maysj18 Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) So, roughly a month or so ago I met this guy at a party (we'll call him Bob). I wasn't instantly attracted to him or anything even though he was super cute. We have a lot of mutual friends, so a couple of them decided we should all go back to Bob's place after the club closed. So, again, I had no immediate attraction to this guy; however, one of the girls I was with (she was a friend of a friend of a friend, so nobody there except for one person really knew her) got so plastered at his place she lost her mind. She stormed out of the house and hid under a car and Bob ran out there to find her and he ended up consoling her and rubbing her head until she fell asleep for nearly two hours. He was so nice, especially considering he had never met her before and that's when my attraction began to grow. Well, I end up back over there the next day to pick up my friends phone because she had left it there. We end up talking for a few minutes and decide to exchange numbers, just to be friendly. We talk here and there and one night my friend and her boyfriend invite me out to the movies, and I decide to invite Bob. This is where things really started picking up. I couldn't have made a better choice in dates, because I had an absolute blast! We talked in the car for about 4 hours after the movie, it was wonderful. We didn't kiss, even though I wanted to, because I didn't want to complicate things. The reason a kiss may complicate things is BECAUSE...he just graduated college and is going back home in a different country forever! AWESOME! Also, come to find out, our entire group of friends is the same, and has been the same for the last two years. I even stayed the night in his suitmates room one night and yet we never met until now. What the ****? We still hung out allll the time and it was always the same- didn't matter where we were, what we had going on that day, we would talk for hours and hours on end. The best part of the whole thing is he is just as crazy about me as I am about him. He's currently on vacation with his family here in the states, but he's going to make a trip up in a couple days so we could spend a couple more days together. He keeps hinting around that he has his apartment until August, so he technically doesn't have to leave..but I don't know what to say to that! It seems like such a big step, but you don't find this kind of connection every day. What do you guys think? Edited May 17, 2011 by maysj18
alethean Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 Aww. It sounds like you really like this guy. As for the latent attraction, I can definitely relate. I personally have rarely been instantly attracted to a guy; it's always developed over time for me. Should he stay around? I mean, it's not like it's only you there. There are other friends there, right? I don't think you should feel too much pressure if he decides to stay. Or was the question whether or not you should convince him to stay? I think if he's dropping hints, he probably already wants to, and it shouldn't be that hard if you indicate that you'd like him to stay. Anyway, good luck. Life is odd like that.
thatone Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) this is hard to figure out why? you've got two months to spend with him here, and then if that goes well you can spend another few months with him overseas in his home country. by then you should know whether there's a future beyond that or not. even if it doesn't work out, you got to travel the world with your last boyfriend. tell him what you told us. this is another one of those "why are you here talking to us instead of going to see him right now" threads. Edited May 17, 2011 by thatone
sagetalk Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 What do you guys think? Is there any chance he stays where you are? Do you want to have a relationship with a guy in another country? I don't want to bring you down, but be careful. Falling for someone and then they leave forever hurts really bad. I would only advise to proceed with caution. I know that doesn't help much, but this is a tough call either way.
Author maysj18 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 I've been such a cautious dater. My only relationship failed because it was long distance and the idea of moving JUST to be together seemed to be kind of naive and stupid. So for the last year of our relationship, we had so many ups and downs because we were so close but our only optiion of being together wasn't possible and we didnt know how to end it. I don't want to throw something else away because I'm too critical of relationships and expect them to go only one way. Also, with this new guy, it wouldnt be such a big deal because he has lots of friends here and he knows my town because he lived here. You know? We could keep it casual for awhile and we wouldn't be each other's lives. I have a good friendship with him too, unlike my ex. My ex and i got along well and we loved each other, but I couldn't just talk and talk with him..he was a bit boring, lol.
welikeincrowds Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 YES, I JUST LOVE IT. I've just had a slightly different experience, that is similar to your situation in that I had very little time between realizing we had a connection and her leaving the state. My advice to you is to emotionally dive right in and hold nothing back. Stifle no emotion. (For instance, if you end up in bed, caress the **** out of that mother****er.) Take it as far as it will go, until you are confronted with the end -- at which point, you may peacefully let it be. This is what I did, and as a result, despite the great potential for aggravation, I have instead walked away with wonderful memories and zero regrets. This story of yours is a perfect example of "life" -- so live it!
