I did the right thing. I just didn't go about it in the right way.

May 18, 2011

Golden you are 19. It would be great to have a really nice boyfriend etc etc etc but you dont TODAY. You know how in investments they say past performance is no indication of future performance? Well its the same in most all parts of life.

You are really smart, hardworking sensitive and no matter what your sister says I bet you are very pretty. Sometimes pretty girls who lack self esteeem dont feel pretty. And their posture isnt as good as it would be if they were confident and they dont present themselves in a way that shows just how beautiful they are on the outside and because they are shy, it takes people longer to learn how wonderful they are on the inside.

Years ago there was a stereotype in the movies of the shy librarian who took off her glasses, put on a party dress and suddenly she was the prettiest girl in the room. I suspect that is you. I dont know if you have ever seen the movie Funny Face with Audrey Hepburn but its one of those stories. You should rent it. She is very intellectual and works in a bookstore and they say she has a funny face but eventually everyone realizes she is a great beauty.

Your day will come. Keep doing well in school. It may not come today but it will and your sister may be jealous. She may be attractive to men and her greatest strength may be in attracting men but it doesnt mean that she is as smart and capable as you are.

You are working on your self esteem issues. Everything positive you do, every goal you acheive, whether or not your family praises you is a big accomplishment and something to be proud of regardless of whether you get the validation you deserve from your family.

You will find a wonderful man and your sister will eat her words.

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Trust me...I'm not even worried about having a boyfriend right now. My sister is the one who thinks it's "weird" that I don't. My brother & I get along pretty well & at times he's mentioned that he thinks my sister is jealous of me. He thinks she's jealous because I'm "smart", I graduated from high school (first in our family) & was also the first to attend college (recently finished my sophomore year) while she was a teen mom & never got to finish high school or go to college even though she claims it doesn't bother her at all. So, who knows?

May 18, 2011

I understand a lot better. I am 13 years older than my sister. I must admit I didn't start treating her as an adult(though she was married with a child) until she let me know in no uncertain terms she would not tolerate it anymore. You are the same age as my youngest and younger than my oldest(damn I am old:eek:). You have time. Just get comfortable with yourself. There is no rush for that. The slower you go, the stronger you get. It sounds like you have a good Dad who loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt.

Yeah. My whole family tends to treat me like a child even though at times I can be more mature than most of them.

My dad does love me & I love him very much as well. Problem is, he lacks communication skills. He's never willing to talk about something serious openly. He's always in denial about stuff.

May 18, 2011

Golden........someone pointed out that I was too harsh on you earlier. I've been cranky lately as I'm lacking sleep and I'm a menopausal woman who is having hot flashes from hell but that isn't an excuse so I'd like to apologize. I hope you accept.

I see some of myself in you when I was younger and I don't want you to make the mistakes I've made and end up where I am. 50 years old and just now starting therapy because I'm damn sick and tired of carrying all this crap and I have too many mistakes under my belt that maybe I could have prevented had I addressed things sooner.

Hon there is NO shame in seeking help and there is maturity in realizing that sometimes we can not do it on her own. There is strength and honor in taking care of yourself and not worrying too much about what someone else might think, even if they love you, you've got to love yourself more.

Do it, so you can live a peaceful happy confident life and so you will look back when you are my age and be proud of yourself.

BB07 there's NO need to apologize for anything. I know you mean well. I obviously don't know you personally but, you seem like a good person.

I understand what you're saying here. I really do...but, do you want to know what the ironic part here is? I'm currently in school studying psychology because I want to help others work their issues out yet, when it comes to my own personal issues, I have trouble seeking help.

May 18, 2011

GS,

NEVER let a man touch your body without your permission like that. Kissing you, pinching your cheek...what is that?

Maybe this is some cultural deal where you're from a culture that women have no power, and if abuse is happening to the daughter, it's up to the dad/brothers to do something about it?

Next time someone touches you like that, just bring your knee up hard into his groin area. When he is doubled over in pain he will think twice about trying to do it again.

