jthorne Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) If you want sex, you can get that anywhere. Go to a bar and pick up a hot stud (and use protection). Get a rabbit for crying out loud. So what is it you miss? Sex with something that gets up and goes home to his wife? Or something else? Point is, if you're horny and need to get off, you can get that easily, you don't necessarily need a MM for that. Edited May 17, 2011 by jthorne
myname Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 If you want sex, you can get that anywhere. Get a rabbit for crying out loud. So what is it you miss? Sex with something that gets up and goes home to his wife? A rabbit isn't the same, I think I have an understanding of what she misses. No going home to the wife wasn't great, no it's not worth it, but I'm sure there was loving affectionate sex and that is something that's hard not to miss. The physical closeness and tenderness, yeah, I'll miss it too.
Author Rooke Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 If you want sex, you can get that anywhere. Go to a bar and pick up a hot stud (and use protection). Get a rabbit for crying out loud. So what is it you miss? Sex with something that gets up and goes home to his wife? Or something else? Point is, if you're horny and need to get off, you can get that easily, you don't necessarily need a MM for that. Whilst that is absolutely true, I'm not in to sleeping with random people, and I miss the affection and how good it was with him. You're quite right in terms of remembering that he does go home to his wife. I was just having a weak moment!
jthorne Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Sorry, I'm just having trouble figuring out how a bright woman with any self respect could have a shred of sexual attraction to a man that humiliated her so by physically running away from her.
Author Rooke Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 Sorry, I'm just having trouble figuring out how a bright woman with any self respect could have a shred of sexual attraction to a man that humiliated her so by physically running away from her. Tip of the iceberg that incident! Because I'm not thinking about how it is now, it's a memory.
26pointblue Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I totally get where you're coming from. I miss the awesome sex as well as the close connection. I don't know if it helps but when I feel that way I start to think about all the lonely nights where I wanted to have sex with him or just have him hold me but he was at home with his wife, or on vacation with his family or whatever. That reminds me that while I miss the 'ups,' I certainly don't miss the 'downs,' they weren't worth it. I also tell myself that now I am free to eventually find a real love that will give me everything I deserve, including amazing sex . . . & he won't have to get up & go home to wifey afterwards! I really look forward to having such a relationship & I know it will be worth the wait & I'll be even more glad I left xMM. I don't really agree with the advice to just go hook up with anyone. Only from my personal experience . . . I did this the first time xMM & I broke up [which lasted almost 2 months] & it was pretty miserable. I felt even more empty & alone after they got up & left [not that I wanted them to stay - I just regretted ever being with them] - because I didn't have that connection with them, they meant nothing to me & I meant nothing to them yet we had just shared something so intimate. At least xMM meant a lot to me & I know I meant a lot to him too, so, I have no regrets about giving myself to him but I did/do regret giving myself to strangers. Then later I had to be worried about STDs . . . I learned that condoms are only 50% effective at stopping the transmittal of chlymedia! [i tested negative for that & the others but it was really terrifying worrying about whether or not I had it], & not really effective at all against herpes/HPV genital warts. Yeah 50% is only half the risk but why take any risk at all for someone I don't even love or have no guarantee I'm going to enjoy?! [At least the sex with xMM was guaranteed to be awesome . . . & I'm not saying I would turn down a reliable FWD/booty call guy that I knew was good in bed ha ha [those seem so hard to find!]. . . but sometimes it turned out to just plain suck & I was like, wow, I wasted my time, worried about diseases, gave up a bit more of my self-respect . . . for that?! No thanks. So right now I feel horny & lonely [a rabbit is so not the same thing although it sure beats nothing], but I believe it is the only option for me until I am serious about someone & think that he & I are in or can be in a good, healthy, fulfilling relationship. I feel like I need to 'abstain' from certain bad choices until that time, to even be able to get there, if that makes sense. Disclaimer: I do know there are people who can casually hook up without bad feelings, but I guess I am just not one of them. So maybe it wasn't for me but it will work for you. Or maybe I just went overboard & should have gotten it out of my system just once & then I would have been fine . . . but I was at a very low point & I'm a very extreme person so I kept looking for salvation in all the wrong places. If you can keep a balance about it & realize it's not going to save you- that only you can save you- then maybe it will work for you.
