A question for all women married to a (much) older guy

May 21, 2011

Well, I'm not married (never had been). But, I'm in a bit of a pickle... that is being extremely attracted to a man that 20 years older than me (maybe 20+, I'm not sure about their age). I don't know that I would actually date an older man, but I have my reasons for being attracted to him & none of them have to do w/ what he has. He just happens to be a funny, intelligent man. Of course, he often makes derogatory comments about his intelligence & his looks (even though he's not flabby. lol), so apparently he must feel that it's true (which is kind of a turn off), or they're just bad jokes. I could sit here & explain to you until I'm blue in the face but you probably still wouldn't understand unless you were a woman.

May 21, 2011

I guess your bf/ex/whatever??? is a poor man, then?

No. I was referring to you.

I'd be willing to bet that ruby made mention of money bc it has been brought up several times in this thread by several different men, yourself included once, lumping women in relationships with older men as golddiggers (start with post 2) or women primarily in it because of financial reasons.

By now we have about 4 or 5 completely different scenarios than the straight golddigger or women just in it for financial security. That was the point ruby tried to make, that she holds hers own financially next to a 6 figure man...sure money is great, but she doesn't need him to have it, and, oh yeah, the big thing some men can't seem to wrap their brains around...they love each other for other reasons besides and more important than money!!!!!!!

May 21, 2011

Well you tried to bait/insult me. It didn't work!

Actually, I was just calling it like I see it. And that was how I saw you.

Obviously if you were in a relationship/non-relationship with a poor man, you
would be crowing about it here, since that would "refute" the "golddigger [your
term, not mine]" issue.

You have no idea of my history on this site, obviously.

I joined this site back in 2009 and have been reading and occasionally sharing my life in an effort to learn more about myself, others, and help make myself a better person--which I do my best, but I'll be the first to admit I am not perfect.

I really am grateful to some of the amazing posters here on LS. Ones who see life without skewed lenses. They are able to to pull back and see the bigger picture, and sometimes even bringing down false or outdated ideas. It makes things feel a little better, more hopeful, even if just for a while.

I wouldn't consider you one of them.

No, not "just in it." But...a big consideration? A primary consideration?
Of course it is. Until proven otherwise, and we don't have a single
counterexample in this thread, yet. Just big time denial, misandry, and
evasion.

To you.

Other people put more priority on other characteristics besides how much loot he is bringing in.

I could try to argue that men only want to marry beautiful women. Because looks are a primary factor in a man's consideration. Only the beautiful are good candidates for marriage. Ugly or average women are just washed up, they will never get married because men only marry for looks.

Wait. That would be a gross exaggeration of the truth, now wouldn't it?

And the women who are not self-sufficient? Why is it of any note for a woman to
claim she is "self sufficient" in the first place?

Because you like to argue that a woman's primary consideration is money. Why should she care primarily about his wealth? What's the premise behind this arguement?

This is, in effect, making it seem as though him making more money or being the bread winner is paramount to a woman's survival. As if saying if he doesn't make millions, or if she doesn't have him to feed off she will wither and die penniless wearing potato sacks, living in an alley.

Ruby proves otherwise. His money to her only is a by-product of his life's work, not a survival tool that she based her decision to be with him. She is finanacially fit with or without him.

People consider money, social class, education, appearance, beliefs, upbringing, etc, etc.--people meaning men and women. But some people won't base their decision primarily on any ONE factor.

Edited May 21, 2011 by starryeyed12

May 21, 2011

Hobbies, outlooks...

He has a fantastic body and can keep up with me in workouts

He is driven, hard working, RELIABLE, protective, INTELLIGENT, confident, devoted, giving, helpful, energetic...

I could list forever and not quite get it because the point is he is HIM.

Sure, (reading above posts) he makes good money, but the only good thing about that is the qualities that lead him to be able to reach that position. I've dated plenty of younger guys who make very good money who's income was only increasing. Money is easy to find.

Love isn't.

And I wouldn't throw it away because a couple decades of difference.

There's not much practical difference. The only negative thing about it is the reactions when there is a noticeable age difference. But that's not our fault.

