5 Years...now she wants freedom.

[NYBlue]

Long story, short...real short...just imagine the detailed version

 

I met this girl when she was 19...I was 21. She is very attractive and extremely smart/driven. We clicked, fell in love, and I moved home from going to school out of state to be with her.The first portion of the relationship I had quite a few friends I grew up with and went to school with. They were partying a bit and going to clubs and bars...I wasn't too opposed to this but she was, she wanted to stay focused on school and stay away from those types of scenes. She said she wans't in to that type of stuff as she had done a little of it before meeting me and came to the conclusion it wasn't her style. She was a bit insecure, but I din't think of it as a bad thing. I took it as a positive influence and passed up an opportunity to live with four of my high school classmates in bachelor house. I thought this was good for me to focus on school and grow-up so I can start a career so we moved in to a nicer, more comfortable living situation. In other words, it was time for me to become and adult. I had to work more hours to supplement the expenses, but it was something I wanted to do for us.

 

We often would visit my friends and I would include her in all the activities we did; a lot of the time she was very hesitant but had a great time when we actually went. Her friends had gone off to college so she didn't have too many outside activates other than her large family. My close friends became her friends, although she tended to judge them for their "lifestyle". I started to neglect my larger circle of friends and worked tons of hours and went to school as much as I could (She had a trust fund from her grandmother). I enjoyed just having her as my bestfriend and we spend most of our time together doing really interesting stuff, traveling and spending a lot of time outdoors. She often reinforced that this was made her happy and this was the life she wanted. At one point she convinced me that I was the source of her happiness(which we all know it's not, it comes from within). Anyway I believed it and bought into being her source of happiness and made her mine.

 

Well 5 years later she had graduated school, I didn't, but we both landed really lucrative jobs. We were on our way to finally being a successful couple both making really good money. We(I) had acquired some debt from living on our own and were paying that off before we decided to marry and by a house. Well as we neared the time to buy a house she came to me out of no where and said she is confused and doesn't know why. She wanted to take a break and be alone so she could appreciate me, she said didn't know what life was without me. She insisted she didn't want to party, date other men etc that it was just something she needed to get passed and that I was surely in her long term future. I was devastated but respected her wishes.

 

Five days after she asked for the break I was heartbroken waiting for her to call me with her decision on how she wanted to proceeded with the relationship. Then come to find out the first Friday after, she went out with my "close friends" to a bar drinking(she NEVER drank) and wearing clothes she doesn't normally wear. Not only that she became very active on FB, which she used to bash all the time. Posting updates, pictures with guys etc.

 

She went on to hang out with my friends a few more times after that going to clubs, weekly dinners etc. I confronted some on my "closer friends" and they were like, hey she's our friend too and she's went to school with some mutual friends. I understand the other group of people(30+ individuals) hanging out with her as I neglected them over the past five years to prevent losing her. But still, these were the people I was going to get back in touch with to get out of this heart break...these were people I partied with before I ever met her. People who I went camping, hiking, biking, beach trips etc People who made me the fun, outgoing guy she fell for.

 

Well here is my problem. I have not developed adult relationships with my larger circle of friends due to all of my time(5 years) being spent with her. I was planning on going back and reconnecting with them to get my social life back...well she went in right away(3 days after she told me I was in her long term future) and became friends with all the girls in the group and started participating in all of their activities(Clubs, Bars, BBQs, Drinks after work etc.) I see pictures of her on FB with all of my social group and it ****ing sucks because I don't want to see her as I am still madly in love with her.

 

I have decided to cut my "close friends" who I thoght were my brothers...as they all point blank said they would sleep with her if they got the chance. My "closest friend" coincidently broke up with his girlfriend and started calling her for "women advise". I also caught him lying about not going out one night...come to find out he did go out and it was with the group she's been hanging with.

 

The reality is I have been stiff armed from my whole social scene because she's all up in there having the time of her life. She's a new cute face and alot of the guys see a rebound opportunity (Again most of these people have no loyalty to me as I havn't developed friendships with them over the past 5 years).

 

Now I'm here and all of the people I have ever known are mixed with that social group. It's very interconnected group. They are going out and having a good time, while I sit here and miss the **** out of what we once had. I am anxious that she's now going to enjoy all those actives that I used to pass up with be with her. I don't ever want to see her as I couldn't stomach seeing her with another guy. I have had absolutely NC since I asked her to pick up her stuff the following Monday that she went out with my "friends".

 

What the **** do I do...I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I am now without the girl I thought I was about to marry and now the people who I would go to to get over all of this are kickn' back with her enjoying her and her freedom.

