Newbie OW Rant

[MsDelilah]

So I'd like to share my story. I have been lurking here for a little while, and I have soem things I need to sort through.

 

Let's start about 10 years ago, when I was in my 20s and in my first big relationship - it ended badly - he cheated on me and I kicked him out. There was more to it than that, but that's the long and short of it. The thing we had that even got me to commit in the first place was a deep friendship and an excellent love life. The betrayal and craziness I went through trying to keep him damn near killed me.

 

Some of the things I accepted as I walked away:

1. That I would probably never have that kind of emotional/psycho-sexual connection with someone else - it's a rare thing.

2. That I wasn't cut out for every day love. It wasn't until I got out that I learned how much I relished my space and my freedom.

 

I took 6 years of exploring myself I was celibate and not much looking for a relationship, working on my own self-confidence, and learning how to operate without blind trust, when I met the boy. We lived in different towns, and he had a busy job, and I had a busy job, and was working odd hours at the time. We got to know each other through IM and on the phone, and eventually met in real life. I really liked him - we could talk about everything, although we were very different, I respected him and what he stood for - just seemed like an all around decent guy.

 

When we finally got physical - it wasn't as great as with the ex, but that psycho-sexual vibe was there and so was the emotional connection. We didn't see each other often, but we talked all the time, chatting, phone calls, texting - about our lives, our adventures, life in general. It was almost the perfect relationship for me - except it could have had more sex. But truth be told, I was busy, he was busy - our schedules rarely synched up.

 

I started to wonder about that though - since he was so emotionally present where was he getting his sex from? I know I was constantly frustrated. I would ask and he would just say work, or family obligations (meaning his daughter - he told me early on about her - and Mama and Daddy and extended family) got in the way. We carried on for 4 years, and in general I was satisfied with what we had. It gave me my freedom to have my social life, and keep up the intensity of the job, it allowed me time to wind down on my own as I needed to, and still have someone there that I felt a deep kinship with.

 

So I started looking for a house last year, and started learning about property records. One day on a lark I decided to look his house up, and that's when I found out about his wife since she was right there on the Sales Record. Ooops. I confronted him, and we talked and talked - he knew my history with the liar I had left, that I hated lying more than anything else in the world, and we talked and talked and he apologized and apologized. This was around September. Finally he said he needed to make his marriage work for his daugher. I wished him well and made a graceful exit.

 

3 weeks later he's back - at that point after having thought about it, I thought I could do the Mistress thing - as long as there were boundaries. Did I feel bad for his wife? Not really - he'd had a 6 month affair prior to meeting me - she already knew what she was dealing with, and I'm pretty sure she knew about me. If she chose to stay, I figured she had her reasons. I knew why he was wandering, and I'm not gonna judge him for that. And I understood why he wasn't prepared to divorce - too much money tied up, didn't sound like there would be an amicable divorce in any case, too much stress on the daughter when the fighting gets nasty etc. I think when we met, they were seperated - and she used their daughter to manipulate via visitation, which I find detestable and he went back.

 

Anyways - we hadn't seen each other but we talked about it - as I thought more about the mistress role, I realized I wanted more. Not relationship more, but...more spoiling. If I acknowledge that we have a relationship that has no option for growth, and I can't have you as my mood suits and at my beck and call, then you need to be making it worth the effort on my part. So I told him he needed to start spoiling me. (Not money-wise - but moreso presents and romance and physical time together and whatnot - basically just make it worth my while to not find some single guy to replace you).

 

So we were figuring those boundaries out, and then I find out through my sources (since he'd proved himself to be a liar - best to keep an eye on him) that his wife is pregnant and just delivered in January. I sent him a text congratulating him on the new baby and went NC again. I have no tolerance for more lies.

 

2 months later, he's back asking me how he can help me with my new house. That was his alleged "I owe you at least that much and want to thank you for the kindness you've always shown me" gesture. I accepted it and gave him a week to make good. He didn't follow through so at that point I read him the riot act, told him that I don't see how he could possibly provide what I need with this much on his plate - clearly if his wife is good enough to knock up, she's good enough to make do with, and to either figure out hows he's gonna manage my needs and hers and his childrens, or to leave me be. He said he "was gonna try to be better man, that he hated hurting people like he'd hurt me" etc, etc. I told him I loved him, that I had for while, and made Graceful Exit #3 and went NC again.