My husband is the only one on the planet I would ever want to be with. If we were penniless and even if the age came to be an issue, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.

Edited May 21, 2011 by TinaniT

May 22, 2011

No, you clearly attempted to gratuitously insult me. I forgive you, though.

No need to "forgive" me because I didn't apologize.

(as you said, he's your "man") who happens to be older than you, an ex bf of some kind that you still are involved with. But not someone you are willing to call a boyfriend, or a relationship of any note.

Actually, to correct you, I can't stand labels. For me it puts a lot of pressure on things, and that's just an issue I have. I'll call him or us whatever the hell I want. I know where we stand and I know how I feel, and that's all that matters to me.

I will be sure to put your glowing endorsement in my autobiography.

Be sure to include the other appreciative members while you're at it.

As for your 'who?' question, try re-reading this thread.

physical attractiveness is appealing to both genders.

So is having money.

I'm not sure your point?

My point is that it's easy to come up with misleading, sweeping generalizations. People pull them out of their a** all the time, especially when it suits their arguement.

Clearly untrue because ugly or average women can marry ugly or average men. And frequently do exactly that.

You live in a very well balanced society where everyone fits neatly into little boxes, so you can label them and then think you know everything about everyone, huh?

I see men who are better looking than their wives all the time.

Some men get even more handsome with age (like my man:love:) .

Some women marry less attractive guys who aren't millionares because maybe they were HS sweet hearts or maybe because he's the first guy who didn't treat her like a sex object, or maybe because she was a late bloomer and only became pretty in her late 20s, or maybe because he's a great person and they have great sex, or maybe because he will be a great father and she is a working woman...........WHATEVER the reason, it happens.

My point was to draw an anaolgy:

Men saying wealth is the primary factor for women chosing a man

can be as misleading as,

Women saying looks are the primary factor for men choosing a woman.

Men and women choose to marry for a variety of different reason and the primary reasons are different for each case. Sometimes the primary reasons why people get married are the wrong ones....clearly (divorce rates?).

Nesting instinct. The biological drive to mate and have children causes the female of the species to prefer males with greater tangible resources as well as physical attractiveness, which equates to a greater likelihood of raising healthier offspring.

What if she is extremely physically attracted and has great chemistry with a man of lesser tangible resources and they fall in love?

For millions of years, it has been exactly that way

Yet men making lesser money than their wives is on the rise, stay at home daddys, women having children outside of their 20s, men being allowed to have feelings (joke from another thread)!!

Sounds like to me, the times, they are a changin'.

Edited May 22, 2011 by starryeyed12

May 22, 2011

Lol, a broke older man is less attractive than a broke young man.

Women want older men for 'stability' that means financially because an older man is generally wealthier and emotionally because an older man is more appreciative of having a young woman.

If you read the two responses frome the women who have married younger men, you will see that this most definately not the truth.

May 22, 2011

You called him your "man" in an earlier post in this thread. You also specified that he was neither your bf nor your ex. Sounds like an f-buddy or fwb relationship to me (if you're having sex with him that is). If not he's just a platonic friend.

Man is not a society label.

In any event please look at the thread title, which specifically asked why some women MARRY much older men. You're not married, you're not in a common law/live in relationship...so your particular whatever-it-is with your man isn't pertinent to the thread discussion.

Oh, shoot. Ok, I guess I can't have an opinion unless it fits the label of the thread.

You and your obsession with labels!! No wonder you have such a hard time thinking outside of the box!! And no wonder you're so insecure with money issues and men with younger women. It's gotta be hard, and a lot of pressure to live within a box, especially when you have to defend it against those you're secretly jealous of, living outside of it.

My man and I looked at engagement rings last year at an antique shop (he couldn't afford the ring), we talked extensively about getting married, I've talked about it with my parents, family and friends, and so has he. I've had a lot of issues with this him being poor because it's tough to be poor in a material obsessed society, but I am still with him because I love him and at this moment I don't care about what other people tell me to think.

No, you should re-read it. The thread subject wants to discuss why women get MARRIED to much older men.

OHHH my bad. Here I thought you were a MAN!