 

Again, what the **** do I do here. I haven't talked to her for 2.5 months and I haven't talked to the "friends" for 2+ weeks. I have been trying to work...it's very difficult. I have been hitting the gym, meeting with people that aren't part of that group(I don't have too much in common with these people), and trying to find **** to do on my weekends.

 

Any advise would be great!

Edited May 17, 2011 by NYBlue

[Ajax]

I do not envy your situation my friend, but you certainly have my sympathy. It sounds like your ex may have succumb to a quarter life crisis or the ubiquitous "Grass is Greener Syndrome." Happens to a lot of people, especially young women, when they graduate from college and/or hit their mid twenties.

 

Five years is a long time for a relationship, particularly in your late teens and early twenties. Often times people feel the need to see what else is out there before settling down.

 

If this is the case, there's really nothing you could have done. I know it hurts though, and it's natural to second guess yourself or play "what if" scenarios in your head, but try not to blame yourself for what happened. It sounds like overall you were fair and loving towards her. Maybe someday she'll appreciate that, maybe she won't. Now's the time for you to embrace your freedom and take this opportunity to grow.

 

It seems to me that during the relationship you put everything you had into it. Kudos on being so dedicated, but I think there's a lesson to be learned as well. You said yourself that you neglected other relationships while you were with her. In future romantic relationships it would be wise to maintain your other relationships as well and have your own "world."

 

 

 

I have decided to cut my "close friends" who I thoght were my brothers...as they all point blank said they would sleep with her if they got the chance. My "closest friend" coincidently broke up with his girlfriend and started calling her for "women advise". I also caught him lying about not going out one night...come to find out he did go out and it was with the group she's been hanging with.

 

 

These may not be the friendships you would want to cultivate though. Actually, the fact that they'd do this proves that they're not your friends in the first place. Toxic, parasitic scavengers who clearly don't have your best interests in mind. You'll be better off without them.

 

I will say that while your ex's behavior is not unusual for a girl her age (read any number of similar threads on here) her treatment of you is disrespectful and downright hurtful. It would appear that she's trying to do a "friend grab" and ensure that she doesn't lose access to your "friends" despite the breakup. Friends that throughout the relationship she didn't really relate to and whose lifestyles she didn't support. But now post-breakup, that lifestyle seems to be more appealing to her, and she wants to keep her options open.

 

As painful as it will be, your best course of action is to go No Contact. It doesn't sound like she's coming back, and you wouldn't really be able to trust her now if she did. But it's also time to drop some of the "friends" who she's hanging out with.

 

Focus on yourself now and developing healthy relationships with people who care about you. It may take time to recover from this, but you have to start somewhere and the sooner the better. You can make new friends. Join a club, take a class, or even volunteer. Those are great ways to meet new people and put your mind to something productive.

 

Good luck and welcome to Loveshack!

[NYBlue]

Hey thanks for the reply. I appreciate it!

 

Yeah there is surely a lesson to be learned here and trust me, it will be applied in the future.

 

As far as the "close friends", yeah I agree, I cut them off and don't plan to invest anymore stock in them. Their value has clearly taken a nose dive, so now is the time to cut my losses.

 

I have been NC since I told her to pick up her stuff the Monday after I found out she went out drinking during the time she needed to "think". Haven't had ANY contact with he in 2.5 months.

 

Again thanks for the reply...it's greatly appreciated!

[vegasmistake]

Man I say drop all those people. Take some me-time and figure out where to go from here. When I was going through my last break-up, I just shut out everyone that wasn't on my side and haven't looked back since. Your gonna go through this alone prob, but we all do at some point or another. It's just your time now.

[NYBlue]

Those people are dropped...although it really sucks because a lot of them I have know for a very long time.

 

Yeah, I think think you're right. This is definitely going to be a long journey.

[Chi townD]

well, the first thing you need to do is defriend her and those folks off of your facebook. You don't need them rubbing all of this in your face. Strict NC with ALL OF THEM. Believe me, you don't need to be reminded of that crap.

 

I strongly suggest putting yourself out there. Find other interests, do some traveling, you meet some amazing people along the way. Go to school. If you ever wanted revenge, the best way to do that is to lead a successful and enjoyable life.

 

She seems pretty confident that you are her long term....whatever. So, does this mean that she can Ho around town and then after she gets bored, she just take you off the back burner? Is that how she views you? Do you deserve that? Does she honestly EXPECT you to wait around for her?Your answer hopefully is, "HELL NO!" It's pretty obvious she doesn't give a damn about you. She hasn't even contacted you in over 2 months. I mean even the most evil of bitches call to see what kind of destruction they left in their wake.

