youaretheone Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 There is this guy friend of my girlfriend. They are not best friends but they see each other every day because they have the same classes in uni. My gf once admitted that she is fed up with seeing him every day and he wants to meet her at every event like parties, festivals, and she finds him weird. Next week is my gf's bday and I am organizing a surprise party for her. I also invited this friend over Facebook. Now he calls me and tells me that he was also thinking about a surprise party for her and wants to organize it together. To be honest, I already organized every detail and all I need is the attendance of people. I would have asked him if I needed any help with it. He tells me that maybe we should do it the week after because my gf might be very busy and cannot attend because she has papers to submit for the monday after the party. He also gave me several advices on talking to her best friends, taking their advice, blah blah. Then he sends me this message on Facebook: "Actually was I was trying to tell you earlier is that I know that she is usually working much more efficiently during the nights (and not the day) just before the deadlines (just like I do...). But I've just noticed that we have an exam on 26th, and the 27th the presentation of our Design Project, and this day ends with an "aperitif" to "talk about the projects" So I'd suggest perhaps to do it on Friday evening, if it's possible, because I'm sure she will need a break just after this hard week." Come on, I appreciate his help and opinions, I already stated on event page that everyone is welcome to contribute with ideas. But don't you think it is a bit overboard for him to tell me about my girlfriend's schedule and talk on behalf of her? I wanted to tell him "Come on man, I am her bf! I should be thinking about these, not you!" Please let me know if I am thinking wrong. What is a nice way to tell him that it is very nice of him to think about these but not really his business to decide on what day should my girlfriend celebrate her birthday and tell me things about her that I already know as if he is her boyfriend?
indija Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I don’t think you’re overreacting...he sounds like he’s waaaaayyyyy too invested in her and in what she does. It’s like, let’s forget he’s a “guy,” let’s just say he was her brother or cousin or whatever. Would it still feel weird? I’d say yeah. What I don’t know is what to suggest you do about it. Maybe you could let him know (talk/message/whatever) in a cool way that you appreciate his help and his friendship AND (not “but”) that you were kind of wanting to do something special for her as her boyfriend and you wanted her to have that feeling as part of her gift. Then maybe you could suggest that maybe he could organize a different event/activity for some other time and you could all share that. Heck, I don’t know, the guy sounds a bit creepy, to tell you the truth. Unless he’s gay?
Author youaretheone Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Thanks for replying indija. First I thought that I am overreacting because he is a "guy". Then I thought that he is spending too much effort for just one friend. She has girl friends that are closer to her than him but they happily accept my plan and do not suggest to organize this together with me because they probably understand that I am her boyfriend and want this to be special for her. It is confusing to me because some other people in another forum told me that he is just offering help and I am wrong. Hmm....
indija Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Actually, the whole thing sounds like a territorial pissing contest to me. Hi, I’m the BF organizing a party, ideas welcome. Ideas come in, it’s all good. Then, halfway into it, guy says let’s organize together after you’ve already got the basics laid out. Lol, if this were a movie it’d be hilarious, but in real life, I have to tell you (and maybe I’m the one overreacting) it feels at least a little bit creepy or imposing. I went back and re-read your post and yeah, maybe it’s not super-creepy, but ultimately I think that if you said you were doing it and you’re the BF then that should be the end of the story. Take his ideas into account and you’re good. If he persists in this joint WE thing, then you’ll know it’s creepy for sure and figure out what to do. Anyway, that’s what I’m thinkin.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I think you're underreacting personally. I'd tell him that while you appreciate the ideas he offered (as you were soliciting them) YOU will be organizing and hosting the party. He's welcome to come to the party as you have designed it, or not. He's trying to assert his dominance and you're letting him by "trying to be nice about it." Assert back.
Author youaretheone Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Thank you for the reply. It would be ok if he just called me, told me his opinion and then left the rest for me to handle. It startled me when he said he was thinking about the same thing and then acted like he is the one organizing it without even asking if I wanted him to help me with it. Another thing is, he offers me to talk to her two best friends in case they might want to do something different and then sends me that message, suggesting another date to make her "relax after the exams". It sounds like he is planning a romantic dinner with her on saturday night and is trying to change the date of the event on whatever date he wants. Come on...