I didn't know you were a younger woman married to an older man!!

You are free never to generalize if you don't think it's appropriate.

Are you implying that the society in which you live, is NOT "well balanced"? Why do you feel "not well balanced" society is superior to a "well balanced" society?

Also, I didn't "label" anyone. You labeled the guy you are having sex with periodically as your "man." You did not indicate that you have any intention of ever marrying this man nor even a serious commitment to him, in fact, you implied the opposite. Therefore it's simply not relevant to the question being asked by the original poster.

So? Each gender prefers the most attractive available mate, and physical appearance is part of what makes someone "attractive" to other people.

That's fine, and if you actually had any intention of ever getting married to him, your observation might be relevant to this thread. ("My man" is a label, isn't it? I thought you didn't like labels.)

Each gender, when it is ready to "settle down" or make a commitment, be that marriage or a long term r of some kind, seeks the most attractive mate, attractiveness being measured along multiple dimensions. It's kind of ridiculous for you to argue otherwise.

Except your analogy doesn't disprove the point, it reinforces it. Men DO have a strong preference to select women using physical attractiveness as a primary issue.

Listen, try to stick on topic. The women who marry much older men, unless they have daddy issues, don't do it BECAUSE the men are older. They do it IN SPITE of the age differential--because the older man has other attributes which more than compensate for the age differential. How many married women responding to this thread, who married a much older man, married an older man who was ugly and poor?

Fine. No one said physical attractiveness is irrelevant to women; quite the opposite.

That's nice. How many much younger women marry much older men who are poor, ugly, stay-at-home dads? Darn few I would imagine.

Is your man ugly? No. Is your man poor? No. You didn't decide to continue having sex with him because he's older than you--unless you have daddy issues. You decided to keep having sex with him because his other characteristics more than compensate for the age differential.

But you're still not married to him.

May 22, 2011

In any event please look at the thread title, which specifically asked why some women MARRY much older men. You're not married, you're not in a common law/live in relationship...so your particular whatever-it-is with your man isn't pertinent to the thread discussion.

Oh, shoot I guess that means I shouldn't voice my story and thoughts since I don't exactly fit in the label of the thread.

What is your obsession with labels??

No wonder its so hard for you to understand why some women have other primary reasons for marrying besides money. It's hard for you to think outside the box.

No, you should re-read it. The thread subject wants to discuss why women get MARRIED to much older men.

Oh.

This whole time I thought you were a man! Silly me. I didn't realize you were a woman married to a much older man!!!

:rolleyes:

If you are a man then I guess you shouldn't be talking on this thread.

Are you implying that the society in which you live, is NOT "well balanced"? Why do you feel "not well balanced" society is superior to a "well balanced" society?

I'm saying that life doesn't always fit cleanly into your scientific theory you mentioned earlier. Some people are walking, talking examples of the opposite of this theory....and have damn successful lives.

This is just life. There have always been people who live and think outside of the box of scientific theories. And thank God for some of them!! We'd still think the eart was flat, because scientists of the time said so. I picture you being one of those defending the theory that it was flat.

Each gender, when it is ready to "settle down" or make a commitment, be that marriage or a long term r of some kind, seeks the most attractive mate, attractiveness being measured along multiple dimensions. It's kind of ridiculous for you to argue otherwise.

There we go! We finally can agree.

Except your analogy doesn't disprove the point, it reinforces it. Men DO have a strong preference to select women using physical attractiveness as a primary issue.

Not all men marry for looks.

They do it IN SPITE of the age differential--because the older man has other attributes

Yes, they marry because the man has other attributes that are important to them besides age or even money that they are compatable with. For more on those reasons/attributes read this thread.

Fine. No one said physical attractiveness is irrelevant to women; quite the opposite.

You didn't answer the question. What should the woman do if both her and the man are extremely attracted to one another, yet he doesn't have the tangible resources, as you put it? They are in love to boot. What should they do?

That's nice. How many much younger women marry much older men who are poor, ugly, stay-at-home dads? Darn few I would imagine.

I just saw a show about this, and theres some books about it too. With more women holding high paid demanding jobs, the family structure is changing.