 

Delete them, cut all contact and start to heal dude!

[sun_moon]

NYblue

 

You know my heart goes out to you, it sucks. Doesnt it all seem so unfair?? I also want to say you sound like a responsible guy and you would do anything for her, I would kill for that! lol

 

she does sound like she might be like in a quarter life crises or something....she will burn her self out. She is wondering the what ifs in life, and that is all about her and nothing to do with you, its an inner quest she must discover.

 

From someone who went through something similar I can relate, but thankfully and for a lot of the time I didn't involve a significant other.

 

I also worked hard in school, never wanted to party/drink, I worked, I went to school, I paid the bills, I lived with my family, I did all the right things, I was in a long term relationship. My relationship ended, I grieved, graduated college, grieved...

 

And one day (single) I just wanted to try new things, I'm a working professional, with a lot of time of my hands, my priorities changed and I wanted to explore, try new things, leave my comfort zone. This was when I was around 24-25 years old, and I had been out of college for a bit...

 

I'm telling you this because the 19 year old me would have been appalled and judged the 25 year old me.

 

So the good news for you is that it could have been a lot worse. She could have been messy and cheated or god knows what.

 

The bad news is, she stole your friends and left you high and dry.

 

I know your crazy about her and she is crazy about you too, find a new networking circle and go do YOU, and reconnect with all the things she took away from you.

 

A good way to do that is dancing and dancing lessons! I know it sounds lame, but with that comes new acquaintances and friends, they end up meeting weekly to hang out at bars or venues, it sounds exactly like something you can benefit from.

 

I hope you get through this time. Way to go on the 2.5 months no contact, you are strong.

[NYBlue]

Ok a little update...I have been away from the FB **** till Today. I just found out she has been dating a new guy for the past few weeks. Going to baseball games with him etc! Happens to be the brother of one of the girls she became good friends with.

 

I never in a million years would have thought she was capable of something like this, NEVER! She never had a picture of me on her on FB but a few weeks after dating this guy she's got him all up on there!

 

**** yeah...time to move on my friends. Looks like this has been brewing for quite some time and I was too blind to see it....so much for trust and honesty. I would have bet my life that she wasn't capable of this....WRONG!

 

Thank you all for the posts!

[usabup]

Ok a little update...I have been away from the FB **** till Today. I just found out she has been dating a new guy for the past few weeks. Going to baseball games with him etc! Happens to be the brother of one of the girls she became good friends with.

 

I never in a million years would have thought she was capable of something like this, NEVER! She never had a picture of me on her on FB but a few weeks after dating this guy she's got him all up on there!

 

**** yeah...time to move on my friends. Looks like this has been brewing for quite some time and I was too blind to see it....so much for trust and honesty. I would have bet my life that she wasn't capable of this....WRONG!

 

Thank you all for the posts!

 

Mate that sucks! I was going to say though, when a women breaks up with you out of the blue for no reason, there is usually another man involved!

[Ajax]

I never in a million years would have thought she was capable of something like this, NEVER! She never had a picture of me on her on FB but a few weeks after dating this guy she's got him all up on there!

 

 

Yeeeah... my breakup is far less recent than yours, but I had a similar experience a couple weeks ago while on FB. My ex pulled the "I can't be in a relationship" card on me out of the blue, and a few months later she was in one again. I wondered what changed in her life that she could once again be in a relationship. And why, if our relationship was as good as she'd previously claimed, she didn't resume with me.

 

And then I saw the picture of them sharing a milkshake as her Facebook profile picture. It turned my stomach. I'd had defriended her, but alas, I still fell to the temptation to look. Like you, she'd never had a picture of us as a primary FB pic. It stung. And then just a few days ago, her cousin (one of my best friends) tagged a picture of himself from his uncle's wedding a year ago. Sitting right next to him in the picture is me with my arm around the ex, looking like we were two love birds.

 

It's been said here before that Facebook is the enemy. Take it from me, it's better to be blissfully ignorant of her situation than have to see it. You may not be able to get away from mutual friends, but you can at least purge her from Facebook.

 

You sound like a stand up guy, and you deserve better than this. Stay on the high road, difficult as it may be. Also, when I first saw the picture of my ex and her new beau together, I started comparing myself to him. What was it he had that I didn't? What makes him better than me? Etc, etc... It's easy to do, but it's just your ego playing tricks on you. Don't compare yourself to him, don't think less of yourself because she has a picture with him and never had one with you.

