NC question for a newbie

[growingpains]

Hi everyone, I have found the advice on here invaluable and have been reading a lot for quite some time so just want to say thanks to everyone for sharing their experiences and advice.

 

I've been particularly touched by FightClub's story, since there have been similarities to mine, except I have never got to the point of taking it further. Seeing the reality of what could happen really gave me the jolt I needed to stop myself, so I am very grateful for that. I'm working on my marriage and trying to deal with the issues around what I might have been seeking.

 

I am currently NC and have been for several months. It has been very difficult, but of course necessary. I received an email out of the blue recently and some of it was a little hurtful and some was apologetic and asking me to get in touch. The tone was basically that he had moved on and was with someone else but still thought about me and wanted to hear from me etc.

 

I don't want to get on the merry-go-round again, causing pain for myself and others so obviously I feel that not responding is the best option. However there is part of me that feels this is rude and not really me.

 

I just wondered if anyone had been on the receiving end of NC and understood why the person hadn't responded or how that made them feel? What did they think about being ignored?

 

I know he knows all the reasons, they've been said before so I don't want to go over old ground but...

 

Any other NC advice from anyone else gratefully received, I would really appreciate the support and advice.

 

Thanks in advance,

GP

[FightClub]

Hey growingpains,

 

Welcome to LS! Thank you for shout-out, I myself have also been just around seven months NC with my xMW and it has been a incredible journey from what it once was when I first joined LS and I hope you are doing well, please feel free to ask any and all questions, we're here to help!

 

As far as NC goes, this thread is one of the most valuable to helping you understand, enforce and continue to use everyday. ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ )

 

From my own experience watching other threads here, the xAP that is trying to reach out to you is mostly fishing, expecting a response and just about any response to see what is happening with you.

 

Unfortunately, from what I've seen on LS it usually ends with feelings, boundaries and the affair in short starting all over again and eventually back in pain, No Contact = No New Hurts.

 

my xMW has not broken NC in these seven months but I would say just ignore and delete any further communication, block all avenues of contact if possible.

 

Can you give us a background of your story? It would help everyone give you more precise advice.

 

Cheers!

 

-FC

Edited May 17, 2011 by FightClub

[growingpains]

Thank you FightClub, for your warm welcome and speedy response, not to mention the great advice. It especially means a lot from you as I have followed your story closely and gained a lot of strength from it. You have done amazingly well and you must be very proud at how far you have come. It certainly gives me hope. It is also really interesting for me to hear the other side.

 

I'll be visiting that thread regularly I'm sure. You are so right about what you say. I do realise that any further communication will lead to it starting again and in turn lead to more pain. It has happened before. This time I felt I was on my way to feeling better but this email definitely put me back and it was like a bit of a punch in the stomach.

 

I will post more about my situation if you think it would be helpful. I just wanted to post a thank you to you first. I suppose I have a degree of paranoia that it may be spotted but I guess that is unlikely anyway. Briefly though, I am the married woman and the situation was with a single man.

 

Once again, thank you. I will post more as soon as I get the opportunity.

 

GP

[FightClub]

You are so welcome! Believe it or not, seeking guidance and new perspectives on these type of relationships will help you understand so much more than you would have seen by yourself.

 

That's been my greatest guide in my journey, communication and advice from all on LS- Married man/woman, Other Women, Betrayed Spouse, Other Man and those who've seen all sides of the coin. Everyone has so much to offer and in time, you will learn and be so much stronger everyday!

 

If you are ever down and out always feel free to post.

 

Look forward to hearing your story!

 

-FC

Edited May 17, 2011 by FightClub

[East7]

Welcome to LS, GP.

 

As FS I have been in the shoes of your xOM (single guy with MW). Things are not black and white.

 

If your xOM contacted you this may happen because he has a little nostalgia about what he experienced with you. We all have our weak moments and we cave in.

 

The question you should be asking is not "Why he is writing me / should I respond?" . The question is what do you expect to happen ? Let's consider you resume contact, what is the goal ? there are no details about what happened but if you dumped him for going back to your husband, then stick with your decision and don't talk to him.

Doing so you will make him a favor for not giving him false hopes that something can happen between you two again.

