neill32 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 My girlfriend broke up with me recentley. Its hit me harder than i thought anything could. Im not sleeping or eating. I feel so lost without her, she is the love of my life. We were together for 3.5 years, and as in any relationship there were a few small arguments but things seemed fine. She is a bit younger than me and about 18 months ago she went through a horrible time as her mother abandoned her. When this happened I adapted to what she needed at the time, some1 that could look after her and make sure she was safe. The situation destroyed her and I dont think she dealt with it or tried to deal with it. When she told me she doesnt feel the same feelings for me anymore I realised what I had done, I hadnt gone back to been me, the me she loved before her mother. The act that I had put on all those months ago had stuck in me when it shouldnt have. When i saw this in me, I instantly droped the act and actualy saw things clearly and I felt like me again for the 1st time in months. I left the home and stayed with a friend in a different town, I suggested to her that we take a couple of weeks apart to clear our heads a little, but I think she rushed the desicion that we had to end. I have tried to explain how I think we got to this, but she isnt listening. Im trying to leave her alone for now but I need to go back home to sort our things out. We live in a small town and I know that we will bump into each other a lot. She says the love isnt there but only days before she was telling me how much i meant to her and she loved me with all her heart. I have felt such strong love for this girl since day 1 and I still do. I have read so much on here about no contact and the mixed results with this. I want to try this as I cant let this girl out of my life. I can live for a while without contacting her. I will try anything to make her see that I love her and give us another chance.
Kari Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Go NC, do not contact her for any reason, no answering her calls - texts - emails - etc. Focus on yourself right now. Spend time with friends and family, go out and have a good time. Don't spend your days locked up in the house thinking about your ex. The thing about NC is that, even if your ex doesn't desire to come back, you will already be on the process of moving on. Wish you the best.
Author neill32 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I'm finding the no contact very hard as I have to talk / text her as we need to sort our stuff out. I sent her a txt today so she knows I will be returning home to collect some things, she replied instantly! Then she asked more questions like what im taking, where im goin. I dont want to be rude to her but im still so confused and hurt that any contact gives me hope.
samspade Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Get your stuff and get out. You're not being rude, you're actually being thoughtful by going NC. It means you won't be dragging your dead relationship through the mud and causing resentment and anger. Yeah breakups and NC are tough but they are much better than any alternative. As to the original question - has she really lost the love? Yes. If a woman has actually executed a breakup, sorry to say but the relationship is done. Even if she was telling you otherwise a few days before. Women do this often right before a breakup - maybe it's just one last chance for them to be good so they don't feel so guilty, who knows. I can tell you that she probably made up her mind to break up with you well before that - maybe a month before, maybe longer. The actual breakup happens when a woman knows for sure it's what's best for her. Unfortunately for the man it's often like a ton of bricks on our heads, and we can't fathom why it happened. Just accept her honesty and move forward. More women await you.
Graceful Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 She is a bit younger than me and about 18 months ago she went through a horrible time as her mother abandoned her. When this happened I adapted to what she needed at the time, some1 that could look after her and make sure she was safe. The situation destroyed her and I dont think she dealt with it or tried to deal with it. When she told me she doesnt feel the same feelings for me anymore I realised what I had done, I hadnt gone back to been me, the me she loved before her mother. The act that I had put on all those months ago had stuck in me when it shouldnt have. When i saw this in me, I instantly droped the act and actualy saw things clearly and I felt like me again for the 1st time in months. Hi Neill, Would you please clarify what you mean when you say that you dropped the "act" that you put on after her mother abandoned your ex? What do you mean? Did you become more like a caretaker / parent / friend than a romantic partner? Did you feel she began to see you as more of a friend than a boyfriend, and had friend-zoned you? Also, how did she deal with it? No therapy, no support other than you? Does she have any siblings? Did her mother just leave the family, up and leave, no good bye, nothing? Seems to be a complex set of circumstances, you know? Thanks.
Author neill32 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Hi Graceful The act was the way I adapted to look after her, I think she saw me as a parental figure, but this really was like an act, i just forfot to stop. Yes she does have 2 brothers, 1 is a waste of space and the other live at the end of the country. She didnt hav any support apart from me, i wanted her to have more support because i felt so bad for her and what she was going through. Her mother did up and leave with no warning, me and my girlfriend then moved to our own flat but we also took in her useless brother, that put a huge strain on the relationship. We would hav been there for a year on the day she broke up with me...... broke my heart
Graceful Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Hi again, Neill, and thanks for the clarification. Yes, what you said just reiterated what I had thought, that is, your support at a time when her parent abandoned her, turned you into a caretaker / parent-like figure to her, and she leaned on you when she was really in crisis mode. Then, it inadvertently, and as a byproduct, friend zoned you, and now you're in limbo not knowing if you can ever rekindle the romance. Right? Okay, listen. The only way, the absolute only way you can have any hope at all is to go into NC and stay strong. The only way she can or will (and it's a big gamble, you know, so keep your hopes in check) see you as a romantic partner again, is if you give her space, stay strong, and get on with your life, and present yourself as a strong person. Now to add to the stress of your living situation all those months, and to further zap your relationship of romance (like it wasn't bad enough with your ex's abandonment crisis), her brother lived with you, and he was totally useless and an additional drain. Your ex is drained, completely and utterly drained right now, and that means of all emotion, for you, and probably for everything and everyone. She's just been through a very hurtful, painful experience, and she hasn't got it resolved. She pushed you away because she probably wants to try to stand on her own two feet and return to some form of "normalcy" in her life. It might be permanent, and you need to prepare yourself for that reality. So give her space, do not contact her, get your belongings, be cordial (there's no need to be cold or rude if she is there), and get those logistics taken care of. Stay in NC. She broke up with you, and therefore, if she wants to get in touch with you, that's up to her. She needs to respect that she has hurt you very badly, you know, so the respect works both ways. Missing you won't be enough to build hope for you, if you want a second chance. The best and only thing you can do is stay NC, work on yourself, and build up a support system to see you through this. I am the last person who would give you false hope, but your circumstances are unusual, and there's no telling if there's a second chance here. But you sound like a wonderful guy, and no matter what happens, you deserve to be given the same love that you give. Some relationships just don't last forever, but you need to give this time. I'm really not sure there's a predictable outcome, and believe me, if I thought it was predictable, I'd say so. Take care, Neill, and all my best. I am really on your side here, not that I can work any magic for you (wish I could). Hi Graceful The act was the way I adapted to look after her, I think she saw me as a parental figure, but this really was like an act, i just forfot to stop. Yes she does have 2 brothers, 1 is a waste of space and the other live at the end of the country. She didnt hav any support apart from me, i wanted her to have more support because i felt so bad for her and what she was going through. Her mother did up and leave with no warning, me and my girlfriend then moved to our own flat but we also took in her useless brother, that put a huge strain on the relationship. We would hav been there for a year on the day she broke up with me...... broke my heart
Recommended Posts