I'm not sure if you read the link I posted up with this thread but, he wasn't doing any of this without my permission. Actually, the issue here is that I LET him do all of this despite the fact that he's much older than me, married and has kids & it only recently stopped.

May 18, 2011

Seems people have already hit you with the reality, so I won't jump into the fray and add to that - you already know.

What I *will* say is I am glad it ended where it did. You would surely have had many regrets had it not.

You're right SoMovinOn, whether people on this board believe it or not, I'm also glad it ended where it did. It went far enough & it's a good thing that it didn't go any further.

But, if you feel like there's more to add or something you want to say, go ahead. Don't hold back.

May 18, 2011

Thanks for your words of encouragement. Trust me...I'm not even worried about having a boyfriend right now. My sister is the one who thinks it's "weird" that I don't. My brother & I get along pretty well & at times he's mentioned that he thinks my sister is jealous of me. He thinks she's jealous because I'm "smart", I graduated from high school (first in our family) & was also the first to attend college (recently finished my sophomore year) while she was a teen mom & never got to finish high school or go to college even though she claims it doesn't bother her at all. So, who knows?

Its very likely she is jealous. Having a child is wonderful but having a child as a teen limits your options (to me I hope this doesnt start a war on your thread) as compared to having the opportunity to finish school and get your university degree and then have a child.

She may look at you and think of all the things that she missed because of the choices she made. You are wise not to have followed in her footsteps.

Im sure you are your family's pride and joy. The first to finish high school, the first to go to university. Those are huge acheivements. Your opportunities will be so much broader than those of your family. And Im sure you have them to thank for supporting you in making the right choices and studying hard. No wonder your father is so protective of you. He might never say it but most likely he doesnt want you to be a teen mother and wind up like your sister, even if she is a great mother and has great children.

You have already chosen a better path. Be proud of who you are and the choices you have made. You have a bright future ahead of you.

May 18, 2011

I believe all relationships are a lesson. It doesn't matter if you or your Dad ended it. I say you did, your 19 and didn't really have to listen to good old Dad.

Your still very young, reflect on what you learned and move on.

No big deal.. Good luck sweetie !!

May 21, 2011

This particular post isn't a reply to anything specific nor is it directed at anyone in particular but, I have something I want to share.

Yesterday, in the morning, I was up early and I looked out the window. I saw my dad checking the car's headlights because it was a cloudly, misty day and I guess he wanted to make sure they were both working well. As I am looking out the window, I see him (the guy) headed for his car which was parked about 10 feet away from my dad's car. I thought he was headed for his car but, instead he decides to approach my dad and my guess is ask him what was wrong with the car. Now, I know that it's usually common courtesy for people who own cars to try and help others out if they may be having some sort of car trouble but, considering the current circumstances, I found this kind of odd.

See, when I sent this guy the email asking him to leave me alone, I also told him about what my dad had seen and I explained that he didn't like it at all. After that, whenever he saw me (whether it was alone or with my dad) he kept his distance, barely made eye contact, said hello and kept on walking. His behavior was/is the same with my dad. He just said (or says) hello and keeps it moving. So, what I found odd here was that my dad kept telling me about how he doesn't like this guy anymore and I assumed that when this guy decided to keep his distance from me, that it would include keeping his distance from my dad too. Especially, since I mentioned that my dad wasn't happy about what he'd seen...yet he decided to approach him anyway. Their conversation was only literally about a minute long but, my initial thought was "Why the #### would you decide to approach my dad and talk to him, considering the circimstances?"

Maybe I'm just over-analyzing (which is possible since I'm usually pretty analytical about things) but, I was wondering...does anyone have any thoughts about this?

May 21, 2011

This particular post isn't a reply to anything specific nor is it directed at anyone in particular but, I have something I want to share.
Yesterday, in the morning, I was up early and I looked out the window. I saw my dad checking the car's headlights because it was a cloudly, misty day and I guess he wanted to make sure they were both working well. As I am looking out the window, I see him (the guy) headed for his car which was parked about 10 feet away from my dad's car. I thought he was headed for his car but, instead he decides to approach my dad and my guess is ask him what was wrong with the car. Now, I know that it's usually common courtesy for people who own cars to try and help others out if they may be having some sort of car trouble but, considering the current circumstances, I found this kind of odd.