 

May I ask why did you go back to your H ?

[growingpains]

Thanks again both of you. FC I'm hoping that will be the same for me. It has already just from reading but getting these responses is already a great support and it is a big help knowing I've got somewhere to come to now I've taken the plunge

 

East, thank you too. I have read your posts and advice too, in fact your post about fishing really struck a chord. That whole thread helped so much when I had not long received my fishing attempt and I could definitely identify with your anger and frustration. I agree things are not black and white. I've had to question everything I thought about myself recently and the whole thing has not been pretty. I have asked myself what would be the point, I thought maybe to leave things in a civil way, but I realise that is a stupid reason and quite possibly an excuse.

 

I didn't actually leave my husband (although I did for a while, mentally at least), or take the actual step to become physically unfaithful, if that makes sense. I was about to and then stopped myself just before it was too late, which was when I decided to pull back and withdraw. It sounds ridiculous writing it down but the whole thing has been going on for over two years. I ended once before but I'm ashamed to say it restarted in earnest. In one way, I know that it is easier as I have not had the physical connection that makes this even more difficult but in another it's almost like the fantasy will always be preserved. Even though I know it is just that, a fantasy. I hope that makes sense.

 

GP

Edited May 17, 2011 by growingpains
added some more info

[fooled once]

Hey growingpains,

 

Welcome to LS! Thank you for shout-out, I myself have also been just around seven months NC with my xMW and it has been a incredible journey from what it once was when I first joined LS and I hope you are doing well, please feel free to ask any and all questions, we're here to help!

 

As far as NC goes, this thread is one of the most valuable to helping you understand, enforce and continue to use everyday. ( http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t81399/ )

 

From my own experience watching other threads here, the xAP that is trying to reach out to you is mostly fishing, expecting a response and just about any response to see what is happening with you.

 

Unfortunately, from what I've seen on LS it usually ends with feelings, boundaries and the affair in short starting all over again and eventually back in pain, No Contact = No New Hurts.

 

my xMW has not broken NC in these seven months but I would say just ignore and delete any further communication, block all avenues of contact if possible.

 

Can you give us a background of your story? It would help everyone give you more precise advice.

 

Cheers!

 

-FC

 

welcome growing.

 

FC gave you some great advice.

 

I would like to reiterate that NC is the BEST way for you to heal.

 

MM is fishing; testing the waters, etc. He had no problems having an affair with you. He sees you as vulnerable, possibly needy. He has an ego the size of Russia He probably figures life without him must be lonely and sad for you.

 

You are under no obligation to respond and for YOUR sake, I hope you don't. I think you are trying to justify responding, like not wanting to be rude. Hon, that's baloney. You want to respond because you want to know if he misses you, still cares for you, you are wondering if he is "free", etc.

 

Please put him out of your head and heart. There is something much better for you out there. Heck, being alone is better than being with a MM, IMHO.

 

Hang in there, stay strong and please don't go backwards. Stay going forward, to a new future and no new hurts

[Silly_Girl]

I just wondered if anyone had been on the receiving end of NC and understood why the person hadn't responded or how that made them feel? What did they think about being ignored?

 

I was. My MM went totally silent on me 12 months ago. Completely knocked me for six. I showed up here, reeling. I took his silence to be him demonstrating a lack of love/care for me... Even though I knew damn well deep down he loved me still.

 

Best friend 1 said he was cruel to do so. Best friend 2 said it was the first honourable thing he'd done, to remove himself from my life if he couldn't give what he'd promised.

 

We're together now so I know that he went NC because he knew deep down he was not ready to take the action he has since taken. He knew if he discussed that with me I would go in to fix-it mode and basically attempt to encourage him to act when he did not feel that timing, or that approach would be right. I mean obviously he was very remorseful first off, felt terrible for what he'd put me through, the reasoning behind the NC was there. I'm glad it happened, headf**k though it was. Else he could have left back then and resented me/regretted it. This is much better.