Is your man ugly? No. Is your man poor? No.

You didn't decide to continue having sex with him because he's older than you--unless you have daddy issues. You decided to keep having sex with him because his other characteristics more than compensate for the age differential

I have sex with him because I like having sex with him and I love him. I'm attracted to him for the same reaons why I could be attracted to someone my own age or younger. Oh, and he has really nice lips and he smells good too. I could go on.

Ugly? No. Poor? Paycheck to paycheck. He hasn't been able to find a good job after being laid off. He works, but it's tough. He grew up in a lower middle class home whereas I come from an upper middle class home.

Side note: My mom is a very successful purchasing manager of a company in town. She's always worked hard for her money and loved the experiences that working hard brought to her. She's beautiful as well. I make no exaggeration, when she was my age most men her own age were too intimidating to talk to her because she was a knockout. Men with maturity were drawn to her. She worked with all men in a time when it was tough for a woman to be in business. She's a respectable woman.

She's also 7 years younger than my dad. They have been married 31 years and have 3 beautiful, bright children who they are quite proud of .

I love my dad as well. My mom says we're two peas in a pod, despite my objections!

He was working for his father's successful hobby store for a number of years when he was my age, but sadly for various reasons it went under (which may have been a blessing in disguise bc family business led to some family issues within his family). Then he became a self practicing attorney, but he never made a lot of money with this. He didn't really like it, but it was the route that happened. Since he was self practing he made his own hours. He was able to be home to cook me and my brother and sister dinner every night during the week. My mom's sister watched us during the day when we were home for summer or right after school for an hour until my dad came home. He sewed on buttons bc my mom doesn't know how. He does laundry is a regular handy-man around the house. He drove us to and from soccer practices and dance rehearsals.

Now, don't get me wrong my mom picked up right where he left off. She came to all my soccer tournaments, planned wonderful birthday parties for her kids, took her lunch hour or day off to volunteer to be a driver to school field trips every once and a while. And after a nice nap on the weekends she loves to cook and bake. I get annoyed at all her baking because I'm trying to watch it! She also cleans and does laundry on the weekend.

I could go on.

Did I mention she was 7 years younger than my dad?

Maybe that story counts more than my own with my man???

P.S. I messed up my posting above there. This quoting after quoting is a pain!

May 22, 2011

I'm interested to know from all you girls who are married/commited to an older guy (10yrs+ difference), what made you/keeps you interested in him?

I'm 43, and cannot possibly see why a girl in her 20's/early 30's could possibly be interested in a guy my age. Surely you have different interests in practically everything. Music, activities, holidays, how you spend your free time/weekends, what time you go to sleep even. And as to why an attractive young girl would like to be intimate with a wrinkly, possibly slightly flabby 40 something guy... I cant understand.

I was married to two guys, the first 12 years older, the second 18. Money was never the reason. The first one was not wealthy at all. I've been divorced from my second husband for a while, and I am still madly in love with him because: he is cute, sexy, loves my children from my first marriage and takes care of them, he is super smart, very funny and witty, knowledgeable, good-hearted and weak in his own sweet way. I do hope to get over him very soon though.

Regarding money, he is very wealthy and always pays for everything, but that alone doesn't mean much to me, and in fact, he never bought me a ring or ANY jewelry, he bought me a $10K car when we got married, and he's been really cheap with me (like $10 worth b/day presents), so NO, money is not the reason at all. If anything, I would get more from a "regular" guy who is willing to spend some of his money on a woman he loves.

But, money is an important factor in choosing a man. I hear many of my female friends talk about money, they don't want a guy who makes less than $50K in a big city. This is just for your information, so please do not attack me for how women view the world. As for myself, I am going to be an attorney soon, making like over $100K in a few years, so certainly, I expect the same income from my future husband - or I would not feel we're equal. I just want a guy who will make as much as I will - not gold digging.

Edited May 22, 2011 by RecordProducer

May 22, 2011

Duplicate post.