26pointblue Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Sorry, I'm just having trouble figuring out how a bright woman with any self respect could have a shred of sexual attraction to a man that humiliated her so by physically running away from her. I can't explain this but I'm the same way. xMM did some very crappy things & I caught him in several bold-faced lies to me at the end . . . it would be enough to make a 'normal' person repulsed forever. Not to mention talking to his wife & finding out further lies that I had suspected but not been able to confirm. Yet I am still very sexually attracted to the thought of him. I have better memories about our sex life than bad memories about how he acted towards me. But I'm okay with that, it is what it is as long as I don't act on it. Maybe I am, or always was, attracted to what I can't have, or forbidden sex, or something . . . & whatever it was that made things hot & spicy between us is still there for me, it doesn't just die off [unfortunately] becuase there were other bad things that happened. In fact, if I look at it as an unhealthy relationship, a pull towards something I knew was bad for me, then it kind of makes sense to me that I'd be just as turned on or even more turned on by the thought of him even after he hurt me . . . it's that part of me that is destructive, that I am trying to fix but is certainly there, so, yeah, it makes sense. And maybe I will grow past this point one day but right now I am thankful that I had super hot sex, it was definitely the only time in my life I have experienced that level of passion & letting myself go, & I look at it like, well at least I have those good memories as well as all the bad memories that came out of this.
Silly_Girl Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 You were in the R because at times it was good - very good! Of COURSE you miss the intimacy. And nothing is going to come close to that for a while at least. Just try not to miss it too much. Balance those thoughts up as much as possible... Maybe do something positive when you start to feel it most. It WILL pass. But it might take a very, very long time.
fooled once Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 When you miss what you once had (and many times with women, we don't do the sex thing without the intimacy and emotional happiness)..remember why you aren't with him. Remember how he 'used' you. Remember how he didn't choose you. Remember how much it hurt to know after all you invested, he skipped away or went back to his wife or turned to another woman. Remember that you never want to feel that again. Remember that one day; you WILL find it again; but this time, there will be no secrets, no hidden love, no hiding from people, no watching him go home to his wife. Cherish that you are free from all that drama.
vweb1218 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 No why would you even ask her that.. this is a forum for the OW.. Everyone in here knows that people who post on here are involved with, have feeling for and love their MM.. Not that we are heartless but who is really thinking about their W's that hard. I'm sure most of us did not get involved with a MM on purpose. I thought me and my MM were just friends and ignored the attraction quite a while due to the fact he was married. It was only when we were alone together that is was so obvious that neither one of us has really completely ignored it since that day..
bentnotbroken Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 No why would you even ask her that.. this is a forum for the OW.. Everyone in here knows that people who post on here are involved with, have feeling for and love their MM.. Not that we are heartless but who is really thinking about their W's that hard. I'm sure most of us did not get involved with a MM on purpose. I thought me and my MM were just friends and ignored the attraction quite a while due to the fact he was married. It was only when we were alone together that is was so obvious that neither one of us has really completely ignored it since that day.. REALLY! Jthorne is a fOW. Next whine.
JaneyAmazed Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hang in there. If you are patient, you will find great sex again. I'd just like to say it's easy to make someone become more of a sex god than they really are. I've realized in the last few months that my husband is much better lover than my xOM. It's just the excitement and danger of an affair can made sex more intense. I never knew when or if I'd see him again so it added a level of excitement. That's why affairs are so toxic and people get so hurt!
Silly_Girl Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 REALLY! Jthorne is a fOW. Next whine. Her issue was not to complain that JT posts here, but to point out that as most posters have had very strong feelings for their MM, it's then ridiculous (in vweb's view) to post the way JT has... Which is to be critical and suggest there should be no nostalgic feelings because the bad aspects of what happened should cancel out the good. It doesn't work like that though, the heart, in my experience, and nor should it. I think it's a healthy part of moving on to be able to recognise good and bad parts and miss them/be glad to be rid of them as appropriate. If we simply colour an entire R with 'X happened so it was all bad' and that's the extent of our introspection, we'll not learn what makes us tick and we'll not learn from our mistakes. Few Rs are all bad or there wouldn't have been a R. Lament the loss of hot sex, by all means ladies, just don't jump in to bed with someone when you know already there's a good chance you'll regret it and end up feeling worse
Silly_Girl Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hang in there. If you are patient, you will find great sex again. I'd just like to say it's easy to make someone become more of a sex god than they really are. I've realized in the last few months that my husband is much better lover than my xOM. It's just the excitement and danger of an affair can made sex more intense. I never knew when or if I'd see him again so it added a level of excitement. That's why affairs are so toxic and people get so hurt! Another thing to remember is YOU are half the reason (or more) the sex was so great!! So if you've blown a few cobwebs away or learnt a few new tricks, or simply boosted your confidence, there's a good chance the sex in future - with anyone - is going to be a whole lot better... Hurrah!!
thissecretgirl Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Hang in there. If you are patient, you will find great sex again. This is so true. I loved the connection I shared with my xOM and sexually we had very similar needs and desires. I wont go into detail, but put it this way we arent mainstream lol. I honestly thought it would be highly unlikely to find anyone similar. As it turned out I did; I found an even better match! Its fabulous
Author Rooke Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 I think the important thing for me to remember that to him, it was just sex and if he ever does get in touch it will be for one reason and one reason only: the sex. So if I give in then I'm only going to un do all the hard work I've put in to simply surviving the pain and not dying from a broken heart. Right?
