So my wife and I decided to end our 11-year marriage two days ago...

[Restwich]

My side of the story:

She doesn't support me. Everything "we" do is based on her own selfish needs. Whatever I want, she thinks is childish or useless. When I tell her that what she's doing makes me unhappy, she says I should suck it up. For example: I want to buy a house. Her response is that *I* need to save up the money for the down payment. However, she takes $3k trips on nearly a yearly basis to visit her relatives. We've gone on one vacation (not including her parents) in 11 years. In the past few months, I've had thoughts of suicide because I feel like my life has dead-ended, and that it is impossible for me to achieve any goals in my life. If I don't take my ulcer medication, I get shooting pain in my stomach. My job is going well (I just signed a new contract with a big raise) but the managers are idiots.

 

Her side of the story:

He's an alcoholic. He's been increasing his drinking over the past year and has severe episodes of drunken outbursts at increasing rates, usually once a month but sometimes more often. He has been treated for depression and alcoholism, but the treatment never sticks longer than a few months to a year, and he just starts again. Last year, he racked up $10k in gambling debts that he's still paying for. He also goes to establishments of ill-repute. The last time, I was incredibly hurt and wanted to end it immediately, but I gave him one last chance. However, the drinking has increased and there was another "episode" on May 1st and May 15th, my father's birthday.

 

Today:

I've been looking at ads all day on Craigslist, trying to find a cheap room where I can go. However, what's unusual is that suddenly I'm full of hope. A lot of the things I want to do (buying a house, adopting children, traveling the world) suddenly seem possible. I don't remember the last time I was this happy.

 

My question:

Am I wrong to be so happy to finally be free of her? While I was being treated for depression (after I married her) I realized that most of my problems were being caused by the relationship with my mother. My thinking is that I might have married my mother which is the source of all my misery. I feel incredibly bad for being incredibly happy about divorcing her (compounded by the fact that my parents also divorced) but in my heart, I feel this is the right thing to do.

[UntoldStory]

IMO, take happiness where you can find it. If realizing that you were in a marriage that was making your life worse instead of better and then ending that marriage makes you happy, take it.

 

You will probably feel sad at some point. A lot of points. But we have to take that, too.... and it's all healthy. For me, finally allowing myself to FEEL all of the bad stuff now that we're divorcing (rather than trying to pretend for years and years that it wasn't really a problem that I felt that way) is a huge gift, and I've found that once I let myself feel it, the happiness comes back afterwards. Sort of like the sun breaking through the clouds after a storm.

 

I dunno. It's early. Only 1/4 of a cup of coffee so far. HTH.

[oldguy]

It is fairly common for people to experience a feeling of relief as well as a whole battery of other feelings during a break up or divorce.

 

What I appreciated was seeing both sides of the story. Thats rare.

 

Sorry for what you are going through but it sounds like this marriage has been over for awhile.

[Restwich]

IMO, take happiness where you can find it. If realizing that you were in a marriage that was making your life worse instead of better and then ending that marriage makes you happy, take it.

 

You will probably feel sad at some point. A lot of points. But we have to take that, too.... and it's all healthy. For me, finally allowing myself to FEEL all of the bad stuff now that we're divorcing (rather than trying to pretend for years and years that it wasn't really a problem that I felt that way) is a huge gift, and I've found that once I let myself feel it, the happiness comes back afterwards. Sort of like the sun breaking through the clouds after a storm.

 

I dunno. It's early. Only 1/4 of a cup of coffee so far. HTH.

 

Thanks.

 

It is fairly common for people to experience a feeling of relief as well as a whole battery of other feelings during a break up or divorce.

 

What I appreciated was seeing both sides of the story. Thats rare.

 

Sorry for what you are going through but it sounds like this marriage has been over for awhile.

 

Yes. I think I should have sought an annulment the moment my depression was diagnosed. I know that no matter who I chose to marry while I was depressed would be the wrong choice, but I didn't realize how much she would suffer for it.