May 22, 2011

Hi starryeyed12, I repeat, GOOD LORD you have the patience of a SAINT!! Lol, but I am sooooo glad you do it. Every response makes it clear what that "man" (I use the term loosely) is up to. I politely told him/them that it's obvious he has an agenda, but apparently he didn't believe me.

This:

http://www.mgtowforums.com/forums/content.php

And this:

http://www.mgtowforums.com/forums/mgtow-general-forum/1249-i-am-still-single-after-18months-what-am-i-doing-wrong.html

...will help enormously in understanding his sad and bizarre beliefs about women. It's a scary, scary little hate group philosophy he's trying to 'prove' is valid. Interesting reading though, it gave me a laugh - especially the thread where they start talking about "raping eachother until the 'M' word makes them curl up in a fetal position and cry" Rofl - swear to god it's a direct quote. I wish I could post a screen shot.

Oh, btw, Abdullah? This:

OPB: Musemaj11

Haha you are just paranoid. I too have...

Haha you are just paranoid.*

I too have stalked some girls on facebook. People have assured me that they can't know if I have checked out their profiles. But I'm still paranoid.

...isn't true. I think someone gave you bad advice. Norm, (or Dufens mertz, Nordic, musmaj, or whatever you want to be called today) would you believe that some people are dumb enough to harass women online they know NOTHING about, even if they had something like an active warrant? Crazy!

Not, of course, to imply that YOU ever got in trouble with the law or anything; I'm sure you haven't. Just a random example of the sort of thing that would make me think twice about being so nasty to total strangers who don't deserve it.

Bye now. Gonna go say hey to Hanna & Helena. Do I need to keep going? I did hit the report abuse thing for a few of your names, so we'll see what's what soon, I guess.

I know how you like studies. Especially when they aren't verifiable, so here's one for your collection:

Science has confirmed the dangers of ingesting bread and bread products:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. A WHOPPING 98% of *the 111,920 people living with AIDS in the UK were regular bread eaters before contracting the disease.

4. More than 98 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. In the United States alone, almost 2.2 million people who have eaten bread at some point in their lives will develop Schizophrenia.

6. Stastically, over 90% of all cancers world-wide occur to people who include bread in their diet.

7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, *and losing even 20% of this water results in massive dehydration and certain death, bread can therefore cause death by dehydration.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread made up as much as 40% of the typical diet in the 18th century, during which time Typhoid and Influenza ravaged entire nations, and life expectancy was a mere 50yrs of age.

10. Some bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

May 22, 2011

Ooops, just wanted to say sorry for getting off subject in the above reply.

- I meant to add that my father was almost 20 years older than my mother. He passed away when she was 39, and she was still an EXTREMELLY beautiful woman. She never remarried, never even dated again when he passed, and she had plenty of offers including almost every male teacher I ever had once they found out she was widowed. His picture is still hanging in her living room, and another on her nightstand. No, he did not leave her filthy rich - he left her heartbroken that what she considered her only "true" love was gone.

Personally, I didn't much like my dad, so the above is not only honest, I didn't like typing it.

May 23, 2011

The sexiest thing about a man no matter his age, is his security in who he is and comfortableness in his own skin.

I've never known a secure man who put another man down for any reason, or woman for that matter.

Maybe the difference has to do with insecurity and not age at all.

...the most intelligent, thoughtful and TRUE thing I've read in a long time.

Even makes me wish I had been "big" enough not to be so harsh in responding to nordic/dufensmertz/musemaj and just refused to take the bait.

Very well said!

May 23, 2011

Regarding money, he is very wealthy and always pays for everything, but that alone doesn't mean much to me, and in fact, he never bought me a ring or ANY jewelry, he bought me a $10K car when we got married, and he's been really cheap with me (like $10 worth b/day presents), so NO, money is not the reason at all. If anything, I would get more from a "regular" guy who is willing to spend some of his money on a woman he loves.

Of course money wasnt the reason.

Thats why you married a very wealthy man who paid for everything and disappointed that he was really cheap with presents and now you wish a more 'regular' guy who will spend more money on you.

Hilarious. Who are you trying to kid?

As for myself, I am going to be an attorney soon, making like over $100K in a few years, so certainly, I expect the same income from my future husband - or I would not feel we're equal. I just want a guy who will make as much as I will - not gold digging.

