Sebastianthebear Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I've been with my gf for 2 years. The last year has been rocky due to major family trouble, which has left her exhausted. She barely has the energy to come watch a little TV with me at night, so needless to say we never get to go out (even to dinner) and we have sex maybe once every two months, where we used to have it daily. That said, I'm crazy in love with this girl. I'd rather stay home with her than go out to the nicest restaurant in town with any other woman. She's cautious and slow moving as hell though. For the first year we were together (before the family issues) she said she loved me maybe 2-3 times. She kept our relationship secret from everyone & expects me to too (we work together, but it isn't against company policy). I have seen her house once, because she feels like her home is her private sanctuary. But for the first year she was still talking about a life with me. She wanted to move in to my house, she talked about our future. Then with her family trouble she withdrew even more. This year she has not once said she loved me, but I thought it was because she was so stressed. Finally yesterday I told her I couldn't take it. I told her I loved her and wanted a future, but I needed something in return for all my energy I put into us. She agreed that she wasn't doing anything for me and that we should take a break. In a fit of self-pity, I asked why she never said she loved me. She said, "I don't love you. You can't do nothing for someone, have no time or energy for someone, and say you love them. That's cruel." She went on to say I didn't love her, because she never did anything for me. She finished by saying she cared about me, that she doesn't want us to end, and that she hopes one day we can have a real relationship. I cried all night, knowing that this person I've loved, the person I imagined spending my life with, doesn't love me back. She said she used to love me, but now she is too stressed and doesn't. And worse she doesn't understand why hearing that from her would hurt me. Does she love me and just trying to protect herself? Is she crazy? Was she lying about loving me before? Can you really just stop loving someone because you can't do the things for him you wanted to do? What can I do?
utterer of lies Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Sounds to me like she's suffering from depression.
samspade Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Look at her actions. She keeps her relationship with you a secret and doesn't let you into her house? What the F is that? Sex once every two months? With all that secrecy, the question isn't so much whether she loves you but why she had the audacity to string you along for so long. And she can blame it on her family issues but that dog don't hunt. If she loved you she'd lean on you for support, not push you away. Ask yourself whether YOU really love this girl. It sounds to me like you'd rather have an unfeeling, absentee girlfriend than to risk being alone. But give her this much - now she's actually TOLD you to your face she doesn't love you. You don't need to be asking any more questions, bro. Take her word for it (especially when you consider her actions) and break off 100%. Find someone who wants to be with you - when someone wants to be with you, you'll know it.
SxB Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I've been with my gf for 2 years. The last year has been rocky due to major family trouble, which has left her exhausted. She barely has the energy to come watch a little TV with me at night, so needless to say we never get to go out (even to dinner) and we have sex maybe once every two months, where we used to have it daily. That said, I'm crazy in love with this girl. I'd rather stay home with her than go out to the nicest restaurant in town with any other woman. She's cautious and slow moving as hell though. For the first year we were together (before the family issues) she said she loved me maybe 2-3 times. She kept our relationship secret from everyone & expects me to too (we work together, but it isn't against company policy). I have seen her house once, because she feels like her home is her private sanctuary. But for the first year she was still talking about a life with me. She wanted to move in to my house, she talked about our future. Then with her family trouble she withdrew even more. This year she has not once said she loved me, but I thought it was because she was so stressed. Finally yesterday I told her I couldn't take it. I told her I loved her and wanted a future, but I needed something in return for all my energy I put into us. She agreed that she wasn't doing anything for me and that we should take a break. In a fit of self-pity, I asked why she never said she loved me. She said, "I don't love you. You can't do nothing for someone, have no time or energy for someone, and say you love them. That's cruel." She went on to say I didn't love her, because she never did anything for me. She finished by saying she cared about me, that she doesn't want us to end, and that she hopes one day we can have a real relationship. I cried all night, knowing that this person I've loved, the person I imagined spending my life with, doesn't love me back. She said she used to love me, but now she is too stressed and doesn't. And worse she doesn't understand why hearing that from her would hurt me. Does she love me and just trying to protect herself? Is she crazy? Was she lying about loving me before? Can you really just stop loving someone because you can't do the things for him you wanted to do? What can I do? It's over with dude, she doesn't want to be with you anymore. There is nothing true you can do but start your moving on process and let her go. You try and do anything more and you will come to find out it's more painful than moving on.
Mrlonelyone Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I agree with the last posting there is nothing more you can do but move on. Long relationships have endured this type of thing but they are the exception. I hate saying it but I'll bet she has at least one other man. That is how a woman talks who, quite possibly, was using you as a placeholder. Some women always have a BF but aren't really into him. They just have to have a boyfriend just to have one.
Author Sebastianthebear Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Yeah, everyone is saying the things I've been afraid to hear. The thing is, I gave up on her once before. After a month I met a new girl, who treated me exactly the way any man hopes to be treated. But two months into it my gf convinced me to give her another chance, showed me so much love and affection I came running back to her. So it wasn't me being afraid to be alone--I chose her over another available sweet girl, and I've been single for long periods of time in the past. Come to think of it, the only time she shows "love" to me is when she thinks she's losing me. Ouch. Guess that means I should expect another outpouring of affection in another week or two. I don't think she has another guy *per se* but I do think she is essentially having an EA with her ex. They rely on each other for support, even though she swears they are just very old friends. They've known each other since they were kids. I do think she has depression, but she won't do anything about it. It breaks my heart to watch this girl spiral deeper and deeper into her own shell. Do I really have to go NC with this girl? We work together and are part of a very small, tight circle of friends (who, yeah, don't know we've been dating....).
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Do you know anything about her relationship history? My guess is that she's been hurt in the past and/or had some pretty stormy ones. It sounds as if she's got barriers up left and right and is not comfortable being vulnerable. I don't doubt that she probably believed she did love you, but the truth is that her heart isn't in it NOW. And that's where you're at, in the present. I'd let her go.
Author Sebastianthebear Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Yes, she was in just one really serious relationship before this, and yes it broke her ability to trust men. It lasted well over a decade, and ended with her boyfriend cheating on her with her (former) best friend. This is the guy she leans on for support even now, years after the break up. Ok, so she doesn't love me. She wants to be friends, is that even possible? Or does it just leave the door open for me falling in love again?
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