See, when I sent this guy the email asking him to leave me alone, I also told him about what my dad had seen and I explained that he didn't like it at all. After that, whenever he saw me (whether it was alone or with my dad) he kept his distance, barely made eye contact, said hello and kept on walking. His behavior was/is the same with my dad. He just said (or says) hello and keeps it moving. So, what I found odd here was that my dad kept telling me about how he doesn't like this guy anymore and I assumed that when this guy decided to keep his distance from me, that it would include keeping his distance from my dad too. Especially, since I mentioned that my dad wasn't happy about what he'd seen...yet he decided to approach him anyway. Their conversation was only literally about a minute long but, my initial thought was "Why the #### would you decide to approach my dad and talk to him, considering the circimstances?"

Maybe I'm just over-analyzing (which is possible since I'm usually pretty analytical about things) but, I was wondering...does anyone have any thoughts about this?

GS, I'd bet the farm the only reason he approached your father, was so that he could say "see, I'm not such a bad guy" without actually having to say it. The thing that concerns me is that if he were your typical man, who made a very big inappropriate mistake, he would go out of his way to avoid the entire situation, including your father. The fact that he wants to be so "in your face" with it, makes me wonder if he's still plotting how to get what he wants, and if that is indeed the case, then you may yet have some work to do.

Also, I'm just blown away that his son, his 14 year old son asked him when he walked past you if he was still trying to "hit" that. OMG, that just makes me sick, sick I tell ya. No respectable person, let alone a childs own father would discuss their sexual wants with a 14 year old. Only sick people do this, people that have no boundries when it comes to appropriate and inappropriate behavior with children. You say this man knew you since your mid teens, and that once you became "legal" the attention started. It's not a huge jump to suspect that he had these exact thoughts back then, and didn't act on them then because he KNOWS it is illegal, and his ass would get locked up. I'm afraid you might be dealing with more then just a bored ego trippin MM. It is never appropriate to discuss sexual desires with a child, this screams at me, be very very careful. Never, and I mean never allow yourself to be alone with this man, find alternative routes to walk, switch it up so that your not predictable. The way you describe his behavior, things he said and done, seems extremely "regressive" to me, and child predators do that, they want to appear "childlike" so they are not viewed as a threat. I'm not trying to scare you, but that one statement from his son, sends up so many red flags, that it would be crazy to not act on the side of caution. Please, please be proactive with your safety, and just for the ****s and grins, do a search on child pedophillia, they come in all shapes and sizes, and many exist within the boundries of the "law", which in some ways are the worst kind. The fact you are 19 now, may not mean anything at all to someone who is sick, they have the image of you as a child engraved in their mind, so your still a child, just one they can't get locked up for. I'm sorry this is long, but it wouldn't sit right with me if I didn't say something. Just be careful, and be open with your dad about everything, and let him guide you when in doubt.