 

People have told me, and I'll pass it along, that you need to get out of her world and into your world. Letting go is hard, but until you do you'll never get to the place you want to be.

 

As for her lying to you, it stinks. It also happens a lot. It's also easy to judge them based on it. Heck, she tore your heart out and lied to your face. Songs have been sung about this, poems composed, movies made. I don't mean to trivialize what she did, because no matter how many people do it it doesn't make it right, but you will survive this.

 

Like I said, you deserve better than this, and one day you'll get it. What goes around comes around, and if you maintain your dignity and respect, you'll attract that in others too.

[NYBlue]

Hey Ajax,

 

You're right bro...my ignorance has gotten the best of me. People would tell me all the time that women are liars, back stabbers, cheaters etc., and I would sit back and honestly laugh and look at my ex with love and be like not this one, we have a unique relationship. I would think to myself, I have a diamond over here; I treated her like one too. I would listen to those songs and watch those movies, then laugh in my head and feel sorry for people who had to deal with BS like that. Then I would always look at my ex lovingly and fall in love with her because "she wasn't like that". I had to have fallen in love with her a million times over the past five years. I was sure we were going to be together forever, and so did her Mom..now here I am, I'm that guy! haha

 

What turns me over at night is the whole, "It's not you. I just need to be alone. I have never been alone. I have had a boyfriend all through high school, then I had my Mom, then a year later I met you. I haven't been alone my whole life. I just need to be by myself so I know what I like and what I don't like. I see you in my long term future, but I just need to experience this world alone."

 

Another thing is, the day before she cut me loose she went with me and my developmentally disabled Uncle(who had never been out of his home state) on a tour of my city. F.u.c.k, he was so excited! She was all up in the pictures like nothing was wrong. Jumping in wherever she could. Now here we are trying to figure out how to crop her out of them. Some of them we can't.

 

It boggles my mind how she can lay her head to sleep at night! She actually had a gnarly rash toward the end and was telling me it was all related to work, "Oh work is killing me. Its so stressful!"...now I know the truth; she was twisted about having this emotional affair. I think people play with their conscience when they're young and don't realize the torture it may bring them in old age. Maybe not, maybe she's truly heartless.

 

Quick story: One time I got into a fight with these dudes at a store. I ended up getting sucker punched from behind by one of them and got knocked out. She was always like, "Why don't we go look for them. Why don't you wait at the store till they come back again."....I would sit back and tell her, "I don't sucker punch people. Those aren't my demons to face. I fight fair and square and if that's how people want to spend their precious time in this world, it's on them not me. I will focus on those fights I've lost fairly" Point of that is I would die to look at her square in the eye and be like, "No wonder why you wanted revenge so bad. You're a sucker puncher yourself."

 

It's all just so hard to wrap my head around because she had me fooled. But yes, I am a stand up guy. Never once did I cheat, or ever think about leaving her for greener grass. I knew what I had(at least I thought I knew) Hopefully you're right, mate. Hopefully I can find someone that appreciates me, my honest character, and my loyalty. I'll post back here when and if I do find her.

[sun_moon]

NYBlue,

 

I'm so sorry to hear the developments.....my situation is different but I will give you a snippet mirror image of what I know to be like yours.

 

I've had my FB deactivated for over a year because I think its evil and causes drama...I just needed a break from it.

 

I too when I was with my ex of 2 years wasnt on his FB profile or anything really, now he's rebounding and told me btw, she's all over my facebook with me, I like to show her off in my pictures!

Is that not EVIL?

 

and like you (while I am the one that initiated the break up, he talked me back into talking and trying to work things out) he told me he couldnt fathom being with anyone else just working on us and trying to fix things so we can be a couple....like you, my partner lied to me. HE LIED TO ME, he became more withdrawn from me as he was trying to work things out and surprise surprise it was because he was seeing someone.

 

She will so get what is coming to her....her relationship will not last.

 

NYBlue, anything that starts fast, built on lies, built on deceit, built on someone else's pain...it will crumble.

 

I'm a firm believer in that.

 

Its time for you to go completely NC on her, no FB, not email, text, calls, nothing. Erase her and start your healing process...

 

I too hope to find someone with excellent character, I, now more than ever, look for honesty and integrity as a must in someone.

 

A devoted honest person like yourself deserves that you will find it one day.

 

Keep us posted on you.

[Chi townD]

okay, here's my sappy and corny ethos. There is a girl out there that is for you and you alone. She'll love ya, take care of you and you will always be in her thoughts and heart. She will become your best friend and she will TRUELY feel like your partner and your other half. You haven't met her yet. She's waiting for you to find her.