 

It's been a month since then, and every day feels like a battle between my head and my heart. I resent that he gets to find emotional comfort or at least numbness in the famly fold, while I have to deal with the loss and pain by myself. I resent that he pulled me into this stuff, when he really really knew better. And I miss the heck out of him and wish I could have my friend back.

 

To be honest - I might take him back, if he came back and figured out how to balance my needs against everyone else's - and we could have the affair of a lifetime - but man would he have to work for that.

 

That is of course presuming he wanted to come back.

 

I realize as I read this, how jaded, cynical and bitter I am these days. I should probably feel guilty about his wife and whatnot - but I've been on both sides of this equation now - I've seen miserable "stay together for the kids" marriages, and I'm done humoring them. I'm done trying to chase down liars - because they will always lie, I'm tired of feeling like it's my job to care about someone else's marriage, when they need to be doing that themselves. If people aren't willing to make the changes they need to become truly happy and fulfilled people because they are too scared of change (both him and her) they deserve what they get.

 

If he wants to be with her, well he can carry on with the same miserable marriage that made him my boyfriend for 4 years. If she's willing to stay in that situation and let him knock her up over and over again, that's her choice too (when I was in her position, it sure as heck wasn't mine). As for me - If he comes my way - I'll take the things I need from him if he's willing to provide them on my terms. If not that's ok too. At this point, considering my dating options since we "broke up" I'm preferring the Devil I know.

 

I'm pretty sure I've ticked off a bunch of people, so yeah - sorry about that. I just need to vent. Big time.

[Spark1111]

Wait, he lied about being married? While having an affair with you, he had another child with this woman?

 

He neglected to tell you this because......why?

 

He disappears out of your life for long periods of time under one pretense or another, then reappears?

 

And you think she knows about his philandering and is okay with it?

 

Why would you believe this?

 

Because he told you so?

 

I think he is lying, cheating scum. He lied repeatedly to you, and has probably been lying to her from day one.

 

She might actually love this man and know nothing about you or his (many) affairs, enough to have a second child with him! Is that the actions of a woman who KNOWS she is married to a philanderer? They have their second child and buy a house together?????????????

 

Harder to understand why you take him at his word and believe the lies he is feeding you about his wife, a woman he has not one, but two children with and with whom he has purchased a home with during the course of your affair.

 

You sound smart and independent. Why do believe this con artist? Why do you want him again?

 

That for me is harder to understand.

[Quiet Storm]

I resent that he pulled me into this stuff, when he really really knew better.

 

He didn't pull you into anything. You catch him in lies and you keep taking him back. Shouldn't you really, really know better?

[bentnotbroken]

He didn't pull you into anything. You catch him in lies and you keep taking him back. Shouldn't you really, really know better?

 

 

Here, Here!!!:bunny:

[Carrot2000]

He didn't pull you into anything. You catch him in lies and you keep taking him back. Shouldn't you really, really know better?

 

Yeah, you're really no smarter than the wife you think is a fool since you're both staying with him. At least the wife gets the house and his paycheck.

 

All you're getting out of this is a wet behind.

 

It's time to do better. Don't you think you deserve more than the "devil you know"?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Between the first big relationship and this one, there is a consistency - cheating.

 

I am always ragging on cheaters here, but in your case, I really think you might want to take a look at why you seem to be drawn to the unavailable. In fact, you took a long time and went to quite a bit of trouble to get yourself enmeshed with this particular unavailable man.

 

Are you being completely honest about having an intimate, and serious relationship for FOUR YEARS before discovering that he was married?

 

You don't seem to make a very big deal about the extreme level of deception present in your relationship.

 

No amount of "spoiling" could possibly make that "worth it," could it?

 

How do you justify his lying to you for so long? And, since it sounds like you have never really had your needs met this whole time ... why try to go on with the lying revealed?

 

Again, why are you NEEDING to have your needs unmet with an unavailable man?

[datura_noir]

Hey, Don't ever denigrate or pity his wife...she is probably a lot stronger than you know

[fooled once]

So I'd like to share my story. I have been lurking here for a little while, and I have soem things I need to sort through.