May 21, 2011

GS, I'd bet the farm the only reason he approached your father, was so that he could say "see, I'm not such a bad guy" without actually having to say it. The thing that concerns me is that if he were your typical man, who made a very big inappropriate mistake, he would go out of his way to avoid the entire situation, including your father. The fact that he wants to be so "in your face" with it, makes me wonder if he's still plotting how to get what he wants, and if that is indeed the case, then you may yet have some work to do.
Also, I'm just blown away that his son, his 14 year old son asked him when he walked past you if he was still trying to "hit" that. OMG, that just makes me sick, sick I tell ya. No respectable person, let alone a childs own father would discuss their sexual wants with a 14 year old. Only sick people do this, people that have no boundries when it comes to appropriate and inappropriate behavior with children. You say this man knew you since your mid teens, and that once you became "legal" the attention started. It's not a huge jump to suspect that he had these exact thoughts back then, and didn't act on them then because he KNOWS it is illegal, and his @#!*% would get locked up. I'm afraid you might be dealing with more then just a bored ego trippin MM. It is never appropriate to discuss sexual desires with a child, this screams at me, be very very careful. Never, and I mean never allow yourself to be alone with this man, find alternative routes to walk, switch it up so that your not predictable. The way you describe his behavior, things he said and done, seems extremely "regressive" to me, and child predators do that, they want to appear "childlike" so they are not viewed as a threat. I'm not trying to scare you, but that one statement from his son, sends up so many red flags, that it would be crazy to not act on the side of caution. Please, please be proactive with your safety, and just for the ****s and grins, do a search on child pedophillia, they come in all shapes and sizes, and many exist within the boundries of the "law", which in some ways are the worst kind. The fact you are 19 now, may not mean anything at all to someone who is sick, they have the image of you as a child engraved in their mind, so your still a child, just one they can't get locked up for. I'm sorry this is long, but it wouldn't sit right with me if I didn't say something. Just be careful, and be open with your dad about everything, and let him guide you when in doubt.

I agree with Fieldflower. This guy is a predator. Recognize him for what he is. Take measures to stay away/protect yourself.

Have you bought the book, "Women Who Love Psychopaths"? No? It's $30, and that's hundreds of dollars less than what a therapist costs. Educate yourself and save yourself unnecessary time and pain. If you're not inclined to do this, then understand that life will be a harsher teacher. Passivity is still a choice, not an excuse.

In the end, taking care of yourself is your responsibility, not your Dad's responsibility. You're not a waif. You're an adult.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I was just like you at 19 and things turned out very differently for me. I'm nearly 50 and still dealing with the fallout. I didn't have parents to protect me, and my predator knew that. You do. You're lucky. You're getting lots of great advice here. No need to over analyze this. Do something.

May 21, 2011

GS, I'd bet the farm the only reason he approached your father, was so that he could say "see, I'm not such a bad guy" without actually having to say it. The thing that concerns me is that if he were your typical man, who made a very big inappropriate mistake, he would go out of his way to avoid the entire situation, including your father. The fact that he wants to be so "in your face" with it, makes me wonder if he's still plotting how to get what he wants, and if that is indeed the case, then you may yet have some work to do.
Also, I'm just blown away that his son, his 14 year old son asked him when he walked past you if he was still trying to "hit" that. OMG, that just makes me sick, sick I tell ya. No respectable person, let alone a childs own father would discuss their sexual wants with a 14 year old. Only sick people do this, people that have no boundries when it comes to appropriate and inappropriate behavior with children. You say this man knew you since your mid teens, and that once you became "legal" the attention started. It's not a huge jump to suspect that he had these exact thoughts back then, and didn't act on them then because he KNOWS it is illegal, and his ass would get locked up. I'm afraid you might be dealing with more then just a bored ego trippin MM. It is never appropriate to discuss sexual desires with a child, this screams at me, be very very careful. Never, and I mean never allow yourself to be alone with this man, find alternative routes to walk, switch it up so that your not predictable. The way you describe his behavior, things he said and done, seems extremely "regressive" to me, and child predators do that, they want to appear "childlike" so they are not viewed as a threat. I'm not trying to scare you, but that one statement from his son, sends up so many red flags, that it would be crazy to not act on the side of caution. Please, please be proactive with your safety, and just for the ****s and grins, do a search on child pedophillia, they come in all shapes and sizes, and many exist within the boundries of the "law", which in some ways are the worst kind. The fact you are 19 now, may not mean anything at all to someone who is sick, they have the image of you as a child engraved in their mind, so your still a child, just one they can't get locked up for. I'm sorry this is long, but it wouldn't sit right with me if I didn't say something. Just be careful, and be open with your dad about everything, and let him guide you when in doubt.

