to end the relationship with her but was to cowardly to do so? Do you see where this thinking leads? It pits woman against woman and allows the MAP to skate away from the consequences of their actions! It's sophmoric, unenlightened and downright petty.
Lorelei_Lane Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hm. I think I missed a thread somewhere.... anyway. When you trust someone, especially a spouse, and they tell you they're not having an affair... you take them at their word. That's what trust IS. Right? I mean, unless I'm completely wrong and have been all these years... The OW in my situation was mad as a hornet when he told her he was going to try to fix things with me. He told me later that he wasn't sure what she expected, he had invested three years with me and he knew if they had even tried a relationship, he would have never trusted her, as she was cheating on her boyfriend with him.
seren Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I have to agree with all of the above and have asked myself the same questions too. I remember OW's fervent 'he wouldn't just dump me, I know him' and the implication that I had chained him up with a gag so he couldn't speak to her and give her reasons why he just vanished with a two word text. TBH, I almost choked on my coffee when she said that as it was me who was saying he should give her closure. As to poor BS having to stay, nothing could be further from the truth, the decision to stay was not an issue for me, I never thought to leave, had H decided to leave he would have done so knowing I would help to untangle our very long relationship and all that, that entails. The OW was not the focus for our conversations, nor was the A, the focus was solely on us, our relationship, what next, how to move forward - sure along with all the hurt and anger that comes after D Day, but the reconciling was healthy, the rediscovering dammed exciting and the reaffirmation and work shown by H encouraging. It doesn't compute that any WS would stay if they truly wanted to be with AP, no one chains them up, they had the organisational skills to hide an A then they sure as hell can use those skills to move along. TBH I felt sorry for the OW as she loved my H and her life was a right s***storm, her attempts to compete were sad, we were very different people. When I had passed my Masters she showed H a work qualification, when she learned I was involved with charities she took pains to tell H that she was caring for a neighbour and when I was away for work, to tell him she would cook his meals and iron his shirts etc. Dammed sad. I agree with Spark that the competition element only serves to shift blame. I also find it ironic that in the A triangle the one person the AP's are concerned at keeping in the dark is the BS and ask myself why? and then answer myslef with, because the truth would bring it all out, destroy the status quo that exists to enable an A the secrecy element vanishes the BS has the choice to stay or go. In my experience losing the BS is the thing that most WS fears most of all.
DufenSchmertz Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 The thought process of most people involved in affairs is so tangled in the first place that it's almost pointless to try to put logical reasoning to the actions. People involved in affairs who stay in them are in them because of complicated psychological reasons that even they don't understand (assuming they are not just playuhs looking for booty). Obviously if a cheater really felt sorry for the innocent betrayed party the solution would be to stop the affair. It wouldn't be to express sympathy for the betrayed spouse, yet to continue the affair. That action conflicts with the words.
jthorne Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Why not admit he is lying scum who played her for so long?Because that would mean having to admit that the luurve wasn't anything but a lie.
freestyle Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I get both baffled and irritated by this line of "reasoning". To me, it smacks of blameshifting, and rationalization to deflect guilt.
Spark1111 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Because that would mean having to admit that the luurve wasn't anything but a lie. And it kills me, just kills me, that after DDAY or before, I hear, "Well I didn't wreck the marriage because he took the vows and it was his relationship to fix, not mine." (blameshifting) Or, I'm not returning her phone call. She should be asking her H the details, not me! As if, right after the discovery of an affair,) MM ALWAYS tell the truth. (Denial and avoiding consequences of one's actions.) Or, as the topic of the post, "He can go back to his miserable marriage. I feel sorry for her putting up with that lying cheating scum." (Total delusion.) Weren't you just madly in love with this guy?
mzdolphin Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I get the same feeling. It seems as if I should have known about his affairs, though he traveled extensively. When I felt something was wrong I asked. I trusted him so I believed him. He (in my mind had never given me a reason to doubt his faithfulness). As I have stated before it was something we discussed before marriage and frequently after about the need to come to the other if one was attracted to someone else(stupid me for thinking he was telling me the truth). So if someone views that as I should have known...I guess I should have known my father was going to die of cancer too being I used my crystal ball and all. As a former BS I can tell you I didn't know and I wasn't the type that kept her head in the sand. And when I was dating someone who claimed to be divorced and I suspected he was lying, I wasn't sure she knew. So I told her, in a respectful way in which I made it clear I wasn't trying to take her husband if they were married. I just didn't believe what he was saying and because he kept claiming they were separated and she was holding up the divorce, I thought I'd email her, cced him and said I don't know what the truth it. At that point I was angry with him, but I really didn't assume she was either clueless or indifferent. I figured she was probably a victim of his lies, just like me. I just informed her that the only thing I knew for sure was that he was dishonest. Because he said he was divorced and I found out he was not. I got some heat. Some say, you should not have interfered. But I'm thinking I hear so many wives say they wished they knew. But then everyone else is told to keep quiet. So the guy gets away with it for years. I'm confused about this.