 

Let's start about 10 years ago, when I was in my 20s and in my first big relationship - it ended badly - he cheated on me and I kicked him out. There was more to it than that, but that's the long and short of it. The thing we had that even got me to commit in the first place was a deep friendship and an excellent love life. The betrayal and craziness I went through trying to keep him damn near killed me.

 

Some of the things I accepted as I walked away:

1. That I would probably never have that kind of emotional/psycho-sexual connection with someone else - it's a rare thing.

2. That I wasn't cut out for every day love. It wasn't until I got out that I learned how much I relished my space and my freedom.

 

I took 6 years of exploring myself I was celibate and not much looking for a relationship, working on my own self-confidence, and learning how to operate without blind trust, when I met the boy. We lived in different towns, and he had a busy job, and I had a busy job, and was working odd hours at the time. We got to know each other through IM and on the phone, and eventually met in real life. I really liked him - we could talk about everything, although we were very different, I respected him and what he stood for - just seemed like an all around decent guy.

 

When we finally got physical - it wasn't as great as with the ex, but that psycho-sexual vibe was there and so was the emotional connection. We didn't see each other often, but we talked all the time, chatting, phone calls, texting - about our lives, our adventures, life in general. It was almost the perfect relationship for me - except it could have had more sex. But truth be told, I was busy, he was busy - our schedules rarely synched up.

 

I started to wonder about that though - since he was so emotionally present where was he getting his sex from? I know I was constantly frustrated. I would ask and he would just say work, or family obligations (meaning his daughter - he told me early on about her - and Mama and Daddy and extended family) got in the way. We carried on for 4 years, and in general I was satisfied with what we had. It gave me my freedom to have my social life, and keep up the intensity of the job, it allowed me time to wind down on my own as I needed to, and still have someone there that I felt a deep kinship with.

 

So I started looking for a house last year, and started learning about property records. One day on a lark I decided to look his house up, and that's when I found out about his wife since she was right there on the Sales Record. Ooops. I confronted him, and we talked and talked - he knew my history with the liar I had left, that I hated lying more than anything else in the world, and we talked and talked and he apologized and apologized. This was around September. Finally he said he needed to make his marriage work for his daugher. I wished him well and made a graceful exit.

 

3 weeks later he's back - at that point after having thought about it, I thought I could do the Mistress thing - as long as there were boundaries. Did I feel bad for his wife? Not really - he'd had a 6 month affair prior to meeting me - she already knew what she was dealing with, and I'm pretty sure she knew about me. If she chose to stay, I figured she had her reasons. I knew why he was wandering, and I'm not gonna judge him for that. And I understood why he wasn't prepared to divorce - too much money tied up, didn't sound like there would be an amicable divorce in any case, too much stress on the daughter when the fighting gets nasty etc. I think when we met, they were seperated - and she used their daughter to manipulate via visitation, which I find detestable and he went back.

 

Anyways - we hadn't seen each other but we talked about it - as I thought more about the mistress role, I realized I wanted more. Not relationship more, but...more spoiling. If I acknowledge that we have a relationship that has no option for growth, and I can't have you as my mood suits and at my beck and call, then you need to be making it worth the effort on my part. So I told him he needed to start spoiling me. (Not money-wise - but moreso presents and romance and physical time together and whatnot - basically just make it worth my while to not find some single guy to replace you).

 

So we were figuring those boundaries out, and then I find out through my sources (since he'd proved himself to be a liar - best to keep an eye on him) that his wife is pregnant and just delivered in January. I sent him a text congratulating him on the new baby and went NC again. I have no tolerance for more lies.

 

2 months later, he's back asking me how he can help me with my new house. That was his alleged "I owe you at least that much and want to thank you for the kindness you've always shown me" gesture. I accepted it and gave him a week to make good. He didn't follow through so at that point I read him the riot act, told him that I don't see how he could possibly provide what I need with this much on his plate - clearly if his wife is good enough to knock up, she's good enough to make do with, and to either figure out hows he's gonna manage my needs and hers and his childrens, or to leave me be. He said he "was gonna try to be better man, that he hated hurting people like he'd hurt me" etc, etc. I told him I loved him, that I had for while, and made Graceful Exit #3 and went NC again.