 

I think, with NC, once that's the way and has been for a while, it no longer matters what the reason is or how it's perceived. It's either important it stays, or important contact is resumed. If the latter isn't true I'd recommend sticking with the former

[betterdeal]

NC isn't a weapon. It's a stage in our lives, at the end of a relationship. It's how we let go of the old relationship, the old you, and move onto the new you, and a new relationship with the world.

 

Back in the old days, we didn't have Facebook, email, text, or mobile phones. When two people fell out, we'd not hear from each other unless we wrote a letter, called their landline (the number of which we memorised) or went around to their house. It required a significant effort to get back in touch (unless we bumped into each other by accident).

 

This made it easier to accept you were no longer connected with each other because physical separation equated to emotional and intellectual separation. Ask yourself this, if all the contact you have these days with that person is by staring at a screen and reading some words displayed on it, why aren't you talking to each other directly or in each other's company now?

 

If you want to thumb a phone or hit a keyboard with your fingers and stare at a screen, do that. If you want to have a connection with a real person in real life, do that. Don't confuse the two. Text / email / Facebook is the conversational equivalent to two people being in two separate rooms in the same house masturbating to porn and calling that making love to each other.

[East7]

Fooled and SillyG,

I think you are making some confusion : the OM is single OM involved with MW. He is not MM.

[Silly_Girl]

Fooled and SillyG,

I think you are making some confusion : the OM is single OM involved with MW. He is not MM.

 

Interesting!! I thought the OP was married woman who was employing NC and asking how it might be interpreted by her xAP.....

[FightClub]

From what I understand, she is the married woman who employed NC with her single OM, I think there was some confusion when SillyGirl mentioned her MM, she was using her MM as an example for growingpains.

 

-FC

[growingpains]

Thanks for all the replies and thanks for clearing that up East and FC.

 

Just to give a bit more information, I am the MW and I had ceased contact with the single OM several months ago. I received an email from him recently basically as if that never happened and appearing as if he was the one that hadn't been in touch and explaining that during that time he had started seeing someone. Ouch. He went on to say that it would be good to hear from me and that he still thinks about me.

 

One part of me wants to be civil and acknowledge that it is good that he is seeing someone (even though it's for the best and he should be, it really hurts). I did/do genuinely care about him but I know I am doing the right thing. That doesn't make it easier though. I don't want him to think I'm a complete bitch that didn't think anything of him. That couldn't be further than the truth.

 

Fooled once, thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement. Although I guess you probably think I am the one with the ego the size of Russia now. I do genuinely care about his feelings though and I know he deserves better. That's not to say it doesn't hurt.

 

Silly girl, it is very helpful seeing the other side. I'm glad that your situation worked out. It's very true that the reason or perception shouldn't matter after a while. I am struggling with that a bit as I don't want him to think I don't care about him at all, but I know that what I am doing is for the best for everyone in the long run.

 

Betterdeal, I agree with what you are saying about that 'connection' or false intimacy that online actually creates. I think that's all tied up with the escapism fantasy thing, but ultimately that can't be sustained.

 

Again, all your replies really help me see the whole situation. It's so easy to just get tied up in knots about it all.

 

GP

Edited May 18, 2011 by growingpains

[Owl]

I don't believe that I've seen this posted yet...WHY did you go NC with OM?

 

What was your intent/goal for doing so?

 

Has the situation changed since you went NC with him originally?

[growingpains]

I don't think I actually explained that bit properly Owl. I went NC because it felt like it was becoming too intense and we were on the verge of making it physical.

 

As much as I wanted it, I know deep down it is the wrong thing for everyone and from everything I've read on here would only lead to pain, no matter what it feels like now. It gave me something I needed, it was like an escape for both of us I guess, but now I am working on what made me seek that in the first place and trying to deal with issues around that.

 

I had to just walk away before it went too far. I am really struggling though and I know that email set me back a lot so I need to start healing all over again. Nothing has changed since then for me except the feelings for him haven't really gone away. Obviously he is seeing someone now so that changes everything on his side. Which is why I found it confusing that he would want to hear from me and say that he still thinks of me.

 

I suppose I just feel cruel or like a sulky child not acknowledging this email somehow, even though it was hurtful and obviously confusing. Everything I've read on here though says I am doing the right thing.

 

I just need to keep telling myself that, or have people on here remind me...

