happiness0421 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I am interested in knowing if anyone out there has been stalked/bothered/whatever you want to call it by the ex that broke up with you. I want to know if I am the only one that has been in this situation (which I doubt, but it'd be good to hear others with similar stories!) My ex broke up with me a month and a half ago - via text message, nonetheless. I practiced LC (NC after 2 weeks) while he proceeded to reach out to me almost every single day after the breakup for an entire month. At least one thing almost every day: text(s), phone calls, emails, Facebook messages, voicemails...all saying basically the same thing: "I miss you" "I need to talk to you" "It is very important that you contact me" "I want to explain why I freaked out" I finally blocked him 2 weeks ago because I just couldn't deal with it any longer; however, the effects of all of this crap are still lingering on me (even though I know I made the right decision by not responding to him). I really think the reason he was reaching out was guilt: he felt bad for doing what he did to me, and was fishing for a way to turn this around and make it into MY fault so that he could not feel guilty anymore. Does that make sense?? Any stories/advice would be appreciated. Thanks all
giuliano-3 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Yes, very similar stuff with my ex. I'm convinced she was trying to assuage her guilt more than anything. Although (we did talk for 5 months straight afterwards) there were times she would bring things up which indirectly were excuses for her actions, I don't think she ever tried to blame me as much as the situation we were in at the time she did what she did. You were probably right to avoid all contact. I made the mistake of being drawn back into the web. I also know for a fact that she was e-stalking me on facebook despite my unfriending of her back in January. When I blocked her last week I got the first text message from her in four months. I know guilt is the main emotion she feels regarding everything with us, so I felt like I should write a small letter stating that there would be no contact for the forseeable future and that I forgave her for everything. My hope being that by addressing her guilt and the fact that I've moved on with my life she'll be able to finally let go as well. Its part of the process I think, sometimes both exes are still stuck - sometimes the one who did the wronging is the one who has the worst lingering side effects. When the wrongee truly forgives the one who wronged (no easy feat) then actual progress can be made. Or so says me.
Author happiness0421 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Giuliano - thanks for your post. I think you are right about both exes still being "stuck" - maybe that is what I am feeling right now. I commend you for writing that letter and forgiving her. I wrote him a letter a week after we broke up saying that I basically understood why everything happened the way that it did. I was very sincere about it, but all I think it did for him was pile on more guilt - and that's why he kept reaching out even after the relationship was obviously over. It's just a very confusing situation for me, because I (as I believe you are too) am a very sincere, open and honest person. I would NEVER just disappear on someone that I "loved" or not talk to them for days on end, or - as was in my case - break up with them electronically (text and Facebook). I don't care if I dated someone for two weeks or ten years, I believe that they deserve an in-person breakup...I mean, isn't that the least you can give to someone whose heart you are about to break? Geez. I suppose it just means that there is someone out there better for us, but it's a heck of a process in the meantime!
Sugarkane Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Yeah I did have an ex do this quite recently to me. He contacted me a few times. He'd phone me late at night aswell. I ignored it but curiosity eventually got the better of me I guess. At first he was really polite. He promised that things would be different between us. He wanted to know everything that I'd been up too, especially if I'd slept with anyone. He seemed really keen on meeting me. He apologised again [probably for the 50th time]. But a month past and he still hadn't bothered to even meet up with me. He kept making up excuses he was either too busy or broke plans- again. He really had no excuses this time, he had his licence back [long story] and just bought a fancy new car. I told him I couldn't take it anymore. He was all talk and no action. Either meet me or not, I've got my own things to do and can't wait around forever for him to make up his mind. He cracked it and told me where to shove it. Then he told me that I was a nutjob and that I needed help [how do I attract these assclowns?]. So i went complete NC again from that day on. I don't need yet another ex insulting me again and trying to get an ego boost. I regret even answering his message. But I wasn't sure if he was being truthful or not. I deleted his number and all messages. I think I should actually change my number aswell. I don't need this assclown phoning me at midnight begging me to come over staright away. I'm so happy that I never met up with him after all. Absolutely nothing had changed even though its been over 6 months since that breakup.
Sugarkane Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I mean this ex of mine wanted to be single in the first place. Not me. So I gave him what he wanted. And then he wanted his cake and eat it too. He also said that he still wasn't sure about us, even though we'd been spilt for over 6 months. I told him that "I'm not sure" just isn't good enough.