 

It's been a month since then, and every day feels like a battle between my head and my heart. I resent that he gets to find emotional comfort or at least numbness in the famly fold, while I have to deal with the loss and pain by myself. I resent that he pulled me into this stuff, when he really really knew better. And I miss the heck out of him and wish I could have my friend back.

 

To be honest - I might take him back, if he came back and figured out how to balance my needs against everyone else's - and we could have the affair of a lifetime - but man would he have to work for that.

 

That is of course presuming he wanted to come back.

 

I realize as I read this, how jaded, cynical and bitter I am these days. I should probably feel guilty about his wife and whatnot - but I've been on both sides of this equation now - I've seen miserable "stay together for the kids" marriages, and I'm done humoring them. I'm done trying to chase down liars - because they will always lie, I'm tired of feeling like it's my job to care about someone else's marriage, when they need to be doing that themselves. If people aren't willing to make the changes they need to become truly happy and fulfilled people because they are too scared of change (both him and her) they deserve what they get.

 

If he wants to be with her, well he can carry on with the same miserable marriage that made him my boyfriend for 4 years. If she's willing to stay in that situation and let him knock her up over and over again, that's her choice too (when I was in her position, it sure as heck wasn't mine). As for me - If he comes my way - I'll take the things I need from him if he's willing to provide them on my terms. If not that's ok too. At this point, considering my dating options since we "broke up" I'm preferring the Devil I know.

 

I'm pretty sure I've ticked off a bunch of people, so yeah - sorry about that. I just need to vent. Big time.

 

So it's okay for you to constantly take him back after all the lies and knowing you can't trust him.

 

But his wife; who you honestly have NO IDEA if she knows or not, who has children with him, she should leave him so you can swoop in and be pampered by him? How would you ever trust him again, knowing full well he has affairs AND sex with his wife?

 

Sorry, I am only seeing a woman who claims to have issues with cheating and liars, but continually takes back a married man.

[MsDelilah]

Wait, he lied about being married? While having an affair with you, he had another child with this woman?

 

He neglected to tell you this because......why?

 

~~~My Point exactly - why after he got busted the first time, while she was about 6 months pregnant - didn't he just come out with the whole thing? To be fair, I had called it quits the year before but it lingered until i found out.

 

He disappears out of your life for long periods of time under one pretense or another, then reappears?

 

He disappears when I let him go, and walk away and then he gives me a couple months too cool off and then makes contact again. Prior to that, we were in touch every couple of days, if not every day. Like i said - we live in different towns and have busy jobs.

 

And you think she knows about his philandering and is okay with it?

 

Why would you believe this?

 

Because he told you so?

 

I know she knows - she busted him the first affair he had - and he's an affair-haver, not just one of those hit and quit it types. And I think she checked his phone once when i had texted him. I didn't put two and two together - it was after i had broken it off, i thought maybe he'd deleted my number and didn't know it was me. But in hindsight i think it was her texting on his phone. Either way - like i've said - i've been there - you know..you can feel it. And if she's putting up with it, that's her choice.

 

I think he is lying, cheating scum. He lied repeatedly to you, and has probably been lying to her from day one.

 

Agreed on being lying cheating scum. I know why he's cheating, but the lying is unacceptable.

 

She might actually love this man and know nothing about you or his (many) affairs, enough to have a second child with him! Is that the actions of a woman who KNOWS she is married to a philanderer? They have their second child and buy a house together?????????????

 

They've already had their house together since before he and i got together - I was the one looking for a house. It wouldn't be my actions, but like i said - she already knows he's a chaeter, so apparently yes - either she buys his bull****, or she feels the child will make everything better or something. I can't call it.

 

Harder to understand why you take him at his word and believe the lies he is feeding you about his wife, a woman he has not one, but two children with and with whom he has purchased a home with during the course of your affair.

 

I'm not actually buying any lies right now. I know he's a liar and a cheater. Strangely I don't feel like he's cheating on me. I just have a different view of these things. I figure if he's gonna cheat, at least be honest about it, with someone, and make sure you make it worth their time to put up with you and your drama.

 

You sound smart and independent. Why do believe this con artist? Why do you want him again?

 

Thank you for the compliment. As for believing him..I can't honestly say that I do. To go back 10 years..my trust was so completely violated then - it's easier to just not believe any man, and pay attention to their actions, and if it suits me, stay, if it doesn't go. I know it sounds morally relative, but I try my best to be honest. I can't control what anyone else does though - only my reaction to it.

[MsDelilah]

He didn't pull you into anything. You catch him in lies and you keep taking him back. Shouldn't you really, really know better?

 

~~Maybe you misread or I didn't explain myself clearly. I caught him in his lies - I left - he kept making contact. And yes he did pull me into it. I told him pretty early on what my previous experience was, how important honesty was to me, and that if an open relationship was a better fit for us, I was okay with that, since I can't really provide the day to day thing some people need. The fact that he knew that and still lied when he didn't have to boggles my mind. He took my choice to participate or not away from me.

[bentnotbroken]