nyrias Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 As a former BS I can tell you I didn't know and I wasn't the type that kept her head in the sand. And when I was dating someone who claimed to be divorced and I suspected he was lying, I wasn't sure she knew. So I told her, in a respectful way in which I made it clear I wasn't trying to take her husband if they were married. I just didn't believe what he was saying and because he kept claiming they were separated and she was holding up the divorce, I thought I'd email her, cced him and said I don't know what the truth it. At that point I was angry with him, but I really didn't assume she was either clueless or indifferent. I figured she was probably a victim of his lies, just like me. I just informed her that the only thing I knew for sure was that he was dishonest. Because he said he was divorced and I found out he was not. I got some heat. Some say, you should not have interfered. But I'm thinking I hear so many wives say they wished they knew. But then everyone else is told to keep quiet. So the guy gets away with it for years. I'm confused about this. No. I think you did what is right .. for yourself. You have no obligation to him, or his wife. It is not unreasonable to verify a story a potential suitor tells you. If he get caught and his lies, well, too bad .. there are consequences if he decided to lie.
drifter777 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 It seems as though mostly women are responding here. As a man, my experience was and remains quite different from what I'm reading. I never blamed the OM because I don't expect a single man to turn down sex when it's offered to him. I blamed my wife alone for putting herself out there, betraying my trust and crushing my life as I knew it. I'm curious if other men (or women) felt the same as I did.
John Michael Kane Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 It seems as though mostly women are responding here. As a man, my experience was and remains quite different from what I'm reading. I never blamed the OM because I don't expect a single man to turn down sex when it's offered to him. Dude that's kind of disturbing to think that way. That's saying he was never responsible for handling his dick. As if he could not stand his ground and firmly say no to your wife. I blamed my wife alone for putting herself out there, betraying my trust and crushing my life as I knew it. I'm curious if other men (or women) felt the same as I did. The OM/OW also bears partial responsibility.
Spark1111 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 As a former BS I can tell you I didn't know and I wasn't the type that kept her head in the sand. And when I was dating someone who claimed to be divorced and I suspected he was lying, I wasn't sure she knew. So I told her, in a respectful way in which I made it clear I wasn't trying to take her husband if they were married. I just didn't believe what he was saying and because he kept claiming they were separated and she was holding up the divorce, I thought I'd email her, cced him and said I don't know what the truth it. At that point I was angry with him, but I really didn't assume she was either clueless or indifferent. I figured she was probably a victim of his lies, just like me. I just informed her that the only thing I knew for sure was that he was dishonest. Because he said he was divorced and I found out he was not. I personally, applaud your actions. You wanted the truth and you got it. Harder to understand are those who take great pains to AVOID the truth, or deny it because they do not want to truly know it. They KNOW he is married and lying to his wife, yet they excuse it because they have bought, hook, line and sinker, how miserably married he SAYS he is. And they NEED to believe the fantasy that they are the ONLY woman who can love him and save him from his misery. If you allow the truth to burst that delusion, there goes all that self-told empowerment. I got some heat. Some say, you should not have interfered. But I'm thinking I hear so many wives say they wished they knew. But then everyone else is told to keep quiet. So the guy gets away with it for years. I'm confused about this. I tried on three occasions to contact the OW. She never returned a phone call, and I thought, so be it. She's moved on. When she broke NC more than 2 years later, I realized why. She was bored in her new "normal" relationship and was fishing to see if he was interested in rekindling the affair. So speaking to me would have ended THAT fantasy. Speaking to me, which I forced her to, ended all dreaming of how he had returned to his miserable marriage;) and was still pining away for her. Speaking to me FORCED her to hear of some of the consequences of her actions and she reacted, hysterically and angrily. The strangest thing? She had not ONE question for me. Not one. Some people DO NOT want the truth.
love4me2c Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I think some people don't have the confidence to leave their marriage. Some do believe they are stuck. But if anyone is stuck, they choose to be. Period. The OM/OW does get fed a bunch of lies. I'm sure the WS marriage isn't great, but some of what is told to the OW/OM is complete BS. I've been on both sides, so I know. I can tell you that I always thought my WS was having an affair. I just didn't have proof. My WH always tried to make me out to be some crazy person. He claimed I had self esteem issues and he wasn't doing anything. Finally, when the proof came in the form of another woman's panties in my laundry, I left. Mind you, not immediately, because we are told to "save the marriage." I felt it wasn't a marriage worth saving and left after 5 months of "saving the marriage." I don't regret it one bit.
waytogo Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 It seems as though mostly women are responding here. As a man, my experience was and remains quite different from what I'm reading. I never blamed the OM because I don't expect a single man to turn down sex when it's offered to him. I blamed my wife alone for putting herself out there, betraying my trust and crushing my life as I knew it. I'm curious if other men (or women) felt the same as I did. I'm sorry for what you W did Drifter, but I do disagree with you. I know plenty of men, who while single would turn down a MW. I also know one that became OM for a short time. He couldn't stand it for long and stopped. If the OM knew your W was married, he was wrong to go there even if she begged him naked. Just as women deserve equal pay for equal work, OM deserve equal blame for equal OP deeds. Humans aren't stay dogs who smell a hind and jump to it. We are SUPPOSED to have higher conscience and judgement. Being a single man is no more excuse than being a lonely single woman.
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