Nexus One Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Thank you for the reply. It would be ok if he just called me, told me his opinion and then left the rest for me to handle. It startled me when he said he was thinking about the same thing and then acted like he is the one organizing it without even asking if I wanted him to help me with it. Another thing is, he offers me to talk to her two best friends in case they might want to do something different and then sends me that message, suggesting another date to make her "relax after the exams". It sounds like he is planning a romantic dinner with her on saturday night and is trying to change the date of the event on whatever date he wants. Come on... Perhaps this is what you can tell him, let's call him Joe. "Joe, I appreciate you're trying to help me out, but I have everything planned out already. As her boyfriend I feel it's my task to do these kind of things. I really do appreciate that you care, but I'd like to organize this myself. Regards and thanks, youraretheone" Now that is fairly mild, because you don't know at this point yet if this guy is just quirky or that he has a crush on your girlfriend and is trying to step into "your territory". If it would be clear that that was what he was doing, then I'd send a firmer text wherein you declare that he's overstepping some boundaries here.
Author youaretheone Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) Thank you Nexus One. Being inspired by your message, I sent her this: "Hey Joe, I really appreciate you're trying to help me out, but I have everything planned out already. No matter which day it is, seeing all of you there will definitely be enough to show how much you care about her so I feel that the best thing you could do is be there for her on this day and let me handle the rest. As her boyfriend, I feel it's my task to organize this myself. I really do appreciate that you care and if you have any comments or additional opinions that would spice up this event, please share. Otherwise, I will gladly do what is neccessary to make her get the best out of this night, of course, with your presence. Take care." Edited May 17, 2011 by youaretheone
Author youaretheone Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 She tells you she is fed up with him yet he has the idea in his head he is closer and should be the organizer. She could be playing both of you against each other. I cannot agree. She is trying to be nice to the guy because (she sees him everyday in every class) not to make things weird between them and the guy probably takes it as something more and tries to organize a surprise party for her and wants to come next to her at every event she is attending to. She is upset with this interest that is more than neccessary.
CrestfallenNoMore Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Come back and let us know what he says. I'm curious...
crossfitter Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I like what you sent. Kind of like a nice way of saying, "Hey creeper, eat a bag of dicks."
GG3 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I don't think you are overreacting at all. Let us know what he says. This person clearly doesn't know their place.
Author youaretheone Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Here is what he said in response to my message: Hi youaretheone, Yes of course you are right! I’m really sorry if I was a bit too much enthusiastic, I’m only glad that you prepare smth for her, because we are quite good friends now. Please excuse me if I was too much involved, I’m not going to tell you what you should do, it was quite stupid from me! Actually I had only thought about doing smth myself for her for some time, but did not prepare anything special. And since I’ve known you were her boyfriend, I knew I should better wait and see, even if I had this idea. In fact, I would have liked to do smth by myself if I’d be at your place, so I completely understand! So, as I told you earlier I was anyway planning to call you, to know if you had already planned smth, and was not thinking about doing smth without informing you first. I never wanted to pull the rug from under your feet! That’s even why I called directly when I saw your message, I was quite waiting for it! So don’t worry, I’m not going to bother you more: it’s even easier for me just to come and have fun! ))) Still tell me if you need any help, to prepare smth or if you have a special plan to keep the surprise till the end. I’ll be available if necessary, and else I’ll just come and enjoy your party! See you youaretheone, good job!! The strange thing is: This guy thinks they have a very strong friendship with my girlfriend whereas my girlfriend thinks he is weird and clingy and she wants to avoid seeing him this much. Edited May 18, 2011 by youaretheone
NoMagicBullet Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I was thinking "I bet he's weird & clingy" with your first post about him trying to usurp your party plans. Nice to know that my intuition is still working. Very well handled. I hope the party goes well. Although I suggest that you don't give weird, clingy guy to much, if anything, to do, even though he offered to help. I've known people who are passive-aggressive by doing supposedly nice things for people, and they take things too far with being "nice" -- they often come off as being weird and clingy. Just be on alert for additional meddling from this guy.