~~~My Point exactly - why after he got busted the first time, while she was about 6 months pregnant - didn't he just come out with the whole thing? To be fair, I had called it quits the year before but it lingered until i found out.

 

 

 

He disappears when I let him go, and walk away and then he gives me a couple months too cool off and then makes contact again. Prior to that, we were in touch every couple of days, if not every day. Like i said - we live in different towns and have busy jobs.

 

 

 

I know she knows - she busted him the first affair he had - and he's an affair-haver, not just one of those hit and quit it types. And I think she checked his phone once when i had texted him. I didn't put two and two together - it was after i had broken it off, i thought maybe he'd deleted my number and didn't know it was me. But in hindsight i think it was her texting on his phone. Either way - like i've said - i've been there - you know..you can feel it. And if she's putting up with it, that's her choice.

 

 

 

Agreed on being lying cheating scum. I know why he's cheating, but the lying is unacceptable.

 

 

 

They've already had their house together since before he and i got together - I was the one looking for a house. It wouldn't be my actions, but like i said - she already knows he's a chaeter, so apparently yes - either she buys his bull****, or she feels the child will make everything better or something. I can't call it.

 

 

 

I'm not actually buying any lies right now. I know he's a liar and a cheater. Strangely I don't feel like he's cheating on me. I just have a different view of these things. I figure if he's gonna cheat, at least be honest about it, with someone, and make sure you make it worth their time to put up with you and your drama.

 

 

 

Thank you for the compliment. As for believing him..I can't honestly say that I do. To go back 10 years..my trust was so completely violated then - it's easier to just not believe any man, and pay attention to their actions, and if it suits me, stay, if it doesn't go. I know it sounds morally relative, but I try my best to be honest. I can't control what anyone else does though - only my reaction to it.

 

 

............................

[MsDelilah]

Yeah, you're really no smarter than the wife you think is a fool since you're both staying with him. At least the wife gets the house and his paycheck.

 

All you're getting out of this is a wet behind.

 

It's time to do better. Don't you think you deserve more than the "devil you know"?

 

 

So to play Devil's advocate to your apparent value judgement...what if all i'm really interested in is a "wet behind"? I make my own money, I have my own house. I've got male friends to take care of the other manly stuff that needs doing. What if all I really want is one good sexually intimate friend I can trust? (not to say it's him, but that was his intended purpose in my life) Does that make me a slut or something?

[bentnotbroken]

~~Maybe you misread or I didn't explain myself clearly. I caught him in his lies - I left - he kept making contact. And yes he did pull me into it. I told him pretty early on what my previous experience was, how important honesty was to me, and that if an open relationship was a better fit for us, I was okay with that, since I can't really provide the day to day thing some people need. The fact that he knew that and still lied when he didn't have to boggles my mind. He took my choice to participate or not away from me.

:lmao:......................

[MsDelilah]

Between the first big relationship and this one, there is a consistency - cheating.

 

I am always ragging on cheaters here, but in your case, I really think you might want to take a look at why you seem to be drawn to the unavailable. In fact, you took a long time and went to quite a bit of trouble to get yourself enmeshed with this particular unavailable man.

 

Are you being completely honest about having an intimate, and serious relationship for FOUR YEARS before discovering that he was married?

 

You don't seem to make a very big deal about the extreme level of deception present in your relationship.

 

No amount of "spoiling" could possibly make that "worth it," could it?

 

How do you justify his lying to you for so long? And, since it sounds like you have never really had your needs met this whole time ... why try to go on with the lying revealed?

 

Again, why are you NEEDING to have your needs unmet with an unavailable man?