Sugarkane Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I always go full NC and for someone reason this ex doesn't like that. And always tries and contacts me sporadically to see what I'm up too.
Author happiness0421 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Hi Sugarkane - I agree with you, I think it is an attempt at an ego boost from our exes. They need to feel better about themselves and are trying to rid themselves of that guilt by continuing to reach out and contact us. They won't commit (the whole "I'm not sure" crap), but they also don't want to see you out having fun with anyone else or getting intimate with another person. Puh-leeez. You are the one that decided I wasn't worth your time, so leave me the h*ll alone!!
dng Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Oh wonderful. I had that just recently. She left on a break with no explanations. It was really hard to cope with this and she kept telling me to not worry about anything. She also cancelled our vacation plans so I ended up with 3 weeks off and nothing to do. I took off on my bike and stayed in an hotel as far away as I could. As soon as she saw pictures of me on Facebook at some known vacation town, she called me up and asked me to come back because we had to talk about getting back together, so I drove back to my town and... She wasnt there when I got home. Wouldnt give me back my keys, keep telling me her new keys were in the mail.. Then a few weeks later she called me and told me it was over and hung up. She was even yelling at me, as I recall. Said something like "At least I had the decency to tell you". Ok. Then nothing for a few weeks, and then she called and texted and emailed obsessively for months. All "I miss you", "I made the worst mistake of my life", "I want to see you", "I'm moving back in", etc. I caved in a bunch of times too, probably more times than I'm willing to admit (its likely 5 or 6 times), accepted to see her, and she never showed up, came up with the strangest reasons and explanations. Sometimes I would hear a guy in the background, it was her cousin (but it really wasnt as I learned later) or this or that, or her mom was coming over, or a friend.. With time it took her more and more and more to get me on the line, get an answer or get me to believe anything she's say or agree to anything she'd propose. That lasted until I realized I absolutely had to get her off my back if I was ever going to stop feeling so dead inside and I did some pretty hardcore things to make it so. Overall it was 7 or 8 months of this. My advice. Ignore everything. This has made me become much stronger in general, tho. I would never fall for these games again, now that I know. Any future relationship with her has been collaterally damaged. I like to think that I stayed available for her, I picked up those calls and I gave her what she wanted, so now I dont owe her anything and I will never be her friend. Edited May 18, 2011 by dng
Sugarkane Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 My advice. Ignore everything. I like to think that I stayed available for her, I picked up those calls and I gave her what she wanted, so now I dont owe her anything and I will never be her friend. The best advice you can give someone who is also going through this.
Sugarkane Posted May 21, 2011 Posted May 21, 2011 I don't know why dumeprs go crazy after a breakup. It was tehir decision tobreakup in the first place. They're already over it and knew that the breakup was going to happen.
Author happiness0421 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Posted May 23, 2011 Dng - Interesting story. I don't understand why your ex kept reaching out, especially when you learned later that they were seeing someone else. It doesn't make any sense to me. But then again, I'm done trying to figure out WHY my ex kept bothering me and why it didn't make sense. It's over, done; I'm never going back. But it does still get to me - even though I got closure from him, the continous bugging even AFTER the closure came just messed me up even more. (Maybe that was the aim...)