thatone Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) Is there any chance he stays where you are? Do you want to have a relationship with a guy in another country? I don't want to bring you down, but be careful. Falling for someone and then they leave forever hurts really bad. I would only advise to proceed with caution. I know that doesn't help much, but this is a tough call either way. and that's different from spending the same effort on the person across town how? not different at all. the other person is always gone when a relationship ends. I've been such a cautious dater. My only relationship failed because it was long distance and the idea of moving JUST to be together seemed to be kind of naive and stupid. So for the last year of our relationship, we had so many ups and downs because we were so close but our only optiion of being together wasn't possible and we didnt know how to end it. I don't want to throw something else away because I'm too critical of relationships and expect them to go only one way. Also, with this new guy, it wouldnt be such a big deal because he has lots of friends here and he knows my town because he lived here. You know? We could keep it casual for awhile and we wouldn't be each other's lives. I have a good friendship with him too, unlike my ex. My ex and i got along well and we loved each other, but I couldn't just talk and talk with him..he was a bit boring, lol. there's not a whole lot of time for caution and casual here, you've gotta make up your mind in two months and you've gotta let him know pretty soon that he needs to stay for two months to let you decide. you can't play hard to get, he told you he was ready to go back home but still had the apartment to get a response. if he doesn't get the response he's looking for, he'll be gone. a first date with the guy around the corner is casual. this isn't. this is pretty much yes or no, that's why he told you about having the apartment until august. you have to decide what you wanna get from all of this. i'm not female, but if i were in your shoes, i would think it's a good opportunity to spend time with someone you like traveling to other parts of the world, assuming you still get along after the two months. if the relationship doesn't work out after your two months here and/or another couple of months over there, that's fine, you still got a lot of good experiences, so it's hardly wasted time. if you decide that's what you want you gotta go get it and damn the consequences. play 'cautious' and you might as well just tell him no and spare both of you some grief. but tell him all of that up front if that's what you decide to do. just be blatantly honest, tell him "look, stay for two more months, we'll spend all that time together, if we're still happy then i'll go home with you for two months, after that we'll see where we are". if he says yes, have a blast. if he says no, then you didn't waste time on another doomed to fail long distance relationship. Edited May 17, 2011 by thatone
sagetalk Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 1. I've been such a cautious dater. 2. My only relationship failed because it was long distance and the idea of moving JUST to be together seemed to be kind of naive and stupid. 3. but I couldn't just talk and talk with him..he was a bit boring, lol. 1. Smart girl 2. Been there, it's not fun. 3. Talking is nice, but this one is a long shot. Take it for what it is and enjoy it.
Author maysj18 Posted May 17, 2011 Author Posted May 17, 2011 there's not a whole lot of time for caution and casual here, you've gotta make up your mind in two months and you've gotta let him know pretty soon that he needs to stay for two months to let you decide. you can't play hard to get, he told you he was ready to go back home but still had the apartment to get a response. if he doesn't get the response he's looking for, he'll be gone. a first date with the guy around the corner is casual. this isn't. this is pretty much yes or no, that's why he told you about having the apartment until august. you have to decide what you wanna get from all of this. i'm not female, but if i were in your shoes, i would think it's a good opportunity to spend time with someone you like traveling to other parts of the world, assuming you still get along after the two months. if the relationship doesn't work out after your two months here and/or another couple of months over there, that's fine, you still got a lot of good experiences, so it's hardly wasted time. if you decide that's what you want you gotta go get it and damn the consequences. play 'cautious' and you might as well just tell him no and spare both of you some grief. but tell him all of that up front if that's what you decide to do. just be blatantly honest, tell him "look, stay for two more months, we'll spend all that time together, if we're still happy then i'll go home with you for two months, after that we'll see where we are". if he says yes, have a blast. if he says no, then you didn't waste time on another doomed to fail long distance relationship. What I meant by casual is not the same as what you're thinking. I just meant that I wouldn't be his "life" nor would he be mine, we'd be able to have breathing room and our own space. I compared it to my situation with my ex to try to define what I meant. If my ex decided to move here, he would have absolutely nothing except for me and some random job. He knows nobody in my area, has visted a handful of times, blah blah. THAT scares me. Bob staying and living here for the summer is still a big leap, but there won't be as much pressure on the relationship, because he knows so many people and has so many friends that live in the area. I know that with too much pressure on the relationship too soon comes ultimate failure, and I don't want that to happen. I want to take this leap, I really do, BUT my head is in the clouds right now which is why I'm trying to ask for objective advice. lol.
thatone Posted May 17, 2011 Posted May 17, 2011 (edited) ok, i understand what you were saying, but there's another way to look at it. as welikeincrowds said, there is no pressure. in such relationships both sides expect it to end at a set date and time, so every day that it doesn't end is a good day. if it ends after the two months or four months or whatever it is, it won't feel so bad, because both people knew going in that it would likely end. if it doesn't end and you wind up married to him living on a beach in fiji or something, then it was a pleasant surprise, and every day becomes a pleasant surprise. and yes that does happen every now and then. one of my good female friends from high school has been living in scotland with a guy she met in college for about 4 years now. they're both as happy as can be. but without the pressure of obligation and expectation, things progress to that point, or not, more naturally. these are the kind of relationships people shouldn't miss out on, in my opinion. they help you grow up, and make for far more good memories than bad. Edited May 17, 2011 by thatone
Recommended Posts