 

I am actually in the position of questioning why i keep turning up with cheaters. I know why I like unavaialble - my ex for all his cheating was a little TOO available. We were fine up until his mom died and he lost his mind. In a way I give him a pass because he was mourning, but that doesn't mean I was gonna stay for it.

 

And if leaving when the extreme level of deception wasn't big enough of a deal then what more was i supposed to do? The way i look at it once that house of cards came down, it was time to sift through the rubble and see if anything could be salvaged. Problem was he kept lying. I can't do much with that now. If he insists on being in my life then all of that has to change and it needs to start being about me. Or he can eff off. meh.

[MsDelilah]

Hey, Don't ever denigrate or pity his wife...she is probably a lot stronger than you know

 

You are right - I'm not trying to denigrate or pity her. Like i said - if she's sticking with him that is her choice. I know she knows who he is. She digs, she questions, she's busted him before, she watches him like a hawk, and he probably just got sneakier and he puts his walls up. Like I said before - I have been in that crazy insecure place. And I can tell she's in the throes of it. As I think back on things that he's said, or ways he's reacted to me from time to time. She's miserable, they're miserable - but if neither is sticking a fork in it, I can do nothing about that. Hell I've said this to him, and told him what it was like for me when I went through it.

 

At times I do feel bad for her, or empathetic to her, but when it was me - it wasn't the other woman Ihad a beef with - it was him. And there's only so much a woman should take before walking no matter what the situation.

[bentnotbroken]

You are right - I'm not trying to denigrate or pity her. Like i said - if she's sticking with him that is her choice. I know she knows who he is. She digs, she questions, she's busted him before, she watches him like a hawk, and he probably just got sneakier and he puts his walls up. Like I said before - I have been in that crazy insecure place. And I can tell she's in the throes of it. As I think back on things that he's said, or ways he's reacted to me from time to time. She's miserable, they're miserable - but if neither is sticking a fork in it, I can do nothing about that. Hell I've said this to him, and told him what it was like for me when I went through it.

 

At times I do feel bad for her, or empathetic to her, but when it was me - it wasn't the other woman Ihad a beef with - it was him. And there's only so much a woman should take before walking no matter what the situation.

 

 

Spoken like a woman who has absolutely no clue what most women go through in their lives. Her level of what she "should" take can be entirely different than yours. You may have not had a beef with the OW in your case, but that does not absolve your responsibility for what you have aided in doing to her.

[MsDelilah]

Spoken like a woman who has absolutely no clue what most women go through in their lives. Her level of what she "should" take can be entirely different than yours. You may have not had a beef with the OW in your case, but that does not absolve your responsibility for what you have aided in doing to her.

 

 

Please if i knew i had "aided" in doing something to her, I wouldn't have been in the relationship with him. But she's aiding and abetting him just as much by putting up with it. I can understandif she's getting the paycheck and the 401k and whatnot - I mean if you take the whole cheating thing out of it, he's a pretty standup guy - he makes a relatively good husband when compared to others out there.

 

And I refuse to take the onus of responsibility off of the culpable party - him. I'm not taking that weight on myself. Sorry. I know you'd love for me to do it, but I'm not gonna.

[bentnotbroken]

Please if i knew i had "aided" in doing something to her, I wouldn't have been in the relationship with him. But she's aiding and abetting him just as much by putting up with it. I can understandif she's getting the paycheck and the 401k and whatnot - I mean if you take the whole cheating thing out of it, he's a pretty standup guy - he makes a relatively good husband when compared to others out there.

 

And I refuse to take the onus of responsibility off of the culpable party - him. I'm not taking that weight on myself. Sorry. I know you'd love for me to do it, but I'm not gonna.

 

 

Not only would I not love...I never expected you to own anything based only on your post. That capability isn't in your nature...yet.

[MsDelilah]

Not only would I not love...I never expected you to own anything based only on your post. That capability isn't in your nature...yet.

 

All I can own is my own behavior. As of right now, my mode is non-intervention. If i were to continue with him that would be based entirely on what was offered to me. I'm done worrying about everybody else and their situations. They need to handle it on their own.

[bentnotbroken]

All I can own is my own behavior. As of right now, my mode is non-intervention. If i were to continue with him that would be based entirely on what was offered to me. I'm done worrying about everybody else and their situations. They need to handle it on their own.