dng Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 (edited) Dng - Interesting story. I don't understand why your ex kept reaching out, especially when you learned later that they were seeing someone else. It doesn't make any sense to me. I'm not sure either. Things got really messed up and very charged emotionally, at least for me. She had made plans with me, this was going to be a break for her to find herself again but then everything unraveled pretty quickly. She told me she'd be over during the week and stay at her new home on the weekends but I almost never saw her again once she took what she wanted from our place. Everything kept changing and absolutely everything was my fault. I let her leave too easily, i wasn't pursuing her. She even told me I should have found out where her new place was and show up with flowers. She said she probably would have been with the guy but she would have asked him to leave and we would have gotten back together. She repeated that one more than once, so basically she told me I should have stalked her and then walked into a highly charged and potentially violent situation. She said all the right things (make worst mistake) but never acted on it, that helped me realize what was going on but it was very painful for many long months. I really wanted to believe. Its easy to say "You did it to yourself" and to some extent, it's true. But that's discounting all the crazy making behaviors I was exposed to, the constant change of minds, the mood swings, the denials. Constant attacks on my sense of reality. Whenever she misbehaved, she would flip it on me - her behavior is normal, my reaction isn't. She tried her best to make sure I would stay around if her plans didnt work out. No, I dont know for sure what her plans were. She is very beautiful by any standards and extremely charming, she knows all my weaknesses and played me like a piano. My therapist says that I have to stop trying to rationalize her because she is not stable, that's probably the best way to look at it. I know from experience she will rather lie than admit to anything, even if its of little importance and there's been so much of that, my position is probably akin to the Allegory of the Cave. The only information about what was going on came from her, she made damn sure I couldnt talk to any of her friends or family. I have so many, many missing pieces and its impossible for me to rationalize and understand what really happened but I think she got herself stuck in some situation that she couldn't navigate, and ultimately realized she couldn't admit to what she did (I wouldnt take her back for sure and she knew it) and she couldn't lie about it forever (I was onto her bull****, as usual), and she didn't want to deal with the consequences, so she tried to keep it alive as long as she could to get some support from me and to get over it. As she wrote to me, she surrounded herself with tons of people and didn't want to regret anything (mind you, she left on a break and here she is admitting she was leaving), buried her emotions but ended up regretting tons of things. Her last communication was to inform me I would one day regret that I refused to keep in touch. As far as I'm concerned, I already regret taking her back after I left her 5 years ago, and she can burn in hell for all I care, I won't be there to save her yet again and again and again. And again. I'm looking at many more months of therapy just to stop feeling the guilt I feel tared in over her leaving me. The end. Edited May 24, 2011 by dng
Sugarkane Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 Everything kept changing and absolutely everything was my fault. . Whenever she misbehaved, she would flip it on me - her behavior is normal, my reaction isn't. She is very beautiful by any standards and extremely charming, she knows all my weaknesses and played me like a piano. I know from experience she will rather lie than admit to anything, even if its of little importance and there's been so much of that, my position is probably akin to the Allegory of the Cave. The only information about what was going on came from her, she made damn sure I couldnt talk to any of her friends or family. The end. I read this and these parts are exactly what my ex, the one that brought me here did to me. I can 100% relate to that.
IfiKnewThen Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 the one who did the wronging is the one who has the worst lingering side effects. When the wrongee truly forgives the one who wronged (no easy feat) then actual progress can be made. Or so says me. this is so true. makes so much sense
J0N Posted May 24, 2011 Posted May 24, 2011 I know that this doesn't really contribute anything to this thread, but I have not heard one peep from my ex in 7 months...
Sugarkane Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 I know that this doesn't really contribute anything to this thread, but I have not heard one peep from my ex in 7 months... Be careful what you wish for. If they do, alot of them just want an ego boost. After my ex sent me nothing but breadcrumbs and lies, I wish I could now punch him in the face.
MidnightinMadrid Posted May 25, 2011 Posted May 25, 2011 Its interesting that all of you have heard from your exes,most of the time when dumpees or the lovelorn posts a thread is bc they havent heard from their exes. Dng's story of this flaky ex of his is splash of reality that its all about games. The girl keeeps stalking him and then never shows up when they are supposed to meet? Thats plain playing childish games-and doesnt mean anything. Meanwhile I may go NC none of the exes would give a hoot anyway.
HT711 Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 My ex (the reason I'm here also) maintained the same level of contact and intimacy as before she asked me for space. I even told her I couldnt keep it up if she didn't want a relationship and she flipped out crying and telling me she loved me and needed me in her life. She almost reconciled to the point of asking to come stay with till she met her new boyfriend who shes moved in with in less then a month. She still messages me sometimes, and when I removed her from facebook last week she sent me a angry text....... I don't get it either.
Sugarkane Posted May 26, 2011 Posted May 26, 2011 Its interesting that all of you have heard from your exes,most of the time when dumpees or the lovelorn posts a thread is bc they havent heard from their exes. Dng's story of this flaky ex of his is splash of reality that its all about games. The girl keeeps stalking him and then never shows up when they are supposed to meet? Thats plain playing childish games-and doesnt mean anything. Meanwhile I may go NC none of the exes would give a hoot anyway. Only one of my exes has contacted me. The other one has never once contacted me.
Recommended Posts