Author Rooke Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 This is so true. I loved the connection I shared with my xOM and sexually we had very similar needs and desires. I wont go into detail, but put it this way we arent mainstream lol. I honestly thought it would be highly unlikely to find anyone similar. As it turned out I did; I found an even better match! Its fabulous Ha ha, I know exactly what you mean! Neither we were...and it's like the Madonna/Whore complex isn't it ? I'm not calling you a whore, just to be clear!
JaneyAmazed Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Another thing to remember is YOU are half the reason (or more) the sex was so great!! So if you've blown a few cobwebs away or learnt a few new tricks, or simply boosted your confidence, there's a good chance the sex in future - with anyone - is going to be a whole lot better... Hurrah!! This is true! Part of the reason I had an affair was that I was hardly ever getting sex at home. I've always been a very sexual person and my husband has joked over the years that I might have some testosterone in me. He started working a lot and was too tired to have sex. I think we had sex once a month, and I was starving. I let that go on for years. I wasn't thinking "oh, I'll go out and find another man." It's just the other man came along when I was at my breaking point. I was miserable and didn't know what to do.I didn't think it was fair to ask my husband for more of his time. I've since learned better. Now that he knows my needs, he gives me all the love, affection, and sex that he didn't before. I know that he loved me, but I wasn't feeling it. He wasn't making our marriage priority and it hurt. It hurt too bad to face that reality so I escaped to "my happy place" with xOM. I just wish I had been smarter and realized that happy place was a path to a hell I'd never wish my worse enemy to go though. I wish I had demanded my husband and I get help and/or counseling BEFORE I got involved with xOM. I've had to learn a lot about myself these past few months. I've become more of a partner to my husband. It's easy when you're a SAHM to feel like a less valuable part of the relationship. I didn't value myself as I should. My counselor has helped me regain my self-esteem and self-respect. It made it easier for me to respect my husband again. Sex is really good now because there are no secrets and I give myself completely to my husband - mind, body and soul. I know that he wants me. He's not just "doing me a favor" because I'm always horny. I feel so bad that I gave up on him last year. That still hurts me. It hurts me to know how bad I got and how lost I was.
jthorne Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 Her issue was not to complain that JT posts here, but to point out that as most posters have had very strong feelings for their MM, it's then ridiculous (in vweb's view) to post the way JT has... Which is to be critical and suggest there should be no nostalgic feelings because the bad aspects of what happened should cancel out the good. It doesn't work like that though, the heart, in my experience, and nor should it. I think it's a healthy part of moving on to be able to recognise good and bad parts and miss them/be glad to be rid of them as appropriate. If we simply colour an entire R with 'X happened so it was all bad' and that's the extent of our introspection, we'll not learn what makes us tick and we'll not learn from our mistakes. Few Rs are all bad or there wouldn't have been a R. Lament the loss of hot sex, by all means ladies, just don't jump in to bed with someone when you know already there's a good chance you'll regret it and end up feeling worse I have no idea what this has to do with a troll post, but it doesn't matter. I stand by my earlier thought. If someone humiliated me, especially the way that this guy did, sorry, but that would absolutely obliterate any sexual attraction I once had toward him. I dunno, I guess I'm just not accepting of being demeaned and humiliated as some of you are.
Silly_Girl Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 I have no idea what this has to do with a troll post, but it doesn't matter. I stand by my earlier thought. If someone humiliated me, especially the way that this guy did, sorry, but that would absolutely obliterate any sexual attraction I once had toward him. I dunno, I guess I'm just not accepting of being demeaned and humiliated as some of you are. Troll? Not a clue. As for being demeaned and humiliated, miaow!!! These girls aren't saying they want their MM back or are attracted to their MM still, they're saying that they miss the good sex they WERE having and now AREN'T having. Nothing 'demeaning' about a healthy appetite for good sex - in my opinion.
Author Rooke Posted May 18, 2011 Author Posted May 18, 2011 I'm also confused as to where this misapprehension came from. At no point have I stated I want to have sex with him or want him back. I said I missed the sex we had, past tense. That is a memory, when he was a different person to the person he is now. What is more, feelings aren't a light switch that you can flick on and off at will.
jthorne Posted May 18, 2011 Posted May 18, 2011 (edited) Troll? Not a clue. As for being demeaned and humiliated, miaow!!! These girls aren't saying they want their MM back or are attracted to their MM still, they're saying that they miss the good sex they WERE having and now AREN'T having. Nothing 'demeaning' about a healthy appetite for good sex - in my opinion.You sure about that? I think the important thing for me to remember that to him, it was just sex and if he ever does get in touch it will be for one reason and one reason only: the sex. So if I give in then I'm only going to un do all the hard work I've put in to simply surviving the pain and not dying from a broken heart. Right?It's irrelevant, we obviously have different boundaries. I believe my original question had to do with exactly what it was the OP missed; was it sex with MM the person or her own feeling of intimacy. I assume you know the difference. Edited May 18, 2011 by jthorne
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