I bet your ex husbands made more than you.

But god forbids that you end up with someone making less than you.

May 24, 2011

More than 98 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

OMG, Kristi, you are hilarious!

(And the story about your mom was so romantic, but sad.)

Musemaj, I am so glad you told me how I feel about my ex-husband. Foolish me was in so much pain due to our divorce, but now I can relax knowing it was just about the money, and I never loved him for him. Thanks, dude.

Oh, and go make some money instead of posting bitter, envious posts on LS. It'll do ya good.

But god forbids that you end up with someone making less than you.

God forbid!

and now you wish a more 'regular' guy who will spend more money on you.

No, I don't wish a "regular" guy. Only filthy rich ones!

Edited May 24, 2011 by RecordProducer

May 24, 2011

Kristi and Record Producer - you both made me laugh SO hard!

Attraction is a funny thing. It can only be nurtured really. No point arguing against it... unless of course it a manifestation of something dark or unresolved.

No such issues here - I am living the dream.

Take care,

Eve x

May 24, 2011

i spotted a pattern.

first starreyed posts some interesting theory like "men and women want exactly the same thing, and the fact that nobody can see that is coz everybody is blind" or "nobody would ever marry for money, anna nicole smith was so attracted by her husbands physical appereance first time she saw him her knickers got wet".

then when men raise a finger and say, wait a minute, maybe...

...kristi comes to her "rescue" with long posts about absolutely nothing.

maybe, kristi, just maybe, the reason why different men react to her opinions is that we dont agree with them. maybe you should just consider that, instead of assuming that its a giant conspiracy against you, or the work of one man with enormous amount of free time:-)

May 24, 2011

OMG, Kristi, you are hilarious! (And the story about your mom was so romantic, but sad.)

Musemaj, I am so glad you told me how I feel about my ex-husband. Foolish me was in so much pain due to our divorce, but now I can relax knowing it was just about the money, and I never loved him for him. Thanks, dude.

Oh, and go make some money instead of posting bitter, envious posts on LS. It'll do ya good.

God forbid!

No, I don't wish a "regular" guy. Only filthy rich ones!

of course you loved him. otherwise you would never the the male goats into your bed, or was that your idea:-)

May 24, 2011

Kristi and Record Producer - you both made me laugh SO hard!

Attraction is a funny thing. It can only be nurtured really. No point arguing against it... unless of course it a manifestation of something dark or unresolved.

No such issues here - I am living the dream.

Take care,
Eve x

I second this!

And Eve, it's good to hear that you are in such a good state. Happy marriages to some wonderful older men really do exist!

May 25, 2011

Musemaj, I am so glad you told me how I feel about my ex-husband. Foolish me was in so much pain due to our divorce, but now I can relax knowing it was just about the money, and I never loved him for him. Thanks, dude.

Chances are his money and status were a big part of your attraction toward him.

Oh, and go make some money instead of posting bitter, envious posts on LS. It'll do ya good.

In a way, my disappointment at the fact that women are all gold diggers give me the drive to push myself in my life.

God forbid!

No, I don't wish a "regular" guy. Only filthy rich ones!

See, its easy to be honest with yourself. Its not like you are the only woman who wants a rich man.

May 25, 2011

Chances are his money and status were a big part of your attraction toward him.

So what? I should feel guilty because you're poor?

In a way, my disappointment at the fact that women are all gold diggers give me the drive to push myself in my life. See, its easy to be honest with yourself. Its not like you are the only woman who wants a rich man.

You can't push yourself in life. Your car has more enthusiasm and humor than you - if you have a car at all....

Sign In

A question for all women married to a (much) older guy

Recommended Posts

KR10N

starryeyed12

starryeyed12

TinaniT

starryeyed12

Lauriebell82

starryeyed12

starryeyed12

RecordProducer

RecordProducer

Kristi can't sleep

Kristi can't sleep

Kristi can't sleep

musemaj11

RecordProducer

Eve

nordic

nordic

starryeyed12

musemaj11

RecordProducer

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...