Author youaretheone Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Thank you everyone here who shared a word of advice. Do you think it is a good idea to talk to my gf about this guy's behaviour after the party? She doesn't hang out with him other than the classes and during them, she can't just avoid him.
GG3 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I'd wait and see what happens first. I know this sounds stupid and how can you tell this from an email but, when I read it I wondered if he might be gay? Just too wordy for some of the guys I've known and dated, lol.
batterup788 Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I'd be careful with the guy. I had the same thing happen to me with an ex of mine. A guy from a couple of her classes suddenly became obsessed with her. She wasn't interested but it didn't mean he wasn't. He would show up at her place unannounced when I was there (she lived on campus), and was actively trying to undermine my relationship with her by doing stuff similar to what that guy is doing. I think you did the right thing by telling him to back off nicely. If classes finish and he still keeps coming around then you might have to be somewhat firmer with him.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Yeah, I agree, the guy is overstepping his boundaries.
dispatch3d Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 There is this guy friend of my girlfriend. They are not best friends but they see each other every day because they have the same classes in uni. My gf once admitted that she is fed up with seeing him every day and he wants to meet her at every event like parties, festivals, and she finds him weird. Next week is my gf's bday and I am organizing a surprise party for her. I also invited this friend over Facebook. Now he calls me and tells me that he was also thinking about a surprise party for her and wants to organize it together. To be honest, I already organized every detail and all I need is the attendance of people. I would have asked him if I needed any help with it. He tells me that maybe we should do it the week after because my gf might be very busy and cannot attend because she has papers to submit for the monday after the party. He also gave me several advices on talking to her best friends, taking their advice, blah blah. Then he sends me this message on Facebook: "Actually was I was trying to tell you earlier is that I know that she is usually working much more efficiently during the nights (and not the day) just before the deadlines (just like I do...). But I've just noticed that we have an exam on 26th, and the 27th the presentation of our Design Project, and this day ends with an "aperitif" to "talk about the projects" So I'd suggest perhaps to do it on Friday evening, if it's possible, because I'm sure she will need a break just after this hard week." Come on, I appreciate his help and opinions, I already stated on event page that everyone is welcome to contribute with ideas. But don't you think it is a bit overboard for him to tell me about my girlfriend's schedule and talk on behalf of her? I wanted to tell him "Come on man, I am her bf! I should be thinking about these, not you!" Please let me know if I am thinking wrong. What is a nice way to tell him that it is very nice of him to think about these but not really his business to decide on what day should my girlfriend celebrate her birthday and tell me things about her that I already know as if he is her boyfriend? if you have to ask if you're overreacting, then you probably are . I'll just address the last paragraph, because that's the important part. Go ask your girlfriend for ****s sake lol. Why are you on here?
dispatch3d Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 Thank you Nexus One. Being inspired by your message, I sent her this: "Hey Joe, I really appreciate you're trying to help me out, but I have everything planned out already. No matter which day it is, seeing all of you there will definitely be enough to show how much you care about her so I feel that the best thing you could do is be there for her on this day and let me handle the rest. As her boyfriend, I feel it's my task to organize this myself. I really do appreciate that you care and if you have any comments or additional opinions that would spice up this event, please share. Otherwise, I will gladly do what is neccessary to make her get the best out of this night, of course, with your presence. Take care." I'd go with "I'll talk with her about your concerns and go from there. Thanks for the input."
Author youaretheone Posted May 19, 2011 Author Posted May 19, 2011 dispatched, thanks for your effort to reply, but may I ask you if you even read the main thing? It is a surprise party and you are telling me to go talk to my girlfriend. About his concerns? Hmmm...?
Feelsgoodman Posted May 19, 2011 Posted May 19, 2011 OP, let me get this straight. We have already established that the guy clearly wants to f&ck your GF. He is getting out of his skin trying to sideline you - and you are concerned about being nice to him? My advice is stop being such a chump. Send the guy a curt reply advising him that his assistance is not necessary. And from that point on, simply ignore him. Also, speak to your girl. She already said that this guy is weird. Tell her to stop hanging out and being friendly with him. If that doesn't do it, then maybe you you'll need to have a chat with this fellow.
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