FieldFlower, I agree with you. When I heard his son make that comment my initial thought was "He told his 14 year old son? Who the #### does that?!" and I just became uncomfortable. I know that fathers and sons may sometimes share their opinions on who they find attractive and/or may be interested in, but, that usually happens when the son is older. The other thing that bothered me was that when I heard this comment/question, the kid asked it as if was nothing. He asked the question as if he were merely asking "So, what are we having for lunch today?" which made me wonder how this kid is being raised at home. I know that the mentality of a 14 year old isn't as developed as that of an adult but, I couldn't help but wonder: "Wouldn't any other kid be bothered (as in pissed off or hurt) by the fact that their father is willing and actually trying to cheat on his mother? Not to mention, going after someone much younger than him?" But, that's besides the point in this case.

And don't worry, you're not scaring me, I know you're just being honest. The reason why I decided to post this particular update about how he approached my dad the other day was because when I saw it, it made me raise an eyebrow. I had a feeling in my gut that something just wasn't right about that and then I proceeded to make the same guess as you did. I couldn't believe that after all that had, had happened he still decided to approach my father. The good thing is that I haven't come into contact with him lately and I don't plan to either. Thanks for your input and just so, you know your post on this thread could've been pages long and I still would've read the whole thing.

May 21, 2011

I agree with Fieldflower. This guy is a predator. Recognize him for what he is. Take measures to stay away/protect yourself.

Have you bought the book, "Women Who Love Psychopaths"? No? It's $30, and that's hundreds of dollars less than what a therapist costs. Educate yourself and save yourself unnecessary time and pain. If you're not inclined to do this, then understand that life will be a harsher teacher. Passivity is still a choice, not an excuse.

In the end, taking care of yourself is your responsibility, not your Dad's responsibility. You're not a waif. You're an adult.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I was just like you at 19 and things turned out very differently for me. I'm nearly 50 and still dealing with the fallout. I didn't have parents to protect me, and my predator knew that. You do. You're lucky. You're getting lots of great advice here. No need to over analyze this. Do something.

Breezy Trousers, I haven't bought the book yet but, I looked it up (it's by Sandra L. Brown, isn't it?) and it really does seem like an intriguing, eye-opening book. I've added it to the list of books that I want to purchase to read this summer. Most of which have a psychological approach to them.

Don't apologize for sounding harsh because you don't. I know that you're just trying to help and want me to keep myself from making one of the biggest and stupidest decisions/mistakes of my life. I know it's my responsibility (and not my dad's) to care of myself. I know I have intellect and a pretty good intuition (that seems to be right most of the time), I just need to stop letting something stupid like my low self-esteem get in the way and stop me from doing what is best for ME.

May 21, 2011

FieldFlower, I agree with you. When I heard his son make that comment my initial thought was "He told his 14 year old son? Who the #### does that?!" and I just became uncomfortable. I know that fathers and sons may sometimes share their opinions on who they find attractive and/or may be interested in, but, that usually happens when the son is older. The other thing that bothered me was that when I heard this comment/question, the kid asked it as if was nothing. He asked the question as if he were merely asking "So, what are we having for lunch today?" which made me wonder how this kid is being raised at home. I know that the mentality of a 14 year old isn't as developed as that of an adult but, I couldn't help but wonder: "Wouldn't any other kid be bothered (as in pissed off or hurt) by the fact that their father is willing and actually trying to cheat on his mother? Not to mention, going after someone much younger than him?" But, that's besides the point in this case.

And don't worry, you're not scaring me, I know you're just being honest. The reason why I decided to post this particular update about how he approached my dad the other day was because when I saw it, it made me raise an eyebrow. I had a feeling in my gut that something just wasn't right about that and then I proceeded to make the same guess as you did. I couldn't believe that after all that had, had happened he still decided to approach my father. The good thing is that I haven't come into contact with him lately and I don't plan to either. Thanks for your input and just so, you know your post on this thread could've been pages long and I still would've read the whole thing.

