Mack05 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) Guys, I wrote my story yesterday -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278257/ It was an eye opening day for me. My ex's behaviour when we were breaking up in March and before that was erractic at times to say the least. She is Brazilian and suffered a horrible childhood and then had to endure more trauma in her late teens and early 20's. Throughout our six months together I noticed the following behavioural patterns.. 1) Suffered from memory loss/memory problems. 2) Go so hot and cold regulary. 3) Suffered from clear mood (vicious) swings. 4) Was at times a cold distant person. 5) Be such a bad patient when sick. 6) Wanting a life of no Highs or Lows. 7) Limited coping and communication skills. 8) Impulsive marriage/divorce (she was married before). 9) Impulsive decisions. 10 Family problems. 11 Self denial. I was in Therapy and my therapist confirmed what I found out yesterday on this site, that my ex is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder -> http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder for more on this. The dilemna I have is this. My ex was quite cruel at the end of our relationship and has made it clear she never wants to hear from me again. I am cool with this, really I am. I have no interest in being her boyfriend or even her friend. BUT despite her faults, my ex is a good person. I truly believe if she doesn't get this resolved then she will continue to make the same mistakes (and maybe even bigger ones). She has been to therapy but it is wasted money. Self denial is a big problem for people suffering with BPD so its very hard for a Therapist to help someone that doesn't want to be helped. People who suffer from BPD know something is wrong, but they haven't a clue what it is. She doesn't know what is wrong with her.. Anyway I would like to get back in contact and let her know the discoveries I have made. Maybe she will ignore what I have discovered, or maybe it might stop her making mistakes and help her get herself life sorted. I would like people's advice. Should I let her know what I have discovered (I am like 50000000000000000% sure this is what she is suffering from), or do I just leave it knowing she will continue to make mistake after mistake? She is a good person, she just got dealt a horrible hand in life. I am starting to think my role in her life was to open her eyes to this. My family believe I should say nothing, but that just doesn't feel right for me. It's over 2 months and I genuinely do not want her back. Just to help someone I care about out..Advice would be GREATLY appreciated.. Say nothing or be a good guy? Edited May 17, 2011 by Mack05
oldguy Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Dude, LET IT GO. You said you don't want her back, she doesn't want you back, she been to therapy & is in denial. Unless your going to start and head an advocate group to help everyone with this condition, let it go. It only take one shrink to change a light bulb but it take a long time, cost a lot of money but the most important thing is; the light bulb has to want to change. Let it go. For you.
Author Mack05 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Thanks oldguy I appreciate it. You, my friends and family have made me see sense. I have no idea how her future will turn out. Plus my diagnosis of her could easily be wrong. Sure I can speculate about what she has or how her future will work out, but in truth I will never know. I can only take care of myself and my destiny and hope in the background things work out for my ex. I think I got official closure today. Cheers
Desensitized Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Thanks oldguy I appreciate it. You, my friends and family have made me see sense. I have no idea how her future will turn out. Plus my diagnosis of her could easily be wrong. Sure I can speculate about what she has or how her future will work out, but in truth I will never know. I can only take care of myself and my destiny and hope in the background things work out for my ex. I think I got official closure today. Cheers My ex-fiancee has BPD as well and I can tell you from experience that whatever you say has absolutely NO MEANING to them. Save your energy, and keep your discoveries to yourself.
KrisT Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I agree with everyone else advice you've received so far. She already is seeing a professional who is educated in dealing with these type of issues. If her therapist can't reach her its not likely you will make head way either. Just pray for her, in finding a healthy life one day
MissMoni Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) I feel like kind of a hypocrite saying this because my ex had issues with anger and just plain stubborness, but you have to let it go. Nothing we can say can help them because they have shut us out. They don't WANT to hear from us. Having anyone else tell her she was BPD might have been okay, but coming from you, it will probably just make her even more upset with you. I know it doesn't make sense, but emotions make us do and say crazy things to ones we once loved. If you really feel compelled, is there a family member of hers you might be able to talk to? I understand your dilemm. I just don't want you to end up more hurt in all of this. Edited May 17, 2011 by MissMoni
MissMoni Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I agree with everyone else advice you've received so far. She already is seeing a professional who is educated in dealing with these type of issues. If her therapist can't reach her its not likely you will make head way either. Just pray for her, in finding a healthy life one day THIS. Pray. It is the only thing you can do.
Downtown Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Mack, I am so glad that Strength of Heart was able to alert you to your exGF's strong traits of BPD. I suspect that his articulate story has helped a lot of other members and lurkers too. As to your question about telling your exGF that she has such traits, the conventional wisdom at the BPD forums targeted to us "Nons" (i.e., NonBPD partners) is "do not tell." Because BPDers have weak, fragile egos, they are well defended with the primitive emotional defenses we all relied heavily on as children. These include denial, black-white thinking, and magical thinking. They also include the defense your exGF is most likely to use: projection. It is a wonderful defense -- doing a great job of protecting her self image -- because it happens at the subconscious level, which means that she will actually consciously believe the projection is true. This means that, if you were to tell her she has strong BPD traits, she almost certainly will believe you are the one suffering from such traits. That is what all of the BPD sites will tell you. And that is what I am telling you. That said, I must concede that this is another case of "do what I say, not what I did." What I actually did was to tell my BPDer exW when she left me after 15 years together. Like you, I am a caregiver who considers it anathema to walk away from a sick loved one if there is still one stone left unturned. The result, after turning over that last stone, was that I was able to sleep very comfortably at night, being confident I had tried everything. The other result, of course, is that she has been convinced ever since that I have strong BPD traits. I therefore join the other posters in advising you to NOT tell her. Yet, if you are determined to do so, I suggest mailing her a BPD book which describes the traits and explains how current treatments are excellent if a BPD sufferer will stay in the programs long enough. The book that seems to be most popular with BPD sufferers (because it is non-hostile and optimistic) is Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Robert Friedel. If you order it online, you may be able to have it mailed anonymously. If you would like to read a description of what it is like to live with a typical BPDer, I suggest you check out my posts in Inigo's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826453#post2826453. Take care, Mack.
Author Mack05 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Downtown I REALLY appreciate this post. I have decided not to say anything. Not to even order her the book. Sadly you are spot on in everything you said. I just have to say the odd prayer for her and hopefully life works out for her. I know she has a good heart, she just got dealt a horrible hand in life. Thanks guys, this site really has been an enormous help to me. It's given me closure and I didn't think that was possible a few weeks ago..Thanks all
Author Mack05 Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 Best Thread I have read on this site -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/show...53#post2826453. Great job Downtown.
Author Mack05 Posted May 20, 2011 Author Posted May 20, 2011 I decided to buy the book for her and just sent it anonymously. I just didnt feel right sitting back doing nothing. Even if she bins the book, at least the term is in her head and maybe just maybe it might (just might) have saved her some future heartbreak. Thanks everybody, what a great site. Its when you know there are good people out there it gives mer MASSIVE hope for the future..Cheers again
Downtown Posted May 20, 2011 Posted May 20, 2011 Mack, it was kind of you to update us. I was thinking that, as I did, you would surely buy the book. Like I said, we caregivers find it anathema to walk away from a loved sick one without turning over every last stone. It goes against our family values, our religion -- indeed, against every fiber of our being. And, for the cost of that last stone (probably $15 including shipping), you are going to sleep so much better. Because she almost certainly will "bin the book," you should think of it as the cheapest and most effective sleeping remedy you've ever purchased. Now take care of yourself, Caregiver.
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