Edited May 19, 2011 by growingpains

[Owl]

So the bottom line is that you went NC to end the affair and protect your marriage?

 

OK.

 

Then resuming contact with him...in ANY fashion at all...is going to be contrary to your goal.

 

Assuming nothing has changed...there's no reason to respond to his email. His only purpose in sending the email was 'phishing'...to drag you back in.

 

Don't feel like you HAVE to respond. You don't.

 

What you should do is BLOCK him from sending you further email/IM/text/etc...

 

PREVENT him from contacting you again, and remove him from your contacts so that you can't give in when you feel weak and resume the affair.

 

Stick to your goal.

[growingpains]

Yes, that is the bottom line.

 

Thanks for that. I know that is all I can do. It does sound ridiculous that I am even questioning myself about it all.

 

I just need to drag myself out of this fantasy limbo-land and stick to my goal, as you said.

 

I should know all that myself, I DO know all that myself but the support on here really helps so thanks.

 

GP

[FightClub]

growingpains,

 

I'm very curious to hear how you started with the exOM, such as the circumstances surrounding your meeting, communication and connection with him.

 

Once you backtrack you can find in hindsight how it started, how you got there and where you are now.

 

I know from my own experience now looking back and since reading your posts, I believe at the time my exMW and I connected so strongly because we both wanted to be loved in a certain way & wanted someone to guide us in our journey at that time.

 

She was just finishing school and starting her career, so she was home more often studying & applying for high performance jobs and I was in a loveless relationship, broke that off, had surgery and was home more often so that allowed me to communicate with her, otherwise with my line of work I would not have had much time to talk.

 

I believe it all served a purpose and was necessary in some ways. Morally it was not right but I can't help but think in my heart that it happened for a reason.

 

Your exOM has/had feelings and I think you owe yourself a lot of credit for being strong enough to walk away for not just your sake but his as well. It takes a lot of strong character to walk away from something you hold dear to your heart, because you realize you might be walking away from something so incredible and you don't want to lose it.

 

Life is so unpredictable, what I can say is cherish the good memories, take the feelings & love you felt and let that propel you to make better choices for the future.

 

As you start to feel better you will progress further on your path and once you find the reasons for getting involved with exOM in the first place, you will begin to look inside yourself and use that experience with an open mind, you will find peace. Loving someone isn't wrong, but loving someone who is not available or for you to give yourself too will hurt everyone in the end.

 

Work on your marriage, at the very least you will know you gave it another shot, many times we have to see through thunderstorm to find a brighter day.

 

I have no doubt you made the right decisions and If it were me on the other end, I'd say you did the right thing.

 

Love yourself Growingpains, it's your greatest strength.

 

 

 

-FC

Edited May 19, 2011 by FightClub

[growingpains]

Thank you FightClub, your message has struck a chord, and truly moved me.

 

I really appreciate you sharing all of that. I can feel what you must have gone through. There are a lot of similarities there and I definitely understand and feel what you say about the type of connection and the wanting to be loved in a certain way.

 

I don't think I realised or expected that to happen at first but after our connection grew it became difficult to stop. It sounds silly saying it but we initially met online and I was just looking for what I then thought was a 'harmless' distraction. How wrong could I have been.

 

Everything you've said about it being morally wrong is so true but I too think it helps to think that it did happen for a reason. I know over those years he grew to trust and open up to me about some difficult issues he had and now he has dealt with them and is more confident as a result. I have had to look at my issues and situation and realise that escaping doesn't really solve anything in the long run.

 

I do find it very difficult to walk away from something that could have been so incredible, but I keep reminding myself that it is for the best and perhaps it is the fantasy that is the most incredible. I keep telling myself that anyway.

 

I will take those feelings and try to use them for something positive, that is a great way to look at it.

 

I never did get to really tell him how I truly felt about him. I hope he knows deep down, although maybe in one way it is best he doesn't. I do also hope that he realises why I had to just walk away this time, without saying too much.

 

You've been very strong yourself to get to where you are now, and the fact that you are able to use and share that experience to help me, and others, is a great thing and really appreciated.

 

GP

Edited May 19, 2011 by growingpains