 

 

Completely clear by your post.

[BB07]

Maybe I shouldn't respond tonight because I'm very tired and I've been told that my posts have been angry lately and I'm not very compassionate, they could have a point. Anyway.........OP, take what you need and leave the rest.

 

Your mm is a BIG LIAR, and hon I know all about liar's. I dated one on our 2nd go around for about 2 years. I didn't know then, but I sure do know it now. I found out last summer and a lot of it was quite a shocker and guess what, the way I found out about the lies was talking to his bs. Yep.........his BS, who I thought he was very close to a divorce with. So what does that have to do with you..........well the commonality is the LIAR part and heck probably a lot of other things as LIAR's have a lot of the same ole tricks up their sleeves.

 

First he LIED to you about being married.......OH that is such a BIGGIE and it should have been a dealbreaker. My opinion and yeah it's slightly warped but it could be called wise, which ever way you want to look at it is THAT IS A HUGE LIE. You were already in love with him so you convinced yourself and he told you a lot of bs to get you to believe that he just loved you so much and he didn't know he'd fall in love with you and by the time he fell in love with you, he just couldn't hurt you like that. Am I right?

 

So.........you didn't get the lesson then and now a lot of other stuff has happened and you KNOW he has lied to you about many more things..........but, yes there is a BUT, you aren't opening your eyes and allowing yourself to realize that he has lied about soooo much more. I would bet........that he has lied to you about almost everything. Yep.......LIAR's do that. His wife, his marriage, his life, you name it, there are lies all over the place because he is practiced and good at it.

 

If you and the wife could sit and have a conversation, it would knock your socks off because you'd see just what an accomplished LIAR you have there. You won't do it.........you love him and you think he needs protecting because he has told you about the big bad wifie and you believe it, or you've convinced yourself it must be true.

 

There just isn't any nice way to say it, but a man who LIES about the BIGGIE, (being married) will have no qualms about lying about anything and everything else.

 

Hire yourself a PI or call the wife and compare stories........because you've got a really bad man on your hands. I'd bet.......at least $500. on it and there just isn't any nice way to put it.

 

Good luck, cause you are gonna need it.

[Quiet Storm]

Maybe you misread or I didn't explain myself clearly. I caught him in his lies

- I left - he kept making contact. And yes he did pull me into it. I told him

pretty early on what my previous experience was, how important honesty was to

me, and that if an open relationship was a better fit for us, I was okay with

that, since I can't really provide the day to day thing some people need. The

fact that he knew that and still lied when he didn't have to boggles my mind.

He took my choice to participate or not away from me.

 

No. You have choices. He did not take your choices away.

 

He can call you all day long, but if you CHOOSE to engage with him that's ON YOU.

 

You teach people how to treat you. To continue to have a relationship with him after he has told you BIG BIG lies tells him that you have low standards. You will accept (and even reward) poor treatment.

 

You teach people how to treat you.

 

You have taught him that he can lie. He can lie again and again. And he can throw some attention your way and you will be right back in it. He knows your standards are low.

 

Guys like this are not going to go away on their own. They will happily take whatever you are willing to offer. They lie, get caught, and all they have to do is "spoil you" and you will be there, offering yourself up to them. Why would he give you up for good? You have low expectations, and that is perfect for what he looking for.

 

Have strong boundaries. You can block emails. You can ignore his calls. You do have choices. To think that you have lost YOUR choices, just because HE has chosen to pursue you is sad. It is HIS CHOICE to pursue. But it is your CHOICE to engage. You are letting yourself get played.

 

Don't give your power away to a liar and a cheat. You determine what you will tolerate. You are focusing on him, and missing out on the single guys that could actually offer you something. Try and figure out why you think a married man's "love" and attention is something to value. Why don't you want more for yourself?

 

You don't have to answer. Just something to think about.

Edited May 18, 2011 by Quiet Storm

[Silly_Girl]

Ms_Delilah, I'm not really interested in lecturing you on the moral stuff, your story is no worse than others we've seen and lots of other posters will address those things with you.

 

On a purely selfish think-of-yourself POV, I'm not convinced you're getting as much from this R as you think you are.

