Married, Ex who's also married talks of being together...

[maree]

I've been married for about 8 months now. The year of my wedding (2010), I learned from a good friend (who is also good friends with my ex, first love, from about 7 years ago) that my ex (see previous) got in touch with her to ask how I was doing. Granted, I hadn't talked or even seen him since about 3 years prior to this. She told him I was getting married, yada yada yada. I knew that he had got married a couple years ago. Issue being...he confessed to her how much he screwed up with me and how much he had loved me, still. Well it was quite a shock to me. We (my ex and I) were together for 6 months strong, then 4 years on and off. Things ended kind of odd. Never was there any real closure. He just started seeing someone else and I moved away to school.

That was Jan. 2010 that I learned this. I got married in October. Come this past February, when going home to our hometown, I saw him (my ex) out. We talked a little bit and got on the subject of us in the past and this phonecall between he and our mutual friend (when he confessed his true feelings). Basically, we exchanged #'s that night and have been texting maybe once a month (or whenever I go back there). Things haven't really gotten out of hand until this past visit (***note***I don't go back to our hometown specifically to visit him, I have family there). We exchanged texts the first night I was in...general "how are you's", "what you up to". Then, the convo took a different turn. He basically said he can't stop thinking of me and how he wishes we could be together emotionally and physically. How he can only hope that in a few years, we're both divorced so that we can be together. This all really caught me offguard. I am happily married (for the most part) and simply cannot imagine my life without my husband. But, I find myself thinking of my ex nearly everyday. I realize the intermittant communication doesn't help, which is why I told him after all of this that we need to not talk anymore and I deleted his #. Yet here I am...thinking of going through my phone records to get his # back & apologize for being so blunt and whatnot about things.

I guess I just need some advice as to how to move on from these seemingly unresolved feelings for my ex. Has anyone ever been through anything similar?

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you are doing to him? You have been married only 8 months with your husband and you are thinking and communicating with your ex. You are being terribly disrespectful to your husband. Does he really deserve this? You are already emotionally cheating on your husband.

I would suggest that you should show this post to your husband and have a long talk. If you cannot be emotionally faithful to your husband then you should seek an annulment and allow your husband to find someone else who can respect him and a marriage because you seemingly cannot. Didn't your wedding vows mean anything to you at all? Again how would you feel if your husband was doing this to you behind your back? My guess is that your husband would not do this because he respects you too much. It is a shame that you cannot say the same. It is time for you to grow up and stop being so self-destructive. I wish you luck because you will need it. You either have a marriage based on honesty and respect or lies and deceit. Which one do you want?

[reservoirdog1]

Counselling may be of help. Plus you mentioned that you are "for the most part" happy with your husband; you should focus energy on the area(s) of your marriage that are less than satisfying. If need be, sit your H down and have a heart-to-heart with him about what needs improvement. Keep it not in terms of "you never/always do ___", but in terms of "we're really great together and I love you a lot; if I could change one thing, it would be ____. Can we work together to change that?" In other words, make it your (yours AND his) task, not his alone.

 

The reason for this is twofold. Firstly, it'll help focus your attention and thought where it should be. Secondly, it'll probably improve your marriage.

 

I do commend you for recognizing the risk and nipping things in the bud with the ex now, before they went any further. Lots of people come to LS after things have gone further; needless to say, by that point, the problems are far bigger than yours.

 

Absolutely, uncategorically -- DON'T resume contact with the ex, DON'T seek out his phone number. In light of him telling you he can't stop thinking about you, wishes you and he could be together, and hopes you're both divorced in a few years, he should be persona non grata. He's a potential threat to your marriage and should thus be avoided like the plague.

 

The longer you go without contacting him, the less important he'll seem and the less he'll occupy your thoughts.

 

I wish you the very best.

[maree]

You're absolutely right, Bryanp. Thanks for the blunt and true response. My husband is no saint either...but he doesn't deserve this. Its good to hear the reality of the situation and not some sugar coated crap from "friends". Thank you.

[maree]

Thanks to you too rdog1. I absolutely think counseling would help us. Its just getting him to go. We've been together for 7 years prior to getting married. I think things have just gotten abit stale and we've gotten into this daily routine which needs to change. Sometimes I feel like his mother, not his wife. Still, its no excuse for communicating with my ex. There are always small things that no everyone is able to find out about in these kind of forums (as to not lose everyone in the lengthiness of a post...). It's good to hear peoples thoughts though on things they can look at with a fresh eye, no bull. Thanks again.

[stace79]

Absolutely, uncategorically -- DON'T resume contact with the ex, DON'T seek out his phone number. In light of him telling you he can't stop thinking about you, wishes you and he could be together, and hopes you're both divorced in a few years, he should be persona non grata. He's a potential threat to your marriage and should thus be avoided like the plague.

 

The longer you go without contacting him, the less important he'll seem and the less he'll occupy your thoughts.

 

Ditto on this. You should be working with your husband to determine why you felt you needed this reconnection with your ex. What is missing for you in your marriage that you say is mostly happy?

 

Read this:

http://www.cheatingways.com/just-friends-not-likely-an-emotional-affair/

 

I also really like the site www.marriagebuilders.com. Teaches you about the differences between a man's and woman's needs within a relationship and how you can work on satisfying each other, so the temptation to fill those needs elsewhere does not arise.