GS, I'm so glad that your seeing with your real eyes (you know the ones that are inside our heads), and reading the situation, and realizing that something is definetly off. You are 100% correct, no decent man/father or any adult for that matter should be having conversations that involve sexual needs, wants or fantasy's with a child. The very fact that his son made that statement confirms that this is in fact what has happened. You are also correct that for the son to say this and not be somehow hurt by the betrayal of his mother is eye raising to say the least. I would venture to say that this kind of inappropriate behavor is the "norm" within this family, and there really is nothing for the child to be upset/shocked about if this has been a part of his raising. I just don't really know what to say about that, other then it's some seriously effed up stuff, and you need to be completely away from all of it. He is just gross, and I'm glad your seeing that now. Real sicko.

Also, I had real low self-esteem growing up too. Most of it was that I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Always, had those "friends" that made sure I never felt good about myself. It didn't even occur to me until I was in my late 20's that...I'm just as pretty as all of them, if not more. Jealousy is a vile emotion, it causes people to say and act in extremely hurtful ways. You should really look at why you feel so down on yourself, and I bet it's because you actually believe things that were said to you, by people who make themselves out to be better, by simply putting you down. I find it amazing that any girl has any self esteem after high school. Kids can be cruel, especially teenage girls. Meow...lol

Boyfriend? Yeah, whatever, your 19, and don't need one of those, what you need is to have fun, enjoy your youth, your freedom. Think about when your 40, how do you want to look back at your life. Once you settle down into a life of responsibilies, relationships, children, etc...finding real time to slow down and actually do things for yourself, will come in small bouts, so live and let live now.

May 22, 2011

GS, I'm so glad that your seeing with your real eyes (you know the ones that are inside our heads), and reading the situation, and realizing that something is definetly off. You are 100% correct, no decent man/father or any adult for that matter should be having conversations that involve sexual needs, wants or fantasy's with a child. The very fact that his son made that statement confirms that this is in fact what has happened. You are also correct that for the son to say this and not be somehow hurt by the betrayal of his mother is eye raising to say the least. I would venture to say that this kind of inappropriate behavor is the "norm" within this family, and there really is nothing for the child to be upset/shocked about if this has been a part of his raising. I just don't really know what to say about that, other then it's some seriously effed up stuff, and you need to be completely away from all of it. He is just gross, and I'm glad your seeing that now. Real sicko.

Also, I had real low self-esteem growing up too. Most of it was that I never felt comfortable in my own skin. Always, had those "friends" that made sure I never felt good about myself. It didn't even occur to me until I was in my late 20's that...I'm just as pretty as all of them, if not more. Jealousy is a vile emotion, it causes people to say and act in extremely hurtful ways. You should really look at why you feel so down on yourself, and I bet it's because you actually believe things that were said to you, by people who make themselves out to be better, by simply putting you down. I find it amazing that any girl has any self esteem after high school. Kids can be cruel, especially teenage girls. Meow...lol

Boyfriend? Yeah, whatever, your 19, and don't need one of those, what you need is to have fun, enjoy your youth, your freedom. Think about when your 40, how do you want to look back at your life. Once you settle down into a life of responsibilies, relationships, children, etc...finding real time to slow down and actually do things for yourself, will come in small bouts, so live and let live now.

FieldFlower, I guess you can say I had a feeling that something was off from the very beginning...I just let my stupid issues cloud my good judgement.

As for the self-esteem stuff, I don't know exactly how much of this thread you have read but, in my case it isn't neccessarily my "friends" who try to put me down. In my case, it's my own family who can cause me to feel bad about myself.

And believe me, at this point I'm not even worried about whether I have a boyfriend or not. That's one of the last things I'm currently preoccupied with. Lately, my main focus has been and still is...school. I want to make sure I graduate on time and that I'm able to go to grad school.

May 23, 2011

Goldensilence, in regards to your last update, I'd have to agree with one of the previous posters who said that when this guy approached your dad, it could've been an attempt to show that he's "not that bad". It's almost as if he thinks that if he does something "nice" or "helpful" your dad will start to see him in a different light then he currently has been. And based on, what you've stated before...it's again as the previous poster stated, making me wonder whether maybe just maybe he's still plotting to get what he wants. In other words, is this part of his plan to get to you?

Let us know about any updates you may have and remember, when in doubt, trust your instincts, kiddo. They seem to work pretty well.

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