 

If you were your best friend, or sister, or closest work colleague and you were asked to write a list of things you need, for a R to be successful for you (whether part-time or not.... I know a few people in serious but part-time Rs) I don't think this R fits the bill. I think there is a lot of justification and compromise going on here.

 

It feels as though you're sticking by him because you don't know you could do better...? Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

 

If this guy came with a relationship CV and applied for the post of Man in Your Life, I don't think he'd get through the first round....

[Carrot2000]

So to play Devil's advocate to your apparent value judgement...what if all i'm really interested in is a "wet behind"? I make my own money, I have my own house. I've got male friends to take care of the other manly stuff that needs doing. What if all I really want is one good sexually intimate friend I can trust? (not to say it's him, but that was his intended purpose in my life) Does that make me a slut or something?

 

I don't think you're a slut and I didn't say you were. I do think you are getting the shyte end of the stick. I''m not entirely sure how you can find a man who has proven himself to be a liar time and time again trustworthy.

 

I'm sorry that you have allowed your experience of being cheated on to define your romantic life. I've been cheated on, too, and recently realized that I've allowed that experience to keep me from getting close to any man. While I've been sitting around with my heart closed, my ex had married and had kids. I feel like a fool for giving his past actions that much control over my present life. Like me, you're giving the ten year-old actions of an immature man too much power.

 

I get that you're jaded, but that's no reason to inflict the pain you've suffered on someone else. You probably think you're "safer" seeing a married man because you won't get hurt--he can't cheat on you if he's not yours, right?--but really you're setting yourself up for immense heartbreak.

 

It's time for you to heal and move on from what happened in your 20's.

[MsDelilah]

Maybe I shouldn't respond tonight because I'm very tired and I've been told that my posts have been angry lately and I'm not very compassionate, they could have a point. Anyway.........OP, take what you need and leave the rest.

 

Your mm is a BIG LIAR, and hon I know all about liar's. I dated one on our 2nd go around for about 2 years. I didn't know then, but I sure do know it now. I found out last summer and a lot of it was quite a shocker and guess what, the way I found out about the lies was talking to his bs. Yep.........his BS, who I thought he was very close to a divorce with. So what does that have to do with you..........well the commonality is the LIAR part and heck probably a lot of other things as LIAR's have a lot of the same ole tricks up their sleeves.

 

First he LIED to you about being married.......OH that is such a BIGGIE and it should have been a dealbreaker. My opinion and yeah it's slightly warped but it could be called wise, which ever way you want to look at it is THAT IS A HUGE LIE. You were already in love with him so you convinced yourself and he told you a lot of bs to get you to believe that he just loved you so much and he didn't know he'd fall in love with you and by the time he fell in love with you, he just couldn't hurt you like that. Am I right?

 

So.........you didn't get the lesson then and now a lot of other stuff has happened and you KNOW he has lied to you about many more things..........but, yes there is a BUT, you aren't opening your eyes and allowing yourself to realize that he has lied about soooo much more. I would bet........that he has lied to you about almost everything. Yep.......LIAR's do that. His wife, his marriage, his life, you name it, there are lies all over the place because he is practiced and good at it.

 

If you and the wife could sit and have a conversation, it would knock your socks off because you'd see just what an accomplished LIAR you have there. You won't do it.........you love him and you think he needs protecting because he has told you about the big bad wifie and you believe it, or you've convinced yourself it must be true.

 

There just isn't any nice way to say it, but a man who LIES about the BIGGIE, (being married) will have no qualms about lying about anything and everything else.

 

Hire yourself a PI or call the wife and compare stories........because you've got a really bad man on your hands. I'd bet.......at least $500. on it and there just isn't any nice way to put it.

 

Good luck, cause you are gonna need it.

 

lol - his explnation was along those lines - yes..actually a wee bit more honest - didn't think this was gonna get serious and last 4 years and knew if he told me, I'd leave. Which is pretty much spot on. I won't be contacting the wife though to compare notes though. As much as it would be nice to see him squirm, his kids are at stake, and I know he loves them. And I can pretty much bet that what I have to say is heavier than what she may have to say in certain ways. There's no need to air all the dirty laundry. That's not my way. I don't doubt he's lied about other stuff - like you said he is a liar. Trying to dig to find the extent of it just puts more energy towards it. I'm ok with stopping at the big repetitive unnecessary lies.