darkangel001 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I was wondering if someone could give me some insight into my situation. I am 21- been with my boyfriend since I was 19- he is now 23. We are both at medical school, he is my first boyfriend and I am his first serious relationship. We are both from different culture- he is white and I am from a south indian background, I am religious, he is not. We had many ups and downs together one of which involved me telling my parents about him on his request last year- and they did not take it well. Recently our relationship is going through a really rough patch. We live together in a student house, with other students. We find it hard to find time when we are so busy with school. After a lot of thinking, earlier this year I asked my boyfriend were he thought our relationship was going- we at that point were nearing 2 years. He said he wasn't sure. Anyways, after a lot of unrest I said, that marriage and children were something important to me- and he knew that right from the onset- he said he was not a big believer in marriage (or anything conventional) for that matter. I issued an ultimatum- of making up his mind- that by the time we finish medical school in 3 years- I want an answer. Now, I am unsure whether I even want to give him that much time of my life. We had this issue crop up again recently and I am not sure what to do. I love my boyfriend very much but I don't know if I can stay with him and not get anywhere- he is very happy with me, and the way our relationship is. He often says how lucky he has to have me etc... I don't want to be one of those girls that have been with their bf 7 years and end up breaking it off realising the guys will never commit. I have been talking about taking a break but he is extremely reluctant. Next year we will be living separately. Maybe we should see then whether we can get our dating life back on track? I don't know what to do and this is really upsetting me. Any help and advice would be appreciated. Thanks
Kari Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Are you sure that he doesn't want marriage? Or does he not want marriage right now? For men timing is everything. Perhaps he doesn't want to marry until he is financially stable. 21 is young, I am in the same age range and marriage is the last thing that is on my mind. At this time in my life I am more focused on my futue career, and just enjoying my time with my boyfriend. I don't see myself wanting to marry until I'm at least 25-30, this does not mean that I am unwilling to commit. I have been with my boyfriend for years and I have never been unfaithful. The thing about ultimatums is that they cause trouble. If he were to accept your feelings on the matter he would be doing so out of pressure. When someone is pressured into something as serious as marriage, everything goes downhill. Do you feel comfortable with him marrying you only out of obligation? Wouldn't you rather it be his choice opposed to a threat you gave him?
vsmini Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 I'm sorry about your situation - i've been in it myself and it's difficult as it's hard to tell what he will want in the future. He's so young and at 23 it's very common for many guys to have doubts about marriage and kids. However I don't know this guy and it's true that his views could either change as he gets older or stay the same. The guy I was with was 24 and he struck me as the kind of guy that was almost on the edge but after being with him a bit longer I realized most likely he would be on the fence about marriage and kids for a long time - he also went away to med school. I was 4 years older and wasn't willing to wait around another 4 years to see if he would change is mind. My advice to you is to stay focused on your studies and take some time to figure out what you really want. You said marriage and kids is important to you so it needs to stay a priority - you should never have to give that up or put it second on your list because your guy might not want it. Think about all the tension and unrest it will cause in your relationship if you're constantly just waiting for him to change his mind on the marriage issue. Learning from my past relationship I would tell you to move on but I know that's a very difficult move.
Author darkangel001 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) I am ok not being married until I finish school. I know that I should be patient- I just don't know whether it is wise for me to stay with someone who doesn't even have what I want in his time frame. My boyfriend is very much a live for the day kind of person. I think that us living together this year was a mistake- but at the same time it showed that living together can work for us. He hates living with other people- he is an only child and his mom is divorced- and she has an awful view of marriage. I know he is very career focused- and so he ought to be at 23. I don't know whether I am just pressuring this too much? Should I not want to know where I stand after 2 years? or should I wait until we live apart for a year and then bring it up again? Thank you for all your replies Edited May 17, 2011 by darkangel001
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